[Closed] Nightmare teenage daughter

Grit teeth. MTFU.

My mate's daughter's just started with this, same age - up until last year she was the model child. Now she's just a little $h!t. She'll grow out of it. When she's about 16.

[i]Is there an end in sight?[/i]

parents with older children tell me by the time they're 23 it's usually all settled down again.

My son is 16 and approaching gcse's in the Spring. We're taking the approach of 'if we can just get him to do some revision we'll put up with the attitude and language'. Tbh, he's not going out and drinking etc just being an arse at home.

I'd just buy some really good noise cancelling headphones or move out for a few years.

It's the bad language and name-calling directed at my GF that I find hardest to deal with. She swears like a docker. Never known anyone with such a bad attitude.

Could be worse, she could be pregnant.

violent. In and out of trouble at school, too. Usually for back-chatting teachers or fighting

Her dad is a useless ****er. Thinks her anti-school behaviour is commendable.

What kind of punishment regime are you / the gf running. I assume the naughty step is no longer in operation but you need to replace it with some form of structure (money tends to be the major motivator with teenagers). So what is the pocket money situation, what else are you doing for the girl?

She is docked allowance for every 'infringement'. The docked monies then go to charity at the end of the financial year (!)

Doesn't seem to be much of a deterrent as the daughter just has to do the sad, big-eyed thing at the GF when she needs a few quids.

mmm....offload her onto dad as much as possible...if not stay as calm as you can, be firm and fair....its a marathon not a sprint.

Doesn't seem to be much of a deterrent as the daughter just has to do the big-eyed thing at the GF when she needs a few quids.

So really there is no actual reprimand in place for her actions ?

There will be something she cares about or "needs" that the two of you are in control of, figure out what that is, and remove/restrict it when required.

The main problem will be not sticking to it when you need to.

Dunno, I wasn't bad as a teenager so maybe it's not relavent.

I did spend a lot of time arround adults (Sailing club, Mountainbiking*, working in a 'proper' summer job not washing up/waiting tables/supermarket), which I reckon gave me the perspective that the kids being tools at school and acting out weren't the 'grown up' ones, which probably made me act more grown up rathar than stereotypical 'teenager'.

*maybe not the most healthy, it meant I was in the pub on school nights from thage of 15!

You could just find a GF who dosent have kids, or problem kids.

Almost half the population is female, so its not like its hard to find a GF.

Dont make life any harder than it needs to be.

(unless of course you are a Single Speeder)

There will be something she cares about or "needs" that the two of you are in control of, figure out what that is, and remove/restrict it when required

That'll be lifts to/from places. Thing is, she'll just hitch-hike if we deny her a lift. Seriously.

Wise words, Trimix. However, this one's worth sticking with. And, yes, I do SS 😉

Is she just a textbook teenage daughter who's not had a useful father-figure around for most of her life?

I reckon this isn't far off it. My Ex moved out to BC Canada about 5 years ago with a guy (new husband) who could barely tie his shoe laces, that marriage failed in about a minute followed by a string of easy to push around boyfriends.
My daughter is now 13 and kicking off big time. Bunking off school, smoking weed like its going out of fashion (which it is of course), She even nicked her mums truck for a late night joy ride.

She has managed to maintain a straight A school report for this entire duration however which is re assuring but I'm still worried as you would expect. When I talk to her she is sweetness and light but I believe she gives her mum plenty of abuse.

Back to your issue though. Her dad needs his fortune telling. A united front from her parents regarding this would be critical I would have thought. I buried the hatchet with my Ex pretty quick once I found out what was going on

 

old, self-centred, selfish, ungrateful, unhelpful, rude, foul-mouthed, arrogant, argumentative, antagonistic, demanding

What's her STW User name? That could be a few folk on here....

old, self-centred, selfish, ungrateful, unhelpful, rude, foul-mouthed, arrogant, argumentative, antagonistic, demanding

Sounds like the worst version on Snow White ever!

 

That'll be lifts to/from places. Thing is, she'll just hitch-hike if we deny her a lift. Seriously.

That's not "it" then 😉

Keep thinking !

There will be something she cares about or "needs" that the two of you are in control of, figure out what that is, and remove/restrict it when required

Is this just a generational thing?

For sure I had my moments as a child and probably a few when I was a teenager too. But growing up I did (and still do) have the upmost respect for my parents and would never dream of swearing directly at them.

