[Closed] So tell me I'm a Sh*t parent

Stick at it. We have the internet go off at a reasonable time midweek, with s little longer at weekends.

Been through it with my son, but he has now learnt but both parents are together, so we at least have each others back.  We've had the temper issues and even recently had to sit on my 18 year old till he calmed down (internet restriction and way too high blood sugars (he is type 1).

Controlling gaming seems to be the biggest carrot.

It wont be easy, he will play on it, but stick to your guns.  Your ex. Sounds like a mare, and making false acusations like that is seriously low.

You are doing a good job.

I turn into a miserable angry **** when I have too much game time, sugar and too little sleep. Oddly if I spend the same amount of time reading it doesn’t impact me...

online gaming and smartphones were sent by the devil to make lives harder...

You are not a Sh*t parent.

<span style="font-size: 0.8rem;">Raising kids is tough.</span>

<span style="font-size: 0.8rem;">My thoughts:</span>

<span style="font-size: 0.8rem;">Set definite targets - not just a non-defined "good behaviour": no swearing, no aggression. Breaking this results in a warning and then the phone being taken off him for the night / a day.  </span>You need to be able to repeat these targets daily so a long ban is self-defeating.

Set rewards too for good or expected behaviour (money or otherwise). Phone downstairs at 9pm, finishing homework.

Might be worth contacting the school, particularly if his behaviour is impacting his behaviour there. <span style="font-size: 0.8rem;">There might be support they can offer too.</span>

Maybe go with earning access? Reward good behaviour with x minutes per day on each device.

It's difficult for anyone to 'behave' for an unspecified period of time with no real idea of what that means and then what do you do - just revert to previous unlimited use?

Go for a structure that is clear and agreed by both of you - you'll just end up fighting over access for ever otherwise.

He will grow up and out of this but it doesn't help now.

The fact that you a. Care and b. Are trying makes youba lot better than a lot of parents. Sorry but I have no practical advice other than sit him down, explain it and then try to stick to it.

I went through very similar with my ex’s eldest son, his violent anger issues were down to his abusive father though (not suggesting you are!!). I couldn’t cope with him/it as I couldn’t understand and had no clue how to deal with him.

As hard as it may be to get him to admit he needs help have you tried some sort of talking therapy for him? He may have unresolved anger issues from the split, and like you’ve said, it wasn’t an easy split with his Mum making it as difficult as she could.

Best of luck to you all, I know how stressful and awful it is for you

You're not a sh*t parent. We've had similar, though not as bad.

I don't have any wise advice I'm afraid.

Someone once said to me that when they turn into teenagers, life becomes a roller-coaster, and you just have to hold on as hard as you can.

It gets better when they're older and/or leave home.

IANAP - so it's probably easy to me to suggest.

But if my child was behaving in such a way, he'd be having a few life lessons & to be honest, i'd half be expecting it, if I was a little sh*t behaving like that.

Firstly, his room would be stripped of everything. As and when he proves he's adult enough to behave himself, things get re-introduced in a controlled manner. If he wants to do anything, he can read a book. Reward good behaviour & show him that bad behaviour has consequences.

And probably the hardest bit, if he assaults you, or threatens you with a knife again, call the police & press charges. He needs to learn actions have consequences. If he's prepared to do that to his own parent, you have no idea how he would react so someone else.

I think what I’m seeing is different rules for each parent.  It’d be nice if the two of you could manage the same rules for him but I’m guessing that either not going to be easy or won’t happen.

My interpretation either correctly or incorrectly is he sees you at the bad one because you are denying him the things that his mum lets heim do.

How about replacing them with some alternatives so the phone and PS are no longer the focal point?  For example next time you have him, arrange to go Go Karting together or similar, something a teenage boys would love to do that might also result in some better bonding time for both of you.

When you’ve been out and thrashed each other around a track, give him a hug and let him zone out on the PS for a bit.

P.S.- not a bad parent.  Its a vary hard job with very little in the way of “instructions”, you’ve done well to come on here and be brave enough to ask for some help IMO, well done.

I expect this isn't unusual and you're doing a good job.

Nothing to add, except I think if you're going to take the playstation (or whatever) away it would be good to offer some kind of displacement activity. I've recently given up overeating and that's only worked out because I've added extra rides in to take up the time I used to spend on the sofa eating crap. What the substitute would be for a 13yo lad I don't know. (Laser quest or somesuch?)

My lad, 16, probably spends too much time staring at screens... it's just what they do these days.

He's on mock exams at the moment, so as long as he's doing revision and that's where his focus is, it's all ok.

With me 3 days a week, would love it to be 50/50, but really don't know how I'd deal with what you're going through - just hope, like all the shit they give us from birth, it's a phase... and he'll move on to the next one...

You’re doing a grand job.

Teenagers are mostly dicks.

