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The dafter the better.
how many cats does it take to paint a wall?
...depends how hard you throw them
Whos Santas favorite elf ?
Elfis
a doctor eats an apple, thus creating a paradox
I farted in a lift the other day. It was wrong on many levels.
Q. what's got a 100 balls and f*cks rabits
A. a shotgun
Q. What's invisible and smells of bananas?
A. monkey fart
Q.How do you start a teddy bear race?
A. Marry one and have children.
2 Parrots sit on a perch. One says to the other 'Can you smell fish'?
according to research only one in seven dwarfs is happy
Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Did you hear about the Dyslexic devil worshipper. He sold his soul to Santa.
Did you hear about the man with a limp and a lisp?
.
.
.
.
.
.
He walked round in Thircles!!!
Agnostic, dyslexic insomniac? Used to lie awake at night, wondering if there was a dog.
What's soft and slippery?
A slipper.
My friend told me to buy Rage Against the Machine's "Killing In The Name" in protest against the X-Factor always getting the Christmas No. 1.
I said "**** you, I won't do what you tell me."
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "**** off, you won't bring it back."
Remember – drinking alcohol can seriously harm your baby.
Especially if you’re in Portugal and can't be arsed to pay for a babysitter.
Dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?
Knock knock
Dyslexic alcoholic, choked on his own vimto.
Did you hear about the claivoyant dwarf that recently escaped from prison? Local press are reporting a small, medium at large.
A seal, walks into a club
What's brown & rhymes with Snoop?
...Dr Dre
A man walks into a bar...
...Clang
Why did the Pie cross the road?
..It was meat in potatoes
hear the one about a red-indian chief who drank 50 gallons of tea?
He was found dead in the morning, drowned in his tee-pee
I love blind dates. You can stare at their t!ts all night!
What Dickens character likes boobies?
David Coppafeel
Hahahah...haha..ha..h.... ..
two fish in a tank. do you know how to drive this thing?
what sort of bees can you get milk from?
Boo-bees
Two peas in a pod, which one was married?
Neither, they are both bachelors!
Why did the baker have smelly hands?
He kneaded a poo.
I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Gran's dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.
Two Elephants walk off a cliff
...boom boom!
How do you get two whales in a mini?
Across the Severn bridge!
Man walks into a shop: I'd like to buy a wasp please.
Shop owner: I don't sell wasps.
Man: You've got one in the window.
A trans-sexuals best christmas?
Eat, drink and be Mary.
whats E.T short for?
its cause he had little legs....
whats the difference between a fetish and a perversion?
with a fetish you use a feather, with a perversion you use the entire duck.
Real Madrid 2, Surreal Madrid fish.
Was in town today and someone pressed the Pelican button...
Oooh it made me cross.
What does an Eskimo keep his home together with?
Iglue
Did you hear about the magic Tractor?
It turned into a field.
What does NASA stand for?
Need Another Seven Astronauts.
What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg?
Hop in.
The latest club craze is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka and then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of minge drinking
Why did the man fall off his bike?
Because he had a canoe thrown at his head
What has 2 legs and bleeds?
Half a cat
Why don't you see elephants hiding in the trees?
Because they're good at it.
What's the best ceese for disguising a horse?
Marscapone
someone asked me the other day; 'what's your pet hate?'. I said "it doesn't like things shoved up it's arse".
Masochist : Hurt me.
Sadist : No.
What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?
Roberto!
I was offered 8 venison legs today, but turned them down as they were too dear.
what's brown and sticky...
a stick
two snowmen in field, one turns to the other and says...
"can you smell carrots?"
Butcher offers customer prime meat cuts off the top shelf.
Customer: "No thanks the steaks are too high."
Whats the similarity between 5.30am and a pigs tail- theyre both twirly
whats blue and ****s grannies...?
hypothermia
What's pink and ****s old ladies?
John West salmon
Possibly a little obscure for younger viewers.
What's green and ****s old ladies?
Me, in my lucky green coat.
whats green and eats nuts?
syphillis.
i like to read that out as if from a cracker at work Xmas parties 🙂
What's brown and sticky and runs round your garden?
A fence.
My fence is made of metal.
What's black and white and looks like a horse?
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Or a zebra.
How do start a rice pudding race?
Sago.
Q) Why do mice have small balls ?
A) Because not many of them can dance.
Read it on here but I've had to explain it to a few people so perhaps not a great joke.
I couldn't beat my mate on that golf game on the xbox, so I thought I'd try the Internet for some tips. You try googling "tiger woods cheats"
are we past the watershed yet?
how do you get 10 babies into a tupperware box?
use a blender
how do you get them out again?
doritos
Paddy and Murphy throwing stones at the floor. Paddy missed......
Two fish in a tank. One says 'Have you a licence to drive this?'
What is yellow, smells of bananas and hangs from trees? Monkey Sick
The masochist who liked nothing better than a freezing cold bath every morning, so he had a hot one instead.
Why don't fairies ever get pregnant?
Because they only go to goblin parties.
A vicar books into a hotel, goes to the receptionist and asks if the porn channel in his room is disabled? no replies the receptionist, its just normal porn, you sick bast@rd.
Man goes into the baker and asks for a white sliced loaf, baker says sorry we've only got brown,
Man says that's okay I've got my bike outside..
eh?
eh?
What's Pinocchio's girlfriend's favourite sexual position?
F*ck Knows
I WANNA KNOW WHAT STARRMAN28'S MEANS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stupid dwarves:
not big and not clever.
Think about it...
Two lions escape from Blackpool zoo and are walking down the seafront.
"You know", says one to the other, "I thought it would be busier than this on a bank holiday Monday."
Man walks up to an ice cream van, points a gun at the woman and says 'give me a 99!'
Woman says 'Do you want chopped nuts?'
To which the man replies, "Do you want your tits blowing off!?'
One for Starrman28.
What's the difference between a duck ?
One goes quack.
Thought about it, asked my mates down the pub. Still don't get it.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
why did the sheep cross the road?
He had his dick up the chickens arse!
Deer, isn't it.
Bollo....
That should have been
Venison's deer isnt it.
Or
Stationary store moves
Or
Dwarf shortage
They short enough?
I bought a race horse today. I called it My Face. I don’t care how much it costs me or whether or not it wins, I just wanna hear thousands of the posh tarts at Ascot shout “Come on My Face!”
Man walks into a cake shop in Glasgow: "Hauw, is that a pavlova in tha windae, or a meringue?"
"Naw yer right, it's a pavlova"
Can someone explain Starrman28's brown joke - I'm feeling very thick for not getting it.
benji_allen, none.
That's why there's no punchline there 🙄
Woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre,so the barman gave her one.
Whats red and not there?
No tomatoes.
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but only if it really wants to change.
MilitantGraham, What's the difference between a duck ? one leg is both the same....