MegaSack DRAW - This year's winner is user - rgwb
We will be in touch
Hello all,
No woe is me post 😀 I've been through a separation/divorce in the past and know how bad that can be, but I'm now in a new relationship and can't seem to figure things out.
So, the low down is...been seeing the other half for seven months (both forty - I have two kids, she has none). She's met the kids and gets on great with them (as they do her), so no issues there. It's been pretty full on since the word go. She's asked me to move in with her next year and we've talked about the possibility of having a kid of "ours", which isn't a decision I'd take lightly, but is something I'd consider. We have never had a face to face argument, despite spending a hell of a lot of time together. We are pretty much spot on 99.9% of the time and I do love being with her.
But, whenever we are apart, there are continual trivial arguments and bickering by text, and when I say trivial, I mean really trivial. It seems to be happening with ever increasing frequency too.
She recently spent two weeks in Spain on a holiday which was booked "pre-me", and it was two weeks of constant and petty bickering. The reason I'm feeling so unsettled just now is that she is away to NY next week (again booked "pre-me"), and I'm now fully convinced the same is away to happen again.
I've basically said that I don't want text contact while she is away and that the odd phone call would be good.
I'm in a quandary over the whole thing. My head says there must be something fundamentally wrong with the relationship which cause these stupid rows (and at 40y/o effectively having to ban texting), my heart says that we haven't once had a proper face to face row over anything of substance.
Any thoughts from the STW collective?
Cheers
Lacking nuance?
Like writing on this here forum, sometimes it's hard to get across subtle meaning and tone so folk take things the wrong way and arguments develop. Have the same discussion face-to-face and it doesn't happen.
what are these text arguments about? if she texts being arsey can't you just reply taking the piss good naturedly to diffuse the aggression?
We have never had a face to face argument
we haven't once had a proper face to face row over anything of substance
Use Face Time / Skype instead of texts / calls?
Her past- does she have trust issues? Is she quite intense?
She could have low self esteem due to the way she has been treated. Personally in no way do I see that as anywhere near enough to end it. Talk to her.
I've known girls that have read receipts on messages and if they don't get immediately replies they've gotten intolerable.
Personally me and mrsH don't get on with text. Great face to face (20yrs)
Avoid text, call or Skype instead. Text can be misinterpreted so easily.
Texting at 40? Do you wear baggy jeans and a hoodie too? 😆
But, whenever we are apart, there are continual trivial arguments and bickering by text, and when I say trivial, I mean really trivial. It seems to be happening with ever increasing frequency too.
she actually just wants some kind of response/reassurance you are still there thinking about her and ‘caring’
just leave the texts unread and if you can in airplane mode for a couple of hours at a time then send one “hope you are having fun i can Skype/call you later if you are not out”
worked for me 😉
A text is like a getting a message on a pager. You don't need to respond to it, or certainly not immediately. Within a week or so is fine. You'll never have a text argument like this.
Very odd (but then hey! That's relationships) that someone you'd consider moving in with and HAVING A CHILD WITH - can also be causing you to doubt the whole relationship due to petty squabbles over text.
I don't think advice on a forum will help. Sit down with the woman and discuss it?!
context is everything with texts. Have you spoken to her about it? What was her response?
Without knowing what the bickering and silly arguments are about and how they came to be a problem from thousands of miles away it's hard to comment.
My other half thinks I'm nagging when I text (err I am)
what are these text arguments about?
One example. I mentioned I'd put potato in a curry I'd made. Apparently, that wasn't on as she's on weigh loss programme thing!
Her past- does she have trust issues?
Possibly. She's never mentioned specifics, but was unhappy that I was friends with Ex's on FB.
Texting at 40? Do you wear baggy jeans and a hoodie too?
More of a tight jeaned hipster! 🙂
Guessing the nuance thing is spot on. Limited contact when we are apart is probably the way ahead.
I don't think advice on a forum will help. Sit down with the woman and discuss it?!
That's the plan for this evening. Tonight will be the last time I see her before her holiday. I want it sorted before she goes so there is no repeat.
Just though some other points of view would be good before hand 🙂
Quit whilst you're ahead and buy more bikes!
On a serious note... I couldn't handle that kind of pettiness it's nonsense and boring to boot and can get passive aggressive quickly if you entertain it. I'd tell her she's making white noise... then again I am single..
Did I mention buy more bikes?
