I'm not one for posting on here very often but as the title says i'm in quite a bad place right now. My mates are close which is good. One thing is playing on my mind, the wealth of STW knowledge i know can help. Bacic position, GF was looking for commitment, I didn't give it, I know realise what I have done! How do you recover the situation??? I'm stuck.
Didn't give it or didn't/don't want to give it?
Ask yourself what you REALLY want (not just think you want in an emotional state on a Saturday night), then go out and get it!
Sorry to sound simplistic, but that's the way it is... Spend a little time deciding what's right for you, then do what you need to do to make it happen. If that's getting back with this girl, then it's probably going to involve some grovelling, but that's life! 😉
depends do you want to commit?? If so its grovel time or explain that you really didnt understand how much she really ment to you ( which its clear she still does) I did this with a girl once were apart three months or so..now married with two kids!!! 😆
or get lashed buy bike bits and hit the trails.... 😈
Engaugement or to me commitment never realy ment anything to me, but now it appears obvious it did to someone else. I was quite happy where I was, this is my down fall. I think I know what I need to do, but putting it into practice is a different story. Really dont know how to broach the subject.
Talk talk and then talk some more.
she'll be back
I think I know what I need to do, but putting it into practice is a different story. Really dont know how to broach the subject.
What is it then, that you think you need to do ? If it's to go after her, then just do it.
btw : "GF was looking for commitment" is a pretty fair demand imo.
if you can't talk to her about it then maybe it's for the best, try letting her know how you feel, Having a partner you can talk to about anything is everything!
How long do you leave it??? It's difficult for me to get my thoughts accross and heard.
Fact is, if you can't give commitment (whatever that was to her, marriage? living together?) to someone, they can't mean that much to you.
You really need to ask yourself - am I upset because "she has gone" or am I upset because "she is gone and that leaves me on my own"?
Some relationships look great on paper/feel great at the time, but if you both have differing ideas regarding long term plans (or lack of them) then it's gonna start falling apart.
You can't always tell when someone is the right person, but you do know when they are not. Guess she realised that waiting around for someone who couldn't give her what she needed meant they weren't the right one.
If you honestly want it to work with her, you're gonna have to put some serious effort in right now, take the plunge and get it sorted. But if the thought of that makes you feel a little empty inside then it's probably better she's gone.
Hope things work out for the best for you both. 🙂
You don't leave it any time at all ffs ! .............just don't do it if you've been drinking.
Oooh maybe monday, did she leave any stuff or did she cart ot all out with her?
Buy her a puppy.
Sleep on it. It'll feel different in the morning.
cinnamon-girl gives good advice .. id go for the talking option mate
after a good nights kip! good luck
If you can get past the initial shock, and consider if you REALLY want to make a go of it, it'll be time well spent.
I know it feels so hard at first but its so easy to hate being alone and agree to anything. If you do that and its not what you really want, it won't last.
good luck whatever you decide
if you can't give commitment to someone, they can't mean that much to you.
That's not true imo. Sometimes it doesn't occur to a man that a woman wants a commitment, it doesn't mean they don't care though. And anyways, maybe Autoelec is prepared to make one now.
Don't knock being single for a while 😉
littlegirlbunny - nail on the head, I have realised what i want. If someone has decided to leave, how do you get them back. I don't want to crowd/hassle her with phone calls & texts but I also don't want her to think I don't care, which I do A LOT.
Phone her. Meet up tomorrow and talk talk talk.
What does she want from you? Marriage? Or just for you to say 'lets try and make this work long term?
If it's marriage then that's an easy one - you go, get a ring and follow her round on one knee until she puts it on 😉
If it's the latter, then you'll just have to keep trying I'm afraid. If it's gonna work out she'll listen because she must be feeling as bad as you do right now.
How long have you known she wants commitment? A while, or just as she walked out the door?
