[Closed] Splitting up

Not had time to read through all the details in other replies, but if ever there was a case for proper counselling, this sounds like it. Lots to bring out and resolve, for the little ones sake even if it doesn't save the relationship.

Some friends are working through their problems (OK, my mate was acting like a prize aris) but it's really pulled them back from the brink.

Has she had treatment for the ME / CFS? Sounds like it could all be wrapped up together...

Seems like the ME side of things could be more related to thyroid than anything else. But that didn't become apparent until last year when she was really ill. Thankfully she's much better now as a result of different methods (and no Thyroxin).

It sounds like she is depressed and is taking it out on the person closest to her.

If she will not go to Relate then can she discuss this with a friend or close family member?

woodlander - it takes time for medication to work as it needs to get to every cell of the body. Don't underestimate this.

woodlander - Member

Relate

Yep, was thinking about them earlier. Have never liked the idea of "councelling" type stuff so maybe I need to MTFU and just do it. Whether the GF is up for it is another challenge altogether.

My wife left me in June,in similar circumstances as you describe(no illness.) I begged to go to relationship Scotland as relate is up here but she was adamant we were finished. As brutal(and god it was) as it was I got myself together as we have kids. Over 4/5 months it went from over to going to RS. I was a sceptic,but what a difference they made. Eight years is a long time to walk away from. Just my pennys worth,good luck whatever you end up doing.

I'm sorry to hear this OP but I have to agree with a lot of the comments that you are being held to account for trying to keep your family together. Who is going to do all the work to look after your 3yr old when you move out? She's lucky to have you.

I was in a similar situation 5 years ago. I separated from my wife, at her suggestion, as I'd upset her one time too much - turns out she'd got back with her 1st boyfriend and couldn't tell me the truth. She still won't admit she cheated 5 years on. I did a lot of the chores in the house and now my 14yr old daughter makes dinner most nights for them.

If she will not go to Relate then can she discuss this with a friend or close family member?

She most likely is already (or will). She's v close to her mum who I get on with really well. I'd like to think that will count for something.

@cg: agreed. The positive effects of the first term of meds has "worn off" 2 weeks early, but that's because the consultant had to speculate on quantity. Understandably she's upset with this. Next appt is next week so am hopeful that will be more accurate and last the full term.

@duckman: great to hear of your turnaround 🙂 I've also been a sceptic in the past probably because by nature I'm not the most outwardly emotional/expressive person when it comes to revealing myself. Partly a bloke thing I guess? I'm generally pretty good at helping others sort out their sh1t though (except when it's someone close to home).

@youngrob: TBH I can't even handle thinking about how she/we would cope with certain things. Plus my son and I are so close that I ... well, I can't even go there 🙁

I know how you feel, I was exactly the same. I still get angry about it now tbh, that was the most difficult part for me. Hopefully you will be able to work it out.

Plenty of good advice given Woodlander, I can't add anything else. Good luck to you and your family, hopefully it will work out for the best.

J

I think the gist so far is:

1. To woo or not to woo
2. Try Relate

I reckon giving her time and space is needed for now. Like I and another poster said, women seem to like going to the bottom of the well (of sh1t) before coming back up in their own time. Tis a bit early to go into woo mode IMO.

Don't know if I'm being overly optimistic here but maybe Valentines Day will give us an opportunity to get back?

Am coming round to the idea of Relate. I reckon I can MTFU, get my sh1t out in the open and properly prioritise our relationship over work etc.

Thanks all!

Hi Mate.
Time to keep your pecker up and to talk to some mates or family if you are able and feel up to it. It will surprise you how much a good old natter with some close people will help.
I had an almost identical situation about 18 months ago (I have two kids slightly older). We tried to work things out by going to relate but she just felt picked on, which was weird. I changed and showed more love and and compassion but got the impression that the cold shoulder wasn`t warming.
We stumbled along together still not being happy and picking at each other with good time and bad.
I know exactly how hard it was when she first said she wanted to split up and you have my sympathies.
with us we have split up now, only last week in fact, and are sharing the kids etc. To be honest its not great but I actually don`t feel bad about it at all - in fact I feel quite liberated.
The best advice I can give is sometimes things arent meant to be. It may be best to try and let go as it sounds like youve done a lot for the family. Obviously if there is anything salvageable then try and work it out but you may end up like me. Happy with the split and looking forward to the future.
p.s. it will seem really hard now especially as you sound very much like myself, working hard for the family and being a loving father and probably not getting the credit you deserve yourself.
Good luck.

