just support her man she will love you all the more for it.

wholeheartedly support her, though I understand your dismay

sounds like expensive nonsense that will be hard to stick to. IMO

EDIT - is the supplier of the shakes slim or a bit hefty?

Is it really cheeky to ask her size at the moment and time left to the wedding?

she is wrong but she is right so get used to it and support her.
perhaps the investment of money makes it more real for her or she is just ****** nuts

So - you've found something that works for you and you want to force it on her.

Sure this marriage lark is up your street?

Women don't always want your solution. Just your support.

Not sure it's a good idea to slim down for your own wedding tbh. You'll have a skinny woman looking back at you for ever more reminding you how much fatter you are in later life.

Better to have fat wedding photos then slim down, then you'll just feel all the better about your newer self, no?

Women don't always want your solution. Just your support.

True, and a very important thing to remember. But it's not just women.

She is wrong. If those diets worked the companies that sell them would go bust pretty swiftly.

I see plenty of fat people on a daily basis. They usually have plenty of pseudo-scientific reasons why they have failed to lose weight / put weight on whilst on a "diet". The ones the genuinely do lose proper amounts of weight all say the same thing: ate less, drank less booze, did a bit more exercise. And kept it up over the long term.

Women don't always want your solution. Just your support.

^^^^
THIS

Sometimes you just need to listen, STFU and be there. No matter what.

EDIT: And they also, IMO, like to venture into their own well of despair once in a while. If this is where she goes, think twice before trying to haul her out. She might just need to fall a bit deeper before deciding it's time to get out.

True, and a very important thing to remember. But it's not just women.

I love it when you show us your feminine side Molly. x

I really don't know what it is about women and fad diets, we seem to love them and even I've done it in the past although I really can't be bothered these days as I've taken the 'find exercise I like and stick to it' route. It's probably more to do with the fact that she has someone who isn't you giving her support. Don't mean that to sound nasty as it wont be anything personal but my OH could write me up a diet and get 10lbs off me easily because he knows what he's on about, didn't stop me going to slimming world/weight watchers etc on and off for years. Is more about talking about it with someone willing to listen than about the 'faddy diet' I reckon. If she loses a bit of weight along the way then all the better.

Just a point of order - slimming world and weight watchers are not fad diets...

I have a morbidly obese mate who went on Lighter Life.

Sounds very similar to my wife and I. She gradually put on weight and decided to have slimfast shakes because she saw the adds and believed the hype. Had one for brekkie and dinner and by teatime she would eat anything in sight because she was starving and couldn't understand why she was still putting on weight. Tried to guide her to a more varied and healthier diet but she wouldn't listen. The more I tried to help her the more she dug her heels in so I left her to it. In the end she came round to my offer of help and four months later she has lost three stone.

Those wimmin, it's great when they finally come round to our way of thinking.

Amen brother 😀

No they aren't but they offer that support and common theme stuff that seems to be more help to people, women in particular, than just eating healthily on your own does

Friends wife did that couple of years ago lost the and as soon as stopped and went back to normal the weight crept back on again till 6 months later she was excatly the same size and weight, its simple weight off quick weight back on quick

Women don't always want your solution. Just your support.

My Mrs goes mad with me wanting to fix things when what she really wants is me to sit and just listen to her whine on.

At the stage now where I sit and pretend I'm listening but I'm really checking out STW or random fit birds on twitter!

Its frustrating, I spent 500 on a bike for the mrs as she wanted to get into riding to help lose weight and she actually only gets results from these fad diets. So as long as she still cooks meals once in a while I support her!

I agree with the support argument.

But im a man of science (and so is she!) and I have cold hard evidence of how its done properly (as if there wasnt enough evidence out there). Lifestyle change, learn to love the sacrifice and feel great about yourself.

It was the easiest hard thing I ever did.
She saw me lose 6" from my waist and chest in 9 months.

Alas, i'll revert to 'yes dear' mode and see if I can at least help her to get it work her way.

How much weight does she need to lose slimjim? Not asking to take the piss.

