[Closed] Overnight gas build-up potentially causing structural damage to my house

You've accidentally put a sad, worried yellow face at the end, instead of the great big happy grin one.

I don't want my house to end up like Saddam's palace!!

What, regularly visited by American squaddies?

Sounds like you've allowed your arse muscles to go flabby, creating a secondary night-seal.

I once did a fart in a Barnes and Noble bookshop in New York that was so loud and powerful that;

a) I moved forwards some considerable distance

b) the lady behind the counter 20 metres away came over to me and asked if I'd dropped one of the large expensive coffee-tabel-esque hardbacks offered in that particular aisle.

I feel your pain.

Too much "wrong way traffic" i suspect....

Speaking as a person who has a vegetarian wife and vegetarian children, thus making me vegetarian by default, I have become accustomed to the early morning rumble of thunder.

My son is particularly pleased with his farting and is now at an age when he likes to describe them. TRUMP, QUACK and TOMMY SQUEAKER are possible his most often used words at the moment. He has agreed to a cease fire around the dinner table, but as far as he is concerned anywhere and anytime else is fair game for blowing the bum trumpet.

His bedroom has the same smell and ambient temperature of the reptile house at Chester Zoo.

I thought the OP was vgood

Then I read this

"a) I moved forwards some considerable distance"

In tears here 😆 😆

Is there something troubling you in your home or work life?
Some people grind their teeth at night, some people cope by clenching their sphincter all night.

You obviously need to resolve a number of mental issues but that will take time so as a short term relief you need to find a way to get back to 'little&often' venting. A rubber hose rammed up there just before you go to sleep may help. If it's awkward, maybe Mrs Binners could help?

And then, why waste it? With a couple of water traps and a manifold system you can fill those jerry cans for the garage. An LPG conversion and you'll never need to buy fuel again.

Quality highbrow thread in the making

is now at an age when he likes to describe them

Words fail me........

Its probably the 14 slices of pate on toast you consumed just before retiring dearest........

I can't even begin to imagine what makes you want to discuss this on here. What's more, who cares? Any normal person would analyse their diet and adjust and re-evaluate, not ask about it in a public forum. Ah well.

Isn't this why the internet was invented? Well... if you discount pron?

Oh.... and its too consistent to be purely pate related dear

[i]What's more, who cares? [/i]

bagpuss72, for a start.

Isn't this why the internet was invented? Well... if you discount pron?

No, I'm afraid not. Unless you're 12*?

*Note the age related internet birth dependency depicted is entirely for theatrical purposes here.

Have you checked for squirrels or other woodland creatures coming out of hibernation?

Funniest post I've read in ages 😀

If I use a popular energy gel whilst riding ,afterwards and through night
I can whistle tunes with my caustic trumps. 😳

I think you should check that you haven't "accidentally fallen on" an ear horn, which may amplify your output somewhat. Like this one maybe...

[img] [/img]

have you contacted the London Philharmonic?
I hear they're looking for a new violinist...

that's not right is it

probably the 14 slices of pate on toast

[i]that's not right is it [/i]

the violinists will probably be playing second fiddle to his tuba.

[b]PAAARP!!![/b]

I can't even begin to imagine what makes you want to discuss this on here.

Because it's funny.

What's more, who cares?

I do! I do!

Any normal person would analyse their diet and adjust and re-evaluate, not ask about it in a public forum.

STWers normal? We gifted the world the Picolax Thread.

First of all, can I just say that it's threads like this that keep me coming back to STW. Coffeeking will obviously be baffled by this but hey-ho it's true. I love the candid discussion of all our bodily functions from ACLs through cardio-vascular stuff and down to the nitty gritty, taboo-shunning talk of assholes, trumps and poo.

Binners. I don't consider you to have a problem at all. Wind piffing away, under the radar all night is a wasted opportunity. You wouldn't let a balloon down slowly through careful manipulation of its "cats a-hole" would you? No. You'd stick a Regal kingsize or a panel pin into it and enjoy the BANG. Embrace your shock and awe morning munitions. Be proud of them and celebrate them with BP72 with a glass of pinotage and a handful of chickpeas.

You are a lucky man. And what better alarm signal than your own "deltic arse" thundering into the the morning air?

Chapeau.

Then I read this

"a) I moved forwards some considerable distance"

In tears here 😆

+1. Literally. It's a good job I'm the only one in the office at the moment.

I'm surprised iDiet hasn't been mentioned as a solution yet 😆

pissing myself... 😆

Have you been at the sausage rolls from greggs binners?

If we're taking bed troubles, I'm being squeezed, literally wake up on a teeny edge of the bed while GF is doing starfish impressions...(single child... 🙄 )

I need tactics....

If we're taking bed troubles, I'm being squeezed, literally wake up on a teeny edge of the bed while GF is doing starfish impressions...(single child... )

I need tactics....

Sieze the opportunity and practice breathing through your ears.....although that may not dissuade her from sleeping like that 😈

Oh, this is so worth the subs money :lol:ROFLMAO

To the OP,

Have you recently discovered real ale, perchance?

Being of voodoo vegenematarian persuasion, my chuffs are afforded naturally freer passage than if they had to muscle their way out past a meat-fortified richard when they wanted to play out. I like to think they smell of lavender and kittens.

However, after a night on what is affectionally known locally as "Theakston's Finest Eggy," my bottom burps take on a whole other persona. Foul shades escape from my trousers like Harry Potter's Dementors, and fly round turning the air brown. It's hard to walk anywhere without deflating on each footfall, trailing acrid sulphur and brimstone behind me.