Hi OP,
I think you are in a shit position. It sounds that you have done everything you can do to provide for her and your kid during tough times - lesser people would have buggered off much earlier.

I'm a skeptic when it comes to ME. I know it is recognised as a condition etc, so I am just stating this to make things clear. ME sufferers that I have known, along with anorexics and those suffering from depression are very, very needy people. I know, my father was the later, made my life hell from 11 - 18 - but I accept he was ill. However it didn't stop me wondering why the hell, when he wasn't ill, he just didn't say "sorry, I was a complete arse.

I think your partner is throwing a mega needy fit (obviously, this in depth diagnosis comes straight from a BB). FFS, you have stood by her through bad times and worse times, kept everything together and now she thinks you don't love or care for her.

I think it is time for a little tough love - explain to her what you have gone through, how it has affected you, what it has done to your self esteem. Also explain to her how you are prepared to stick with her through another bout of whatever (and the next one, and the next one). Quite frankly I read this and think she is taking the piss or has met someone else, or is a daddy's little princes.

Through her very selfish actions, she will f*** up your life , your kids life - and just cos she wants to be loved "more"

It is up to you mate - but Plan B sounds better with every second that passes. However, I am not you, you have the emotional stuff and a kid. You deserve real praise for sticking with things has you have and being tolerant. But it is time she saw how things are in your world.

Can you get it back together - yes , of course you can, this is just a meh, meh, meh skirmish. I've been married a long time - had my head turned. Nearly truly right royally screwed everything up. It took some serious blunt talking ( and relate were piss useless - they took my wife side is some sort of coillition) from both sides. TBH, I was the sinner - but the reasons why it happened are not so disimiliar to your circumstances - however no illness.

It can work if you both want it too. Now, the 64 thousand dollar question. In the cold light of day, assuming you get control of your kid, do you want to still be there?

<kettle on>

*shakes head*

I think hes talking from own personal experience not generalising i.e his Dad was frustrated/angry with his situation. Please dont castigate him.

When a parent is longterm sick it can grind a son or daughter down.

Move on.

MrMoofo - takes balls to be that honest about your experiences. Fair play to you and Mooly for telling it how it was for you both.

Jam

The worst bit was his ability to play the victim- and when medics were around, to play absolutely normal whilst suggesting the rest of us needed treatment.
Hence , I am just saying to the OP consider the situation not through rose tinted specs

Cinnamon girl - do you have something to add?

O.P.

horrid position to be in for both of you.. my heart goes out to you.

We only have your side of the story, however you appear to have recognised your faults and your part in all of this.
I've re-read your post a couple of times and a absolutely fail to see what else you could have done. You have taken on doing her side of the family/home duties, you've worked extra hard to further your career, presumably to allow you all to have a better quality of life. It sounds like you've entirely put your life on hold to concentrate on the needs of the family. Do you have any time to yourself??

Your desire to put the family unit back together is entirely selfless, you said

And I've since wanted nothing more than for us to become a couple again and to continue raising our amazing little boy together

May be you put to much time into your career but i fail to see how that's made her loose trust in you.. You might have hurt her feelings, she might have felt neglected, but loose trust...

What happens if you get back together, you totally re-organise, and re-prioritise your life to fit around her needs. You do everything that she asks of you, what happens at the next melt down??
You've no where to go, you've given up everything already.

professional help is a really good idea. If I may suggest that its not just help with the relationship, i think you're partner has underlying issues that might be worth airing.. whether she wants to is a different matter.

No matter what happens, if you can say "I did my best to try to sort this" you've done all you can...

all the best

Good advice from Jimmy01.
I think thats why I can say I'm happy with my situation as I had been the one trying to keep the family together, doing plenty of chores (easily my fair share), school pick ups, generally trying my hardest and have come to the conclusion that there is mo more I could do.
My other half has been suffering from depression and although I have offered to help tried to give her time neither have worked.
We have done a great job in raising our boys like i'm sure you have with yours.
Be proud of what you have achieved. Life is difficult sometimes but it is also pretty damn good at others.
What ever happens, again I wish you the best.

How are you doing Woodlander?

I think woo is the wrong word. Probably a bit too soon.

Sometimes to me that ^^^ feels like your admitting its all your fault however I usually make it clear its a reminder, a token to say what my other half means to me, with real depth of feeling, not an apology. Just a statment of how much she means. Fine line but still shows what you mean.

Dude, and keep riding, its great for your mental health.

