[Closed] Really upsetting commission...

Life can be bad but you're doing good. It's OK to cry (I am).

I'm not sure manning up is required here. Hope you get through it.

Many years ago (1990 if I remember correctly), myself and a good mate got a posting for Uni work experience in the same small town. Our digs were in a pub - and the first night we were there, the married couple who were hosting us, after a few drinks, when we were all sauced up a bit, proceeded to show us photos of their stillborn child they'd had earlier that year.

We were only around 18 or 19 at the time - so it was a bit weird. I heard later that it was encouraged as part of the grief process - I'm glad they were able to offload - but the alcohol helped at the time.

That's a tough one, but you'll be helping big time. All the best with that.

Do not envy you on that one at all, crack on and sort it out to make the parents happy I suppose, good luck.

Not even started it yet, too upset after looking at the pictures. They were 5months term and both Downs. So horrible. 🙁

it sounds a horrible job but...

this is where you step up to the mark and show your measure, as a friend and as a decent human being. Disconnect yourself fgrom the job, get it done, then go for a bike ride and good pint or two.

all the best

🙁

That's tough, but it's a valuable process and you clearly want to help

or if you really can't, do you have anyone good in the same line of work that you can call in a favour and pass on the task to them ? (with the parents' consent)

It's a horrible thing to go through, friends of ours had a stillbirth at full term and they did the photo thing - looking back I can see why they did it but I was really upset by it at the time. AT the moment they need your support, if you;re in a position to help then do what you can

Thanks everyone, your comments have helped greatly. Scaredypants, I wouldn't ever show these pictures to another person. Yossarian's right, I need to disconnect and crack on.

I think I just need to get the initial shock, upset and blubbing like a baby out of the way!

Crack on, grit your teeth and do the best job you can.

Try photographing your own dead son, see how that feels...

Sorry but you need to take everything in context with your own situation.

As a brand new parent, that's just too awful to imagine.
I'd never be able to look at the picture.

Try photographing your own dead son, see how that feels...

It didn't even cross my mind to get the camera out.

Hey ho.

I do apologise for that, it was harsh and wrong, it's been a bad tempered day, and I should have been sympathetic, not vitriolic.

In another life I also often had similar commissions and they are never easy, from accident damaged children, to wives and loved ones lost without photographic record, i used to work with undertakers, the camera is a shield, once you're behind it your auto responses take over.

So when it came to my turn, a child with no photographic record, I guess i just went through the process as part of the grief reaction, hardly a panacea, but then in times like that one never knows what one really is doing.

However, my point if i could shamefully claim to have one, is simply that they are feeling far worse than you and in your own way you are actually helping the situation so take a positive view.

Sorry once again for my earlier bad tempered remarks, there's something extremely negative to the spirt about this place, very bad karma.

Good man for rethinking that derekrides, although I knew what you meant.

Just remember that your helping your friend Sibboleth, I think your very brave to take it on.

You are a bigger man than some on here, me included. I can't even read newspaper stories if a child has died, never mind editing pictures.

mastiles +1

been there,

was very uneasy at the time having the photo taken, couldnt understand why they wanted to take pics, everything happened so fast, from sat on the sofa at 10pm enjoying life, to giving him cpr, to the paramedics coming, to going to the hospital, to being discharged at 4am with nothing,

really didn't want it, but i did, very glad WE did, has helped a little down the line, sadness is still there, more for her, but the photo's remain

they help, and what your doing, most couldnt

Shibboleth.

They obviously place a lot of trust in you to ask such an important favour and this is how you must approach it.

Good luck.

good on you man do the best you can.
say's a lot about you that they asked you to do it.

Good on you for doing it.

I can only offer the suggestion of my experience of going to or doing things which in advance you absolutely dread and that is you just get stuck into it, strike while the iron's hot and get it done.

Once its done, send it over to your friend, and give him the original / backups so that he has control of it all beyond that, leaving you clear of the job.

You'll probably find that once you've started the work, you'll get into a state of mind where you focussing on the detailed sections of touchup work, and not necessarily the overall subject youre working on.

You're right, its not nice getting involved in peoples extremely personal and difficult circumstances, but its the type of thing you'll take a deep breath and get it done.

It will be a real help for them not maybe straight away but further down the line. Having been there with our son it helped my wife a lot and our parents, I opted to get his little hand prints as a tat to carry with me as I prefer to keep the memories of holding him rather than a photo. They are all kept tho should we want to look.

It may be hard for you but once you desensitise you will be ok, it will mean a lot to them.

It's quite a position to be in, you are one of the few people who can do something that will alleviate some of what they are going through. Finish the job and do it wholeheartedly.

There's no manning up to be done, you have already chosen to do something most people couldn't. Maybe you need to man down?

I can't even begin to empathise with you or the parents, I had to read your post 4 or 5 times.

As a parent of 2 with a 3rd on the way, I can't imagine what your friend are going through and think that it is an honour they have asked you to do this, however hard you may find it. Professional detachment called for I guess.

