MegaSack DRAW - This year's winner is user - rgwb
We will be in touch
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It's important to blow your own trumpet sometimes, I did then I had spare ribs to celebrate 🙂
One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner. Mother Potato, Father
Potato, and their three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest
daughter spoke up.
"Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make".
"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in
her eldest daughter's eyes.
"Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm
getting married!"
The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed,
"Married!... That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?"
"I'm marrying a Jersey Royal!" .... "A Jersey Royal!" replied Mother
Potato with pride. "Oh, a Jersey Royal is a fine tater, a fine tater
indeed!"
As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter
spoke up. "Mother, I too, have an announcement."
"And what might that be?" asked Mother Potato, said with conviction.
"I, too, am getting married!"
"And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?"
"I'm marrying a King Edward," beamed the middle daughter.
"A King Edward!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, a King Edward is a
lovely posh tater, a fine tater indeed!"
Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the
future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother
Potato?...Umm, I, too, have an announcement to make."
"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as
her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you,
but I am getting married, as well!"
"Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement..."All of my lovely
daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you
marrying, youngest Daughter?"
"I'm marrying John Inverdale!"
"John Inverdale?!"..Mother Potato scowls, "But he's just a common tater!"
Whats the difference between a dirty bustop and a cosmetically enhanced lobster.
Ones a Crusty Bus Station the other is Busty Crustacean.
[url= http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-11053202 ]Fringe's funniest joke [/url]
Two blokes on top of a hill. One says to the other
"look at that flock of cows over there"
"heard of cows" the other replied"
"of course I've heard of cows" said the first man "there's a flock of them over there"
Two chimps in a bath. One says to the other
"oo oo oo aa aa aa"
The other replies
"well put some cold water in then you ****"
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Guaranteed blowjob.
"I bet you a pound that I can make your boobs wobble without touching them"
These are better than most of the gags on that Fringe list.
😆
What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
(See if she blushes)
Brilliant ! keep 'em coming (so to speak)
Why do communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
Why did the baker have brown fingers?
He kneeded a poo.
Just bought a dog from a blacksmith. As soon as we got home he made a bolt for the door.
Try this one on her...
You: What's the difference between a sandwich and a blowjob?
Her: I don't know.
You: Would you like to come for a picnic?
(Money back if you don't get your oats)
Van Gogh sitting in the pub. His mate comes in and says
"Vincent, do you want a pint?"
Van Gogh replies
"No thanks, I've got one 'ere."
A drunk walks into a bar and starts to tell the barman a blonde joke,
When a blonde woman sat at a table nearby says "oi, I am the women's Olympic judo gold medalist and I am blonde.
My friend on my left is the women's heavy weight boxing Olympic gold medalist and she's blonde and my friend on the right is the woman's tae Kwan do Olympic gold medalist , and she is blonde.
"Now do you still want to tell your blonde joke."
"No" said the drunk "not if I am going to have to explain it three times "
An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the
streets and bars of Dublin one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dawson
Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for
evening performances'.
'F*cking get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
'Get the f*cking manager of this pigs sh*t middle class w*nk hole please
you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however
obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says
'Yes you can you fat piece of sh*t, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting
window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire
need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The
first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too
involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries,
'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'
'That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I
just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nts blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little
less "lively".'
'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad
which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops
asks him the title.
'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t
box you get crap on your bell end.'
'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive
titles?'
'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or
there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got
nice jugs".
'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but
the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the
condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'
'f*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.
On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up
his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only
thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous
blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the
tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and
inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking
hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.
Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the
tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the
show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.'Hi' she
says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging
out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'
'Know it?'
says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,
'I f*cking wrote it !!!'
A sausage and an egg are in a frying pan.
The egg turns to the sausage and says "**** me, it's hot in here!"
The sausage turns to the egg and says "**** me, a talking egg!!!"
1.) It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally.
2.) Who is this Rorschach guy? … and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
3.) A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus…. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”
4.) René Descartes walks into a bar. Bartender asks if he wants anything. … René says, “I think not,” then disappears.
5.) Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar… followed by Batman.
6.) Yo momma’s so classless… she could be a Marxist utopia.
7.) Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?… He’s 0K now.
8.) An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on. … After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, “You fellas ought to know your limits.”
