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The quality of advice on mumsnet is excellent, honestly! whatever your child is doing someone elses is worse.
From what I can see stw is pretty good as well.
Just to add to the general consensus, both of my two screamed the place down when they first came home. One had colic and one didn't. I remember trying to sleep sitting up whilst holding Tom in seemingly the only position he would sleep in.
It passes and then other stuff arrives to test your sanity...but that's for another thread 🙂
[i]"She's much more chilled when held but is too little to understand that we can't do this all the time."[/i]
.. Well humans have evolved for millions of years and little'uns slept with their Mummy. - So can you blame her?
Get her into your bed.
Downside is that it could last for 7 years.. (Don't ask me how I know)..but that's not really so bad if you are cool about it.
Upside is kids get much more interaction, I'm sure the extra hour of communication every day helps development. Abandoning them alone is not natural, it's just the way most of our society here happens to view normality.
Take a tip:
Train the baby or it [b]will[/b] train you.
They [i]are[/i] that manipulative. Reassure, then put her back to bed. Keep going, don't give in!
A routine is paramount, and wind down to bedtime.
I wouldn't let a baby in the bed either, but I guess that's a personal choice. Our kids are balanced, have well rounded personalties and have no issues. They know we love them deeply but you have choices. Life can be exhausting with new born and the easy option isn't always the best.
Yeah, f*ck it, it's a week old, it is about time it learnt it can't have attention all the time.
😕
Unless yours are super geniuses of course
looking at my teenager who refuses to get out of bed, i think he is the spawn of the devil or he was swapped in the hospital when my back was turned.
Lets see how sharp he's up tomorrow 😉
I think this is where the 2 schools of parenting become obvious 🙂 A baby, imo, shouldn't be "trained" There is time enough for that when it becomes a toddler and is capable of understanding things. A week old baby is a blob with basic needs, food, warmth and comfort.
We had a hideous couple of weeks, but as other's said it passes. What we did was give each other a night off 1 or 2 days a week. My misuss would sleep all night through whist i would look after our daughter all night, then we would swap duties on another night. The rest of the time we would take turns during the night shift. That one night a week of good sleep just took the edge of things. Manitaianed this until she started sleeping though, which was quite early.
On a positive note, i found i could function quite happily on 4 hours sleep a night, which is always good to know.
Donkey's years ago when mine were babies but here's a couple of suggestions.
Is Mum breastfeeding? If yes, then she may need to be careful with her diet. Is baby gulping in air when feeding? Or feeding too quickly? This could result in colic. What position is baby in when feeding? Perhaps needs to be more upright? Try short feeds with a rest inbetween.
If not breastfeeding, could the formulated milk be causing a problem?
Presumably the midwife is visiting every day at the moment?
Don't let baby sleep in your bed/room. Both mine went into a cot, in their own room, the day they came back from hospital.
Good luck.
Plus the problem is that quite often the baby will be sleeping in the same room or the adjacent room to you so every time it makes a noise it'll wake you up.
Top tip: most conservatories are separated from the rest of the house by nicely sound proofed double glazing. Let the baby sleep in there and set your alarm to go off at 4 hour intervals allowing you to get a decent night's kip in before facing the day.
This is against current SIDS advice. Up to you what you do though obviously, but you need to be aware of associated risks. Having said that I know plenty of people who said they all slept better once baby was in their own room.Don't let baby sleep in your bed/room.
Having said that I know plenty of people who said they all slept better once baby was in their own room.
Ours stayed with us till 6 months and I counted down the days - they were out the minute I could.
I had to make one concession to MrsMastiles though - they have those heartbeat monitors under their mattresses - it keeps her happy so I am. And I sleep marginally more than I did.
Mate - I feel your pain!
Ours is 11/12 now, and unless he's ill is as good as gold - really chilled.
But... from birth to 3 months, he was pretty much crying the whole time. Possibly colic, possibly just normal baby behaviour.
Me and the wife are both in hospital (she's a gas girl), but heading to do a shift after a night of bawling is pretty tough isn't it!
It should get better (I hope)...
DrP
mastiles_fanylion - Member
Yeah, f*ck it, it's a week old, it is about time it learnt it can't have attention all the time.