I've known girls that have read receipts on messages and if they don't get immediately replies they've gotten intolerable.
oh **** yeah. i met a woman, she seemed ok but a bit intense. We'd met once and were looking to arrange another date. I left my phone in the car and went into a supermarket to do the weeks shopping, came out to 3 texts, why am I not replying, then dumped. didn't bother with a reply
Insecurity. The reason doesn't matter.
Either talk about it like 40 year old adults (in person), accept it, or move on.
ask for advice on a MGTOW forum, not here. They'll set you straight 8)
"Tonight will be the last time I see her before her holiday. I want it sorted before she goes"
That will certainly put an end to the "never rowing face to face" aspect of the relationship. 🙂
Whatever it is, you are wrong. Accept that and move on.
This is a red flag, she is obviously cheating on you, this is also emotional abuse, leave the bitch now.
A text is like a getting a message on a pager. You don't need to respond to it, or certainly not immediately. Within a week or so is fine. You'll never have a text argument like this.
I like this approach.
I go away a lot and some locations have very little access to any signal/wifi etc, so there can be delays for up to 2 days between texts. It drives the g/f insane. Which in turn vexes me.
I like being off-grid. Peaceful. Life was so much easier pre-mobile!
You do know they are all mad? I assume this as you are 40. The real question is can she make a nice sandwiche?
This is a red flag, she is obviously cheating on you, this is also emotional abuse, leave the bitch now.
Excuse me?!?!?! 😯 👿
Given you ever argue when together and you are going to live with her so wont really need to text I am not seeing how this will be a relationship ending issue
Are you just getting cold feet about moving in and looking for a reason?
Futureboy77 - Member - Block User - Quote
what are these text arguments about?
One example. I mentioned I'd put potato in a curry I'd made. Apparently, that wasn't on as she's on weigh loss programme thing!
That's not a falling out "offense"
Seriously, run bro. As someone who spent years in a failed marriage arguing every single day, I've been with my girlfriend over a year now and we haven't argued once. It's like night and day.
On face value she sounds like an irrational person where it's all about her, or she's a button pusher.
At this age she's highly unlikely to change, so you could try and sort it but I would walk.
Personally speaking, after a crap marriage, my bullshit tolerance is very, very low. When I started dating again I was very wary of getting into the same situation again and I was able to spot a few options that would have led to a world of shit so I nipped them in the bud there and then and walked away
This is a red flag, she is obviously cheating on you, this is also emotional abuse, leave the bitch now.Excuse me?!?!?!
Oops sorry, I was reading mumsnet in another tab.
was unhappy that I was friends with Ex's on FB.
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She sounds insecure, but in seriousness this could just be an issue of context. You send a jokey text, she misreads it as you being arsey for no reason and reacts, you seeing it as her being arsey for no reason, and we're away. See also, STW.
If you're going to talk about it as you say, she blatantly needs reassurance and support, but I'd be very nervous that you seem oblivious to what's going on in her head and can't discuss the avoidance pointless micro-arguments with someone whom you're entertaining the idea of impregnating at some point.
It's hard to see why she'd be cross at you making food for yourself when she's on a diet (insecurity again), when presumably not going to be even eating it.
Or it could be that you'll be on rabbit curry when she gets home. Who knows.
Given you ever argue when together
Here's a thing; maybe that's why? If you're both walking around with pent-up frustrations it, well, erm, builds up frustration.
Personally speaking, after a crap marriage, my bullshit tolerance is very, very low. When I started dating again I was very wary of getting into the same situation again and I was able to spot a few options that would have led to a world of shit so I nipped them in the bud there and then and walked away
I'm in same boat, and do the same. Life is way too short.
texting is a weird one, I never thought texting would take on so much significance in my life, but in dating it can be really revealing, I can spot certain 'types' just from texting behavior. Most obvious is a woman losing her shit because I haven't texted or responded in some (unknown to me) time limit. Bonkers.
Two holidays booked 'pre you'?? She is on holiday with a male she is emotionally attached to, time with him makes her want him so tries to start arguments on text to get you to tell her to do one? Just a thought.
If the above is a big no no then just don't answer your texts, when she's back claim to have lost your phone but have since found it......then have a face to face chat about the 'insecure' holiday texts
There will be a parallel AIBU thread to this on mumsnet.
Obviously it takes two to argue. The best response is to call, rather than reply with something that'll wind her up.
By all means text a reply like 'got your message, I'll call you soon' then I'm sure the potential argument can be resolved.