No don't hassle or crowd her, stay cool - she will be in emotional turmoil herself. But don't leave it too long. Not knowing your circumstances it difficult to know your best options for making contact. But however you do it, make it low key, don't give her heavy emotions, make the meeting light and fun, but also make it clear that you care deeply for her. imho
Littlebunnygirl- marrage, she's hinted for quite a while, my bumd ass didn't do anything about it. What I don't want is the gut wrenching feeling of rejection , if its gone that far. But eight years is a long time.
I wish i could help but i can barely keep hold of the love of my life as it is..
And that's myself.
What I don't want is the gut wrenching feeling of rejection
which is hardly reason enough to continue, even if it were possible...
If you're certain Autoelec, a text message is good as she doesn't have to respond if she doesn't want to - so it doesn't place undue pressure on her. But nothing heavy make her feel that seeing you will be fun. If you want to leave it a while before seeing her, just text that you're missing her or something along those lines so that she knows that you still care. But don't bombard her with stuff, and don't panic - if it's been eight years, then [i]she isn't[/i] suddenly going to stop having feelings for you - they are still all there.
time to man up and buy some bling that isnt for your bike, or both maybe :wink:???
littlegirlbunny - sorry for getting your name wrong. I'm crap.
steve_b77 - clothes and stuff gone. Photos and other bits still here.
I broke up with my then girlfriend 3 months ago (5 years together), I felt how your feeling now and was sure that getting back together was the right thing to do! 3 months later and I'm happy that we broke up and realise it was the correct way to go as the relationship just wasn't working. I can only speak for myself, you need to think long and hard so you make the right decision! You and you alone have to make the decision to try to make up or break up. Remember she might not want to get back together. If you do break for good its not the end of the world and things get better. Good luck whatever happens.
Do you want to do lots of talking as much as you want her back? If the suggestion of sitting around talking for hours (not by any means a natural male arena), fills you with dread then let her go. Don't change your personality unless having her back means more to you than staying the way you are. She knew what you were like when she fell in love with you originally, why has that changed?
It's difficult for me to get my thoughts accross and heard.
Just write things down, and stay relaxed when you're talking. Easier said than done, but if you want it sorted, only you can do it. Good luck. 🙂
Don't take her back whatever you do. She's walked out once so she'll do it again and again and again. You'll feel just as shit every time
Go out, drink Absinthe, pick up a cheap slapper/hooker and enjoy.
When you're sober ride bike.
Repeat until you feel better (or contract an STD)
Buy her a ring, that will keep her happy for a few more years - did mine 🙂 time ran out and i had to wed her in the end though.
cinnamon-girl gives good advice .. id go for the talking option mate
And for every ounce of talk, about a pound of listen.
And be prepared to come to the conclusion that she's right.
"What I don't want is the gut wrenching feeling of rejection"
But you were happy to give that to her!
No marriage, no commitment, not even prepared to listen to her over the period she has been telling you something is very very wrong. If you get back together with her are you going to go on ignoring things she hopes for or that matter to her, because what you want is important and her needs aren't? Is the problem not loosing her, but having a bruised ego and a need to be the most important person and she just undermined that by leaving you behind?
You are even questioning how to chase after her - if you really loved her you would be off your bum and doing it, not looking for people to side with you on here. I think she has made a wise choice - if you cant be bothered about her future now, how much attention will you be giving her in 5 years time? How much effort will you bother to make with any kids? No wonder she no longer trusts you as you seem to love yourself way more you do anyone else.
All the best if it works out and she comes back as I like people to be happy, but I think it sounds like she made a wise decision.
While I suppose you could be right midnighthour I suspect that your post makes clear the real problem here - women don't really have a clue about men and visa versa...
Autoelec we don't really know a lot about your life but make sure if you commit you're doing it for the right reasons, if you haven't felt like doing it in past why do it now ? It's got to be mutual & almost natural.
Heard a line in film/book once, "what do you couples do after they run out of things to say to each other -- they get married", I know that's incredibly negative but whatever you do don't rush into any commitment & take time to reflect. A little time out now is not going to harm anyone in long run if she's the one for you...best of luck mate.