That's not what I said old boy, give a baby attention when it suits you and when it is genuinely needed. That is not 30 mins after you've put them to bed. Of course you need to check the nappy / safety situation but after that a quick hug and lay them back down.
Would you rather have a less demanding baby? I know I would. Giving a baby attention 24/7 does neither of you any good.
Mine is 4 weeks old tomorrow, so going through what you are!
Good luck.
Train the baby or it will train you.They are that manipulative. Reassure, then put her back to bed. Keep going, don't give in!
I think this is where the 2 schools of parenting become obvious A baby, imo, shouldn't be "trained" There is time enough for that when it becomes a toddler and is capable of understanding things. A week old baby is a blob with basic needs, food, warmth and comfort.
Yep - there isn't any evidence that babies can be manipulative - things like that are just projections that adults put on a baby's behaviour, when all the evidence is that basically a baby cries if something is making it unhappy. Sometimes it is a mystery what it is, but that is what it is. There's also little evidence that training works - indeed there's evidence that letting the baby cry when it is young makes for a worse crying baby later on, rather than training them out of crying.
Until they can talk, all you're doing by not looking after them when they cry, is teaching them that when they are scared and unhappy, there is no one there to look after them. The more complicated causative explanations like them being manipulative, and teaching them that you love them but that they can't have your attention all the time, are only ever going to get learnt when they're a whole lot older (like beginning to understand talking a bit).
There's a great book about the research into this stuff called '[url= http://www.amazon.com/Philosophical-Baby-Childrens-Minds-Meaning/dp/0374231966 ]The Philosophical Baby[/url]'. Really interesting - not in any way a parenting manual, but a brilliant help in terms of thinking about what your baby is up to as they develop (and in avoiding attributing adult style deviousness etc. to their extremely simply motivated but often hard to fathom behaviour).
Try infacol in case wind is a factor (quite likely), it takes a day or so before it really starts to work. Suggest you start with this ASAP
Mine has just turned 1 and I know what you're going through, now go and buy some infacol 🙂
Warming their cot with a hot water bottle before you put them down helps too.
It does get better honest, congratulations and a Merry Christmas !
Congratulations and welcome to the club. [b]YOU ARE NO DIFFERENT FROM 10'S OF THOUSANDS OF OTHER PARENTS IN FEELING AT YOUR WITS END. IT WILL PASS. TRUST ME ON THIS.[/b]
My first was awful for 6 weeks. I'd come home from work, grab a sandwich and then pace up and down the lounge with her for a full 6 hours from 8pm until 2am. She had a built in altimeter too, lower her below shoulder height (and god forbid try and sit down) she'd start bawling again. At 2am I'd go to bed and the wife would get up again and we'd swap and I'd get some sleep.
I didn't deal well with it. I hated her and at times thought semi-seriously of bashing her on the floor to make it stop. I can actually see how some people are driven to it.
At some point over the first 6 weeks things settled down. I put this down to three things (not saying any specifically are your issue, just illustrating so pls stick with me):
1/ she was breast fed and wasn't getting enough. She couldn't latch on properly. When we put her on bottles (of expressed milk) as well she started to thrive. Point is: it's their only means of communication. Hungry, cold, dirty, bored....... they'll yell. He maight just be bored and lonely, so for now at least give him the attention he needs. I agree they can become manipulative, but not this early. Find out what he needs and provide it.
2/ She was just a couple of weeks old. A bit like above it's a big strange place when for the past 9 months you've been confined to quarters. I'd be pretty stressed too; comfort him if that's what he wants.
3/ The hardest bit. Don't get stressed yourself, or with your wife who's got it just as bad as you plus a huge hormone down too. Maybe babies can't actually pick up on 'vibes' but on the other hand I can't be convinced that seeing a calm, smiling comforting face even when they seem to be in paroxysms of rage isn't a hell of a load better than seeing the snarling face of someone who they think they recognise threatening to murder them. Calm parents make for calm children; fact.
I've taken a pause while writing this to go and tell Polly (now nearly 7) that i love her. Which she accepted of course but thought was odd that I'd taken the effort to go upstairs right now - but then I could hardly say it's because I still feel sorry for hating her as much as I did back then.
Our first child was a real greeter and she can still now turn on the waterworks now at the age of 11.
You do have my sympathies as it can be very frustrating as you want to settle them but you also feel quite helpless once you have tried everything.