There is a knack though, I've found, of squeezing them out carefully, counting to five, and then going somewhere else. You need to relax into it for the sneak, otherwise they come out in a high pitched squeak like a child blowing too hard on a descant recorder; then you need to wait the five seconds for the gaseous umbillical to collapse, make a run for it too soon and it'll follow you.

I need tactics....

How would tiny mints help?

GF is doing starfish impressions

Now then young lady, let's keep it clean. 😯

[img] [/img]

[i]you need to wait for the gaseous umbillical to collapse[/i]

Exactly, the whole point of an eggy drifter is that its owner can't be traced.

Ideally, you want something that'll waft around the office for a good 20 minutes without dispersing whilst you track its progress by spotting the wrinkled noses and shoe checking.

Another on in tears at Bullheart's post here. MOst disconcerting in the middle of an office 😉

Oh and binners, you'd better pray that your electricity works ok, if you have to light a candle then ther might be trouble...

[img] [/img]

believe it or not there is such a thing as a flatus tube - used in the medical world for relief of excessive flatus. I am sure your imagination can tell you how it works and I am sure you could improvise with a piece of hosepipe

Have you tried smuggling ducks instead on one instantaneous release?

[i]I am sure you could improvise with a piece of hosepipe [/i]

although possibly not whilst sat at your desk.

OK, so I was really worried for a second that there was some kind of geological event over in that there Lancashire (which may obviously affect this here glorious Yorkshire).

Now I have read the thread. I am relieved.

Although possibly not as relieved as the OP.

believe it or not there is such a thing as a flatus tube - used in the medical world for relief of excessive flatus. I am sure your imagination can tell you how it works and I am sure you could improvise with a piece of hosepipe

And you could attach ALL SORTS of things to the end of the hosepipe

A valve to pump up your tyres
A trombone, or any other 'wind' instrument
A balloon
A claxon
An airbrush (Be careful, unless you really want to spray brown)
A pneumatic drill (Pros only)

Someone needs to post the badger pic 🙂

One of the great joys in life IMO

The morning chorus 😉

Someone needs to post the badger pic

The thread that keeps on giving 😆

And what better alarm signal than your own "deltic arse" thundering into the the morning air?

This is absolute poetry, I've now got to mop the coffee from my screen. 🙂

Yes the 'badger' pumping away did pop into my mind.

Charcoal tablets in the post to you Binners.

Where's Mrs Toast with her photoshop skillz to do a binners/badger montage(!)...?

I think we'll all need the 'eye bleach' if Mrs Toast comes up with the goods 8)

Is enough pressure created to seat tubeless tyres?

"a) I moved forwards some considerable distance"

Yet again Bullheart has us in tears. This time 😆

A valve to pump up your tyres

Riding along,

"Jaysus, what's that smell?!"

"Oh, sorry lads, I must have a puncture."

What does it mean if you fart whenever you cough, apparently a mate of mine does it! 😕

Or the holy grail of a sneeze/fart. These get a smile even from my fart facist wife.

I weighed around 250lbs at the time, and I moved about 3ft, I kid you not. I was a human version of this;

[img] [/img]

My neighbour's bedroom is next to my bathroom, and recently I've noticed he turns his radio on when he hears me walking in the bathroom at 6am before I release the kraken 8)

And he's good enough not to mention it when we speak which is a bonus 😆 😳

I let one rip whilst in a very shiny Tube Station a few weeks back, I had my winter coat on and thought "I was alone", but no, as I tried to release one quietly a fellow carrying a skateboard and sporting wild hair passed by and pronounced "sweet"..

MrsBouy still s****s.

holy grail of the sneeze/fart

nay the holy grail is the 'triple threat' combo of the fart, sneeze and belch.
only spoken of in legend; comes with the unholy risk of biofluidary expulsion

The problem there is, there's a very clear and present danger that one of them might come with prizes.

😀 your body congratulates your success with a little gift

Hang on - you moved forward measurably? Surely that much force would have been enough to damage your trousers?

[i] What does it mean if you fart whenever you cough, apparently a mate of mine does it![/i]

It means you're awesome 🙂 I once managed 14 consecutive little squeakers whilst trotting down a flight of steps.

There are solutions:

You could ask for these for your birthday [url= http://www.shreddiesgifts.com/giftware/c/11/mens-gifts/ ]shreddies[/url]

Or you can pop [url= http://www.beanogas.com/ ]pills[/url]

[url= http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fart_lighting ]Combustion [/url]is always an option/threat

I once did a fart in a Barnes and Noble bookshop in New York that was so loud and powerful that;

a) I moved forwards some considerable distance

Are you sure that you didn't just blow the book shelves backwards some considerable distance?

Of course they're blaming a military jet but we know it was the toast and pate;

[url= http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-17697328 ]http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-17697328[/url]

I blame gravity - Roll out of bed, shuffle to bathroom BRAAAPPPP, ahhhh

And what is it with bookshops, I have to constantly change isles to avoid the ever spreading no-go zone. I think it has to be the pleasurable calming effect of all those books.

Seriously can't stop laughin in the office at the moment.... people are watching me...

[img] [/img]

Possibly Binners House..

[i]I have to constantly change isles to avoid the ever spreading no-go zone[/i]

speed boat on permanent standby, eh 😉

[img] [/img]

JonBoy - that hippopotamus has me crying with laughter.

JonBoy - that hippopotamus has me crying with laughter

+1

JonBoy. That hippo clip is FUNNY. What made it for me is contrast between us two ends. The front end is nonchalantly sniffing and grazing. The back end is in absolute chaos with crap flying and spinning all over to the sound of a petrol chainsaw. Brilliant. I am in tears.

It's the squeak at the end that does it for me. After the drama it seems like the polite way to finish.

The hippo vid deserves a bump, it's epic