Suck it up. Had this for a few years with my GFs daughter. Now she is working and a real pleasure. I always supported her with problem teachers at school just writing her off but told her she was a shit behind closed doors. Be fair and reasonable and above all consistent.
You will get there in the end
Having been a nightmare teenage daughter I think thisisnotaspoon has the best idea - organised time doing constructive rewarding things with plenty of adult company
I wasn't really one for name calling but i was getting up to alsorts, to which may dad used to blow his top and ground me then give me a whole list of things i couldn't do - but never any options of what i could do.
She's at a weird age when she has grown out of all her toys and is now immersed in a world probably of girly gossip/boys/makeup and generally all things shallow.
Parents are no longer cool having become embarassing over night, so best to try and encourage her to get involved with other groups.
I would also look up the princes trust and see if they do activity holiday for like minded charming girls - my brother got sent on something similar and it really helped.
One thing i did surprisingly get into during my rebellious years was voluntary work at a local playcentre and that did give me a focus and sense of responsibility. but my dad put a stop to that too as he wanted me grounded for something.
needless to say to say i got worse and eventually fell pregnant - and he threw me out. the best thing that happened sorted myself out faster than you can imagine!!
My daughter is nearly 24 and teenage times passed relatively smoothly - but in one outburst she did scream 'I hate you!!'
To which my reply was 'that's ok my job is only to get you out of the door as a reasonably well balanced adult, whether you hate me or not during the time it takes to get you there is irrelevant'
She did accept that - thankfully!
From personal experience, just a wee thought.... what is her sugar intake?
Teenagers and proto-teens if allowed seem to try and live on a diet of energy drinks and sugary coated chemically reconstituted crap. This has a MARKED effect on behavior, basically you are going to get no sense out of a teen (not that there is much sense to get in the first place) that is effectively speeding it's eyeballs out on a sugar rush.
Couple that with the hormonaly induced trauma that is puberty and you are on a collision course with DEFCON1.
Noticed with the step son & daughter that they were fine in the morning but their behavior at school rapidly deteriorated after lunch... got printouts of their canteen purchases & you can take 3 guesses what the common denominatior was! They were both virtually mainlining cheap energy drinks at lunchtime, so cheap that you can add all of the wonders of e-number colours into the mix plus tartrazine (major culprit in all cheap fizzy drinks) - ye gods and our parents used to panic about us and bloody ribena!
Knocked the sugary crap on the head and there was a marked improvement in behavior and general demeanor at home and school.
Consequences / punishment have to be real as well, rewired their bedrooms so that the ring main supply (to the plugs) was on a separate MCB spur to the rest of the house (OK so I'm an Elec Engineer), poor behavior results in power being disconnected to the room ergo no gizmos, any portables soon run out of power - they have light but thats it. Wi-Fi router passwords are changed, any power adaptors found outside their room are similarly confiscated and hidden. Phones are taken off for MONTHS not days and the SIMS are removed and hidden separately. If they need a phone then they get given a 1st gen Digital Nokia brick with a PAYG sim. 😆
Just a thought....
At the end of the day reward and punishment is how society in general works
I don't agree with that. Very few people for example get caught nicking stuff from cars or smash and grab burglaries. But still most people don't do it, because they know it's wrong.
Although my daughter's only almost 4, we're trying to teach her to do the right thing because it makes everyone happy, not because she might get punished if she doesn't.
At the end of the day reward and punishment is how society in general works
So what happens before tea-time?
Wouldn't it be nice if those plug in Feliway things worked on kids.
Hope it doesn't last too long.
Tom B - I'm withholding my advice 🙂
Thurman Merman - Are you the guy having an affair with my wife, you've definitely got my stepdaughter. Blocking the internet, taking mobile phone off her (that one lead to the head standing), don't give her money. I've done all of the above as punishment for bad behaviour. All it lead to was: Stealing her sisters ipod and using that to access the internet, using her brothers phone to txt, stealing money off her brother. Which then leads to other arguments and punishment.
Yesterday's was laughing in my face that her mother had had an affair "you deserve it" and then saying "mum told me you've been having an affair for years" - no I haven't. So I cut short my visit with my kids and went back to dads.