I don't want to upset you on Christmas Eve but you may just have to accept that you have a greety baby. I had to.
Happy Christmas anyway. For all their greeting they are definitely worth it 🙂
One last thing... Enjoy your family and Merry Christmas! 🙂
"Screaming Brat"
Careful you'll have the girlymen after you with that title 😆
My first is 4 weeks old and she's ended up in bed with us - I was dead against it at first but I'm cool with it now.
I'm not going to be all evangelical about it tho, all babies are individuals just like their parents so it's different for everyone
careful with co-sleeping on mumsnet, it'll probably be a topic like what tyres on here..
Midwife suggesting that it might be due to hunger (wife's milk coming in slowly), and that we should give her a single bottle about midnight & see how we go. We shall see.
Thanks all.
Andy
How are you getting on? Has it helped at all?
Andy,
We had the same problem with our daughter - Mrs.T really wanted to feed the child herself but struggled (not helped by mid wife's showing what appeared to be the Balinese Goddess of Plenty feeding all round her!)
Its a stressful time but you guys should do what's right for you and forget about all the 'helpful' advice.
You will probably find if the little blighter was active in the womb at night their little sleep clock is all messed and it will simply take a few weeks to adjust. The one you really need to worry about is your wife, they do really well up to the first six weeks or so and then as so often happens BAM! post natal can kick in - my senses were so dulled by that stage I hadn't realised it had kicked in!
Cheers
TS
We've got a 8 week old "velcro baby", we've given in, mothered him, nurtured him and he's becoming more and more independent by the week, at his own pace. I can understand older babies who are capable of understanding the feedback loop but it's a newborn ffs, not a dog!
It will get easier - despite giving ours "too much" attention, he slept for 8 hours with a single feed in the middle last night. He probably won't do it again tonight, he might do it again in a week but he's getting there and we'll continue to nurture, not train him.
OP: try getting her to fall asleep on one of you, I mean proper out for the count. Then swaddle, pick her back up, make sure she's out for the count still and only then try putting her down. Keep your palm on her chest for a minute or two to maintain that contact, and then slowly come away. And just keep at it.
Also, try infacol as already mentioned, helped our windy little monster.
ours is 7 weeks and cries a lot, using a dummy has really helped though, use it after feeds to help her settle. Mrs Anagallis feels guilty about using it but I dont read the books so worry less.
How are you getting on? Has it helped at all?
To an extent. It appears she may not have been suckling properly (despite being latched on for up to 90min) - much more settled with 'supplemental' feeding. Slightly more sleep last night; wife very fed up as she feels like she's 'failed' at breastfeeding, though the community midwives are saying that they can't see what else we can try and that it might be time to consider moving to bottle feeding, either with expressed milk or formula.
We are still knackered, but now there is a plan and a potential end in sight...
Andy
Ours was ok bar feeding every 3 hours. We found when he cluster fed, ie every hour for a wee bit then his colic was worse, so you will probably find that the supplementary feeding can help.
My wife found expressing and giving morning milk last thing gave us a longer sleep (4/5 hours!)
At 4 1/2 mths he is now on mixed feeding as he was getting very hungry and his Xmas present to us was to sleep for 8 hours from midnight for the 1st time.
My wife read Gina Ford and the Baby Whisperer. Once they get to 4-6 weeks you can try to get a routine but don't worry if they change for no reason all of a sudden.
One thing that really helped when he was small and colicing was this swaddle bag
[url= http://www.amazon.co.uk/Liberty-Slings-Swaddle-Pod/dp/B0017UXRVQ/ref=sr_1_4?s=baby&ie=UTF8&qid=1293399439&sr=1-4 ]Liberty sling swaddle bag[/url]
Ten day old baby here, screams the place down every night since coming home. Seems to be most comfortable sleeping on me so I've had to learn to sleep sitting up in bed.
During the day she's a wee darling, from 23:00 onwards a right screamer.
We tried infacol, it seems to work but it also seems to send her into screaming fits during the day so not yet convinced about it.
Hang in there, apparently it gets better....
Just a quick update. Spent the last two hours walking the lounge with screaming brat of our own. Infacol to the rescue at 02:40. Peace and quiet for the last ten mins feels like an hour...