9.) Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when all of the sudden the phone rings… Pavlov gasps, “Oh crap, I forgot to feed the dogs.”
10.) Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath…. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
11.) Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Do all of you want a drink?”… The first logician says, “I don’t know.” The second logician says, “I don’t know.” The third logician says, “Yes!”
12.) How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? … Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”
13.) What’s the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?… An etymologist knows the difference.
14.) The other day my friend was telling me that I didn’t understand what irony meant. … Which is ironic, because we were standing at a bus stop.
15.) There are two types of people in this world:… Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
16.) An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
17.) A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage…. The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”
18.) Your momma is so mean… she has no standard deviation.
19.) I’m thinking about selling my theremin… I haven’t touched it in years.
20.) What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?… Benoit B. Mandelbrot.
21.) What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
My dog, Minton, keeps eating all my shuttlecocks.
Bad Minton.
A woman went to her doctor:
"Doctor, since you put me on those steroids I've grown a penis!"
"Anabolic?"
"No, just a penis."
Two drunks leaving a pub bump into a nun.
When one of the drunks knocks her to the floor then lays in with his boot.
As they walk away he turns to his mate and says " I thought batman would have been harder than that"
Two Jewish gentlemen are walking down the road when one finds a pay packet with £400 pound in it.
His friend turns to him and says " Avi, you are the luckiest person I know"
"Lucky" says Avi "have you seen the tax I am paying"
Racist, some may say, funny yes.
I once lived next door to a family of anorexic agoraphobics.
They had a lot of skeletons in their closet.
what do you call a great stick?
fanta stick
from my 10 year old daughter.
nbt - 3 made me laugh far more than it should have done; don't get 5 or 14!
I sold my vacuum cleaner
It was just gathering dust
I once saw a pig sat in a field with some paints, some brushes and an easel. I asked what he was doing and he replied, "A self porktrait".
What do you call a grumpy cow?
Moooody 🙂
5 - Sodium = Na
14 - me neither but I did just copy and paste the whole list 😉
How ironic.
Why didn't the seagulls fly across the bay?
Because then they'd be bay gulls (bagels). 😐
What's pink and hard ?
A pig with a flick knife.
5.) Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar… followed by Batman.
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na- Batman!
I have a dog named Fruit Pastilles
He's always rowntrees
ba-dum-dum-tchhhhh
How ironic.
Or is it?
How do Mexicans keep warm?
They use chicken fajitas!
What's the difference between a woman and a w@nk?
Mmm...maybe not that one.
An Alsatian and a Labrador are sat in the vets waiting room, when the Labrador turns to the Alsatian and asks "what are you in for".
"Well said the Alsatian, the other morning my owner went to work and did not close the door properly, so I did what every good guard dog should and went to sleep by front door".
"Then I heard the creek of the front gate and then his footsteps".
"Now I new I should not have done it and I knew it was wrong, but I just could not stop myself".
" i flung the front door open and savaged the postman, when I say savaged I mean I gave him a proper savaging".
"So now, I am in for castration".
"What are you in for ".
" well " said the Labrador, the other morning I was asleep in my bed in kitchen when in walked my mistress wearing nothing but a very short, flimsy baby doll nighty"
"She walked up to the worktop, flicked on the kettle ,opened the fridge and bent over to get the milk".
Now I knew I should not have done it and I knew it was wrong, but I just could not stop myself".
"I ran over jumped up at her back and gave her a rogering , now when I say rogering I mean I gave her a proper rogering ".
"Ah" said the Alsatian "so it's castration for you too ".
"No" said the Labrador "I am in to have my nails clipped".
What's the difference between a woman and a w@nk?Mmm...maybe not that one.
Oh dear, that one works better with "egg" instead of woman.
What is the bare minimum?
1 Bear.
RM.
I walked into the doctors last week and said "doc, my knobs turned bright orange".
"Don't be ridicules" he said "there is no such condition".
So I showed it to him, "Good gracious" said he "I have been practising for over 40 years and have never seen anything like it".
"What do you do for a living, work in a nuclear facility, a chemical plant maybe, or even a paint factory".
"Funny you should mention work actually doc" Said I "as I was recently made redundant, now I mostly spend my afternoons watching porn and eating wotsits".
Has she cheered up yet then?
I asked my mate Mario last week where about in Italy he came from.
He said,
I come from such a small village you would never have heard of it.
