....
it was suggested to me, this evening as I was on my way out of the door of [i]her[/i] house, that perhaps it's in our daughter's best interest if I [i]do not[/i] call to say goodnight on the days when I don't have her.
What?
Totally wrong moment to make that suggestion.
On what information is this suggestion based?
Easier for [i]her[/i] to live with as she is the main carer five nights a week.
Happened only an hour ago, so still reeling.
No further discussion was entered into as the time and place were not right.
Will be seeking further advice over the next couple of days, but it doesn't sound like my request for [i]her[/i] agreement to a Parental Rights and Responsibilities signature will be offered anytime soon.
Have any of those in a similar situation heard the like before?
I mean, we're getting on [i]okay[/i], perhaps at the stage where there's a fragile peace, but still...
My standard response in my situation (sounds very similar to yours) is "Is that in our daughters best interest? She always seems so happy to see me?"
How long you been split up? If recent they get like that at first. Try not to get on wrong side of her because she holds all the aces. Just wear her down with how reasonable you can be, Keep pushing for what you want and she'll give in. My ex says If I was this nice when we were together she'd still love me LOL silly cow. Don't use your child in the argument but tell your ex you need to keep close.
Oh and if you're newly seperated & the arrangements are still new/fresh fight VERY hard for your rights/access now. I got what others would call very good access when we first seperated (still never enough) and Im glad I did, the precedent has been set now and as much as my ex suggests/implies I have less access the routine is set.
You'll find it harder to gain more access in the future once you've settled into your routine.
Echo what RaveyDavey says, you'll have to walk a tight-rope of standing up for yourself, and staying on the right side of her. They do hold *all* the aces.
perhaps I should explain that [i]she[/i] is a senior social worker.
Specialist subject? - Children and young families!!
She knows the system, so wearing her down will be very difficult. It took me just over fourteen years to wear her down enough to leave me(:?,) so eight months later, here we are!
A similar thing happened to me. I have my boys every weekend. Two weeks after my mum's funeral (early April) my ex 'suggested' that she has them every second weekend.
By text.
<massive_understatement>I was not best pleased</massive_understatement>
I can appreciate that she misses seeing them outside of school days and I might have listened to a more reasonable suggestion levelled at a more appropriate time.
Anyway, when I was next at her's I told her, politely to do one. She then criticised the boys' time at my house because, "they got bruises and scratches from playing outside."
40 minutes later, after I had detailed in minute detail the boys' various complaints about the levels of boredom experienced at her house whilst she played video games and watched TV as well as a host of other shortcomings and she'd become extremely upset I left, with my boys.
The next time I said that once a month might be okay. Since then she has seemingly totally changed her attitude towards the boys and engaged with them a lot more and started letting them play in the garden(!) May was meant to be the first month she saw them at the weekend. It hasn't happened; I guess it might not have been as important to her as she claimed...
(Sorry for venting on your thread). The moral? I'm not sure. To speak straight, look for acceptable compromise and things might go okay.
I'm not sure I could stand seeing my ex every day - i like to keep her space and mine separate for me and for the kids.
The important thing here is that a little girl knows that her dad loves her so how can a goodnight call reasonably be seen as detrimental to her wellbeing ? it seems that ex wives can be inclined to test drive all sorts of bollox in order to make life easier for themselves.Best thing to be is the cool reasonable one in this whole situation,just another thing for your child to love you for later.
[i]If recent [s]they[/s] divorced men and women get like that at first.[/i]
Corrected it for you
If you hate each other then all out attack is probably the best plan! But and I really mean but if you both have any feelings left for each other then use it to your advantage. In a bun fight in court rightly or wrongly mate you are ****ed! You'll be looking at once a week if lucky and no contact unless your kid instigates it (mum will ensure this doesn't happen) once she is over about 12 then go for it! Court will allow you child to make up her own mind but make sure mum not poisened her against you before that. Sorry to go on but had 2 lots of this shit and it can destroy you if you let it. DON'T
i agree it is a bloody fine line to walk. If you give in now the precedent is set. However make too much of a fuss and you risk being accused of being unreasonable. Please don't think i am trying to side with your ex. I have three kids and am divorced so know what you are going through, as i had all sorts of s***e from my ex. However maybe you need to play along with it to an extent. It hurts like **** when you don't see them and get to say goodnight to them. You say the break up was 8 months ago so things are still raw on both sides, but then does she call and say goodnight when you have your daughter? if so then you have that as a come back. if not then maybe agree to do it a couple of nights, but not every night. Sadly the law IS on the side of the woman (not being sexist, its what my female solicitor told me) and as such to an extent she does have the upper hand. However sometimes you need to bite your lip and play along, it may work in your favour (although i don't know your ex so can't make any promises). you are right to walk away from it for now. Good luck dude.