To an extent. It appears she may not have been suckling properly (despite being latched on for up to 90min) - much more settled with 'supplemental' feeding. Slightly more sleep last night; wife very fed up as she feels like she's 'failed' at breastfeeding, though the community midwives are saying that they can't see what else we can try and that it might be time to consider moving to bottle feeding, either with expressed milk or formula.
On the breastfeeding thing, my wife found a local nct breastfeeding counsellor very helpful. I think they have a lot more training and knowledge than midwives or health visitors as they specialise completely in breastfeeding. Midwives here ranged from completely useless to actively unhelpful, health visitor was a complete waste of time. A couple of visits to the nct lady, and was much better. There is an nct helpline which I guess can put you in touch with them.
Whilst it appears to be bloody hard for a lot of people to begin with, worth trying hard at it, as (even ignoring the massive health benefits) breastfeeding is incredibly convenient once it is established, no messing around with sterilisation etc. you can just go places with your baby and know you'll always have food.
Joe (posting at ridiculous o clock as our 7 month old just woke up after a massive 5.5 hour block of sleep)
Put mums used clothes in the cot next to the babies head. It'll reassure the baby that mum is still there. Sorted.
Going to start an argument here.
wife very fed up as she feels like she's 'failed' at breastfeeding,
Bollocks to that. My wife tried incredibly hard with our first and it simply didn't work. Polly would suckle for hours on end and still (as we found out eventually) end up hungry. We tried midwife support, NCT, Laleche, books, videos, etc. and all it did was add to the stress. In the end my mum, herself a retired NCT counsellor lost her rag and ordered us to 'give that baby a bottle', and within a couple of days it was back on track. We started with expressed and then where Polly was so hungry soon ended on formula supplements, and eventually onto formula completely. There's no great faff with bottles, you can wash them in a moment, sterilise in the microwave, fill with cooled boiled water and then store them in the fridge. It was a ten minute routine.
What made me really angry was the comment from the midwife after we'd given her a bottle. She'd been so pro-breast, had given us tonnes of support, etc. that we were worried what she'd say because of the 'breast is best' argument. Couldn't have been more wrong; she was so supportive after and admitted she'd thought that might be what was needed. However: her breast to bottle ratio was too low (too many of her mothers on bottles) that her bosses at the PCT had given her notice to improve to meet PCT targets, and thus was using us as a means to improve her stats even though she deep down felt doing so was wrong. I wasn't angry at her actually, just at the target driven NHS that felt that her doing the best she could with the material she'd been given was less important than some semi-arbitrary number.
I did a lot of reading at the time and I'm not convinced by the breast is best argument - or at least not to the extent that seems to be portrayed. Formula milk is incredibly well researched and designed and while there are of course benefits to natural breast milk I'm not sold that there is a gulf in difference. You need to do what is right for you and the child, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. In our case, it turned a four week nightmare of screaming (hungry) baby, constantly crying mother with constantly bleeding nipples, and a stressed out father into an extremely pleasurable experience within a few days.
For balance; my second went onto the breast a dream and stayed on until her teeth came out at ca 6mo and she bit once too often 😯 We were much easier going second time round and I'm convinced the fact that we weren't stressed out over thinking it must be breast helped with that. Calm parents make calm children.
So back to Andy; by all means support Mum to persevere if that is what you want to do, but neither of you is failing if you choose to switch. Good luck.
[edit] sorry that's long but it still makes me angry now, nearly 7 years on.
I'm with theotherjonv here, do not consider switching to the bottle a failure.
My wife tried to breast feed with all 3 of ours and did so for about a week to 10 days with each and for various reasons had to stop (one time she had what the midwife described as "the worst rip-roaring case of mastitis I have ever seen").
All three of our children are healthy and vivacious, almost to an extreme at times, but I aware there is obviously more to that than what they were fed on when little.
it is also worth bearing in mind that dispite what all the idiot women in varying organisations from medical people down say there appears as far as I can tell to be no unequivocal evidence that breats is best
It's odd; neither I nor the midwives are suggesting that bottle feeding is a failure (we've given breastfeeding a damn good go, but the wee one isn't interested, it seems), but my wife has worked herself into a tizz nevertheless. God bless peer group pressure.
6h sleep last night (in stretches) first time we've had a decent amount of sleep since she came home.