Just text her.
"what do you couples do after they run out of things to say to each other? -- they get married"
How many couples do we all know who've lived together happily for years, got married and split up before the first anniversary? I know of three.
Seen other scenarios too... a friend (lets call her 'M') lives with 'D' for years. They're happy, love each other, relaxed but M wants a sign of commitment, D won't do it. He doesn't see the point. Eventually this proves too much for M and they fall apart (relatively amicably). Within a year D has met someone else, got engaged and married.
She has given you 8 yrs and you've not taken the hint. She didn't get a response she wanted, so she did something about it. As hinted at earlier - are you gutted she has gone or do you think you can change and give her the lifetime commitment she wants and more on her terms?
She might think it has gone too far - as her actions hint at.
Sounds like she wants a baby to me.
Autoelec - how you feeling? Any news? Do things seem different today? 🙂
Not bad thanks, better than yesterday. Saw her this morning - which was good (at least she knows how I feel). I'm Remaining positive and realising time and space is good.
Space rocks. It really does. I reckon that's why I ride a bike a lot. And it's why I do it by myself all the time.
Buy a new bike then ride that...
8 years eh how old are you both then please ?
Agree with the mighty Samuri, space is fantastic. I too ride alone to experience the solitude... and also to avoid the humiliation.
**** it she left if she cares she'll be back if not then you'll find another. For now sit in the sofa, unbutton your jeans, hand down undies, cans of lager to hand, porn on TV.
Your friends are going to be handy now, this is when they come in best.
Sorry to be blunt but women who try to play on emotions aren't worth it.
Sorry to be almost nasty with this comment but I have been there got the t shirt etc
As my wise old Pa used to say
"do not look back it is not the direction you are heading in"
Not easy but once they clear out, says it all I am afraid to say and to be fair it does take some bottle for her, yes there are two sides to every dissagreement.
Whatever happens be decent and be a man
After being married for 13 years my ex upped and left ( I guess realy we just fell out of love with each othere), it WAS hard £80k and a divorce later I have moved on and much happier for it now, one day I may get the chance to thank her, but to this day I have never bad mouthed her, I would not wish her any harm. But alas she became a stranger who I no longer knew.
Do lots of stuff you enjoy doing. Go on a holiday with mates, etc.
If you still want her back after a few months, then try talking.
OP, knock her over the head and keep her captive in the cellar. With time she will be like a fine wine to enjoy and procreate with.
**** it she left if she cares she'll be back
What a load of nonsense Drac.
For now sit in the sofa, unbutton your jeans, hand down undies, cans of lager to hand, porn on TV.Your friends are going to be handy now, this is when they come in best.
But presumably friends will only help Autoelec have a w4nk if they really love him ?
Some women are very odd, requiring marriage as a "sign of commitment". Takes more commitment to remain with someone when not legally required to. But really is something you should have noticed earlier if that's the sort of person she is!
Some women are very odd, requiring marriage as a "sign of commitment".
In the spirit of fairness, it is not just women that can be like that. I know of at least two male friends that consistently scare off girlfriends by needing signs of serious commitment.
Don't forget. A woman has more rights if she is married if she is also thinking of children down the line.
Plus there are some peeps (both sides) who beleive in marriage in many many ways. Nothing wrong with that.
Strap a set on.
In the spirit of fairness, it is not just women that can be like that. I know of at least two male friends that consistently scare off girlfriends by needing signs of serious commitment.
Very true, I have such friends also.
[i]But presumably friends will only help Autoelec have a w4nk if they really love him ? [/i]
You seem very close to your friends there GG.
