What's green and ****s old ladies?
Me, in my lucky green coat.
whats green and eats nuts?
syphillis.
i like to read that out as if from a cracker at work Xmas parties 🙂
What's brown and sticky and runs round your garden?
A fence.
My fence is made of metal.
What's black and white and looks like a horse?
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Or a zebra.
How do start a rice pudding race?
Sago.
Q) Why do mice have small balls ?
A) Because not many of them can dance.
Read it on here but I've had to explain it to a few people so perhaps not a great joke.
I couldn't beat my mate on that golf game on the xbox, so I thought I'd try the Internet for some tips. You try googling "tiger woods cheats"
are we past the watershed yet?
how do you get 10 babies into a tupperware box?
use a blender
how do you get them out again?
doritos
Paddy and Murphy throwing stones at the floor. Paddy missed......
Two fish in a tank. One says 'Have you a licence to drive this?'
What is yellow, smells of bananas and hangs from trees? Monkey Sick
The masochist who liked nothing better than a freezing cold bath every morning, so he had a hot one instead.
Why don't fairies ever get pregnant?
Because they only go to goblin parties.
A vicar books into a hotel, goes to the receptionist and asks if the porn channel in his room is disabled? no replies the receptionist, its just normal porn, you sick bast@rd.
Man goes into the baker and asks for a white sliced loaf, baker says sorry we've only got brown,
Man says that's okay I've got my bike outside..
eh?
eh?
What's Pinocchio's girlfriend's favourite sexual position?
F*ck Knows
I WANNA KNOW WHAT STARRMAN28'S MEANS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stupid dwarves:
not big and not clever.
Think about it...
Two lions escape from Blackpool zoo and are walking down the seafront.
"You know", says one to the other, "I thought it would be busier than this on a bank holiday Monday."
Man walks up to an ice cream van, points a gun at the woman and says 'give me a 99!'
Woman says 'Do you want chopped nuts?'
To which the man replies, "Do you want your tits blowing off!?'
One for Starrman28.
What's the difference between a duck ?
One goes quack.
Thought about it, asked my mates down the pub. Still don't get it.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
why did the sheep cross the road?
He had his dick up the chickens arse!
Deer, isn't it.
Bollo....
That should have been
Venison's deer isnt it.
Or
Stationary store moves
Or
Dwarf shortage
They short enough?
I bought a race horse today. I called it My Face. I don’t care how much it costs me or whether or not it wins, I just wanna hear thousands of the posh tarts at Ascot shout “Come on My Face!”
Man walks into a cake shop in Glasgow: "Hauw, is that a pavlova in tha windae, or a meringue?"
"Naw yer right, it's a pavlova"
Can someone explain Starrman28's brown joke - I'm feeling very thick for not getting it.
benji_allen, none.
That's why there's no punchline there 🙄
Woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre,so the barman gave her one.
Whats red and not there?
No tomatoes.
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but only if it really wants to change.
MilitantGraham, What's the difference between a duck ? one leg is both the same....
How many premenstrual women does it take to change a lightbulb?
17
Why?
It just does,you b*stard.
starman+hovis+gold hill?
Thank God RD - I shouldn't have to think this hard first thing in the morning 😕
It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.
- "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic."
- "Well," answered the Priest, "That's no a sin."
- "But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed."
- "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
- "Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question."
- "What is it son."
- "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
Bear walks in to a bar, can I have a........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... pint of beer please
bar man says sure, but why the big pause
What's brown and sticky?
Anal
Knock Knock
"who's there?"
"A control freak, now you have to say 'Control Freak Who?'"
How do you piss off a female archeologist?
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from
I used to be into Necrophilia until some roten cu*t split on me....
A sandwich goes to the pub, walks up to the bar, asks for a drink, the barman says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve food"