EDIT: and if you're anywhere near west london and ride at swinley, let me know !

Hi guys

Thanks for your latest words of support, they've really been making a difference.

The GF and I have generally been really pleasant with each other over the last 24hrs although she's made a couple of remarks just now that have cut through me and left me feeling proper low.

I think I'm looking to hold on and give her time/space (without any confrontation on my part) to get to the bottom of her well, then see where I'm at when she starts to come back up.

Have had a good reflection on things too. One realisation is that I've let quite a few friends drop off the radar as a result of pushing so bl00dy hard with work and everyday stuff. Idiot. And I reckon I've let that happen because I was striving to get us in position to build a proper home and just as we're there she turns round and wants out. Haven't the energy to analyse any more than that. Suffice to say I'm in a sh1t place.

Will reply to a few other posts individually later. Need to pop out now.

Thanks for listening 🙂

Hey Woodlander,
Glad the situation has improved, even if only slightly. As others have said its a tough situation that you are both in - your GF's health problems and you trying to get out of renting and buy a place by working hard.
If you were not putting in the time and effort at work you could be criticized (by yourself and others) for not doing enough to get on the property ladder! damned if you do, damned if you don't..
Giving your GF space to work out what she wants is a good plan IMO, but make sure she knows this is what you are doing, otherwise it could be seen by GF as you not fighting for your relationship/cooling off.

Maybe scale things back a bit work-wise (if possible), focus on your family, book a holiday and keep working things out.

Don't beat yourself up over this and I hope it all works out for you all.

Whats wrong with renting?

Well, at least we're being very amicable with one another without any snapping, controlling etc. We need to keep this going if only to maintain a stable environment for our son. Plus she's openly reading "Mars and Venus in Love" so maybe that's a positive sign. And last night she did say "[u][b]If[/b][/u] we go our separate ways .."

Unfortunately I've been evicted to the spare room, but if it's space she needs then that's what she'll get.

I think an early test will be what happens this weekend, i.e. will we go and do family stuff as usual or will she "demand" that we each do our own thing.

Then there's Valentines Day ... good timing or bad timing ... who knows ...

Looking back I'm really pi55ed off with how I let my career focus take me away from various friends. The thing is I never had the time to fit everything in, so something had to give. I've always been a matey person but right now I feel like I've become detached. Hmm.

I'm a skeptic when it comes to ME. I know it is recognised as a condition etc, so I am just stating this to make things clear. ME sufferers that I have known, along with anorexics and those suffering from depression are very, very needy people.

I know two people diagnosed with ME, neither of whom are anything like your description. Maybe it's best not to make too many generalisations?

I say this from personal experience - please don't start blaming yourself for the situation. Reflect on things sure (we could all do things better with hindsight couldn't we?), but please don't go down that route as it's a sure-fire way to end up in a very bad place yourself...

Looking back I'm really pi55ed off with how I let my career focus take me away from various friends. The thing is I never had the time to fit everything in, so something had to give. I've always been a matey person but right now I feel like I've become detached. Hmm.

Good friends will understand and let your friendship endure...

@Edukator: that's a good question, I'll use that one when needed.

@Mooly: definitely some similarities there but good to hear you made it to a better place, even after what sounds like a struggle. I agree some things are just meant for sure.

@mrmoofo: sorry you suffered with your dad's experience. Years ago I also thought some ME sufferers were just using it as a label to disguise whatever sh1t they weren't interesting in handling. But meeting the GF and other sufferers has given me insight into how things like thyroid issues can create truly horrendous conditions resembling ME/CFS and more. Having seen the evidence and spoken with consultants that back this up, I'd say there are sadly enough sufferers out there as a result (along with some who just abuse the name).

@jimmy01: what I mean to say is I want to create a better work-life balance instead of solely switch focus from work to relationship. I guess I've tried to build a pratical foundation (financially etc) upon which to build instead of a strong family that everything elses revolves around. You probably know what I mean.

People who suffer from CFS or any illness will of course come across as needy (to some people) by the very fact they cannot carry on with their lives like normal people.
Some of the comments above asound me.
Anyway .... Good luck OP. I don't think you could have done anymore in the circumstances, as with a lot of things only time will tell.

Feel very sorry for your situation, from what you say it's not all your fault & you should take heart for trying to provide for your family,
However I think your other half has some issues no expert but BPD or some NPD traits ?.
I wish you the best she is unlikely to change & if she does will not do so whilst you are enabling her behaviour.
Ask yourself if you didn't have the little one would you put up with this relationship??
Sounds like you have invested heavily in this relationship & you are finding this very draining.
What ever happens I really wish you the best of luck.

