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Thanks for the responses everyone. (Well almost everyone!). This really helps to confirm we are making the right considerations - we have discussed most of the above options and scenarios over the last day or two.
So long as further conversations with insurance go as expected we'll be cancelling.
Appreciate this, everyone.
Anyway had a great day up with them today in the sunshine in their garden, have to make the most of these now.
Can't believe the op is even contemplating leaving his folks to deal with those alone....
My mum was rushed into Bart's beginning of 2017. I dropped everything and spent the last year of her life trying to make it better /bearable. Took a mauve financial hit, but I've only one mum.
If you're not there when your old man takes his last breath, you'll regret it.
Remember the time the medics have given you is very much only an informed guess. It could be a lot shorter or longer
I have seen people in this situation many times. Some have taken the holiday and some cancelled. One family delayed their holiday three months in a similar situation and still had to cancel as their parents disease progressed more slowly
There is no one right answer. Every situation is different. Be very sure that whatever you decide it's a decision that you take for the right reasons and that you are content with it
I'm in the don't cancel camp.
If I could cancel at minimum cost I would. Thinking what if is not nice, going away full of worry would not be fun.
Having said that when my old man was diagnosed with a brain tumour we were all booked to go to see my uncle is US, mum and dad couldnt go, we went but for a shorter time. He wasnt expected to die in that time though...and he hung on for almost year more.
To everyone who is making a judgement on me even asking the question (judge away - I don't really care!):
Have you ever been in this situation, or a situation where a decision you make will negatively affect the welfare of people you love, whichever option you choose?
I am patently not making this decision for me, in my favour!
How much will you enjoy it if you are constantly thinking about what’s going on back home? Chances are you will need the same holiday more in six months’ time.
Yes, but who's to say he'd get that holiday in six months time.
if the OP knew that his dad was going to die I precisely 2.5 months time then I compleyely agree that he shouldn't go. Bit that's not the case. His dad may well be around for many many months. And much of that time is likely to be very stressful, and you may be best going into that with a bit of peaceful holiday time under your belt
It all depends on your relationship with your parents. It sounds like you’d be best served cancelling, but only you can make that decision.
There is no one right answer. Every situation is different. Be very sure that whatever you decide it’s a decision that you take for the right reasons and that you are content with it
Totally agree with Tj. Go with your instinct not the opinions off here. Thinking back to my parents they would have been very upset if I'd cancelled such a hard earned holiday because they might or might not have died whilst I was away.
I am patently not making this decision for me, in my favour!
Maybe you should?
What makes this so hard I think is the exceptional situation where we are making a decision against our kids' best interests and in favour of my parents. In any other situation it would always fall the other way.
we are making a decision against our kids’ best interests
. . . but you're teaching them an important lesson on what's really important in this life.
Cancel holiday if possible or swap to next year if not. See how things are at Easter and have some epic days out / a last minute holiday.
Yes that is true, and it helps. Thanks
That was to Esme... Ctk yea that's how I see it going. Just going to have to wing it through other hols this year. I'm hopeful we can get abroad late summer or in the autumn half term. Before then it's probably wishful thinking.
How many dad's have you got?
Nice that you seem to consider his political views impact on you level of care though. Classy, but typical STW.
There's a load of people on this thread saying "family first, don't go"
The OP has a wife and kids to think of here. Things aren't always that clear cut.
Zanelad. Did you read the post? The ****ing irony of what you wrote is ****ing astonishing.
Yep they are both family.
And to zanelad I know you are trolling however it is kind of a relevant point. I put the comment on their general personality and outlook in there for context.
There have been moments when my parents have acted like bellends in the past and it has taken all our strength not to fall out with them (they probably think the same!)
I think the strength of your relationship does of course impact on this decision. If they had been genuinely evil bastards (they are nowhere near!) Then I would be going with a clear conscious.
Can't really see how the sides of the argument come any where near close though Mr General.
