[Closed] So my marriage just ended, now what?

That was my next suggestion! Fancy a pint at The Black Bull?

Sounds like a plan. I have to move out over the weekend, a sunday pint may be just what I need.

Moose, YGM. & I'm off on Sunday followed by a late shift Monday. 😛

Well done esselgruntfuttock

20 months ago for me.Im sorry to say this,but you seem to still love her,that isn't something you can make her do back,no matter what you do. We chewed lumps out of each other at first,then things got civil in time,and time is what it absolutely takes.I sat on the edges of corries up in the first wee while. I look back at that now and it seems a different person. Get everything in writing BUT KEEP IT CIVIL. That will smooth the path towards seeing your kids. Nobody wins when it gets nasty,other than the lawyers.

I started going through similar things last year. My advice is similar to others here.

Talk to people, even if you make new friends ( who know what you are going through ), talk to them. I couldn't talk to close friends, but there are a couple of people who I found along the way who didn't ask dumb questions and didn't keep telling it will be okay etc.. They mean well, but I know it doesn't help much.

It will get worse before it gets better, but you can do it. Each day ends and if you can get through the ones you have, you will get through the next, take each one on at a time. You can survive and you will start to enjoy things again, but it wont come tomorrow, or the day after, give it time. Give yourself time to adjust and re-invent yourself. Learn to like yourself again. ( I look forward to when I can do this ! )

If you want to be part of the childrens lives, then make sure you are, dont take easy options or cut your nose to spite your face etc. Keep in mind what is important and what you want. Dont let the negativity of things change this or colour what you know is important.

Chin up and best foot forward! Start planning some nice stuff. A pint with a mate, a bike ride, anything that you can look forward to. Just try not to lock yourself away emotionally or physically, it doesn't help, but I do understand wanting to. Keep it small, plan for the week ahead, then you will start planning longer term and things will change and evolve for you and the children.

You will survive and the children will thank you for it!

If you cant find my mail in the account stuff, shout and I will find yours if you want to vent/chat.

Just trying to let the waters settle for now come to terms with it all. I'm 2 1/2 years from my full service up in the Army so changing my job right now isn't an option.

Found myself in a very similar position 2 years ago, with 18 months left til pension. She's serving as well (RAF) and years of living at opposite ends of the country, or even in different countries full stop, took their toll. We have a son; because it was situation rather than people that caused the end, we made him our focus, no need for any enmity as he'd be the one that'd suffer at the end of the day.

Let your UWO help, mine did, but they were very subtle and in the background, there if and when I needed them. Get in to the SLA, but don't get involved in the block parties! Keep your focus, occupy your time - I threw myself in to my phys very hard and volunteered for deployment, 9 months in Africa kept my mind distracted and occupied. Maybe an option, maybe not, depends on what you want.

6 months out of the Army now and hit the 2 year separation point - papers go in to court on Tuesday. She said she wasn't bothered about rushing to get divorced, but I wanted/needed to take back some control of the situation as I felt like a passenger. Financially, we agreed very quickly on our position, we leave each other's pots alone, I give her the legal child maintenance amount plus a couple of percent - she's in til 55 so her pension'll be worth more than mine but pennies aren't worth fighting over and we're both relying on gratuity and pension to set ourselves up when we leave - again, son is the focus, if we're taking money off each other we can't afford to get our feet on the property ladder and he'll be the one to ultimately suffer. Although I know it'll be a bit different for you with them being step-kids.

If you fancy a trip over the A66, look me up in Ambleside - can go for a ride and a pint, share experiences and war stories and hopefully get you on the right track.

My most sincere commiserations, the early days are sh1t, but it DOES and WILL get better.

There's no pleasing some people @Lifer 8) No one is really interested in this thread being about what people may or may not think of me.

Guys, I cannot thank you all sincerely enough for you words of support. I am very much still in love with my wife, which is a problem. I am more accepting of this situation today, even though I am mentally, physically and emotionally shattered.

All I can do is try and keep things civil. She's a good woman who has reached her point. I can only accept this and try to move on with my life. We both want to stay in each others lives, just not as intimate partners. I hope we can achieve this.

7 months for me. Best thing that ever happened to me. My life is a slight variation on this now

[img] [/img]

There is a part of me that wishes I felt like that Bob.

Chin up mate. You sound a decent bloke. You'll be ok. Look after you.

There is a part of me that wishes I felt like that Bob.

You'll get there mate. I was devastated at the time. Then I found out she had been having an affair with a guy I thought was my friend. After that I had a good laugh about how stupid I'd been and moved on with my life.

Either way, it'll happen for you. Best advice I can give is to be the better/bigger man. Chin up, maintain dignity, surround yourself with friends and do as much awesome stuff as possible.

I'm working on it, just trying to grieve at the moment, need to go through the process to get over this.

Well, Mrs Moose went to her parents tonight for the rest of the week. We need the space, It's just me and the kids until then. There is an air between us, we're sat in the same room, a few feet from each other and it feels like a thousand miles.