I hope they’ll grow out of it.... because, according to social services, Tasering your own kids is, apparently, “not cool”.

The fact that you a. Care and b. Are trying makes you a lot better than a lot of parents.

This

And probably the hardest bit, if he assaults you, or threatens you with a knife again, call the police & press charges. He needs to learn actions have consequences. If he’s prepared to do that to his own parent, you have no idea how he would react so someone else.

Not this.

I am a parent but also have a bit of first hand knowledge of this not from my own, but from my BiL who is quite a bit younger than my wife (his sister) so he was a 15/16yo when we started going out.

And kids behave differently to their parents compared to others, because they're their parents. He was an absolute shit to his parents (thieving, threats, etc.) but to the outside world, like a different kid. There was an excellent documentary on this.

You just have to love them unconstitutionally. They just have to tolerate you.

If its any consolation they are genetically pre disposed to this type of behaviour and will return to normal later.

Just try not to shout even though its the hardest thing in the world to fo.

"Someone once said to me that when they turn into teenagers, life becomes a roller-coaster, and you just have to hold on as hard as you can.

It gets better when they’re older and/or leave home."

Yeh this. I used to scoff at that advice as I thought I was a seasoned and half decent parent and my kids were/are pretty good and well adjusted. But **** me I was naive, that dramatically changed around 18.

In my opinion and experience, I think we (society) have created the perfect storm of creating highly dependent kids which is in direct conflict to the fact they are biologically wired to reject you. Dependent because we make it so hard for them to achieve independence; high rent/house prices, extended education, modern luxury and comfort (phones, etc.). There are massive conflicting demands on youngsters - see also social media. It's a shit storm and you just have to ride it out.

You just have to love them unconstitutionally.

well I laughed.

I will probably get roasted on here for saying this but

Next time he threatens you physically, punch him hard and square on the nose. He is physically as big as you now and is therefore testing his dominance over you. Show him you are still the alpha in the house and you will get his respect back.

ps. don't do this, I don't really mean it. Back when I was a teenager I never disrespected my parents as I knew this would be the consequence. Lots of people say it, and its kinda true, kids nowadays know that you cant do this and they can do/say whatever they like and nothing will happen in return.

I think what I’m seeing is different rules for each parent

This is the part that leaps out for me. It makes things so much harder.

The fact that you a. Care and b. Are trying makes you a lot better than a lot of parents.

Quoting this again because it is true.

Damn autofill!!!

A modern games console can be managed from your phone, just set screen limits ahead of time and you'll avoid the shitshow of having to crowbar him off it.

He still won't be happy like, but managing expectations works wonders.

I don't have kids (thankfully) so likely talking bollocks, but if he's holding you against a wall threatening you with a knife and with all the other stuff, there may be more going on either mentally or in his life to cause him to act this way. Just a teen acting up being a little shit shouldn't cause them to threaten a parent with a knife.

https://www.nhs.uk/news/pregnancy-and-child/new-guidelines-on-child-antisocial-behaviour/

Lots of good advice above and one  to completely ignore.

Don't phone the police on him, don't attempt to press charges. Unless you're giving up.

More positively, try to plan the discipline so that it's relevant, immediate and finite. Same with rewards . And Don't let him "earn things back" or it loses any deterrent value. If there's going to be a "punishment " period then you have to see it through. That's why it can't be open ended. That'll create some boundaries and structure that he can understand.

And if you can, try to start each day as as clean slate. Won't be easy but I think this is particularly relevant with the shared arrangements. Give him a chance to be good and eventually you'll have a good day together then build on that.

And try to understand that his phone/online life might be far more important to him than anyone in older generations can understand. So you can't completely remove it, and may need to discipline with another tactic. But restrictions , outside of discipline, could be beneficial

n my opinion and experience, I think we (society) have created the perfect storm of creating highly dependent kids which is in direct conflict to the fact they are biologically wired to reject you. Dependent because we make it so hard for them to achieve independence; high rent/house prices, extended education, modern luxury and comfort (phones, etc.). There are massive conflicting demands on youngsters – see also social media. It’s a shit storm and you just have to ride it out.

Kids are even more dependent on their families in Asia where there is no social welfare net to fall back on. This kind of shit is very rare out there.

There is a certain type of kid that hasn't registered that in the real world, getting a knife out will get you shot in the face by coopers. Treatment invariably involves throwing as many shrinks at them as possible, where they get patted on the head and told that their coddled lives were actually really ****ed up and they don't change - then they end up in prisonor at best an EBD school  wondering what the **** happened.

Sorry, if someone pulls a knife on you - it's time to involve the police and the best psychologist that you can find.

Playstation (gaming), Screen time, Phone, Internet, Going to bed, turning up for meals, homework, getting up in the morning, going to school, household chores.