May I suggest flash grenades, dark clothing and a storming of someones rear bomb doors?
follow your gut feeling.i went throught a very messy time with a gf and we argued loads, but i wimped out a lot and agreed to stay when i should have mtfu and left. i couldnt handle the pain of being on my own so thats why i always wimped out and took the easy option.
now im married with kids to said gf and luckily it actually all works ok...just. sometimes i cant help thinking ...what if...
what ever you decide, be a man about it.sometimes the most painful decisions are the right ones..if thats the case dont be scared to make them...its for the best in the long run,if thats whats needed.
now im married with kids to said gf and luckily it actually all works ok...just. sometimes i cant help thinking ...what if...
Ouch - that gotta hurt. How do you stop the demons in your head from talking?
You seem very close to your friends there GG.
But not as close, as you apparently are to yours Drac.
[i]But not as close, as you apparently are to yours Drac. [/i]
I have friends. 😀
I have friends
.....ones which apparently "come in best" and are "handy" when you need to "sit in the sofa, unbutton your jeans, hand down undies".
Good for you mate .......... I'm open minded 8)
[i]Good for you mate .......... I'm open minded [/i]
So it seems. "But presumably friends will only help Autoelec have a w4nk if they really love him"
So it seems.
Is this a first Drac ...........that we agree on something ?
[i]Is this a first Drac ...........that we agree on something ? [/i]
Now you are being silly.
You don't realise how good being single and free to do whatever the fvck you like is until you get married. I don't know people fear being alone.
I've got a mate who's 39 and wallows in self pity cos he isn't married yet and most of us are now settled with kids. I keep telling him there's times when us married ones wish we were free of all the commitment and responsibility of being husbands and fathers.
Dialledmike. I have female friends in their mid-30's pretty depressed as they are approaching the age when only guys with baggage are available so can see both perspectives.
Of course, when drunk I have offered my services shamelessly for me to become a selfless Poligamist. Theres one female friend in particular (a Korean) who I would grin and bear to make everyone....happy
I reckon she wants marriage and babies, which is not unexpected for ladies. If her leaving makes you realise you want the same, then maybe sod the loss of pride: just get the ring, bended knee, beg forgiveness, tears etc. Right away.
BTW. [and this is a bit uncomfortable to ask] Are you absolutely sure there is no-one else on the scene? Because if there is, things are more complex.
buzz-lightyear - Member
BTW. [and this is a bit uncomfortable to ask] Are you absolutely sure there is no-one else on the scene? Because if there is, things are more complex.
Yeah, that's true - it's not that unlikely if she has been dropping hints for 8 years that the trigger for her finally leaving is actually finding another potential candidate.
Does happen, no doubt about it.
Jonnyvegas - she's 30 i'm 29.
The comments about a third party - unfounded, after spending a lot of time with her I know it would have been easier to tell me that than taken the route she has.
Bluto would say "my advice to you is to start drinking heavily".
chin up 🙂
If you don't want to marry someone (but are otherwise totally committed) and they run off because you won't, they sound totally selfish and needy to me! don't you want a partner who respects what you want too?
I stuck with my ex for about 5yrs longer than I should have really. In the process she took me down with her and I started to seriosuly doubt a few things about myself. Eventually it reached a head and it fell apart. At the time I felt liberated on one hand and lonely on the other. 3 months later I felt like a new person and was enjoying life fully again. I met a girl at that point but didn;t want a gf at the time so said I'd keep in touch. We got married in march this year and life is tops. That wasn't my plan, sh1t happens sometimes for the good ....
NZCol, thats beautiful. Sometimes though the guy is at fault. Likes being stuck in a rut and when the girl shakes this apathy he starts to feel threatened and resents the girl, putting the blame firmly at her door. OP is this you???
GW - MemberIf you don't want to marry someone (but are otherwise totally committed) and they run off because you won't, they sound totally selfish and needy to me! don't you want a partner who respects what you want too?
Works both ways....and it's one of those things where I think it's unfair to blame either party (i.e. the one who doesn't want to commit and the one who feels the need to be married). Neither can help the way they feel and neither would be 'at fault' or a 'worse person' for choosing to end the relationship because of it. Just my opinion, of course.
LittleBunny has a very good point of view.