Anyone else want to start a campaign to raise the age of abortions to 19years 😉
P.S. You will never, ever win. Your girlfriend will defend her to the death.
Cattle prod
Door slamming = 1 warning then door removed from hinges and replaced with a sheet .
Back chat or begging to be picked up later than acceptable = The pick up time will now be 15 mins earlier than arranged , more back chat , and the pick up time is now 20 mins earlier.
Phone to be left in 'communal area' after 10pm. She can take the SIM out so you cant see who she has been sexting all night.
Job list around house . Simple things but for cash rewards .
Stop cooking , cleaning , washing for her . No one wants to go out with a smelly skank.
Time clock on the router or set parental access if possible.
Forget reason / logic .
If its all getting shouty simply say ' I hope you have a daughter who is as horrible to you as you are to me'
nb . not a parent , so some if not all of the above might be nonsense. I would send them to work in a mill or foundry ( it might not be 1805 anymore though ) or bin bags of clothes on doorstep
I'll get labelled a tree hugger, but here goes anyway.
You both need to engage with her. At the moment she sees herself as worlds apart from Mum and every punishment just reinforces this view. There needs to be a mix. For sure withdraw privileges etc.. when she's out of order but at the same time try and find some common ground, just ten minutes a day chatting about shit can make a whole world of difference. I've got 2 teenage kids. We saw some of this behaviour early and nipped it in the bud with some TLC and some serious bollocking combined. All it took was a few hours sat watching some teenage shite on youtube and laughing together at it . Which led to some sharing of views and a bit of middle ground.
So what happens before tea-time?
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Essentially, she's absolutely horrid. The daughter, not the GF. 13 years old, self-centred, selfish, ungrateful, unhelpful, rude, foul-mouthed, arrogant, argumentative, antagonistic, demanding and violent. In and out of trouble at school, too. Usually for back-chatting teachers or fighting.Apparently she was as good as gold until the hormones kicked-in.
Once she is pregnant with child, all will be ok, as she will then get a new house, lots of state freebies, and a child or two to play mummies with.
DavidB speaks sense.
Out of interest, why does she act up?
Having just had two and a half hours of screaming hab dabs over not done homework (funny that despite assurances that it was all under control all week, no evidence supporting the existence of any work could be found when it came to checking - maybe the computer accidentally deleted it like she claims 🙄 ) I can sympathise.
just been offered fortnightly psych sessions at CAMHS... we'll see if they can get somewhere with her.
It's normal! I was horrible too, she'll grow out of it by 20. Just ignore her, or engage her as said above. But honestly just remember, it's normal, it's not your fault, it will stop one day.
It's normal! I was horrible too, she'll grow out of it by 20. Just ignore her, or engage her as said above. But honestly just remember, it's normal, it's not your fault, it will stop one day.
^^^ this - the only thing worse than being my sons father would have been to have been my own father, my oldest's sons teenage years were hell but I guarantee there is light at the end of the tunnel, keep communicating & disciplining as reasonably as you possibly can & just accept that some days you will loose the daily battle 😕
not done homework
Please don't tell me you're sending your child to a head quack for not doing her homework?
To put your problems in perspective - My brother has gotten away with 5 counts of ABH, arson, theft, drugs charges, fraud and he somehow got away with a borderline firearms offense.
At school both of us were badly behaved, I never did my homework - I was continuously in detention for things like hacking the school computer system and releasing the master password to all my classmates - I once chucked a firework into band practice - I used a science lab alcohol burner as a petrol bomb - me and a few friends set fire to gas taps and also went awol on a trip to Italy. My brother always back chatted teachers (I was the quiet one that got into trouble less but into bigger trouble for stupider things).
I've got a decent university education and my brother is a chef in a top top flight restaurant, he's married and he'll be a head chef before he's 28 easily.
I've got four daughters and all have been nightmares at times, they do tend to play their mum up worse than me because I use the reward system mentioned above.
We live in the countryside they need more favours/money etc from me than I do from them. They don't try it on with me often as they know the system.