Hi Woodlander,

my issues are dealt with and come terms with, yours, however do need a plan. Unfortunately , you are in the driving seat, it might not seem that way. You are at a fork in the road - now you need to decide which way to go.(Sounds like Stairway to Heaven :?)

I'm guessing that a kid brought up in conflictorial relationship is worse than if to two grown-ups split up and go there own ways, as long as the child still has a father/ mother figure.
I can't help you with that choice - pick the best one for your, and your son's longterm well being.
Good luck whereever it takes you.

I know two people diagnosed with ME, neither of whom are anything like your description. Maybe it's best not to make too many generalisations?

It's the internet - it runs on generalisations.
I know two people who have ME - and they were both very needy
I know three people well who have had depression - including my father and another family member
And I went out with an anorexic for 3 months - boy, that was emotional

So , in the generalisations top trumps, who wins , your two or my 6?

Of course it is a generalisation - all of our life's experinces are about that. It's sort of diificult to get the consumer understanding panel rolled out to quickly screen 190 people for a significant sample, is it?

I've come across numerous situations like this among friends, OP I feel very sorry for you and hope you can find a way to work things out.

Not to generalize too much, but from what I have observed, the relationship initially seems fine; children come along and boom a couple of years down the line it's in tatters. The overwhelmingly common factor in these situations seems to be that the female partner decides to bail and the male partner is left asking questions.

A good friend of mine is going through something very similar; I hope by sharing his story I can at least offer some form of support and to reassure you that this isn't uncommon, and it isn't all your fault.

He's a good provider, an excellent father and a supportive and attentive husband. She has now told him that she "misses the spark" they used to have and now "wants space" to "find herself again", which has culminated in her moving out; they are currently trying to work out a shared custody plan of their three year-old. He is shattered. Never saw it coming. Was doing his very best to provide for his family and this has knocked him for six. She accuses him of being "too serious" (he is a serious person, is successful by dint of hard work and taking things seriously, and uses this success to provide for his family) and that he's "boring and predictable" (maybe, but do you really want to be married to someone who is unreliable?)

I don't know why, but maybe she has an unrealistic view of what life is like after children come along. Life isn't champagne and chocolates every day; it isn't like it is in trashy chick lit and certainly isn't anything like the innumerable romcoms that poison the screens.

In the initial throws of a relationship there is of course a spark, things are always fun and the other person can do no wrong - however a few years down the line when you are familiar with each other and the bins need to go out, the dog needs walking, the bills need paying, the dishes need doing and the life insurance policy needs to be sorted out - general mundane everyday things that life throws in your way - the spark can turn into something else. Sadly I think too many people can't handle this and choose to throw away their relationship rather than work at it 🙁

I am having similar issues with my wife at the moment, partly because I am a workaholic.

I would just advise that your GF should be careful as it has been a long and dreary winter, and bad weather for a long time, which doesn't help with feeling good about things.

Suggest that maybe she should tread water for a few months before making such a decision.

That is how we are approaching things, and combined with my apparent acceptance of the situation my wife is now re-assessing things.

I have even been feeling down recently, which is most unusual for me - although I am digging my way out with lots of running 🙂

But my wife doesn't do self-help things like that, and as others have mentioned, is content to fall to the bottom of the well. So I am waiting for the Sun to arrive and bring some healthy does of vitamin D to arrive!

mrmoofo - I really hope that you are an internet warrior and a nicer person in real life.

Your comments are really quite nasty and offensive to some of us on here who have ongoing health issues.

Do you honestly believe that the NHS does everything in their power for patients? If you do then you're living in another world. I don't consider myself needy but have had health issues for over 3.1/2 years. The NHS had done nothing to help me due to their ignorance of certain conditions.

Your assumption that people choose to be ill and be needy is preposterous. You really wouldn't want my life cos it's an existence, that's all.

OP - apologies for diverting your thread.

kinda proving his point ^^

I really hate to say this, and I sincerely hope I'm wrong, but has she met someone else?

Best wishes for a reasonable resolution.

mrmoofo - I really hope that you are an internet warrior and a nicer person in real life.

Your comments are really quite nasty and offensive to some of us on here who have ongoing health issues.

Do you honestly believe that the NHS does everything in their power for patients? If you do then you're living in another world. I don't consider myself needy but have had health issues for over 3.1/2 years. The NHS had done nothing to help me due to their ignorance of certain conditions.