My Mrs goes mad with me wanting to fix things when what she really wants is me to sit and just listen to her whine on.

Men are from mars, women from venus. Sadly, we should all re-read this book. Or to save 7.99 - Women want to blab / whitter, men want to fix.
Happy woman = man listens. Happy man = woman understands fixing need.

Let her get on with it, then challenge once it's not working. Just let her get it out of the way.

Don't do an "I told you so!", but more a different approach once it seems incorrect for her.

Are you familiar with the idea of a "locus of control"? It refers to internal or external and is a way of discussing whether you or your environment are responsible for what happens to you. It reflects whether you feel capable of effecting change for yourself. The diet suggests she has a strong external locus. Finding ways for her to feel effective and capable of achieving under her own steam will shift this toward the internal. Then she will trust herself. Until she feels capable and that she deserves it, it won't happen.

thanks guys. points taken.

Darcy - we've never really talked about her weight, but I imagine she's aiming for at least 3 stone, maybe more.
I think she's hot now, but I like em fixalot stylee. She's dead pretty though and if she loses the weight she'll no doubt be a knock out.

a friend once told me that his (anybodys) partner can fail to hear what her partner says repeatedly and reject the advice completely and then come home one day and explain how somebody at a bus stop said exactly the same thing but it made perfect sense.....

Had the similar example with consultants - it's easier to listen when your paying for it....

Support dont question unless she is about to mortgage the house to play for it

I'd imagine the OP losing 5 stone through, effectively, will power alone has made his partner slightly concerned that she won't have the same fortitude and will thus fail.

She's looking for a magic potion that will help her achieve what she wants. All that can be done is let her get on with it until she either achieves her goal or moves on to something else.

I do wonder if the OP had not lost the weight whether she'd be trying at all?

I keep mine under the stairs, she's dead skinny.

weight loss for blokes and weight loss for girls isn't coming from the same place, and sometimes men need to recognize that, and exercise for some girls is wrapped in all sorts of body image issues that are complex and sometimes not massively rationale, I see loads of flabby blokes wobbling down the road pretending to run, but they "generally" don't care that they look like a sweaty wobbly mess, girls mostly do.

Maybe she wants to loose a few kgs before realizing that she can go outside and run with (less) wobbly bits on show, and the running and eating less bug kicks in.

help her and encourage her, get rid of the snacks/alcohol in the house, and keep reminding her that it's HER and DETERMINATION that will lose the weight in the end.

good post emsz 🙂 though... can i ask you to remember that when you're taking the piss out of fat guys in baggy clothes riding their bikes? 😳 🙁 some of us use riding as part of a weight loss plan and we're aware that we look shite to the female population 🙁

EDIT - i know you said "generally" and aren't saying all blokes are like that, i'm just trying to think of things from the average overweight STWer's point of view.

I see loads of flabby blokes wobbling down the road pretending to run

😥

🙁

Phil,

sorry, I'm as judgemental as the next person, I know 😳 . Lots of girls know that really their blokes would love them just as much, but there's allll sorts of stuff going on here; Fashion, bitchiness from other girls, exersize, being sweaty, our mums, food, low self esteem.

most blokes (from what I can tell) go: *grabs a bit of spare tyre* "blimey need to loose a bit, better run, cut out the beer and curry" most girls go *grab a bit of spare tyre* "God I'm ugly"

see?

Sounds like the cambridge diet. Friend of the wife has done it (twice). The first time she lost a load of weight, about 4 stone. But she put it back on.

She's recently done it again and has now moved over to the iDave diet, after seeing the results on Me and the the Mrs. Although she did complain that she'd put 1lb on in the first week of eating solids again!

Is she wanting to lose weight just for wedding photos or is it a longer-term thing? Sounds like one of those situations where you can offer all the best advice in the world - but it is only when/if that she chooses to commit to that particular route will it be of any benefit.