Andy
The more I read these threads, the more convinced I am that ignoring the advice of absolutely everyone seems to be the way to go 😐
6 hours is really very good for a baby of that age.
Hopefully your wife will start to calm down as well as your baby starts to settle down.
Looking for some Dadsnet hive-mind reassurance. At home with our week old first child, who is as good as gold all day, but then screams and screams all night. Can anyone assure me that a) this is normal, b) that it will pass, and c) what the likely time frame is? We can't find any obvious cause for this; she's much more chilled when held but is too little to understand that we can't do this all the time. We are both threaders and exhausted; community midwife suggests things might be better by the weekend. Anyone able to advise?
Haven't read all the other posts but from my exeperience:
a) Ours didn't do it, but I know others that did, and worse than yours sounds.
b and c) Ours seemed to change to different patterns a few times, notably at about 3 months.
I'm sure your community midwife/health visitor knows the score better than most. But just keep trying different things. I found that a bouncy chair worked well with our first one, who went through a bit of a period of not sleeping (though just crying, not screaming) and I used to sit doing stuff on the computer (in the middle of the night) whilst rocking the chair with my foot. You are just finding out that having kids is more difficult than you can imagine before you have them yourself. OTOH, chances are everything will be fine, and should you have another you'll find it much easier second time around.
On the failure thing my wife says she had a breeze with breastfeeding in baby was healthy and hungry and latched well. No thrush or mastitis or any of the other things that can go wrong in the first few weeks and it was still incredibly hard and she got close to stopping several times. So if you aren't having that kind of easy ride you definitely aren't 'failing' to give your baby a bottle instead/as well. And as theotherjonv says formula is still a really good food for babies. And feeling guilty won't do your baby or your wife any favours.
Sky Sports and watch the Ashes, if you're going to have a sleepless night then you might as well make some good of it. I did this in 2000 with MFL Junior on one of the odd occasions when he misbehaved, took us downstairs and "we" watched the Sydney Olympics. Well, he slept in his bouncer, I watched the games.
In terms of topping up a breast fed baby, good advice is to avoid a teat, local breastfeeding midwife says to use a cup, as this mimics the action of sucking a nipple - makes the baby work for the milk rather than a teat which is apparently too easy & will make the baby lazy & less willing to breast feed.
We're 8weeks in and Bangin On jnr 'still' doesn't have much of a routine..
Getting him to nap thru the day is virtually impossible unless in the sling (our dog loves it, he sees the sling and gets totally happy as he thinks he's off out for a walk).. Junior just wants held and doesn't go to sleep otherwise. Not just held but walked around and jiggled.
I would totally, totally recomend a 'Karri-Me' sling, you can just get on with your life and your high maintenance jnr can sleep and give you peace while you get on with your life
Mrs Bangin On has suffered with the breast feeding but is finally finding it easier and the latching on has finally sorted itself out; it's just a tough thing to get thru I think..
I don't think there's a right or wrong way to bring them up from scratch, just do what stresses you out least and get on with it.
watch the Ashes
Scots, so don't understand cricket at all 😛
Andy
Maybe I can put a smile on your face with these few words of wisdom that were passed onto me......
I hope you have both prepared for this....
FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.
Test 1 - Preparation
Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-
1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for children:-
1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the
counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to
their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.
Test 2 - Knowledge
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their
methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance
levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest
ways in which
they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table
manners and overall behavior.
Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all
the answers.
Test 3 - Nights
To discover how the nights will feel:
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag
weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some
other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to
sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.
Test 4 - Dressing Small Children
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang
out.
Time Allowed: 5 minutes.
Test 5 - Cars
1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door MPV.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Test 6 - Going For a Walk
Wait
Go out the front door
Come back in again
Go out
Come back in again
Go out again
Walk down the front path
Walk back up it
Walk down it again
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of
used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours
come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Test 7
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.
Test 8 - Grocery Shopping
1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can
find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you
intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your
sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having
children.
Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old
1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to land them into the
swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the
floor.
Test 10 - TV
1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney,
Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.
Test 11 - Mess
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean
walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor
& leave it there.
Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers
1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important
Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include
occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Test 13 - Conversations
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve
while playing the Mummy tape listed above.
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a
child in the room.
Test 14 - Getting ready for work
1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work
You are now ready to have children.
Good luck and enjoy.