I'm fair I treat them as small adults and how I would have liked to have been treated when I was a kid (instead of being beaten needlessly every day). Good luck they do grow out of it eventually and calm down. 🙂
Well cant add too much to the debate. got 3 girls eldest now 20 complete nightmare from 13-19, constant trouble at school,police,weed,out all night tried camhs found that to be sh!! be prepared to walk on that if you try it,could well be a bad one we had, all of the obvious and more sensible advice helps one way or another. My eldest now 20 is now great (and 6 mth gone! ) middle 17 is ace, loves rugby doing well at school etc. has her moments esp if under the weather. Is the young 'lady'having any ongoing illness underlying this stuff. Turns out eldest had been quite ill throughout most of her 'rebellious/obnoxious stage' no connection ever made by gp etc but quite a coincidence. Any how good luck with it all it might not even last for ever. Vital to keep talking with gf and be consistent. youngest is 11 going on 13 😥 I may be back
I can sympathise. My daughter (whio is actually my step-daughter but from a very young age and and who has no contact with her father) was a lovely, funny, charming girl until she turned 13. She then turned into a rude, selfish, antagonistic bitch literally overnight.
We had that for two years and then it got worse when she started seeing a 21yr old dickhead without our knowledge. When we found out it got even worse. She messed up her GCSEs, got pregnant and various other things happened. Absolutely nothing we (or anyone else) tried made any difference whatsoever.
For complete unelated reasons we (her Mum, her brother, the dog and me) are now in New Zealand and she is still in the UK. She chose to stay with her then boyfriend (as she was 17 by then and we couldn't make her come) and now just wants to stay there, despite not being with him any more. She is out the other end now and we miss her like mad, saw her for a holiday in Thailand last year and will see her again when and if we move back.
We get on very well over Skype but she is her own person and has her own life. She's just turned 19 to give you some idea of timescales.
I dunno why people are hostile to counselling. No-one would criticize the OP if he was thinking about a nutritionist for someone with a poor diet or a physical therapist for someone who had difficulty walking.
Hint and tips from past experience..
1 record tantrum on phone, show to brat and threaten to post on YouTube..
2 feet kicked out from underneath and foot placed on head
3 headset crown race setter under chin and brat walked backwards out of room
4 tent in back garden for six months (yes really) with a Facebook page for the [i]tentdweller[/i] .. With rules of,1..when we go to bed, he gets out, 2..no knocking to come in til we're up, 3.. If rule 2 is broken you're not coming in for the day, 3.. If you no likey.. you fk'offee...
I am a right Nazi bastard 😀 and I'm the soft one..
Edit.. They should be put in work camps between 13 and 18 IMO...
Edit edit.. When we built an extension the builder had to dig the footings around his snow covered tent, they took pity on him and used to pass a bacon butty and a brew into the tent.. 😀
khani - did it work?
Yes 😀 thieving stopped, attitude improved, now at college doing sciences, and getting merits and distinctions with places offered at Manchester and Lancaster uni's..
Edit, and he says when he thinks about how he used to behave he feel like a complete ****...
And I should add that the foot kicking and crown race incidents were after he decided he was tough enough to have a go...
Having just had two and a half hours of screaming hab dabs over not done homework
I used to not to my homework. Strongarm tactics just made it impossible.
I had issues that went un-addressed.
If you no likey.. you fk'offee...
😆
Like your style, khani 🙂
From personal experience of having been a teenage girl, it's the quiet ones you have to worry about. I kept my mouth shut and was dead polite got good grades all through school, but was getting up to stuff that would have traumatised my parents had they known.
(I suggest crushing up contraceptive pills and putting them in her food by the way, if her mother doesn't have that one under control already.)
And molgrips, I feel I have to comment on your parenting strategy:
"we are trying to teach her to do the right thing because it makes everybody happy"
So you want to condemn her to a life of meekness, promiscuity and abusive boyfriends ?? Anything to please them, get some positive attention etc.
(I suggest crushing up contraceptive pills and putting them in her food by the way, if her mother doesn't have that one under control already.)
Excellent - I'm sure the level of deceit involved in clandestinely feeding your daughter prescription medicine will really build trust.
Errr.. Build trust?., or pregnant teenage strumpette in the house?
Get grinding... Stick some Valium in there while you're at it..
[quote=hels said]
(I suggest crushing up contraceptive pills and putting them in her food by the way, if her mother doesn't have that one under control already.)
😯
Is this kind of thing widespread (no pun 😉 ) ?