Take away the technology all the other issues have been there since teenagers were invented. But what exactly is the issue with his gaming and phone use ? Your wife says he self regulates so why not give that a try. At least you'll be on the same page.

same age as my son and he is a wee shit too.  Doesn't phone to let me know what he is doing, is constantly cheeky with smart arse replies.  Down side to your situation is the splt between homes.  If he does that with a knife again I would contact the police.  There is only so much you can do as a parent.

Balls, I was a **** as a teenager, pulling a knife out isn't normal teenage behaviour. No parent should be told they have to put up with that.

I think we (society) have created the perfect storm of creating highly dependent kids which is in direct conflict to the fact they are biologically wired to reject you. Dependent because we make it so hard for them to achieve independence; high rent/house prices, extended education, modern luxury and comfort (phones, etc.).

Agree. We need to go back to kids leaving home to do apprenticeships in their teens. (I'm serious.) I didn't realize kids were biologically wired to reject parents. If true, it makes sense and explains a lot.

Again, leaving home early is actually a very British thing, again - there are plenty of societies around the world where children are dependent for a long time but they have less issues with disobedience towards elders.

Social problems in the UK run much deeper than "it's because they stay at home longer".

It's partly to do with the fact that western nuclear families are actually more independent from the rest of the extended family. In Asia, you have grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins around to tell you that you are a shithead and keep an eye on you.

Westerners in comparison to confucian societies have a culture of independence - it's all about me etc and that shows in the kids.

You have discovered the problem with authoritarianism.  But I think it's a bit late now.  You've set yourself up as an opponent, and he's taking you on.  Imagine if someone tried to stop you doing stuff you wanted for what appeared to be arbitrary reasons - you'd probably kick off too - I would.  Ok, you're the parent, and you think that makes him subordinate to you, but he doesn't see himself that way.

By the sound of it you've gone way way past the point of reason, but reason is the only thing that works sometimes.  He needs to be on your side, and you on his.  So you need to explain exactly why you want to limit his screen time or whatever else it is you want to do.  This is extremely difficult and requires infinite patience and persistence, but that is your job.

If he threatened you with a knife he clearly has no respect for you or your demands, which is what you need to rectify.  How do you earn respect with someone?  By doing stuff the other person considers to be good, fair and reasonable.

How do you earn respect with someone?  By doing stuff the other person considers to be good, fair and reasonable.

This is good advice, but for it to work it has to be a mutually agreed approach.

Our house can resemble that same battleground - over the same issues - so no, you are not a sh*t parent. Far from it.

My view - 'self regulation' means that my teens would be up half the night, missing out on social skills and human interaction, getting unhealthy and not fitting in with simple society expectations (like in our house we eat together around a table, with no screens at all).

'Self regulation' seems a different way of saying 'easy life' for the parents in many cases. Long term 'benefits' of 'self regulation' are not there unless you do actually have the intrinsic motivation to 'self regulate' - and my kids don't on a regular basis. I have to help them see that a balance in life is good - and that they need the motivation to see that and want that, or I won't get anywhere.

I find I am having to be good at finding the motivation to keep going, and balancing 'breaking' a relationship with the long term benefits of having healthier, happier and more socially rounded kids.

I am finding I have to say my piece and walk away - leave them to reflect and then ask about it later or wait for them to volunteer the reponse. I cannot push them into an immediate conformity as I may have done when they were younger.

Keep at it OP, keep that relationship but also keep balancing their 'need' with it.

If you find out how to do this at somepoint, let me know, I am nearly out of ideas...

Glad people have started picking up the fact he has threatened his own dad with a knife.  That has got to get alarm bells ringing in this current age where kids are taking knives to school not only for self defense but for threatening others.

If my own son did this he would be in cuffs before he could process the sirens ringing in his ears.  The fact he thinks its perfectly ok to pull a weapon on his dad is ****ed up and the fact so many of you are just glossing over it speaks volumes that its becoming far too normal.

At 13 he is still under your care and your ex, he needs to learn that he is still a child and there are rules to obey, <span style="font-size: 12.8px;">he needs to understand that actions have consequences, like with the knife above.  If he can pull one out on his dad, whats the chances he could pull one out on a random person?</span>

In regards to screen time and gaming, have you asked to join in?  I wouldn't take it away as that's just another reason in his head to take it out on you.

My parenting skills are only just beginning as my son is barely out of nappies so not encountered any of these issues yet

This is good advice, but for it to work it has to be a mutually agreed approach.

Exactly.  Respect is earned through dialogue and compromise, not fighting each other.

My kids are much younger, but we always talk about our feelings and emotions.  We've talked about how it feels when you're (psychologically) addicted to something, and how negative that can be.  We've talked about what we all do online and shared it, and talk about specifics of the positive and negative things that have happened and the impacts they've had.  I talk about my own cock-ups and life disasters and how they were caused which were (and are) frequently to do with too much screen time (hi!).  But there are other reasons why I'm online all the time.

