My wife hadn't seen her 24 year old daughter for a while so I said let's pay for her flights and she can come away with the 3 of us to Italy. Our week has been great, but for the whole week she hasn't offered to pay for one single thing. We go to the supermarket and buy food and she is chucking stuff in the trolley and saying "I'll buy that. But we never see the money" Food out at restaurants is the same.
She'll happily sit guzzling the wine and beer and I am really annoyed that at 24 she hasn't picked up a basket and said "I'll get the beer and wine today". Even if it was just once it would be a really nice gesture.
Am I being unreasonable as my wife is also annoyed, but has rightly pointed out that having a conversation will just cause an argument.
At 24 I would have been really embarrassed to be so tight and expect my parents to pick up the bill. Seems like the current generation don't seem to have an issue with it.
You know you want a pagga so suck it up until you get home. Then give her both barrels the tight arse.
At 24 I wouldn't have dreamed of not paying my own way. I don't think it's a generational thing, sounds like an individual thing.
Better not to think about money when with family members to avoid all the agitation you get.
Assume you spent you money for good cause ... assume you have given free money away.
🙂
Am I being unreasonable as my wife is also annoyed,
No
but has rightly pointed out that having a conversation will just cause an argument.
So, if shes that offended she can eat out alone.
Told both my sons 21 & 18 this weekend to dip their hand into pockets on a weekend away trip.
Does she work ?
I have a daughter similar age, who is doing charity stuff at mo post Masters. She doesn't have a load of spare cash....
My in-laws simply will not let us pay for things when we are away with or staying with them. The best I can do is refuse to tell my mother-in-law how much I paid when I do errands to the shops and suchlike when she tries to give me cash. My father-in-law seems to understand I find it awkward and will let me pick up a bill from time to time, just to be kind 🙂
I have the opposite end of the OP's problem.
Can't get anywhere near paying for anything if we go anywhere with my mum and dad!
He's like a bill paying ninja
Inlaws are exactly the same.
Go out for a slap up meal & hand her the bill? If she says anything, just be honest & say, 'well youv'e paid for nowt else all week so your'e paying for this'.
When your sat in a the restaurant and she says that she'll pay this time do you not just slip the bill over to her when it arrives? What I'm getting at is could you nudge her a little without it ending in a full blown argument?
The best I can do is refuse to tell my mother-in-law how much I paid when I do errands to the shops and suchlike when she tries to give me cash.
My mum is the same, if I don't let her pay something she stops asking me to get stuff for her, so I generally bill her around half the actual cost for stuff and somehow can never seem to find a receipt. I think she might know what's going on but if she does then it's just become an unspoken arrangement that we're both comfortable with.
I don't feel well. I read a Chewkw post, I know I shouldn't have, and I agree with it. I feel confused and a little dizzy. I know it's not right... .
It's the law here I have to provide for junior to 25 and even beyond, but if ever he gets rich I can play poverty and milk him.
If you have lots more money than your kids it seems mean to make them pay. Vertical solidarity.
[quote=Edukator ]
If you have lots more money than your kids it seems mean to make them pay.
+1
My daughter was on holiday with us in Spain earlier this year. Not once did I ask her/expect her to pay for anything. Age 21 she's got enough financial worries.
Not once did I ask her/expect her to pay for anything. Age 21 she's got enough financial worries.
Which is fair enough but in the OP's case the lass keeps saying, 'I'll get it' but doesn't. It wouldv'e gone down better if she'd said that she was skint/couldn't pay in the 1st place.
"your" kid, you invited her, didnt make the money situation clear.
i blame the parents.
if she couldnt afford the flights, what made you think she could/would afford the rest?
My wife hadn't seen her 24 year old daughter for a while
Could it be that it's not that your wife's daughter is tight, but rather that there is some 'relationship dynamic' at work here? Does the daughter think your wife let her down in some way as a mother, and her anger about this is manifesting itself in a petty decision to make your wife (or you) pay (in cash) for past parenting failures?
Apologies if this cod psychology is completely wide of the mark, but it might be that there's more to this than her just being tight.