I am fond of offering advice in situations as I find support takes a lot more effort 😕
So I personally would state what you feel to be good advice and leave it at that. Make sure not to undermine her efforts or try push your own ideas on to her and I'm sure that in time she can make up her own mind about what is the best plan for her.

i do see emsz 😀 and no need to apologise, i just noticed a couple of posts from you about fat middle aged baggy clothes wearing weekend warriors and having a hearty LOL at them... wanted to remind the laydeez out there that some of us are sensitive to such jibes in the way a lady might be.

i've worked with eating disorders quite a bit both in and out of work, grown up with my own body issues that i dont mind admitting on here too. i think women, after years of feeling like they're the only people with pressure to look good (and for years this has been pretty much the case) often dont realise how the modern society puts just as much pressure on guys and how many men have issues just as deep as their female counter parts nowadays.

when it comes down to it if a man is marrying a woman cos he loves her, she could waddle down the aisle with make-up painted on by a 1year old and hair half shaved off... if she's got a glint in her eyes and is smiling he'll be overwhelmed with love and happiness 🙂

a friend once told me that his (anybodys) partner can fail to hear what her partner says repeatedly and reject the advice completely and then come home one day and explain how somebody at a bus stop said exactly the same thing but it made perfect sense.

That's why it's not easy to teach your partner to drive. You tell them they've made a mistake, they take it personally and get hurt. A professional instructor tells them, they aren't emotionally involved with them so they just take it on board.

Emsz speaks well too, however very generically. More men than you think have self esteem issues too when it comes to body image.

when it comes down to it if a man is marrying a woman cos he loves her, she could waddle down the aisle with make-up painted on by a 1year old and hair half shaved off... if she's got a glint in her eyes and is smiling he'll be overwhelmed with love and happiness

Aye.

Random Bloke Syndrome, that's what it is

You can explain something in minute detail, pointing out every single benefit and the complete lack of downsides, and your missus will not only ignore you, she'll actively do the opposite

Some random bloke (not even an instructor, just a bloke) will mention it in passing, and suddenly she's right on board with it

when it comes down to it if a man is marrying a woman cos he loves her, she could waddle down the aisle with make-up painted on by a 1year old and hair half shaved off... if she's got a glint in her eyes and is smiling he'll be overwhelmed with love and happiness

Can I just speak up for the shallow males on here, and say I might have a problem with this.

dont be mysogymathingy!

i is trying to paint us guys in a more positive light here blud

In preparation for our wedding

This is the key to the whole thing. If you weren't getting married then she [b]might[/b]* be prepared to take your advice.

However, at present she is in a spiral of almost unending pressure (real and/or imagined) to arrange the perfect wedding, where everything must be PERFECT, and where she must not have to contemplate wearing a size X dress, and where she must look more beautiful the [INSERT RELEVANT PERSONS HERE].

Having just got married I would advise you to shut the hell up and support her totally. She can do without someone else on her case and she will love you more for it.

After the wedding you can maybe try nudging her into something more sustainable.

*I take no responsibility for you spending a few nights on the sofa having suggested that your wife should lose a bit of weight...

Another reason why the whole wedding circus is pernicious damaging bollx. Amazing that in this day and age women still end up with this 'greatest day of my live' shite like you are in a Jane Austen novel.

sounds like Lipotrim

http://www.lipotrim.co.uk/

Dieting is not always easy for people - probably most people - hence the massive industry of 'calorie and nutrition controlled food'

People will blame everything under the sun - apart from themselves - for their fatness.

when it comes down to it if a man is marrying a woman cos he loves her, she could waddle down the aisle with make-up painted on by a 1year old and hair half shaved off... if she's got a glint in her eyes and is smiling he'll be overwhelmed with love and happiness

Can I just speak up for the shallow males on here, and say I might have a problem with this.

+1, I'd leg it!

xiphon - Member

People will blame everything under the sun - apart from themselves - for their fatness.

I blame you

People will blame everything under the sun - apart from themselves - for their fatness.

[img] [/img]

Where's iDave when you need him?

Just a point of order - slimming world and weight watchers are not fad diets...

The red day/green day thing was a bit bizarre, but my wife's doing the new Extra Easy one and it's actually pretty sensible. It does pretty much boil down to "eat fewer Yorkies, cheese and cake, drink less wine", but it gave her a way of seeing that.