Everything has a cause, and ultimately most of us want the same things.  We want to be stimulated and satisfied, we want to have fun.  Simply banning someone's main source of fun and satisfaction is always going to be tricky.

This week after another row he heads back to his mothers (I have a shared care arrangement with her pretty much 50/50 but it was through the courts and she didn’t like the outcome to the point of accusing me of assaulting her and sexually abusing my son and his sister which reopened the whole case and we went back to the start

You know what mate, with this in mind, I'd just let your ex get on with whatever wet "attuned" parenting style she wants and extricate yourself from the situation. You can be there to pick up the pieces when he's a young adult and teach him how to be a functioning male member of society.

She'll make that accusation again and potentially ruin your whole life.

Move on with your life, go travelling and/or find a new missus.

These online games should create "parent" characters in the game, which are basically invincible.

Then you can just logon and run around in the game telling him to get his tidy his room/do his homework and when he doesn't you can blow his head off with a Gauss Cannon or BFG 9000.

IANAP .- but. " He regulates his own screen time" = he is on his phone 18hrs a day , sexting, texting , whattsapping his little  gang of mates and the girls at school who he reckons he can get his end away with,

He is probably sleep deprivied when teens actually need  more sleep as they growth spurt ( apparently )

So if at yours  this life of  doing the square root of efff all at his mums is challenged at your house he will push back.His mum probably does everything and leaves him alone for a quiet life so he is probably out till 1030 -1100pm most nights 'studying' = down the park on his bike trying to get alcohol/ drugs, vandalising the kids play area , harrasing the dog walkers type of stuff.

I guess trying to take him out for a bike ride wont happen ? or a walk up a big fricken hill? Maybe canoeing if you have access to some moving water . Could be if you can repalce the PS3 with real life adrenaline via paintball ( shoot him in the face ) he might calm down abit, especially if he can play COD when you get home, after a maccy Ds

I am finding I have to say my piece and walk away – leave them to reflect and then ask about it later or wait for them to volunteer the reponse. I cannot push them into an immediate conformity as I may have done when they were younger.

I do this with my soon to be 10yo.  I encourage him to sit in his room for 9 minutes (his age in mins) and think about his actions, then to come and describe to me what he thinks he's done wrong.  He inevitably apologises and does just that.

Literally yesterday he threw a "nobody in this house lets me do what I want" tantrum and lost this weeks technology time (1hr a day, Thurs-Sun which includes Telly) as a result.  Cue an extension to the apology whereby I explained to him that apologising is good, but if he'd thought about his actions and not threw the tantrum beforehand he'd still have the Technology time available.  Its all an education.

I won't let him get bored though, I'll offer him the opportunity to do a jobs(s) for me or Mrs K to earn something back, e.g. Saturday morning TV but he won't get the iPad / 'puter time back.

If your ex is unable to do any actual parenting then you are only pissing against the wind. Any gain or progress you make will be wiped out instantly when he returns to her. Personally I'd take some time out and let them get on with it without you. Revisit the situation in 6 months time. When you reconnect set some basic rules, the minute he doesn't comply send him back to his mother and repeat. Appreciate you might not be able to do this due to legal arrangement, but maybe changing that agreement wouldn't be a bad thing in the long run.

+1

 this weeks technology time (1hr a day, Thurs-Sun which includes Telly)

Totally your call and I fully respect that. But how do people arive at what seems a totally arbitrary figure. How is 1 hour good 2 hours bad. And at what age do you start passing elements of control over to children and let them start making their own decisions about such things ?

My lad is 12, and not as bad as you describe has his moments. The last time we had an 'uprising' I found the silent treatment worked wonderfully. I even got an apology!

I run his football team too, you should try getting 15 of them to do what you want..............

Glad people have started picking up the fact he has threatened his own dad with a knife.

Need the OP to confirm or deny but the actual phrasing was (by my interpretation) a bit different. Sure, I'd rather confront an angry teenager who isn't holding a knife than one who is, particularly if anger can boil over but I *think* my response to the situation as I'm reading it would have been more along the 'stop being a dick, put that knife back in the drawer before you do something stupid' and then walked away to let it de-escalate.

Kids are notorious for seeing where the boundary is, and it might be my misinterpretation but holding a knife for shock value and genuinely threatening someone with it IN THIS CASE could be quite different.

The mere picking up of a knife during an argument is a threat, just because the kid didn't have the balls to stick it up to his throat and say "**** off old man or I'll cut ya" doesn't mean to say that it hadn't entered his head that what he was doing was intended to threaten.

 this weeks technology time (1hr a day, Thurs-Sun which includes Telly)

Thanks for this idea, will be use something similar when mine are older.