[Closed] tell me a joke or something funny...

why not show us how funny your mates are first, so we know what we are competing against

to get you started

I dropped a full tube of toothpaste down the toilet this morning.

I was absolutely crestfallen.

Opened a can of whup-ass and, Jesus, the smell! Turns out it was just a mislabelled can of regular ass.

I wasn't feeling well so I went to the doctor's.

The doctor explained, "well, I'm afraid you've got Onomatopoeia."

"Really?" I asked, "what's that?"

"Well," replied the doctor, "it's exactly what it sounds like."

You will never guess who I just saw at the petrol station - it was that Human Torch guy from the Fantastic 4 film.

I tried to get his autograph but he just kept rolling around on the floor screaming.

A bloke I was talking to the other day was bragging that the temperature of his balls was -273 degrees Celcius.

Absolute bollocks if you ask me.

Absolute gems from Cougar - I'll be getting much mileage from those.

Tbf Cougar, your one-liners are always gems...more please.

+1 for the Cougar!

I'm like a slower Tim Vine.

Wait, that's Jeremy, isn't it.

more please.

Oh dear. Ok.

What's the difference between zombies?

Zombies make honey, and zombies don't.

and

What kind of bees can we get milk from?

Boo-bees.

fwiw your 'pirated' joke still makes me s**** every couple of weeks 🙂

'pirated'

Which one is that?

Which one is that?

I bought a DVD the other day, on the back it said "3.142 stars out of 5."

I'm worried that it might be pirated.

Drug dealers in Barnsley have been selling Ecstasy in dental syringes, it's called E by Gum....

I saw some Tightrope Walkers the other day.

I thought, crisp flavours just keep getting stranger.

What goes "Mark!... Mark!... Mark!... Mark!... Mark!..."?

A dog with a hair lip.

😆 @ a) pirated and b) crisps

What goes "Mark!...

Similarly,

What goes "Boo!... Boo!..."?

A cow with a cold.

Jeez the pirated joke took me at least 30 seconds. In off to hand my degree back 😳

My local pub is getting a Man Utd dartboard. It doesn't have any doubles or trebles.

Man Utd fans will today unveil a "19 times" banner at Old Trafford.

In recognition of how many times they touched the ball Saturday

Vine-tastic!

The term "pikeys" has been deemed no longer politically correct.

They are now to be referred to as Caravan Using Nomadic TravellerS

woman sends hubbie to the the shops...

'can you pick me up a loaf of bread.. oh and if they've got any eggs bring back a dozen...'

bloke comes back with a dozen loaves..

'WTF is this all about !?' exclaims the wife..

'they had eggs..' replies the crestfallen fella...

And on the bee theme, where did Noah put them?
In archives

I went out with an Irish Catholic girl once. Very frustrating; you can take the girl out of Cork...

I went to the docs the other day after experiencing some problems with my gentlemans parts..
'Right then Mr Yunki.. drop your trousers and underwear and I'll take a look..'

almost immediately she declared that I would have to stop masturbating..
somewhat dejected I enquired as to why..

'So that I may examine you..' was her curt reply..

Due to an error in translation, Osama Bin Laden arrived at the gates of paradise to discover that he was going to be attended by 72 Vegans

Bloke walks into a doctors with a strawberry wedged up his bum, doctor says " you need to put some cream on that"

Man is driving down the road when he accidentally ran over a small child coming back from band practise carrying his triangle

Boom, boom, tssssccchh....

"Good grief, Holmes - why are you putting Silver Shred marmalade on that young lad's bottom ?"

"Lemon entry, my dear Watson"

Any more?

How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

.....Want to go ride bikes?

yunki's leading for me...

Jean-Claude, Pierre and Henri are taking a walk through the french countryside. Jean-Claude looks over a hedge into a field, gasps and says "Mon Dieu! Pierre, come here! Look. There is a man in the field who is making love to a dead woman."
Pierre looks over hedge "Sacre bleu! you are right. Henri! Come here. Look. There is a man in the field who is making love to a dead woman".
Henri walks over, looks over the hedge, takes off his glasses, gives them a wipe, puts them back on, takes another look and says "You are mistaken, mes amis. She is not dead. She is English".

I went to the doctors the other day.
I said "Doctor, I keep dreaming of the green green grass of home"
"Aah, you`ve got Tom Jones syndrome" he says.
"Is that common"
"It`s not unusual"

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the light buld really has to want to change.

One day an english bloke was driving aroung the backblocks of
Sydney one day, when he saw a little girl in the paddock next to
him. With the little girl was a gigantic bull, that was
preparing to gore the little girl.

The Pom took action. He slammed on the brakes of his car, jumped
out, ran over and jumped the barbed wire fence, grabbed the bull
by it's horns, flipped it over and broke it's back.

An Aussie reporter saw the whole thing, and after the bull was
dead (not being aware that the guy was english) he rushed over
to congratulate him.

"That was absolutly bloody fantastic mate! It'll make front page
news, just give me your details,"

So the Pom gives him his details. A day later he buys the
newspaper and looks at the headline. It reads POMMY BASTARD
KILLS CHILDS PET.

how many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the lightbulb and the other to hold his [s]cock[/s] ladder

I was called into the managers office today because of my dress code. He said 'You cant wear pyjamas for work' I said 'Everyone else does' He shouted 'Thats because their f*%$ing patients'

like scaredypants mucho.

[url=

Freud told a decent joke[/url]

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks.

The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.

His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.

When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give
to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts
said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.

The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing
the translator relayed the message:

"Watch out for these assholes. They have come to steal your land."

old chinese proverb

man who confuse laxative with viagra.....

crap in bed

crimewatch has told me but one thing.... avoid people with fuzzy faces.

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I answered the phone at work today.
A voice said "Is that the local bus depot ?"
I said "It depends where you're calling from"

Wife's been missing 2 weeks and police have told me to expect the worst. So I've been to the charity shops to ask for her clothes back.

Was in the pub with the missus and said 'I love you'. That's just the beer talking she says. No, I said, it's me talking to the beer.

Why can't you see elephants playing hide and seek in trees?
Because there very good at it.

me & the mrs were sitting in the living room and i said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." So she unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer....