Forum menu
The amount of time spent faffing on a ride rises by the square of the number of people attending said ride.
Having done my first club ride in two years at the weekend, I almost wished to be injured or locked down again.
‘Navigators’ who use the terms “It looks like that way” or “I’m sure it’s this way” must be unconditionally ignored.
Never ever do ‘just one more run/lap/route’. Do ‘another’ with conviction but label it as such…
The last 10% of a bottle of washing up liquid lasts just as long as the preceding 90%.
This is why I transfer a small amount from a large bottle to a smaller bottle. I'm not sure why anymore because no one else lives here.
There's always one complete arsehole in any given group of long term friends.
If you can’t immediately identify that person, it's you.
As soon as you’ve replaced a lost item, it will reveal itself.
Or your partner will find it in the place you first looked.
If you want a bus to arrive, light a cigarette.
I haven't done either for many years but it is a universal truth. Also, a door or lock that is usually able to be opened with one hand, the hand holding the key, will only operate thus if both hands are available. Carrying a huge bag of shopping? Fuhgeddaboudit.
Money is the root of all evil.
But also;
When conducting silver service as a waiter (or some other precarious customer-interaction task), the patron in question will find it the most appropriate time to suddenly move/gesticulate/start a convo etc so you spill gravy on their new clothes.
It is impossible to dislike jet washing.
Although, if you’ve put it on the roof of a car one would hope that it IS going somewhere. The only conceivable scenario in which it could in fact not go anywhere is if it’s so poorly secured it falls off immediately in your drive and you don’t notice, thus it would remain at home.
But it has gone somewhere, it's gone from the roof to the floor.
The "only conceivable scenario in which it could in fact not go anywhere" is if you then went back in the house.
There’s always one complete arsehole in any given group of long term friends.
If you can’t immediately identify that person, it’s you.
Isn't that Peter Kay's "Uncle ****" sketch?
But it has gone somewhere, it’s gone from the roof to the floor.
The “only conceivable scenario in which it could in fact not go anywhere” is if you then went back in the house.
I think you might be overthinking this, guys
If you’re on a ride and someone asks “When did you last have a puncture?” you should not answer unless you’ve just fixed one. Otherwise, there will shortly be a hissing sound, followed by swearing.
(See also answering “No” to “Are you carrying any first aid kit?”)
While out with dogs or on a ride, and especially on a day where rain is forecast, Mrs 100th will, at the furthest point from home/shelter announce, "well the rain hasn't come as forecast". This is shortly followed by the ominous sound of rolling thunder.
If you want a bus to arrive, light a cigarette.
I used to (when I smoked) refer to this as my voodoo bus-summoning technique
Also: if you want your team to score then go to the toilet during the match, then simply await the loud cheers for the goal you just missed (which will inevitably be an instant contender for goal of the season)
When overtaking a lorry on an empty motorway, a BMW, Audi, or Range Rover will appear out of nowhere to see how close they can get to your rear bumper.
A temporary road side fix will last longer than a full workshop rebuild but will also fail more spectacularly with more inconvenience directly proportionate to the time it lasted.
Evidence : This zip tie 'fixed' my car for 7 years by holding an inlet pipe away from the throttle cable and thus preventing the throttle sticking open.
It snapped as I was queueing to load the car onto the channel tunnel train leaving the throttle stuck half open in an automatic car so I could only control the speed by turning the ignition on and off meaning I left the queue in the background at about 30mph and shot across the rest of the loading area quite dramatically. When I stopped there were some interested security gaurds wondering what I was trying to attack. Thankfully back on 2016 so slightly less trigger happy than they might be now.
9V battery terminals must be licked
The Gary Ewing Infinite Mechanicals Scenario states that as the number of regular riders in a group increases, the likelihood of a ride ending / bike breaking incident increases exponentially.
riding alone or in a pair will be fine
a group of up to half dozen will have puncture every few riudes
Go out in a group of 25 and someon will end up pushing a bike home due to a broken seatpost / exploded rim etc...
The last 10% of a bottle of washing up liquid lasts just as long as the preceding 90%.
This is why I transfer a small amount from a large bottle to a smaller bottle. I’m not sure why anymore because no one else lives here.