Mike T23 shes just nibbling your biscuit to see how you react,react wrongly and she will use it against you and remember it forever.
The child is your daughter as well, and both of you should have equal access, also keep a diary of events.
Always sad when kids are involved but there is hope for the future.
I was seperated from my two girls when they were two and one years old.
Lots of problems with ex wife's demands and denials for visiting etc. but
perserverance paid off.
Keep it calm and listen to what is being said and try and come to a decision that puts the child's interests at heart first.
I know how hard it is, believe me, but as time goes on , it does ease and can also improve.
It is a difficult thing to hear , but I have gone through exactly the same thing, but what is important is that when you do have contact, it is quality time.
I neither agree or disagree with the request not to call every night, but I do see the sense as unfortunately things do change.
Your daughter will still love you and indeed look forward to when you do call.
I found that kids just need stability and if that means their Dad calls on Tuesdays and Thursday or just Wednesday to see what they have been up to ( because that is what Mum wants )and sees them on Saturday and/or Sunday then they will look forward to it, if it is good time spent together.
Make plans to do things and stick to them...treat every day you see your daughter as an adventure and find fun things to do.
I found that in this case, absence truly makes the heart grow fonder.
I had problems and did not see my kids for two years as access was denied and made impossible at the time.
However , I eventually managed to make contact again and enjoyed a great, Although not perfect, relationship with my two daughters.
In fact, I used to take them on holidays on my own and have been snowboarding and scuba diving with them as they grew up.
The arrangements are not the most important details, what is important is that your daughter knows you both love her.
My girls are now in their 20's and I still have a closeish relationship with them both, it has been a long rocky road, but well worth the effort.
Good Luck.
Mikey
Mikey65 -
Speaks the truth!! Listen and learn don't make the usual mistakes and you'll be fine. Lucky you got a daughter she'll love you and keep wanting to see you. I got one of each my girl loves me and my son just loves my money lol. I love him all the same. She'll never ever stop you being their dad!! Just keep telling yourself that even when she meets someone else
I have no direct knowledge or experience of your situation, BUT I can imagine circumstances where your ex might have a point.
If you go round there EVERY night then maybe she does feel that you are invading her space / interrupting their evening routine. Maybe your visits cause some discussions / ructions that she has to deal with after you leave. How old is your daughter BTW? Old enough to have a say in things?
Maybe your ex didn't put the suggestion to you very tactfully, but maybe she felt bad herself about bringing it up. How amicable have your discussions re' such things been in the past?
First of all you need to find out why she came up with the suggestion. Then you need to think about whether it was reasonable or not. Maybe there is a compromise somewhere, like sometimes you go round and sometimes you use skype with web-cam, or you see your daughter less frequently during the week, but for a longer period when you do see her.
Don't get mad, just keep thinking about the options.
Very wise words from RaveyDavey, wavydave, Mikey65 & Rightplace nothing more to add apart from when your kid gets older you will be able to contact them my text and mobile.
Keeping calm is the main task for you!!
I'm still married to a S.W. also children & young families. 'Keep your enemies close' and all that 🙂 I reckon she's button pushing. S.W.'s are a funny set and in my experience have only become S.W.'s because of something that has happened to them.
Ride the storm dude, your kids know you love them.
UPDATE:
Kept calm, and called her when I knew little one would be sleeping.
Kept calm during the 'discussion', and established some guidelines within which calls and visits are perfectly acceptable.
So, fragility reigns. Hurrah!
Thanks for your viewpoints, fellas. They are much appreciated, honestly. 'Tis a lonely place, this situation, at times.
Roll on the new chapter.
Cheers
What is her motivation?
I guess there are many possible reasons to change the status quo. Is it one of them or a combination?
BTW. Sorry that you are separated from them. I can only guess how horrible that must feel.
It only feels horrible in terms of being apart from daughter, Buzz.
Don't miss her mum as much as I thought I did any more - a sign of green shoots? Here's hoping.
Anyway, motivation?
Understandably, it's to avoid confusion/excitement in the wee one at a time of night when she should be winding down for bed/sleep.
We tend to have a giggle (she'll be six in August), and her mum is left with the energised consequences.
If I make my calls around tea-time, that should be easier.
Good news, well done 🙂
Ride the storm dude, your kids know you love them.
Right on!
glad you got it sorted. Hopefully it will get easier for you all as time passes.
Hell, well done fella. I can't be of any help (not divorced and useless at dealing with angry people) but good luck.
Hey, I was right - I'll go and make a note in my diary.
Best of luck Mike.