Also thoughts go out to dirtyrider and maxray - again, incomprehensible, but a sign of how strong the human spirit is to be able to carry on after such an event.

Something similar here but not as far on. They're trusting you to help them out. Guessing because they trust you to do the best you can. Can understand it's tough tho.
Sometimes the price of being good at something is that you have to do anything that someone asks you, even if it is hard.
Good work fella., go to it.

Tough job, but hey you have to look at it for 2 hours, they'll have to live with it for life. I know which I'd prefer.

Your a stronger person than most for doing this. I'd be crying too. I had a similar experience doing work for someone whose child had passed on, I well up thinking about it. In the end I'm glad I could help them. Keep yourself well and get plenty of breaks if you need them.

I think if I was given this commission, I would try and focus on seeing the children as two young and beautiful spirits who did not quite make it into the world this time around. I would be focussing on the beauty and innocence of young children, and try not to focus too much on the physical side of things. Maybe it was just not their time, and they will one day make it here.

These words may not help at all, but this is a tough one and I just thought I would add some love and positivity.

All the best

Si

Awful task to take on but as said above your helping a friend and that s the most important part

consider myself a blokey bloke so when it was obvious our baby was nt going to make it I didnt take much notice of the nurses etc pushing this leaflet and that advice
only later did i read one and it said you should be spending the day with your dead child reading him stories just generally spending time with him.. i thought i didnt want to go through the rest of my life wishing i had

so i did everything the leaflets / charities recommended when he was still born

it was definately the best thing i ever did i can look back now with no ''i wish we 'd done this or that'' because i held and kissed him and told my son stories we sang nursery rhymes put him in his cot loved him like you would any new born we spent a whole day with him

it was the most emotional time of our lives but i can look back and remember my son without wishing i'd done more.
(5 years ago last wednesday..)

fukin dusty in my office today, must get that aircon checked.

Respect and admiration to all.

🙁

you're really helping your mates out.. that's the only way to get the job done. Give them the pictures they want, in fact make sure its your best bloody work.

When my sister was born with anencephaly (without a skull), the nurses popped a little hat on her and my parents held her and had a polaroid taken (this was 1983). That must have been really hard for them.

My dad's still got the photo in a drawer so I guess it was worth doing, and keeping, for them.

To the OP, this is why the forum is great, because it's populated by you & people like you, you do the job/s that no normal mortal would do, most would run away, you are more of a man than most on this earth.

<Doffs cap>, now crack on son, you know it's the right thing to do.

Chin up.

My first daughter Hannah was stillborn at full term. Completely out of the blue, no problems with the pregancy, until wife went into labour and they couldn't find a heartbeat. We had approx 50mins heads up until Sue went into natural labour. Afterwards we held Hannah for a couple of hours. We managed to take one photo ( back in 97, so pre digital cameras/ mobile phones etc) and one of the nurses took a passport sized snap. Looking back I wish I had fired off the whole film , but understandably had bigger issues on my mind.

Just do the job you've been asked to do to the highest standard possible. You feel shit, I'll wager the parents are in a slightly worse place right now.

totalshell, totally with you there, would have regretted it so much had we not spent time with him etc.

Shall raise a glass to all of the little angels off of this thread tonight.

Perversely, this is a good thread in many ways. I feel sad but also uplifted.

I would try and focus on seeing the children as two young and beautiful spirits who did not quite make it into the world this time around. I would be focussing on the beauty and innocence of young children, and try not to focus too much on the physical side of things. Maybe it was just not their time, and they will one day make it here.

This is one of the nicest things I've ever read on STW.

Wow, really overwhelmed by some of the responses. Thanks so much for all words of encouragement.

I guess I didn't really understand how much this could help with my friends' grieving process, but the experiences of Totalshell, Ourkidsam, Micarms, Dirtyrider and Derek and have been a huge help. Your stories are all just as heartbreaking but knowing that a photo can help makes what I've been asked to do a lot easier.

I spoke to a close friend last night who's an undertaker. He simply told me that whilst it's most difficult with little uns, they just weren't meant for this world.

Cheers everyone, you're not such a bad lot...

Best of luck mate. You're doing a lovely thing for the parents remember that.

When my sister was born with anencephaly (without a skull), the nurses popped a little hat on her and my parents held her and had a polaroid taken (this was 1983). That must have been really hard for them.

My dad's still got the photo in a drawer so I guess it was worth doing, and keeping, for them.

So sad. 🙁 I had an older brother who died at 14 days old - it had been a trouble-free pregnancy, but when he was born it was obvious that there was something wrong. It turned out his heart was back to front and had a hole in it, and sadly in 1978 they just couldn't save him. It broke my parent's hearts, and my mother never really recovered - rather than dealing with the grief, she bottled it up. I know my mom wishes she had photos of him (she actually said that the other day, coincidentally), so if you can help your friends Shibboleth, I’m sure you’d be helping them greatly.

It really affected my mum too, I'd say it changed her life. She wrote a book about the whole thing, and I think that helped massively. She had a lot to say about it I guess.