My wife also on Slimming World doing the 'extra easy' she has lost more than 4 stone in a year. The amount she eats is unbelievable but it works!

I think she's lost just over a stone and a half in 12 weeks or so. Really sustainable too at 2lb or so a week, with the odd week where she maintains being followed by a 4lb loss.

Only problem is, I'm losing weight too - 1/2 a stone so far, dipping me under 11 stone for the first time in a good while. 🙂

Sounds like the Cambridge diet, I did it for a while a couple of years back.

I was 17st 10lb and it gave me a very quick start to weight loss, which motivated me to do more. Weaned myself off it after loosing two stone and now follow a healthy exercise/ diet plan to maintain my 15st 7lb.

My wife did it too and it enabled her to loose sufficient weight that she didn't feel embarrassed when taking up exercise - she now rides 50 miles a week on her road bike.

Worked for us, and a few others I know.

wanted to remind the laydeez out there that some of us are sensitive to such jibes in the way a lady might be

Been interesting seeing the shift in men becoming more self conscious in recent years? Not sure if it hasn't always been there though it's just that men feel more able to talk about it now?

Can I just speak up for the shallow males on here, and say I might have a problem with this.

Genuine LOL 🙂

If you want my advice, which you probably don't cos your a man and men are always right 🙂 , I would just be attentive. She's probably getting stressed about the wedding because every other Chuffing comment you get from everyone is along the lines of 'oh so are you going to try and lose weight for the big day' or every time you look at a biscuit 'oh you've got a wedding dress to get into don't forget' blah blah blah. I'm generally not one to get stressed out about stuff like that because I'm not that body conscious but it did start to make me a bit paranoid towards the end and so she's probably feeling this already if she's heading towards a faddy diet. My now hubby is amazing, if he knows I am feeling self conscious I always get asked if I've lost weight because I look fit or just says I look fit anyway. Helps a lot!

I'm here lurking, shaking my head in resigned disgust at the diet industry, the gullible and the iExcuse people.

These 'diets' encourage the rhythm method of girth control - that's how the companies make money, they know people go back after becoming heifers again on their normal processed carb daily eating.

Oh and I don't see it as shallow not fancying biffers. Though I'm aware that we all (including our partners) end up with the least ugly person who will tolerate being with us.

I concur with i dave, " diets" don't work. A food lifestyle change does. " oh goody I've reached my target weight, I'll go back to how I used to eat." Err no, that's how you got so big in the first place. 🙄

" oh goody I've reached my target weight, I'll go back to how I used to eat." Err no, that's how you got so big in the first place.

One thing I've been impressed with Slimming World about is that it's a sustainable 'diet' and that they have a maintenance programme. In fact, you get free membership if you stay within +/- a couple of pounds of the target weight.

agree re: slimming world they do seem to promote lifestyle changes rather than fad foods and they want people to be at the meetings saying 'I've lost the weight and kept it off', even if it is a minority who probably achieve this.

I am that 'friend of wife' who lost 4 stone on the Cambridge and then put it all back on...fail. It went back on over two yrs of studying and absolutely no exercise. I bottomed out (pardon the pun) about 8 wks ago and in a fit of madness went back to the extremely fat Cambridge advisor for more sugary shakes. I did this (sole source) for 4 wks and lost about 6lb a week. Although it is great for restoring control (or the illusion of it) it is far too un-natural a state to keep yourself in and the whole time your brain is screaming that it is not the right way to control weight gain/loss. I was really worried about my children seeing me behave that way too. My lovely friend had put on stones of weight whilst doing her degree and was very despondent when I recommended the Cambridge, she had seen me lose the 4st and it is really convincing for some (myself included). When we spoke again, she had lost 3 stone odd and felt great. She explained the diet and it just sounded too good to be true! I have been on it now for about 5 weeks (following the month of sole source) and out with the 1lb gain (which was nothing short of miraculous really) I have been consistently losing 4lb a week. HERE IN LIES THE RUB! I am sure it is my self destructive alter ego trying to drag me back to the biscuit barrel but I need to ask. Am I in any danger of harming myself with the lack of calcium from dairy, if I am not eating broccoli etc every day? I just need some reassurance. I am eating lots of veg and pulses but quite a lot of meat and eggs too. I miss fruit very much and worry that it is unnatural to limit such a positive type of food. I have rare craving for sugar but a spoon of peanut butter goes a long way. I feel that I can happily live this way but that nagging fear of simply replacing one disordered and harmful way of eating for another is ever present. There is no doubt that I am doing myself far less harm eating this way than how I was behaving to gain all that weight in the first place. The point is, I want to change forever, not for a year or two. I want to know that I am not causing issues for myself in the future. It really does feel too good to be true 🙂