What kind of punishment regime are you / the gf running

I haven't got older kids, but I can't imagine punishment works on older kids. It sure as hell didn't work on me. Teenagers aren't like dogs. Life is a hell of a lot more complicated than reward/punishment, at least in material terms.

Not only did it not work on me, I found it incredibly patronising, which just made things much worse.

Does she have good responsible moments? If so, maybe film her being a **** and play it back to her on the big telly so she can see how awful she's being.

Black bag, clothes, then show her the door. Let her stay with her ****less father. We did this with Mrs notlocal's demon. What returned after 2 months of shit food, and zero parental input, was a 180 degree turnaround in attitude.
It sounds harsh, but they soon learn that a clean, warm house and food that doesn't get cooked in its packaging is worth behaving for.

Is this just a generational thing?

Probably not. Her mum's an Oxbridge grad and a teacher. She does, however, have three older brothers all of whom are hardly... erm... role models 😐

[quote=Trimix said]Could be worse, she could be pregnant.

Tune in next week.

You could try rewarding the good behaviour, but access to cash will be a great motivator as will internet and phone access. Got teenage boys, the latter two are good levers to pull.

Have you got a cellar?

Has anyone gone with her to the doctors at all? It could be that hormonal imbalance is causing this to get out of hand.

Or she could just be a 21st century female teenager.

Honestly? Get professional help.

Ignoring her or punishing her isn't going to turn her into a good girl, it'll just make her feel more of a victim and she'll play up more. Contact some counsellors (CBT or PCC) and ask them to speak to you and your GF first, then get your DiL to go on her own to try to get her to understand why she's playing up. Getting her to go might be difficult, but you could reward her for going to counselling rather than punish her for being naughty.

Perhaps say that if she goes to 5 counselling sessions you'll take her somewhere (One Direction tickets or whatever it is girls listen to).

Sending her to her Dads ("as you can't behave yourself you can just go live with your dad"), could make things worse...if her Dad leaving is the reason she has behavioural issues, then 'sending her away' is possibly going to make it worse.

I say the above based on my experience only...I was a little shit in my teens.

Sweep her feet from beneath her and stand on her head?

Her dad is a useless ****er. Thinks her anti-school behaviour is commendable.

theres your answer, time for him to man up and be a dad. and you get a spare room for more bikes.

Have you got a [s]cellar?[/s] patio?

...do you want one?

(well it had to be said 😉 )

boarding school?

, self-centred, selfish, ungrateful, unhelpful, rude, foul-mouthed, arrogant, argumentative, antagonistic, demanding and violent

Sounds like she is on the path to woman hood.

[i]I haven't got older kids, but I can't imagine punishment works on older kids. It sure as hell didn't work on me. Teenagers aren't like dogs. Life is a hell of a lot more complicated than reward/punishment, at least in material terms[/i]

I don't entirely agree. At the end of the day reward and punishment is how society in general works. As long as you and your GF lay the ground rules clearly and stick with them I would think it would be a good deterrent. I would also look into some professional counseling too though to see if there are some underlying issues. Very often people are more willing to open up to strangers than they are to family. Does the school not have a social worker?

Good call, Roter Stern. Will look into it 🙂

Ditch the GF?

Problem solved at source

My daughter is now 13 and kicking off big time. Bunking off school, smoking weed like its going out of fashion (which it is of course), She even nicked her mums truck for a late night joy ride.

She has managed to maintain a straight A school report for this entire duration however which is re assuring but I'm still worried as you would expect.

Probably sleeping with teachers or faking reports - both are useful life skills - she'll be okay.

As explained, djglover, not an option. But thanks for your input.

Black bag, clothes, then show her the door. Let her stay with her ****less father. We did this with Mrs notlocal's demon. What returned after 2 months of shit food, and zero parental input, was a 180 degree turnaround in attitude.
It sounds harsh, but they soon learn that a clean, warm house and food that doesn't get cooked in its packaging is worth behaving for.

+1 for this. I got sent to my fathers at the age of 15. Ok it was in South Africa for 18 months. But I came home the complete opposite of the person I was when I went out.

Get her a Kevin & Perry DVD

self-centred, selfish, ungrateful, unhelpful, rude, foul-mouthed, arrogant, argumentative, antagonistic, demanding and violent

Tandem Jeremy back is he?

I am not a parent but,

the daughter just has to do the sad, big-eyed thing at the GF when she needs a few quids.

This needs adressing IMHO. If you're not both on the same page and presenting a united front, she'll play one of you against the other. Your GF needs to MotherTFU and tell her to jog on. Right now the obnoxious little bag of hormones knows that your threats are toothless because she can just go running to mummy.