Errr.. Build trust?., or pregnant teenage strumpette in the house?
Get grinding... Stick some Valium in there while you're at it..
I think it's quite clear where your kid's apparent attitude comes from. Perhaps the problem's closer to home?
😀 I'm sure the op knows how serious I'm being...
Perhaps the problem's closer to home?
he'll be in Manchester or Lancaster soon...
OMG! I'm reading this while listening to my angelic 8 yo daughter practice her piano lessons.
I'm now terrified of the monster that's going to be unleashed when she turns thirteen... should I just drive a stake thru her heart before its too late?
(ground up pill in food - I'm gonna remember that one though 😀 )
he'll be in Manchester or Lancaster soon...
Yeah. He's not the problem.
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By a staggering coincidence, just now on the Daily Mash:
[url= http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/children-admit-to-being-little-shits-20080225750 ]How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child.[/url]
"we are trying to teach her to do the right thing because it makes everybody happy"So you want to condemn her to a life of meekness, promiscuity and abusive boyfriends ??
Holy cow you live in a very strange world.
I said do the right thing, NOT do what everyone else wants.. Jesus. Since when is being a doormat and a slapper 'the right thing' ?
Molgrips - I think she was referring to the "makes everyone happy" bit rather than the "right thing". Unfortunately the two aren't always one and the same.
Of course, that's aside from the intrinsic difficulty of "making everybody happy" and the moral and ethical quandries raised by doing "the right thing". Those maybe lessons for another day though!
I suggest crushing up contraceptive pills and putting them in her food by the way, if her mother doesn't have that one under control already
Cheers for the heads-up there Hels. I shall be onto that as soon as my girls get anywhere near puberty 😆
Molgrips - I think she was referring to the "makes everyone happy"
She assumed I meant making other people happy one at a time, at the expense of your own happiness. Which is a rather odd conclusion to jump to - everyone includes yourself. Makes me wonder about some people's backgrounds.
But yes - 'the right thing' could be defined as that which makes the most people the happiest, but I understand on an academic level that's a fairly complex problem.
However when you're three, it's not. As she gets older I hope to have these discussions and more.
And don't forget the Condom Fairy, who secretly places a handful under Ms Atrisk's pillow.
(I suggest crushing up contraceptive pills and putting them in her food by the way, if her mother doesn't have that one under control already.)
I'm pretty sure this is illegal and would see you land a custodial sentence if found out.
All she need's is to have a piss test for whatever reason and the indicators that she is on the pill could be thrown up. Doctor - "Are you on the pill - our results have some odd readings - why isn't this in your records?"
Idiots.
She could also already be on the pill unknown to you.... What effect would doubling the dose have?
I think the problem is that the reasons for kids going off the rails and the solutions vary massively from child to child. Many of my friends growing up hit their teenage years, and embarked on campaign of drink, drugs, terrible, [i]terrible[/i] makeup, conning their way into nightclubs and acquiring boyfriends that were double their age. There were nine pregnancies amongst my peers from the age of 13-15 – with three abortions and the rest going to term.
One got pregnant (somewhat unusually) to a lad her own age – he told her that they didn’t need to use contraception because he was sterile (he lied). He then told her he would dump her if she didn’t have an abortion, then dumped her anyway the day after the procedure – so yeah, teenage lads can be a nightmare too. 😉 One girl got deliberately pregnant at 15 to stop her 26 year old boyfriend from leaving her. It didn’t work, and she still lives with her mother 17 years and four more kids later...
With the lads, the main issue was getting involved in hard drugs and violent/racist gangs.
There was no common ground, other than age – some were from single parent families, some from stable homes. Some had very laid back parents who just let them get on with it, others had parents that tried to reign them in. Some were from the top ability classes, others from the bottom. Some were from ‘rough’ estates, others from posh ones. Some had horrible stuff going on in their lives (mother dying of cancer, or being sexually abused), some had charmed, worry-free lives. Fortunately, most grew up into decent people and sorted their lives out by the time they hit 20...
She could also already be on the pill unknown to you.... What effect would doubling the dose have?
Nausea and vomiting, mostly, with a side order of excessive bleeding. It'd be a bit like taking the morning after pill day after day.