I come from such a small village I did all the building work for everyone in the village, but was I known as Mario the builder, No.
I come from such a small village I did all the gardening for everyone in the village, but was I known as Mario the gardener, No.
I come from such a small village there was only one bus, and I drove that bus, but was I known as Mario the bus driver, No.
But you shagga one sheep!
Has she cheered up yet then?
I dunno, but I have !
Brilliant people, thanks
😀
Planet X
I had a joke about Sodium, but then again... Na.
Shakespeare walks into a pub.
The barman says "get out, ya bard".
Here 'til Wednesday, try the fish, don't forget to tip your waitress!
was looking for something to do with the kids during the summer holidays so I took them to a zoo.. It only had 1 dog in it...
It was a Shih Tzu...
What's the hardest thing about smelling mothballs?
Getting their little legs apart...
Whaddayacall a gun with 3 barrels ?
A Trifle
My sons favourite joke, sorry
Sergeant major: " jones, I did not see you in camouflage training this afternoon ".
Jones: "thank you sir".
A freind of mine was recently hospitalised with a Hoover pipe stuck up his bum.
I rang up yesterday to see how he was and the nurse said he was picking up well.
A woman and a man walk into a bar.
The barman says "Why the long face?"
The woman replies. "Because he has to ask on a cycle forum how to have a conversation"
From yesterday s R4 early morning farming programme:
Did you hear about the farmer who won a Nobel prize?
He was outstanding in his field.
Thankyouverymuch......
You say: What's the difference between a blow job and a chicken drumstick?
She says: i don't know
You say: Fancy a picnic?
Man walks into a bar
As he passes the fag machine it says "you're fxxkin ugly and i've been screwing your wife"
When he gets to the bar the peanuts say - "that's a lovely suit and you've got really nice hair"
Barman tells him the fag machines out of order and the peanuts are complimentary.
Badooom - tish
Whaddayacall a gun with 3 barrels ?A Trifle
My sons favourite joke, sorry
It's now mine too. Thanks for that, buy your son a beer / ice cream as appropriate.
5.) Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar… followed by Batman.
I've changed my mind. That is [i]brilliant.[/i]
20.) What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?… Benoit B. Mandelbrot.
The B doesn't stand for anything, he made it up to sound interesting. So, theoretically, this joke could very well be true.
Teacher says to a pupil "give me a sentance with the word "contagious" in it"
Pupil thinks for a moment then says " i was out shopping with my grandad the other day, when a lady dropped her bag of apples. My grandad said "it will take that c*nt ages to pick that lot up"
Did you hear about the agoraphobic homosexual?
He came out then he went back in again.
What's the difference between oral and anal?
One can make your whole day but the other makes your whole week.
I've recently started playing the triangle for my local reggae band .
I just stand at the back and ting 🙂
On and on....
[img] 
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Thanks, I'm here all night.
What's brown and sticky?A stick.
Guaranteed blowjob.
or C: All of the above.
My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.
Oh and what about a very funny video?
14.) The other day my friend was telling me that I didn’t understand what irony meant. … Which is ironic, because we were standing at a bus stop.
The bus stop remark in itself isn't ironic, which demonstrates that s/he doesn't understand what irony means (thus making the remark ironic*).
*if you're a Canadian singer....
If anyone has any fish jokes, let minnow....
How do you make a bull sweat?
Give it a tight jersey.
Bloke goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, I'd like you to have a look at my penis."
She puts on a pair of gloves and gives it a thorough examination. After a few minutes she looks up and says
"I can't see anything wrong with it."
"I know" said the man "It's ****ing magnificent isn't it!"
TOMMY COOPER JOKES
1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual....'
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him.'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy.'
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'
23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
...and for those who'll be voting no.....
Alex Salmond was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Salmond if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So the illustrious SNP leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy."
"Incorrect", said Alex, in his best trying-not-to-sound-too-patronising-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove ow’r a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be a
tragedy"
'I'm afraid not', explained Alex, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss’’.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Alex searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and thon Sturgeon wummin wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Alex, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be an accident either! "
A man takes his goldfish to a vet, "I think my fish has epilepsy..."
"He looks fine to me" says the vet...
The man replies "wait til I take him out of the bowl..."
[s]TOMMY COOPER[/s] [b]TIM VINE[/b] JOKES
FTFY.