Have you/ gf talked to her about it?

When you did, was it like a conversation between mum and daughter or between two grown-ups?

Suck it up. Had this for a few years with my GFs daughter. Now she is working and a real pleasure. I always supported her with problem teachers at school just writing her off but told her she was a shit behind closed doors. Be fair and reasonable and above all consistent.

You will get there in the end

Having been a nightmare teenage daughter I think thisisnotaspoon has the best idea - organised time doing constructive rewarding things with plenty of adult company

I wasn't really one for name calling but i was getting up to alsorts, to which may dad used to blow his top and ground me then give me a whole list of things i couldn't do - but never any options of what i could do.

She's at a weird age when she has grown out of all her toys and is now immersed in a world probably of girly gossip/boys/makeup and generally all things shallow.

Parents are no longer cool having become embarassing over night, so best to try and encourage her to get involved with other groups.

I would also look up the princes trust and see if they do activity holiday for like minded charming girls - my brother got sent on something similar and it really helped.

One thing i did surprisingly get into during my rebellious years was voluntary work at a local playcentre and that did give me a focus and sense of responsibility. but my dad put a stop to that too as he wanted me grounded for something.

needless to say to say i got worse and eventually fell pregnant - and he threw me out. the best thing that happened sorted myself out faster than you can imagine!!

My daughter is nearly 24 and teenage times passed relatively smoothly - but in one outburst she did scream 'I hate you!!'

To which my reply was 'that's ok my job is only to get you out of the door as a reasonably well balanced adult, whether you hate me or not during the time it takes to get you there is irrelevant'

She did accept that - thankfully!

From personal experience, just a wee thought.... what is her sugar intake?

Teenagers and proto-teens if allowed seem to try and live on a diet of energy drinks and sugary coated chemically reconstituted crap. This has a MARKED effect on behavior, basically you are going to get no sense out of a teen (not that there is much sense to get in the first place) that is effectively speeding it's eyeballs out on a sugar rush.

Couple that with the hormonaly induced trauma that is puberty and you are on a collision course with DEFCON1.

Noticed with the step son & daughter that they were fine in the morning but their behavior at school rapidly deteriorated after lunch... got printouts of their canteen purchases & you can take 3 guesses what the common denominatior was! They were both virtually mainlining cheap energy drinks at lunchtime, so cheap that you can add all of the wonders of e-number colours into the mix plus tartrazine (major culprit in all cheap fizzy drinks) - ye gods and our parents used to panic about us and bloody ribena!

Knocked the sugary crap on the head and there was a marked improvement in behavior and general demeanor at home and school.

Consequences / punishment have to be real as well, rewired their bedrooms so that the ring main supply (to the plugs) was on a separate MCB spur to the rest of the house (OK so I'm an Elec Engineer), poor behavior results in power being disconnected to the room ergo no gizmos, any portables soon run out of power - they have light but thats it. Wi-Fi router passwords are changed, any power adaptors found outside their room are similarly confiscated and hidden. Phones are taken off for MONTHS not days and the SIMS are removed and hidden separately. If they need a phone then they get given a 1st gen Digital Nokia brick with a PAYG sim. 😆

Just a thought....

At the end of the day reward and punishment is how society in general works

I don't agree with that. Very few people for example get caught nicking stuff from cars or smash and grab burglaries. But still most people don't do it, because they know it's wrong.

Although my daughter's only almost 4, we're trying to teach her to do the right thing because it makes everyone happy, not because she might get punished if she doesn't.

At the end of the day reward and punishment is how society in general works

So what happens before tea-time?

Wouldn't it be nice if those plug in Feliway things worked on kids.

Hope it doesn't last too long.

Tom B - I'm withholding my advice 🙂

Thurman Merman - Are you the guy having an affair with my wife, you've definitely got my stepdaughter. Blocking the internet, taking mobile phone off her (that one lead to the head standing), don't give her money. I've done all of the above as punishment for bad behaviour. All it lead to was: Stealing her sisters ipod and using that to access the internet, using her brothers phone to txt, stealing money off her brother. Which then leads to other arguments and punishment.

Yesterday's was laughing in my face that her mother had had an affair "you deserve it" and then saying "mum told me you've been having an affair for years" - no I haven't. So I cut short my visit with my kids and went back to dads.

Anyone else want to start a campaign to raise the age of abortions to 19years 😉

P.S. You will never, ever win. Your girlfriend will defend her to the death.

