Parental responsibility

I think if 'covering the school run' is the only aspect that needs help during that recovery period - i.e. she's recuperating at home and not advised to drive rather than hospitalised for that period - then 'the school run' can be covered by a taxi. Where you could beneficially step in is during the actual period in hospital if thats only a day or two

How are your work likely to take it? This is certainly extenuating circumstances and they may be willing to make an exception/compromise.

Also, was there nothing stopping her moving that far?

Thanks. I did say about the taxi option

I guess my other real issue is being dictated to in any which way, I have two job interviews in January lined up and can't really go into those saying btw I may have to go travel 400 miles away at short notice when ever needed as neither are remote roles and I'll just be seen as high risk 

It's no way to live

Shit situation.   TBH I don't think missing 2 weeks school is a huge issue for 5 yr olds. Spending 2 weeks with their dad would be the best option for them.

The quid pro quo would the ex agreeing to cover a bigger part of school holidays later in the year.

And of course she would drop the kids off before going in for her op. 

Shit situation for sure & doesn't sound like your ex is being reasonable at all or ever inclined to be so, sorry to say it but you are either going to have to put up with it or resolve to move / change jobs to be nearer to them.

They had a history of health issues before moving so you'd have thought with 2 children to look after having the other parent local would at least be part of that decision making progress...there may well be other issues post op and I feel by caving now it'll just lead to normalising me being dictated to

I.e the threat of dropping the children at the works gates would be delt with by the police or social services, as my understanding as a parent I have to take part in certain decisions, but I'm not liable for emergency childcare given the distance - I'm not trying to absolve myself by any means. Just trying to know where I stand legally tbh otherwise I'll be stressed about these requests until my lads are 16 or so

I guess my other real issue is being dictated to in any which way, 

Hmmm yes. It does look like you're being doormatted a little here  or something is being lost in translation.

I assume you weren't in favour of the Newcastle move, but were told tough shit lump it?

And now she's saying this is your problem to solve...

That is indeed harsh.  I'm sorry you and the kids are being put through this 

I.e the threat of dropping the children at the works gates would be delt with by the police or social services

Imagine that action would make you a shoe in for future custody of your kids. If it comes to it even threatening this, (if she wrote it in a text message or WhatApp) would likely help your cause. 

She sounds like an unreasonable nightmare to be honest, I am sorry for the kids and you. 

Thanks for the comments, I'm more than reasonable as a person most of the time so dealing with stuff like this isn't something I naturally do well with so just knowing the facts is the best start I guess - I'll try call around a few solicitors later, I've tried to avoid until now

Tried Citizens advice bureau? They may be able to refer you to the best solicitor if nothing else.

It doesn't help with the bairns mum being difficult but you are entitled to unpaid parental leave by your employer. Yes is costs you money but is for exactly this kind of unplanned scenario where you have to provide care due to circumstances. Talk to your manager(s) / HR at work about the situation and see what they say.

https://www.gov.uk/parental-leave

Are you sure she didn't break any laws taking them all that way. A quick google says she might have done, unless you gave permission.

Nobody likes being dictated to, especially by an ex.  However, there’s many a father would be delighted to be able to spend more time with their kids one way or another.

Hypothetically you could get a phone call this afternoon to say she’s had a serious accident is in hospital and social work are currently doing emergency care for the kids.  I’ll bet you’d be in Newcastle as quick as you could in that situation, and you find a solution.

It’s probably not a great opening line for the interviews in January to be saying “my kids in Newcastle so sometimes I might need to go there” but if the decision whether to take a job or which one is better doesn’t include a degree of “which is family circumstance friendlier” then I think maybe you need some introspection.  

I think “solicitors”, “rights” and “future custody” etc are all well and good if you really want to spend years fighting, risk an approach where you are the obvious choice, and raise the kids in a world of uncertainty and dispute for a couple of years AND you actually WANT to be the main carer.  

I think my attitude would depend on how long she’s known about the surgery, when she told you and to some extent what it is for.   

This sounds a lot like my ex and her approach.  In her case lots of repeated examples of making decisions, usually against advice, that result in issues re the ability to look after the kids and function in normal life, and then handing responsibility for resolution of those back to others - mainly me - to resolve. 

Whilst I agree with the "avoid fighting it out formally" approach, what this has left me personally with is a continual drip feed of such issues year after year.  I wish in retrospect that I had had the difficult fight in the past and would now have been in a better position now, both for me and the kids. 

It's also important thought to seperate the "batte" from the "war" - i.e. you might bend over a bit re this current issue, but then once this is settled look to get things back under control. Depending on her approach this might mean formalising things legally. 

What were/are her plans if you'd have said something along the lines of:

"I'm sorry, I've got this work/life thing on at the same time that can't be moved, Why didn't you discuss this with me before-hand?"

If she's just expecting you to drop everything at her beck and call because: Children, you need to put a stop to that now, otherwise this will become your life from now on. I understand that you want to see your kids, be present for them and so on, and that's admirable, you may even want to try to help her out, but you need to place a mark in the sand. Either you plan things like this together, well ahead of time, for the best interests of everyone, or not at all.

No decision about me, that doesn't involve me, and all that jazz...

I am curious about how she ended up moving so far away. If it was to move in and form a new relationship then that new partner needs to step up imo. No need to share that info if it is sensitive but moving so far from the kids other parent seems a pretty crap thing to do. Lots of possible reasons why it happened I guess - tough situation for you.

If you have to use holiday entitlement… go on holiday with the kids. You’ll get some cracking prices flying from Newcastle Airport during term time. 

Sounds like a nightmare mother... but  presumably she hasn't decided to go into hospital just to screw you over, so you need to step up to the mark and look after your kids imo. Sorry.

What IRC said