sounds like a shit way to exist. there are free alternatives that will have you eating proper food.

I know someone that eats on alternate days, skips meals, generally eats strangely.

I've tried to iDiet them, they know all the science, but are simply not interested.

Sorry IDave, I meant that I came over to the IDave diet 5 wks ago and have been losing 4lb a week...lols. I had my mushroom, ham & cherry tomato omelette and my coffee with soya milk half an hour ago...I am happy a larry but need you to sooth me, and tell me i wont end up with brittle bones!!! Thanks so much for replying 🙂

Trouble is, in the last year i have lost over 5 stone through cutting out fatty foods and drinks, and excercising 3 or 4 times per week.

Got to say that that method doesn't seem to work for everyone. I can confirm that I don't eat fatty foods, rarely ever drink alcohol and all my home cooked foods are made almost entirely of veg and chicken with the occasional (once a week or so) small chocky bar lobbed in and get nowhere. I've been down the iDave route and it doesn't seem to work for me on a purely psychological basis - I spend 2-3 days dying for sugars, then lose it, then on my day off I get some sugars and regain the taste for it and start the cycle of irritating craving and hard work again. It works if I skip the day off, but only for a couple of weeks, then reverts. And it's surprisingly difficult or expensive to stick to which doesn't help, though some MTFUing is required of course!

I'm very interested in the outcome of this

http://www.****/femail/article-2051021/How-personal-trainer-obese--understand-fat-feels-like.html

They guy probably looks like most of us in his current state 8)

Bbob - I was never as big as him, but I let things go for a year once, and was 2.5 stone heavier than I am now - I know that the traditional 'eat less exercise more' is a very hard way to lose it.

coffeeking - i don't have the cheat days any more, as the amount of training I'm doing at the minute means I'm using simple carbs during and after training.

voltaire - replace the soy milk with cinnamon for an extra boost?

Bbob - I was never as big as him, but I let things go for a year once, and was 2.5 stone heavier than I am now - I know that the traditional 'eat less exercise more' is a very hard way to lose it.

Agreed.

iDave diet working for me currently 😀

I have a copy of your email to my friends husband (the one where you say you are not interested in hand holding - which made me lmao) which is where I got the whole omelette thing from too. I do the chilli's, the casseroles etc and have totally accepted soy milk now. Even on my day off I don't want cows milk or butter...just loads of fruit and yoghurt. Cinnamon in my coffee you say???
I saw my doc yesterday and she was really not happy that I was losing 4lb a week, in fact she kind of scared me a bit. When I did the Cambridge the first time round, I lost the 4st in a little over 6 weeks. It does seem to come off of me very quickly - i don't cheat. I felt really defensive and was justifying the diet by telling her what I eat every day but she was very staunch in her position that it was unhealthy to lose that amount so quickly. Even my Wii fit tells me off!!! 🙁

Am I in any danger of harming myself with the lack of calcium from dairy, if I am not eating broccoli etc every day?

Just wanted to point out to voltaire that for reasons too boring to go into here I've been more-or-less dairy free for about 15 years now, and I've not got broken anything in that time, so I reckon my skeleton is in reasonable nick. I don't live on broccoli and wouldn't say my diet is especially good or bad, just ok. Lots of cultures don't use cows' milk at all, and they don't have especially high incidence of random bone-snapping diseases. The idea that milk is the only source of calcium is milk-marketing toss, it's in all sorts of non-dairy stuff and often in a better form for absorption by the body too. Don't worry about it, eat a balanced diet and you'll be fine.

