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Muddy, an incredibly brave post. My heart goes out to you, how you must have felt to take that step.
Like I said, I spent too long thinking of it as a weakness and I needed to get help.
I feel so lucky to have so many people reach out, it really means a lot and I will hopefully meet so
Many of you over the coming months.
I've no excuse now, I can't let the anxiety hold me back and it's time (easier to say, now I hope I can do) to take my life and wellbeing back.
Twisted, I'll definitely be coming to see you at the bmx park. I was down there a few weeks ago taking my dog for a walk.
Sunday I'm at at the opticians. The medication caused my pupils to enlarge and caused a complication with my astigmatism. This probably explains my post about glasses a few weeks ago.
Just drop me an email when you want to ride, address in profile.
🙂
Cool, come down after 10, coaching session between 9-10 and I'll sort you a bike pads and helmet and a cup of tea, ask for Steve if I'm not in the cabin.
Muddydwarf much respect for posting, if you find yourself down Stockport way and fancy a blast on a 20" single speed fully rigid bone shaker let us know!
Mosey, lots of people in the same boat, mostly men, bottling things up, not coping, sometimes being introverted, sometimes being aggressive, its a man thing, sod that, sometimes you just need to talk and talk some more, without someone offering advice, but just listening.
Perhaps when you feel more well youll sit there and listen to someone cry, get upset and realise you hadnt known anything about that persona few hours ago and now theyre sharing their world with a stranger, and you realise you can make a difference to their life and give them hope for the future, just by listening .
Been in both places and the second one is the best feeling ever, and something you should aim for.
don't worry mate. things always work out okay.
To recap, I'm fine now 🙂
Everyone is different and everyone has different troubles. I can't personally imagine how strong someone must be to care for someone with an on going physical or MH condition and I take my hat off to those of you who do that day in, day out. Puts my self absorption into perspective.
Remember though, to be there for your wife you need to be there for yourself first.
Mosey
Hands up another carer here.
My week has so far consisted of
Monday, come home to Poo & Wee
Tuesday, take wife to hospital appointment that had been cancelled without our knowledge (days holiday wasted)
Wednesday, wife taken into hospital by ambulance late afternoon (non responsive & pulse @ 30bpm , dash back from work @ hospital till 10:30pm till I can take wife home nothing really found.
Thursday work very full on, get home to find wife in a distressed state and almost on the floor.
Friday, get home to find her like someone with dementia.
She has had secondary progressive MS since she was 21.
I live my life in a fog of tiredness & dark thoughts, like you I build more bikes than I ride.
I find myself crying at the slightest sad thing as staying strong for her takes its toll.
I feel my life has no future & only keep going as its not my wife's fault she has MS.
Sorry I now realise that post was all about me.
As I have got the wife to bed it must be time to go out to the workshop & build another bike.
Muddydwarf you are so right about needing to be there for yourself but its so very hard if like me you see everyone else's troubles/point of view without seeing what an idiot you are being.
Very frightening how close you came to finishing yourself off, I have once sat where I am now with a tub of Paracetamol & a bottle of Brandy for over an hour on the brink of downing the lot but I must have had a slight glimmer of hope left as I thought "don't be such a ****"
Mr Overshoot, it sounds like you're an amazing human being being incredibly strong for the person you love. MS is a horrible illness, I've seen what it can do. A close friend of mine has suffered since her early 20's.
Your life does have a future, I wish I could say more to help you.
This post was for me to reach out, if others do too then that's amazing.
I'm so, so thankful for all the replies and I will be meeting up with people off here thanks to this.
I've just injected my wife's Enberol and broke down talking to her about this thread. She's so thankful that people reached out to me.
That's all well and good, but what about buying bearnecessities a pie?
😉
Captain, at some point in the coming weeks I'll be buying bearnecesseties, and whoever else wishes to join us, a pie.
I have once sat where I am now with a tub of Paracetamol & a bottle of Brandy for over an hour on the brink of downing the lot
I can understand someone wanting to end it all. But I can't understand anyone wanting to do it in a slow painful and horrific way.
Please don't overdose on Paracetamol.
I'm sat here in my slightly shabby house, where the cats have wrecked the carpets, the bathroom is falling apart & I need several grand I don't have to sort all the problems out.
And I realise I dont actually have any problems!
I'm in awe of you who who deal with life limiting conditions every single day.
As long as binners doesn't read that post, you'll be fine! 🙂
As before, bravo to you for posting, and that bravo extends to everyone else here, be they supporting or suffering, or both.
Friend of mine raises a lot of money for this lot - https://www.thecalmzone.net/
They're good folks.
Muddy, I might not be ready for a stadium but it'd be great to meet up and talk about anything and everything.
That goes for anyone and everyone. Maybe a pie pootle would help us all.
Bloody great sometimes this interweb & stw.
I wish you well & get out there man,outside is free etc.
Dude, if you're going to organise a ride out that involves no riding whatsoever but has pies and beer, half the forum will be all over that like a tramp on chips.
^^that!
I've been going through some pretty rough times lately too.
If the meds you are being prescribed don't suit you then you need something else. I'm afraid it's a bit of a lottery as everyone reacts differently. Remember that you don't have to be taking pills forever, just for now.
Try to be both long sighted and short sighted, pick the one that suits you best at that point in time and shut the door on the other. One day at a time is probably best right now, make a plan for each day to do just a little bit more tomorrow than the day before. Don't aim too high, you will be bound to fail taking big steps right now. Remember the end goal, when the time is right, to be fit, to take care of your partner, have fun and get the best that you can out of life.
Don't be hard on yourself, you can get through this, best wishes. Neil.
Thanks Neil, that's really helpful advice and makes complete sense.
I know big steps will set me up for a fall. I'm sorry to hear you've been going through a hard time too.
I started off in Sertraline and it knocked me for six. The eyes being the worst. I have to wear glasses full time now because of the reaction (and underlying issues) and the thought of that is causing another barrier to me taking the Citalopram.
Mosey I'm not amazing, just doing the best I can in a poor situation just like you are. It breaks your heart seeing the person you love being destroyed by illness, we've been together for 34 years & I hate myself for sometimes wishing <deleated>
ernie I now know what a utter unt of a death it would be but at the time it was all I could think of 🙁
MrO, you are ****ing amazing, no two ways about it. I don't know anything more about your situation than you have posted here obviously, is there any additional help you can get to lighten the load a little bit?
Mosey, I'm taking three different meds myself right now due to long term MH issues. You need to find the right one for you. Do you have a good relationship with your GP? If not then find one who will work with you better.
Hiya.
If anyone would like to get out with a genuinely nice bunch of people, have a look at the [url= http://www.karabiner.org/ ]Karabiner Mountaineering Club.[/url]
Gentle walks to proper tough stuff, a wonderfully peaceful hut at Llanberis, just an hour and half down the road.
And please get all the help you can.
It'll help everyone.
Treat it as a proper job.
Establish a relationship with your local Social Services/care providers.
Your GP will help, if not, drop me a line.
Have you got a really annoying, pain in the arse friend who never stops arguing and likes a challenge?
Get them involved.
And the in laws too.
Muddydwarf, you've floored me there son.
You're someone I genuinely admire, a person I'm proud to know.
Mr Overshoot too.
🙂
We all live within, what, an hour's drive of each other?
Rusty Spanner - MemberHave you got a really annoying, pain in the arse friend who never stops arguing and likes a challenge?
Get them involved.
Pete your not annoying enough & your a proper carer.
Pete, its not something I like to admit to myself let alone others.
Meeting up with you that day for a brew and a spin out meant more than I can articulate.
To recap, I was in a somewhat bad way and Rusty Spanner took time out of his own life to offer mental and practical help to a bloke he didn't know from Adam.
An afternoon of tea and bikes can make one hell of a difference, believe me.
Many people (mostly women) find their rheumatoid arthritis goes away during pregnancy. So all may not be lost.
Apparently pregnancy suspends the auto-immune response.
Go for it.
Have any of you lot been on the Monday Night Pub Rides?
Seriously, if you can make it, they are so much fun.
I work on Mondays at the mo, but the usual suspects are proper gentlemen in real life.
They make everyone feel welcome.
I'm down in the dirty south myself.
This is worth a look, only needs 10 minutes a day.
Thanks Neil, I'll definitely give that a try.
In terms of the baby, Claire would have to be off medication for 6 months before she can get pregnant due to the high risk of birth defects.
Don't worry about slowing people down, most of us are happy to get a cheeky breather in while keeping that air of cool! It's all smoke and mirrors and never begrudged IME.
OP don't worry about the rides with the STW lot, you will not get dropped or anything.
I've only managed one MNPR due to working but I've done a few pootles and everyone off here are absolutely fantastic.
Ignore the petty arguments on here, everyone I've ever met off here are genuinely superb friendly guys and girls who will do anything to help anyone.
Anxiety and paranoia are my best mates unfortunately and I've have treatment for both. I don't like mixing much with people but I feel so comfortable with everyone off here. Last time I went out I froze at the top of a descent. One of the lads showed me a different route and everyone was waiting for me at the bottom.
I'm only in Bolton so if you want to have chat anytime give me a shout or I will see you in the pub with the STW guys.