Your assumption that people choose to be ill and be needy is preposterous. You really wouldn't want my life cos it's an existence, that's all.

Ok - editing that went very wrong
So CG - no I don't think that the NHS is a great service offering everything. But they do have to use professional judgement to assess a patient. They cannot treat peoople endlessly and with what ever the patient has read on the internet - because they are spending the taxpayers money. It has to have proof of working - and there is a process for that.

Maybe they have turned down your requests because of this, I have no idea.

FYI - the NHS played a huge part in both of my parents deaths ...

I'm not a horrible person - and I think less of you for suggesting that. I do, through life experience and travel, have a very strong innate bullshit detector. It has been wrong on very rare occassions. I been around too long to stomach some of todays meh, meh, meh needs wher everyone seems to think they are a celebrity.
It's life, it's tough but get on and live it because it will have passed you by before to notice. That's the coda I try and live by.

You are castigating me for my comments, and as pointed out by the poster below your reply, it does somewhat prove my point. My points were not aimed at you, howevr you have taken it as that - as with everything on the internet they are generalisations, based in experience
However, whatever you have, i wish you well and hope you get through and begin to enjoy life.

More importantly I hope the OP gets things sorted so that he, and his child have happy lives

A very warm and cuddly Mr Moofo

Unfortunately there are too many families in that boat RJ. I sympathise with your friend because maybe it's too eaay a path to take (if you're looking to be the main provider et al).

On the other hand, i/we have friends where one (normally the man) pursues the career path yet they remain totally solid as a couple (and family). I have no idea what the secret is. Likewise one of my mates is married with 3 kids (2, 4 and 10 yrs) - and they probably have the most varied life of anyone I know. He alone plays in a couple of bands and gigs around London, does martial arts, goes to concerts/festival weekenders, manages;/coaches his eldest's school footy team, sits on the school Board, goes abroad with work, learns foreign languages, constantly improves his skills + works a 45hr week. She does her stuff and yet they all go abroad for about 4-6 weeks/yr too! And they're always getting on. And they've no family within 200 miles to support them!

I guess it just comes natural to some, more so if you're in the absolute "right" relationship. The rest of us sometimes have to work bl00dy hard at it.

@TG: sorry you're experiencing similar sh1t. Giving space is sometimes the safest option + every winter turns to spring! The latter is more than just a reference to the seasons. I hope your wife does indeed pull herself up and make sense of what'a happening. IMO it's interesting to see how people manage things differently, i.e. those who are into whatever form of self-help vs those who aren't. I've done loads of the former over the years (coaching, NLP, Buddhism etc) and I reckon most people would see things more positively if they practiced at least the basics. Good luck.

I'm still intrigued by what her plan B is OP. She is sitting in an exptremely comfortable place at present and would love to know what she thinks her life is going to be like without you. The only clue so far is that she's close to her mum. Does she plan to move back in with mum?

mrmoofo has more or less nailed it in some respects - OP has taken a lot on and by the sounds of things not really put a foot out of line.

you shouldn't give yourself a hard time for being work focussed. If you have a partner who has health issues, a young child and you're keeping the house ticking over as well, then work is often a release from that and something you can control and drive positively, all the time the results of this benefitting the people you love most.

It's a bit of a hunter gatherer type approach and if you're anything like me, it's one of the ways, if not the main way in which you show your love for your family - by providing for them. I'm crap at showing my emotions and generally feel uncomfortable talking about [s]touchy feely bullshit[/s] how I really feel. However I adore my family and want them to want for nothing.

Relate will be a good route for getting this across to you both as your partner will no doubt feel that she has sacrificed things for your career.

Good luck - you sound like a good bloke.

OP....sounds fixable. Good luck with it.
Many relationships have rough periods and raw emotions. You need strength of character and faith in the real nature of each other to get through the wobbles.

@Edukator: her parents are the other side of the country + her job/friends and everything else are all here. Like you say, I can't imagine how she'd cope with everything, especially looking after the little chap, if she was to go it alone.

@fizzicist: yep, hunter gatherer syndrome as much as anything I guess. I'm also carp at show my emotions at times. But I have allowed myself to get stressed (and secretly resentful) at times + become overly sensitive/angry at certain things.

@CHB: you're right, it is. We both need to believe that though.

FTR, we've both been getting on well over the last few days. She has said she's booked in for a one-to-one session with a clairvoyant/spiritualist later this week though! Can't see myself ever doing that TBH.