We don't speak, nothing. It's exhausting. If we cannot get past this then I will have to move out and leave her to manage everything alone. The last thing I want.

As a couple did you ever try Relate counselling? If not, is it too late? You weren't married for long, how could things have reached this point?

Yes we did. How we got to this, well I'm trying to get my head around that right now. I can't see it.

Sorry, just trying to be helpful but did your wife explain how she was feeling? Perhaps if you can understand this it will provide answers? Are you certain that she's being 100% rational?

I know what the issues are, I understand her position. I just cannot do anything about it now. Those things have passed. I would literally do anything to fix this, but she just will not speak to me. I'm hoping after having a chat with her parents she'll see what I'm trying to do and will unfreeze slightly.

I love her to the end of the universe and back, I want nothing more than us to be together. If that can never happen then I want us to be able to have a relationship that is positive for both ours and the kids sake.

And no, I don't think she's being 100% rational. She does this when stuff gets too much.

6 years since my decree nisi and I now realise how unhappy I was. Been in a great relationship with a terrific girl for 8 years next May. Things will work out, it won't seem like it now but it will, trust me

Edit: you do know what the issues are so I've scrubbed my post, all the best Moose.

Tough times indeed OP. Fight or flight type response from the Mrs perhaps. If you have a decent relationship with your in-laws you might speak to them, i can't see what there is to lose. there is no guaranty they will get the truth about what you are trying to do from your wife.

As difficult as it is speak to the kids, make yourself. Good luck and keep sharing.

moose - would she entertain the idea of having counselling herself?

@cinnamon_girl: She is CG, that's where I think this stems from. It's unleashed a torrent of emotion and she cannot make sense of it all. I am definitely baring the brunt of issues from before us.

I am accepting this is the way things are, because trying to fight for us makes her angrier.

@Educator: Thank you for your kind words.

Moose - I feel for you. Ultimately, if she can't reciprocate your feelings, then it's not going to work. I don't think for a minute that it will be easy, but stay strong, stay reasonable, and 'be there' for the kids.

You sound a decent bloke. Good luck.

As a couple did you ever try Relate counselling?

Yes we did. How we got to this

Same here. Not saying it's good or bad, but the last thing counselling did was save the marriage. Wouldn't recommend it if that's what people are expecting it to do.

Those with kids etc in these positions - how do you see past the 'upset' it would cause to the children?
As in, sometimes, if kids weren't involved, the decision would be much easier, right?
(Not a mean or loaded question, just a 'trying to gain an understanding' question..)

DrP

Certainly in my case, the decision was based on avoiding more upset further down the line if we'd tried to force it to work but ended up being a lot less friendly than we are now. There's never an easy answer though, it's about minimising the damage, trying to do what's best and keeping the focus on the welfare of the child. 🙁

if she can't reciprocate your feelings, then it's not going to work.

how do you see past the 'upset' it would cause to the children?

I hear you all loud and clear. Life must move on, I have some sleeping pills to assist with the zero sleep I've had for the last few days, booked back in with a counsellor to help me through this.

its good to check in

I'm more at ease with this. Admitted a few things to myself and out loud. I'm getting in a better place to move on with my life but be there to support as required.

🙂

Moose, ditch the sleeping pills if you can - they can become a crutch and just mask the issue, I'm seeing it now with a friend in a similar position. I considered them myself at the time but decided not to and just beasted through the sleeplessness - you'll soon get to a point where your body just goes "ok, enough's enough, I need to sleep". The hardest for me was lack of appetite - I didn't eat anything at all, literally nothing, for about 10 days. Good way to shed a bit of weight though...! 😆

Maybe, but I have three children I have to get ready for school and sort out after everyday this week. Pushing to the point of exhaustion isn't going to cut it.

it gets better and it really is a shit time at the start.
Good to admit some faults and accept some but dont beat yourself up either

I thought much of the break up was my fault but after moving on I discovered that I only ever acted like that with her as she really did annoy the shit out of me.
That was just me with her rather than me in general

I'm not settled into the single soldiers accommodation. The kids have been told tonight, there were tears, I just hope she and I can remain amicable for their sake. But she was very cold tonight after a week away, I've backed off and am letting her call the shots with support.

I'm quite content with where my head is at. Things are moving forward.

If you think you can afford it, consider renting somewhere and living out if you can't settle in the singlies' block - I found it hard at first, very tempting to get drawn in to trying to party like the youngsters again.

The coldness, that's the way it works, had exactly the same, it's a way of compartmentalising and dealing with it, hopefully it will change (did for me once the major things were dealt with and I'd moved all my stuff out, finally) - space and time...

Good to hear the last words - very important...

Offer of a day out in the Lakes still open.

Thanks, Dave. Will likely take you up on that offer soon. Things are still cold but I'm getting there, off to London for the weekend with my sister.

Well, interesting times. Seems she's fallen for a bloke at work. A guy I was a bit suspicious about, been going on pretty much since we split. 👿

since we split

hmmmmm.