If it only happens when you or her are away it surely stems from a trust issue.
<Stands up> My name is Steve and I have never sent nor received a 'text'.
<sits back down>
Bravo Steve!
OP - Skype or the odd call don't fall into the Crevasse of constant comms. It is tiring and self defeating - Mars v Venus maybe?
Mars v Venus maybe?
Excellent idea.
Tell her that, since men are from Mars, communication is sketchy at best and subject to variable time delays and blackouts.
Here's some helpful info from Wikipedia to print out and give your girlfriend to explain the situation.....
The one-way communication delay due to the speed of light ranges from about 3 minutes at closest approach (approximated by perihelion of Mars minus aphelion of Earth) to 22 minutes at the largest possible superior conjunction (approximated by aphelion of Mars plus aphelion of Earth). Real-time communication, such as telephone conversations or Internet Relay Chat, between Earth and Mars would be highly impractical due to the long time lags involved. NASA has found that direct communication can be blocked for about two weeks every synodic period, around the time of superior conjunction when the Sun is directly between Mars and Earth,[50] although the actual duration of the communications blackout varies from mission to mission depending on various factors—such as the amount of link margin designed into the communications system, and the minimum data rate that is acceptable from a mission standpoint. In reality most missions at Mars have had communications blackout periods of the order of a month.[51]
I'd imagine that, due the increased distance, communications between Mars and Venus would be even more problematic.
Do you think there's a market for spouse text response outsourcing service? Nagsponge? Mithershield?
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Loving the cold types. Where'd the empathy and understanding not everyone is a heart assasin like yourself?
Hot off the press! People are fallable and have weaknesses.
Op,
Does she go on holiday by herself often? i.e. all pre-you?
Get her to speak honestly.
Where'd the empathy and understanding
Yes Hora on relationships threads you are well know for how you empathetically and understandable advise back door action
They are all evil she witches, give up chasing them and devote your time to your bike(s) instead.
No need to be coy, futureboy.....
[url= http://singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/ditching-the-missus ]http://singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/ditching-the-missus[/url]
Do you think there's a market for spouse text response outsourcing service? Nagsponge? Mithershield?
I initially read that as "Nagspooge," which I think might be an altogether different service.
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Either she is crazy, or she has baggage.
Only one of those can be dealt with and sorted.
Wish I could conduct our arguments* by text. Sounds an ideal arrangement, frankly.
*Not that we have any, just the occasional tense moment when I take longer than would be ideal to see the light.
My name is Steve and I have never sent nor received a 'text'.
erm, ok. Thanks for sharing... 😕
Potato in a curry ? ****n weirdo. Don't blame her.
Do your kids have any pets?
Nothing in what the OP said sounds like a big deal. The texts may have been written quickly and not worded as well as possible and the ex girlfriends on facebook thing seems kind of understandable, she may have trust issues but then she may have good reason to (sharing details of your relationship on a mtb forum probably won't help that).
If everything else is rosey I'd discuss your reservations with her and see where you go from there. If the alternative is to break up in case she's nuts then whats the harm in being honest with her and finding out for sure?
Turn your phone off. 8)
Run man, the alarm bells are ringing loud for this one. 😀
This has reminded me why I love this place! 😀
Have you spoken to her yet? Maybe send a text to check what time she's coming around, what's the worst that could happen?
Two pages without a single suggestion of Bombers or Weeing in her shoes?
This place has changed!
Some peoples written language and spoken language is quite different. I met a customer today whom I'm convinced treats me like I'm an arsehole that can do no right over email. Yet when we have f2f meetings she's really very nice, asks about me and the family, we sort customer issues our easily and politely and today she told me I was the best client manager they've had.
A photo would probably help people !!
A holiday is usually to relax/unwind so why spend time arguing , there's something wrong guess we the collective can't say why, other than alarm bells should be ringing sorry.
I got rid of my mobile last year, it's brilliant. After a few months you realise that with a phone there's always a small part of your brain waiting for it to go off, always a tiny part of you on edge.
OP, talk to her not us.
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You fancy her and she was single when you met her so you cannot expect rational behaviour obvs 🙂
I can not see how an argument by text can be half as much fun as argument in person or by phone.
[i]I got rid of my [s]mobile[/s] missus last year, it's brilliant. After a few months you realise that with a [s]phone[/s] wife there's always a small part of your brain waiting for it to go off, always a tiny part of you on edge.[/i]