Irrespective of the points, one side of the argument is going to result in the loss of a parent and a potential collapse of the other. The other side of the fence has two kids and a wife a bit disgruntled because they postpone a holiday they can take again later.
Rather one sided I'd say.
Can understand siding (if that's the right term) with immediate family over parents in 99% of situations, and as a dad of grown kids I'd expect nothing less but, in situations like this one it is a lot different.
Yep twonks. I don't disagree with what you said, but my other thought is that he has no idea how long his dad will actually last. He could hopefully be there for months.
My FIL had a heart attack 3 years ago and so my wife dashed off to be with him.
She...
Sorry. Too much info
Best of luck OP
Ok here's one selfish thing I have realised and am going to say: canceling this holiday does make it easier for us to live with ourselves if we do some shorter uk breaks should the illness drag on.
If we took a big holiday on a big risk, then I think it would be reasonable for my parents to expect us not to go away again to cause more stress.
I think it is unreasonable for my parents to expect us not to be away at all (if only a few days) until my dad passes.
Ps I would be looking to make sure other support was there in those short break circumstances
Twonks - I have helped people in this situation many times - its not nearly as clear cut as you think it is. YOu do not know how long he will be here for. so the family cancel this holiday - and the dad lives another year - can they not have a holiday in this time?
I'll tell a tale of someone I looked after. Patient came into my care with a few days to live. Full end of life care. She instead improved, regained consciousness and stopped needed the painkillers but still terminally ill. 3 months later she was still there and one son took his holiday that he had postponed from earlier in the year when she first was admitted to us. She declined again while he was away She died the day after he came back from holiday.
As I said - there is no clear answer to this one. There is no right or wrong. There is only what the people involved feel is best. the key thing is to make the decision for the right reasons and be content with that decision.
OP - If you want to talk this thru with me then PM me. I will not be able to reply immediately tho
Sorry if my reply was a little curt earlier.
I came within hours of losing my mum to a subdural hematoma this week and seeing my family drop everything to be there for her brought home what is important. Mercifully the old dear is now staggering round LGI making inappropriate comments again, but earlier this week she was on her way out.
Thanks TJ, really appreciate the offer. I am ok, long talks with the missus, seeing my parents (on top form as it happens) this weekend, and this thread have all really helped. I'm also content for other people's opinions /approaches to differ from my own. As you say, every situation is different.
For what its worth I'd take the holiday probably
I realise it for sure TJ, as I lost my sister to cancer at 32 (13 years ago) and my dad in an accident that nobody saw coming a couple of years ago. One was a situation I knew was happening and one very much out of the blue and a hell of a shock. Both crap 🙁
There's clearly not a perfect answer for any of it as life and death isn't anywhere near as predictable as time.
Still, all our thoughts and opinions are out there to hopefully help the OP with his decisions.
My Dad died last weekend and I was fortunate to be able to be there to say goodbye and support my mum.
I reckon one reason I feel 'relatively' ok right now is that I was there for him at the end and I now have no regrets.
If I had missed that weekend for whatever reason, I know it would play on my mind for many years to come.
TJ is correct on this and there is no right or wrong.
My dad died from cancer in his own bed in our family home - mum brother and me under the same roof. He was ill for six months from diagnosis, the last month or so bedridden. The last week or so unconscious. We knew he was going to die, just not when or how. I used to go to work everyday and then come home in the evening, have a chat etc. Eventually there was no more chat and then one day I got a call at work to say it was over. It could have happened much quicker, or much slower. There was no program. No bedside vigil. But at the same time we still tried to lead our lives as normal as possible, and carry on regardless. When he died it was a massive relief for us three, for friends and relatives a massive shock and sadness. We had been living with sadness and death for six months and now it was gone. For them it had arrived.
For my dad and us it was important to spend time together when he still had some quality of life, could go out and enjoy old haunts and fresh air. Say things that needed saying.