I'm 44 my Mother takes us on holiday every now and then the last time was April, she point blank refuses to allow me pay for anything I have to sneak off to pay for things.
The only way I get to pay for anything with parents/de-facto in-laws is if we invite them out somewhere. If they invite us I've got no chance.
On reflection I think I will let this one pass and just not invite her again. She is working so money isn't the issue and she has no issue buying other stuff. She has already told us she wants to find a winery so she can buy a few bottles to take home with her.
I come from a very different upbringing where I had a job from a young age and paid keep at an early age. I moaned, but it taught me that you have to pay your way in life.
"your" kid, you invited her, didnt make the money situation clear.
i blame the parents.if she couldnt afford the flights, what made you think she could/would afford the rest?
Fair point.
Oh sweet mother of god! I agree with both Chewy and Edukator
I feel violated!
I think I'm going to go somewhere quiet and have a little cry
On reflection I think I will let this one pass and just not invite her again
Really ? Does that honestly seem like the best plan of action ? To not take your daughter away just because of money... Come on...seriously ?
Yes, she is YOUR daughter too, once you married your wife, she became yours. So you either fix the situation or you accept the situation. But not seeing her, well that's just a bit rubbish IMO.
Really ? Does that honestly seem like the best plan of action ? To not take your daughter away just because of money... Come on...seriously ?
What I said came out wrong. My daughter has an annoying habit of being a free loader. If she can get someone else to pay for it or get it for free she will do that. She has been staying at a mates place rent free for that last 6 months.
Maybe, it's because that approach does not fit well with me.
Then one of you needs to try and fix that situation ? Not just let it come between you.
Glad I posted on here as it has made me rethink. In the end my wife and I did invite her and based on the previous holiday where the same thing happened we both should have known.
Right. I'm off for a Tuscan gravel ride 🙂
I come from a very different upbringing where I had a job from a young age and paid keep at an early age. I moaned, but it taught me that you have to pay your way in life.
I blame the parents....
I blame everyone except me.
"Oops, I've forgotten my wallet. Can you cover this bill, daughter?" 😉
I'm nearly 40 and just spent a week on holiday with my parents and didn't pay for anything except my flights 😉
I suspect OP would have been happy to pay for everything if daughter had, at least at one point, actually made a genuine attempt to pay for the meal/shopping.
It's not the actual payment, but the fact that she hasn't once offered, that is the big issue.
is the holiday over yet?
If she writes you a cheque at the end of it to cover her share, you'll feel like a **** for having slagged her off.
If on the other hand she doesn't, then feel free to moan on here.
Seems like the current generation don't seem to have an issue with it.
One daughter represents a whole generation?
Maybe you should have offered for her to come with you but she would have to pay the flight. If she didn't want to pay the flight then that tells you all you need to know.
Both of ours are adult-ish but if I invited them on hols I wouldn't expect them to pay for anything or even offer.
I look forward to the day when they invite us it'll be payback time 😈
I have the opposite end of the OP's problem.
Can't get anywhere near paying for anything if we go anywhere with my mum and dad!
This.
If I go for a beer with my dad, he pays. It's always the same dance, he buys the first round telling me that I can get the next one. Then when I go to buy the next one he givs his money to the bar tender before I have chance to get my wallet out. Same with meals, "I'll treat you", "no you won't, you can get the next one", cue the same at the next meal.
Anyway, yes, Chewkw is right, it's family, normal money rules do not apply.
I'm nearly 44 and have just agreed to drive up to Skye to visit my parents. My mum dropped £100 petrol money into my bank account within two minutes of coming off the phone!
Cafes and restaurants are hilarious - practically a race to pay the bill and on the rare occasions I've got in first, she'll hide cash in my luggage to make up for it!
She should be contributing, no doubt about it. Or at least offering and showing you the money so you can decline if you like. A basket of grub isn't a massive expense for a working person (who'd be buying food at home anyway) and it's the gesture. If she was totally and genuinely skint, it would be different.
What I said came out wrong. My daughter has an annoying habit of being a free loader. If she can get someone else to pay for it or get it for free she will do that. She has been staying at a mates place rent free for that last 6 months.Maybe, it's because that approach does not fit well with me.