Cattle prod

Door slamming = 1 warning then door removed from hinges and replaced with a sheet .
Back chat or begging to be picked up later than acceptable = The pick up time will now be 15 mins earlier than arranged , more back chat , and the pick up time is now 20 mins earlier.
Phone to be left in 'communal area' after 10pm. She can take the SIM out so you cant see who she has been sexting all night.
Job list around house . Simple things but for cash rewards .
Stop cooking , cleaning , washing for her . No one wants to go out with a smelly skank.
Time clock on the router or set parental access if possible.
Forget reason / logic .
If its all getting shouty simply say ' I hope you have a daughter who is as horrible to you as you are to me'

nb . not a parent , so some if not all of the above might be nonsense. I would send them to work in a mill or foundry ( it might not be 1805 anymore though ) or bin bags of clothes on doorstep

I'll get labelled a tree hugger, but here goes anyway.

You both need to engage with her. At the moment she sees herself as worlds apart from Mum and every punishment just reinforces this view. There needs to be a mix. For sure withdraw privileges etc.. when she's out of order but at the same time try and find some common ground, just ten minutes a day chatting about shit can make a whole world of difference. I've got 2 teenage kids. We saw some of this behaviour early and nipped it in the bud with some TLC and some serious bollocking combined. All it took was a few hours sat watching some teenage shite on youtube and laughing together at it . Which led to some sharing of views and a bit of middle ground.

So what happens before tea-time?

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Essentially, she's absolutely horrid. The daughter, not the GF. 13 years old, self-centred, selfish, ungrateful, unhelpful, rude, foul-mouthed, arrogant, argumentative, antagonistic, demanding and violent. In and out of trouble at school, too. Usually for back-chatting teachers or fighting.

Apparently she was as good as gold until the hormones kicked-in.

Once she is pregnant with child, all will be ok, as she will then get a new house, lots of state freebies, and a child or two to play mummies with.

DavidB speaks sense.

Out of interest, why does she act up?

Having just had two and a half hours of screaming hab dabs over not done homework (funny that despite assurances that it was all under control all week, no evidence supporting the existence of any work could be found when it came to checking - maybe the computer accidentally deleted it like she claims 🙄 ) I can sympathise.

just been offered fortnightly psych sessions at CAMHS... we'll see if they can get somewhere with her.

It's normal! I was horrible too, she'll grow out of it by 20. Just ignore her, or engage her as said above. But honestly just remember, it's normal, it's not your fault, it will stop one day.

It's normal! I was horrible too, she'll grow out of it by 20. Just ignore her, or engage her as said above. But honestly just remember, it's normal, it's not your fault, it will stop one day.

^^^ this - the only thing worse than being my sons father would have been to have been my own father, my oldest's sons teenage years were hell but I guarantee there is light at the end of the tunnel, keep communicating & disciplining as reasonably as you possibly can & just accept that some days you will loose the daily battle 😕

not done homework

Please don't tell me you're sending your child to a head quack for not doing her homework?

To put your problems in perspective - My brother has gotten away with 5 counts of ABH, arson, theft, drugs charges, fraud and he somehow got away with a borderline firearms offense.

At school both of us were badly behaved, I never did my homework - I was continuously in detention for things like hacking the school computer system and releasing the master password to all my classmates - I once chucked a firework into band practice - I used a science lab alcohol burner as a petrol bomb - me and a few friends set fire to gas taps and also went awol on a trip to Italy. My brother always back chatted teachers (I was the quiet one that got into trouble less but into bigger trouble for stupider things).

I've got a decent university education and my brother is a chef in a top top flight restaurant, he's married and he'll be a head chef before he's 28 easily.

I've got four daughters and all have been nightmares at times, they do tend to play their mum up worse than me because I use the reward system mentioned above.

We live in the countryside they need more favours/money etc from me than I do from them. They don't try it on with me often as they know the system.

I'm fair I treat them as small adults and how I would have liked to have been treated when I was a kid (instead of being beaten needlessly every day). Good luck they do grow out of it eventually and calm down. 🙂

Well cant add too much to the debate. got 3 girls eldest now 20 complete nightmare from 13-19, constant trouble at school,police,weed,out all night tried camhs found that to be sh!! be prepared to walk on that if you try it,could well be a bad one we had, all of the obvious and more sensible advice helps one way or another. My eldest now 20 is now great (and 6 mth gone! ) middle 17 is ace, loves rugby doing well at school etc. has her moments esp if under the weather. Is the young 'lady'having any ongoing illness underlying this stuff. Turns out eldest had been quite ill throughout most of her 'rebellious/obnoxious stage' no connection ever made by gp etc but quite a coincidence. Any how good luck with it all it might not even last for ever. Vital to keep talking with gf and be consistent. youngest is 11 going on 13 😥 I may be back

I can sympathise. My daughter (whio is actually my step-daughter but from a very young age and and who has no contact with her father) was a lovely, funny, charming girl until she turned 13. She then turned into a rude, selfish, antagonistic bitch literally overnight.