Mosey, I wish you all the best. I get the way you feel , however from a completely different set of circumstances. I am feeling more relaxed now from not wishing to be the person I was a few years ago.
Doing something community based may help progress friendships even if you never imagined it.
In the past year I have taken up art and joined a local community choir, which initially seemed daft to me, but have massively helped. I have found, that seeking out people with a like minded outlook has been beneficial. I Don't want to sound cliched but remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I hope this helps and good luck.
Mosey best wishes and good luck. You have cleared the first hurdle (the biggest) and lots of kind offers here will help you fly over the rest.
Get on your bike and ride and ENJOY.
Mosey. You've got mail.
Been there, bought the tee shirt - you can have the benefit of my last 10-11 years (it's not all doom and gloom!)
The family thing may not entirely be out of the question. Admittedly a different situation, but about 3 years ago, the idea of a family was very much a 'no you can't', but a change of consultants, to ones with a more progressive view, change of medications and DBT course, we may not just be practicing baby making anymore.
Doctors generally don't like to promise more than they can guarantee to deliver (which is a good thing), but some are more proactive at finding ways around. We have had two that were really keen to help and support which gave us direction and momentum with others.
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Brave post, well done.
Asand when you feel up to it, I'm probably the closest MNPR 'regular' to you, if you need a lift or anything give me a shout, it might motivate me to get my arse out on a Monday. Got two bike carriers on the roof.
I won't be offended if you cancel half an hour before hand, I know what anxiety can be like.
Speak to MartynS about the Thursday night rides though, they got me in to mountain biking, when I started on them I spent more of the ride walking than riding (and that was the downhill bits)
hang on in there OP, can really empathize with the anxiety thing, though I don't suffer from it per se, I got to experience it for a short while, I given up my Job because of the stress of the commute was effecting my life, anyway a year later they were in a bit of jam and asked it I could help out for a few weeks, the money would have been useful so I agreed. The night before I due to start I was a wreck, shaking like a leaf, heart rate was really up, cold and hot sweats, never known anything like it before or since and I drive everywhere and anywhere without issue, I enjoy driving, needless to say I had to let them down.
STW never ceases to amaze me with threads like this.
A bunch of strangers with a common interest in cycling who normally wind each other up and bicker about wheel size, tyre choice, gear ratios, Audi drivers, politics and everything in between step up to help a stranger in need with kind words, advice from experience gained and offers to meet up to share the burden. This thread demonstrates everything good about this place and shows that people still care about people. Brings a lump to my throat.
Been feeling the pressure a bit lately myself with this and that, this thread has made me realise it is really nothing to be concerned about in the grand scheme of things. I am awaiting delivery of my new Orange Four and REALLY looking forward to getting back out on a bike.
Well done for posting your fears and feelings Mosey and everybody else. Takes balls to admit when your struggling. Look after each other. I'm nowhere near you Mosey bur if you are ever Scotland bound let me know and we can arrange a pootle in the hills on our Mountain Mint Oranges.
Nothing to add to what so many others have written, from their own experience, which I can't match; however, it's always worth just getting the bike out and going for a pootle on your own, if you have a spare couple of hours.
There's nobody else to worry about, you set your own pace, set your own challenges on the steep bits, and you can sit and gaze at any view, let your mind go blank without worrying about holding anyone else up.
I've been riding on my own mostly since 1988 when I bought my first mountain bike; there wasn't anyone else around with one! I'm perfectly happy with my own company, however, so it's never worried me riding alone.
I have done a few rides with others, one was a disaster, all the others were keen riders who would sit in a group until yours truly struggled up, said 'Right, everyone here? Let's go', and they'd be charging off with me still gasping for breath! Gave me a [i]very[/i] jaundiced view of group rides, did that!
I have also ridden with a small group of friends in various places, which were fun, but there's a lot to be said for grabbed solo rides where you just don't think about anything but the miles rolling under your tyres, birds singing, and great views of open countryside, with a pint or tea and cake as a small reward.
I haven't ridden for several years, but that's a personal, confidence issue after a hard fall that's damaged my knee, and my fear of something similar happening again and causing further damage, limiting my mobility for work has kept me off the bike.
I still get out and walk, and that has a similar, head-clearing virtue, so try to grab some me-time as well.
Good luck and best wishes to you and your good lady! 😀
That's a shame you can't ride but what you say is very true, a solo ride or walk is meditation in itself.
not read the whole thread but...pester doc for different SSRI, I hear different ones work differently (I've not noticed).
And...adoption? Pals looking to adopt are in talks re a healthy 18 month old. May be a long way from ideal from where you are I know.
I now it's only February ,but, thread of the year.
Bravo all.
Exercise is the best medication for the black dog imo.
That and pies. Best of luck. 🙂