I'm with you on this one. Saying she'll pay and then not doing it suggests that she knows what she is doing but possibly finds it difficult to confront herself with what she is up to because, let's face it, things are working out pretty well for her as it stands.
I'd give her a wide berth.
As dull as it sounds we, (retired mum, semi retired step dad, 3 working kids+spouses/SOs) agree how many meals out we are going to have vs eating in and have a food kitty that we all pay into and use that, then split bills in restaurants (equally). Not the case at the moment as all have jobs but If any of the kids are skint/not working, then a quiet word is had and parents cover it or a least some of it until more fiscally abundant times.
I think you need to be blunt and tell her the score. We paid for your flight but it doesn't mean we will pay for everything...
I know it would be nice if she offered but some people just don't/wont.
[quote=flanagaj ]She has already told us she wants to find a winery so she can buy a few bottles to take home with her.
I'm assuming you're invited along? 😈
My parents won't let me pay for anything, infact they still give me pocket money (they didn't when I was a kid though tbf, just now I'm older, times are tight and they're putting my sister and her kid up permanently)
The wife's parents expect us to pay our way for everything, we had to borrow their car for a morning the other week and they accepted our offer of £5 petrol money for about 10 miles use.
Families are different, none are wrong, I didn't get on with my dad at all when I was younger, Mrs P had a great relationship with hers. Me and her have ended up as very similar people.
Maybe she has an expensive habit.
I'd go with being blunt.
When I was younger and a bit oblivious about that sort of thing, when ever i used to go to see my dad and my step mother in Italy he'd take me to one side and say "you should offer to pay for dinner tonight".
At the time i felt mortified that i hadn't offered.
Now going out with family is the usual battle with everyone insisting that they pay.
I think you need to be blunt and tell her the score. We paid for your flight but it doesn't mean we will pay for everything...I know it would be nice if she offered but some people just don't/wont.
+1 ...not to mention they set the pattern here...both from previous holidays and paying flights
I probably did the same thing when younger... certainly as a student I let my dad pay... and then later when I was working and could afford it I probably continued a bit...
In this case they could at least take a halfway step and suggest she pays for her own meal... or contribute to the whole bill.
My Nan and her sister used to have full blown shouting matches in BHS cafe over the bill with both of them loudly insisting that they would pay.
With my parents now I work to a three offers policy, I'll offer to pay three times then I shut up and take their money.
Suck it up. It would be nice if she offered to make a gesture, but she is your guest. For years we would go out with the in-laws and I would always pay (or attempt to pay) for the drinks. Now we are better off, I like to pay for everything. It would be nice of she offers (and then you'd decline, of course), but expectation on your part is breeding your resentment.
If teen2 buys me a drink this year on holiday it's a zero sum game, as I pay him an allowance for Uni anyway 😉 .
My eldest is 21 and youngest 19. This is the first holiday without them since they were born (we fly out Saturday) I would pay anything for them both to be coming with us.
christ, I pick the bill up for both my kids and my parents!! Neither have 2 pennies to rub together.
I don't feel well. I read a Chewkw post, I know I shouldn't have, and I agree with it. I feel confused and a little dizzy. I know it's not right... .
I am so there. I assume that if I am in the position to pick up their tickets I am not also assigning them the burden of paying something without being clear about it.
I'm torn on this one.
Take for example my parents. They recently inherited some money and have been very insistent that they want to pay to replace the windows on my house. Personally I'm not that fussed and would rather they blew the money on themselves, however this is what they want to do. On the downside it probably is going to cost me lots of money to replace many of the blinds which will get ripped out at the same time. Not a big deal, but their generosity is now going to cost me money I would have chosen to spend on something else.
Back to the OP. She's got a 'free' holiday that she might have not chosen to go on otherwise and may have felt obliged to go on. This might have already cost her money elsewhere (holiday clothes? unpaid time off work?) and paying to eat out may not have been money she was planning on spending.
It would be much more straightforward if the ground rules are laid out upfront so she had the option to come or not.