We had that for two years and then it got worse when she started seeing a 21yr old dickhead without our knowledge. When we found out it got even worse. She messed up her GCSEs, got pregnant and various other things happened. Absolutely nothing we (or anyone else) tried made any difference whatsoever.

For complete unelated reasons we (her Mum, her brother, the dog and me) are now in New Zealand and she is still in the UK. She chose to stay with her then boyfriend (as she was 17 by then and we couldn't make her come) and now just wants to stay there, despite not being with him any more. She is out the other end now and we miss her like mad, saw her for a holiday in Thailand last year and will see her again when and if we move back.

We get on very well over Skype but she is her own person and has her own life. She's just turned 19 to give you some idea of timescales.

I dunno why people are hostile to counselling. No-one would criticize the OP if he was thinking about a nutritionist for someone with a poor diet or a physical therapist for someone who had difficulty walking.

Hint and tips from past experience..
1 record tantrum on phone, show to brat and threaten to post on YouTube..
2 feet kicked out from underneath and foot placed on head
3 headset crown race setter under chin and brat walked backwards out of room
4 tent in back garden for six months (yes really) with a Facebook page for the [i]tentdweller[/i] .. With rules of,1..when we go to bed, he gets out, 2..no knocking to come in til we're up, 3.. If rule 2 is broken you're not coming in for the day, 3.. If you no likey.. you fk'offee...
I am a right Nazi bastard 😀 and I'm the soft one..
Edit.. They should be put in work camps between 13 and 18 IMO...
Edit edit.. When we built an extension the builder had to dig the footings around his snow covered tent, they took pity on him and used to pass a bacon butty and a brew into the tent.. 😀

khani - did it work?

Yes 😀 thieving stopped, attitude improved, now at college doing sciences, and getting merits and distinctions with places offered at Manchester and Lancaster uni's..
Edit, and he says when he thinks about how he used to behave he feel like a complete ****...
And I should add that the foot kicking and crown race incidents were after he decided he was tough enough to have a go...

Having just had two and a half hours of screaming hab dabs over not done homework

I used to not to my homework. Strongarm tactics just made it impossible.

I had issues that went un-addressed.

If you no likey.. you fk'offee...

😆

Like your style, khani 🙂

From personal experience of having been a teenage girl, it's the quiet ones you have to worry about. I kept my mouth shut and was dead polite got good grades all through school, but was getting up to stuff that would have traumatised my parents had they known.

(I suggest crushing up contraceptive pills and putting them in her food by the way, if her mother doesn't have that one under control already.)

And molgrips, I feel I have to comment on your parenting strategy:

"we are trying to teach her to do the right thing because it makes everybody happy"

So you want to condemn her to a life of meekness, promiscuity and abusive boyfriends ?? Anything to please them, get some positive attention etc.

(I suggest crushing up contraceptive pills and putting them in her food by the way, if her mother doesn't have that one under control already.)

Excellent - I'm sure the level of deceit involved in clandestinely feeding your daughter prescription medicine will really build trust.

Errr.. Build trust?., or pregnant teenage strumpette in the house?
Get grinding... Stick some Valium in there while you're at it..

[quote=hels said]
(I suggest crushing up contraceptive pills and putting them in her food by the way, if her mother doesn't have that one under control already.)

😯

Is this kind of thing widespread (no pun 😉 ) ?

Errr.. Build trust?., or pregnant teenage strumpette in the house?
Get grinding... Stick some Valium in there while you're at it..

I think it's quite clear where your kid's apparent attitude comes from. Perhaps the problem's closer to home?

😀 I'm sure the op knows how serious I'm being...

Perhaps the problem's closer to home?

OMG! I'm reading this while listening to my angelic 8 yo daughter practice her piano lessons.

I'm now terrified of the monster that's going to be unleashed when she turns thirteen... should I just drive a stake thru her heart before its too late?

(ground up pill in food - I'm gonna remember that one though 😀 )

he'll be in Manchester or Lancaster soon...

Yeah. He's not the problem.