Incidentally, just before we got married my wife had to go on some medication that meant she couldn't drink milk or eat dairy. She lost so much weight in the four weeks before the big day that her dress was actually a bit big for her...

genuine question: Do people who lose/regain/lose this much weight end up with issues of their skin not fitting properly as it loses elasticity? Is there a non-surgical solution if it does happen?

They definitely do and this scared me silly too. I am very, very fortunate in that even being 4/5 stone overweight (I am 5' 7" and at my biggest was 15st 10lb) I remained very proportioned. Not any one area being massive (bum etc) just really big all over, but still curvy if you will. I assumed i would have loose skin but didn't/don't at all. I am 37 so not especially young and elasticated...just lucky I guess
😉

[hippy]

tofu and nuts are good for calcium

[/hippy]

But what about voltaire's concerns?
I've lost a stone over the last 10 weeks on iDave, but have similar fears about missing out on some essential vitamin or mineral. Not founded on any hard info, mind you...

Also, I'm pretty happy with a stone off, although this seems like a MUCH slower pace of weight loss than has been quoted by a lot of guys on the forum. Have been keeping to the diet verbatim, with the exception of drinking red wine more than just with meals. Considerably more. Could be the wine, could be my original diet, could just be me, I guess... Another stone to go...

EDIT: too slow, but it's not just about calcium, is it?

if you're eating lots of veg, nuts, eggs and meat, I'm not sure what vitamins and minerals you'll be lacking?

I'm not sure either. My fear is founded solely on how everyone always says that fruit are so good for you! Popular opinion is of course not a good basis for worry, I'll be the first to admit!

EDIT: And I'll take iDave's post as saying that there is nothing to worry about. As that's what I want to hear, and am too lazy to investigate myself, I will ignore my immediate circle of friends and family and go with a stranger on a forum. Thanks!

Before doing iDave, what were you eating? Rationally, was that better than what you're eating now?

If you're really worried, "binge" on fruit on your day off?

I've challenged a few dietitians on what micro-nutrients fruit is the exclusive source of, nothing has been suggested. modern fruit is much sweeter and also available all year round. in the past it was an autumn thing hence the body responds to fructose by initiating fat storage for winter. hence i don't see how we need to have it daily.

I am so glad I came on here. I am not a forum person but this is ace. I am eating lots of nuts, veg, meat, eggs and quorn sausages, veggie mince etc and do feel that my diet is better than it has ever been. I totally binge on fruit on my Saturday so I guess I have nothing to worry about. It is very reassuring to see that other's have similar concerns though. It's just anxiety about relying on something which others are quick to label as a fad. The Cambridge is the only 'fad' diet I ever did and I came under a lot of criticism for it and then looked ridiculous when the weight went back on. This is far a more rational and balanced approach, without a doubt.

TheyEye...you are talking my language big time!!!

Thanks iDave, that's excellent news.

I think you've hit at the heart of the issue voltaire -- the fear is born out of other people's reactions when I tell them exactly what I'm doing. Most dismiss it as a fad, try to label it, or argue that I'm destroying myself, which irritates me, but at the same time sows seeds of doubt. Mostly because I'm an ignoramus.

I do have lots of friends that are doctors however, and generally their response to the philosophy (as I explain it) has been A LOT more measured, with no negative and couple positive reactions. That is comforting.

doctors however, and generally their response to the philosophy (as I explain it) has been A LOT more measured

doctors like evidence, lots of people think they 'know' stuff.

theyEye - just ask people what specific details their opinion is based on? you'll find out pretty quickly that they haven't a ****ing clue about anything nutrition related as is often apparent by how fat they themselves are. daily mail readers are the worst, but crumble quite well.

its all about the sell

the idave diet just doesnt sell, it requires you to think and change your eating habits and i think that requires more determination than dropping a meal for a milkshake and carrying on as you are.

each to their own

oh yeah and support your wife to be regardless of what she wants to do, until its her idea...