What you got planned for your London trip? Chilled?

Exactly what I thought, I found out from him the ground work was played before the split though. I know it's wrong but he's shitting himself about what I might do.

He's married, his wife is having an affair apparently. Well she won't like this nugget when it comes out.

I'm going to see my sister, stay with her and enjoy the sights. And figure out a clear path away from this mess.
I'm incredibly disappointed in her if I'm honest. I thought she was a better person, clearly I was wrong.

I have no doubt this will explode in their faces, I care little, I'll be there for my step-kids, but she can go smoke a shotgun for all I care.

Well, interesting times. Seems she's fallen for a bloke at work. A guy I was a bit suspicious about, been going on pretty much since we split.

Oh, bollocks. Sorry to read that mate. That's proper sh1t.

one day you will feel pity for the guy now dabbling with your ex.

I know it's wrong but he's shitting himself about what I might do.

Enjoying life, reclaiming your old hobbies, spending better more focused time with your children and a much better sex life while never looking back. Why would he be worried about that?

Well, interesting times. Seems she's fallen for a bloke at work. A guy I was a bit suspicious about, been going on pretty much since we split.

*cough* 😉

http://singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/so-my-marriage-just-ended-now-what/page/3#post-7306471

[img] [/img]

Seems she's fallen for a bloke at work. A guy I was a bit suspicious about, He's married, his wife is having an affair apparently. Well she won't like this nugget when it comes out.

Wow, what a nest of vipers! In my (admittedly limited) experience people who quite happily cheat on their spouse with someone else's aren't exactly the best bet for a trusting, stable 'til death do us part' matrimony. They tend to be serial offenders, you're better shot of her.

I'm sure this hurts like hell right now but at least you've kept your self-respect intact, try to keep it civil and if she's unable to do so try not to sink to her level. In time you may come to see this as more of a lucky escape.

If you find yourself getting angry, just try to remember that, as George Herbert once wisely said: "Living well is the best revenge" nothing will wind her up more than you happily getting on with life whilst she's stuck with some bed-hopping tosser who she can barely let out of her sight.

Good luck

Mate feel for you I really do, ex long term GF of mine fell for another bloke on holiday - it hadn't been going well between us, she hadn't been making much effort, but I wasn't expecting that! Pretty sh*tty 6 months ensued with us (well mostly me) trying to patch things up, failing and then moving apart. At times I was distraught but don't forget it will get better, takes a while though and there will be many ups and downs along the way.

Chin up dude, it will be hard, it may not feel like it right now but you're better off without her. Think of it as a challenge, a challenge to get over her and become a better person. Might be easier for you, as well (harsh as it seems) to temporarily cut contact with her kids also.

I'm now happier than I've ever been and look back and laugh about that time in my life. My ex is not with that other bloke now, it was only ever a fling but strangely when she'd seen I'd got on with my life, that I was going on dates with other girls and had put it behind me she contacted me and wanted me back. I did pop round and 'lend her a sausage', purely for old time's sake you understand, but declined anything further going forward.

I'm surprisingly calm about all of this. Maybe the turmoil is coming. Who knows.

Frankly I don't have much to add, seems like some pretty solid advice here. I only wish I had this option when my wife of 18 years left a couple of years ago. I went through the first two weeks of hell, discovering different things every day, until I didn't really know which way was up. I was, I'm not afraid to admit, broken into little pieces.

Friends are essential. For me playing the guitar helped too, just something to keep the mind occupied. I have three kids 14, 12 and 11 and we mamnged in the end to be pretty amicable about the whole thing, with a 50/50 share of the kids. (also being in france, if it's 50/50 there's no paying money every month... quite helpful for me, if not for you - sorry)

Now, i'm with someone who (remarkably) loves me as I am, I have a great relationship with my kids, or normal anyway, and I've learn't to enjoy the time to myself that I have.

Assuming that you can manage to stay civil, (you'll probably need to swallow most of what you want to say), kids seem to adapt quickly, faster than us I'd say, just beware of talking down your ex in front of them, I've seen it happen now several times and it never works out well for anyone.

One last thought. Even if it does get better/easier, don't be surprised if every now and again you find yourself seething with ****ing rage over something said or done (or not done). Take a breath and take the long term view and it'll pass. one step at a time.

Yeah, I was just getting to a bit of even ground and this shit has pushed me back down the hill. Bollocks!

I don't have anything helpful to contribute, but I admire the exemplary manner in which you have conducted yourself.

It's the only thing I can do. Be there for the kids and keep shit even. I've had problems in my past and our marriage, this is a significant event for me to start making some positive steps. This 'affair' is the closure I think I needed to move forward.

Chances are this will blow up in their faces, even though I'm getting the blame for it by her, she seems to forget that his and her friends will car little for her stories. She'll be a home wrecking slapper. Nothing can change that.

What happened to her ex who she had the kids with?
Did she do the dirty on him as well.

No, he did on her. Ironic really. Ah well, time to move on.

Moose, YGM...

Dave