Ultimately it's an awful time to go through, don't beat yourself up thinking you could have done it better or different.
If your holiday company is run by people with empathy ask to defer the booking and explain why. There will be a re-booking fee and possibly a charge to cover any changes in currency values and accommodation rates. You will need to go on the holiday at the revised date though. (This may be a problem if your father dies a month before the revised date, cancer prognosis is not an exact science).
Good luck and may your god go with you.
There's a lot of time in life for regrets.
So what will you regret more, not being there to support your father in his last days, and your mother after, or a missed holiday?
Which will burn the more?
I'm not going to post details of my personal life.... but me, i say go on the holiday... Enjoy it.
I’ve been at the bediside of my dying sister and then my mother shortly after. I found it pretty over-rated if I’m honest. We all had very close relationships, spoke often and shared everything. In the same circumstances, my mother would have insisted I go on holiday. Time of death is very uncertain, except for things like liver failure (two weeks). I’d be close to them before going, but still go. Your parents would want you to care for your own family. That’s what my mother told me.
You might have regrets, that would be natural. On the day my mother did die, I’d been staying with my other sister for two weeks locally. I took her boys out cycling along a river for a picnic. Then headed to see my mother. She dies whilst we were with her just after I arrived. If I had not been here it would not have worried me or her and I’d still be remembering the bike ride with fondness. Enjoy them whilst they are with you.
where we are making a decision against our kids’ best interests
It really isn't. The disappointment over a delayed holiday will be transient, the value of you demonstrating the importance of prioritising even a sometimes fraught relationship with your dad will serve them well, and may even be repaid in full at some point down the track.
My Dad died a few years ago after a long illness (well, at least two long illnesses really) - all my siblings took turns to help with care and visitation, but I happened to be the one 'on duty' on his last couple of days so I was there as he slipped away. My Mum had been frail for years and was slowly getting worse, but seemed generally healthy - then she died very suddenly last year, before I'd even had time to rush up to see her in hospital. Then late last year a good work friend around my age died from a brain tumour only a week or two after diagnosis.
The result? They are all gone, for ever - they've disembarked the train of time and the platform is receding into the distance. Sometimes I wish I'd done something different, that they were still here to talk to, or I regret not spending more time with them, but it's all history now.
What I really mean is there's a lot of wrestling with the concept of death that people have to go through, but ultimately there's nothing you can do to stop it, whatever you choose to do. I feel that people sometimes get caught up in trying to make the 'right' choice and do the 'right' actions that will make things all better, but nothing will.
My dad lived years past my wedding - the one we thought we might have to cancel because he wasn't going to survive. If we'd postponed and hung on it would have been absurd. I put off a trip up to see my Mum by a couple of weeks because there was no urgency and then she was suddenly gone. You have to live your own life, is the short answer...
Slightly diferent case. FiL passed away last year, around 8 months after diagnosis with sporadic CJD. There was no warning when he did go, and no real way to be sure of when he might.
We took our family holiday as by that point there was little more to do than hold his hand and speak to him with little to no feedback. We balanced the risk vs. the fact there was unlikely to be any warning, and made plans to get my wife back asap if necessary, and take the hit (it was all self arranged, and South of France so not the other side of the moon) if it was necessary. She was put under pressure by other family members not to go, but after a year of dealing with this and being the major source of support, I felt she needed time away - and she did benefit from it, we saw the woman we loved as a mother and wife more in those 2 weeks than the rest of the year. We don't regret taking that break.
We got lucky in so much as it was a couple of months later he finally went, but you do have to make time for yourself as well as put what you can into the time you have left. If he had passed whilst we were away, there was nothing more we could have done than been at his bedside an hour or two earlier after.
Guilt and regrets are two of the most destructive emotions you can have.
Yes I realise that you'll be missing out on a proper family holiday, but there will be other opportunties. Once your dad is gone, thats it.
Be there for him, be there for your mum, be there for yourself.