There's a novel's worth of story hidden in those two short sentences.
If you’re on a ride and someone asks “When did you last have a puncture?” you should not answer unless you’ve just fixed one. Otherwise, there will shortly be a hissing sound, followed by swearing.
Actors never say "good luck", cyclists should never say the 'P' word on a ride, in the same way Nurses NEVER say "quiet" on a shift, ever and it will usually result in the screaming of an alarm from a bed somewhere, usually down the other end of the ward.
On a ride, at any intersection of paths where there is a choice of direction, the direction to be taken will be the one that goes up.
Mtb: it's always uphill into the wind, plus the occasional very steep downhill with the wind behind you.
Roadbike: the headwind on the way out will always tend to swing 180 for the ride home.
Corollary: when on a ride you start to feel you are actually gaining fitness and feeling good, the road will eventually turn and the tail wind become a blasting side wind.
If told that brake rotors get hot in use...
...see wet paint, but I've now got blisters on 2 fingers
On a ride, at any intersection of paths where there is a choice of direction, the direction to be taken will be the one that goes up.
Unless there's an element of doubt, in which case you will take the downhill path and discover your mistake 100m further on.
People who talk the most generally have the least to say.
Yep, there was one on here like that, met him on a ride that Ton organised. An angry vegan you could hear before he walked in the room.
Also. If an engineer/mechanic picks up a hammer, he has to spin it round in the hand he's holding it with.
An engineer will point out that anyone holding a hammer is probably a technician and not an engineer.
It's never your successful friends who post "motivational" memes on social media...
Also: if you want your team to score then go to the toilet during the match, then simply await the loud cheers for the goal you just missed (which will inevitably be an instant contender for goal of the season)
Corollary: If you want your favourite song played at a gig.
If an engineer/mechanic picks up a hammer, he has to spin it round in the hand he’s holding it with.
Testing it for weight and balance. Obviously. (-:
If someone suddenly pulls out in front of you in the car, they will immediately take the first turning.
My dad pointed this out to me many moons ago, and every time it happens i take note that the indicator comes on.
Tuckers law (edited for those with delicate sensibilities/the swear filter):
If some idiot can mess something up, that idiot will pick the worst possible time to flippin mess it up because that idiot's an idiot.
Two lines of text perfectly describes my current project team.
You ain’t seen nothin ‘till you’re down on the muffin.
It takes two to tango.
Triumph has the bra for the way you are.
You can with a Nissan.
The crappier the tradesman, the quicker they arrive.
Just when you’re trying to quit smoking, that’s when everyone else decides to take it up.
Money is the root of all evil.
The love of money is the root of many evils, is the correct phrase.
If you wish to burn something in a meaningful way you must always use a zippo lighter and said lighter must always be thrown in towards the area to be burned.
The night of a full moon will double the number of calls to the emergency services.
Corollary: If you want your favourite song played at a gig.
Corollary corollary: if you want your food to turn up at a restaurant.
"It could be worse"... I'm 59 now and can vouch for that one
If you want your parcel to turn up, go for a shit.
I try never to mention the good weather when out on the bike as inevitably it will immediately piss it down if I do.
Also if my bike is running well despite not been cleaned or recently maintained when coming up to a big planned ride, then I just leave it as it is. From previous experience, if I start to clean it then I'll tinker with it and end up doing something that makes the bike ride worse like: contaminate disc pads, adjust suspension setup, adjust gears.....
Now don't do (as well as dissuade by kids or people I'm with from doing) the 'one last go' as from experience that's when accidents happen. My wrist has a lovely plate and 7 screws from 'one last go' when snowboarding some years ago.
I try to end every ride in a downhill, no matter how short of a downhill. As it always cheers me up despite of how awful the ride was.
The group ride faf is definitely a reason why I only ride with other people when I don't have a deadline of having to be somewhere after. Some people can spend more time procrastinating and faffing than actually riding.
Not caught a bus in a long time but when I did it always seemed to be me, who the 'openly eccentric' person (who just got on) sat next to.
openly eccentric’ person (who just got on) sat next to.
My mum used to reply “my husband doesn’t allow me to speak to other men”
It worked every time.