[Closed] My wife has left me.

Sorry mate but you're coming across as a bit of a prat. You may be hurt and angry but if you want reconciliation you should just bite the bullet for a while.

Can't you see that she's not going to be interested in the likes of Relate with your current behaviour?

+1 druidh.

Now isn't the time to get into a fight, and using your daughter as a battleground?

Have a word with yourself.

Rubbish you have to stop with the confrontations, it doesn't do any of you any good at all. No booze in the house would be a good idea. If you need to speak vent or rant at someone then the Samaritans will always listen.

Your wife leaves you and takes your child and you expect a non emotional reactions.....really you expect to much Druidh
He has only got cross at the situation, insisted he sees his child and suggested that they go to relate...your are right what a ****ing monster he is

really druidh i have a great deal of respect for you but I think you may better help him by leaving the thread than kicking him when he is down.

using your daughter as a battleground?

You are right just let her take the child and dictate when or if you can and cannot see her 🙄 Who is using the child as a pawn in the argument here the woman who left taking the child, is refusing /reluctant to let the dad see her or the father who just wants to see the child?

You are lucky bastards that you have never had to "battle" with an ex to see your kids and you are not helping.
He has two things to cope with the loss of a wife and the loss of the child. How will the wife react if he just refuses to let her see the child from now on..oh yeah she threatens the police ...is that reasonable ?

OP you do need to clam down as getting cross, whilst understandable, wont help but you have every right to see your daughter and she has no right to stop you whatever some folk on here think

Not using my daughter for anything, I want to be with her that is all, please bear in mind I'm on a very very steep learning curve here and my emotions are running very high.

And there is no alcohol in the house now.

I really must eat.

The best possible outcome here is whatever is best for your daughter. Not suggesting I know what that is, but please do think about her interests over yours at each decision point.

Try to be as adult as you can, I know it's difficult and I know a lot about this situation...

If your wife has left because she regards your behaviour (ie not you, but the way you are acting...) to be a problem, then getting into a confrontation is unlikely to help.

Your mind will be all over the place, and you can't be expected to think rationally, but arguing and using your daughter is not a good idea.

I'm out now, but I would advise you to do two things;

1. Ask your daughter what she wants to do today, and if she says see her mum, arrange it now.

2. Phone your wife and apologise for your behaviour this morning, don't attempt to justify it, don't get into any more arguments today.

Good luck.

Woke up at 7am and was still as angry as hell, drove over to her parents to see my daughter, I got angry and aggressive.

All I'm getting from you is you are a VERY angry and aggressive person! No wonder your wife has left...

Put the boot on the other foot for a moment. Whatever is making you angry and aggressive (the booze, the stress of work etc.) and would you put up with the same if roles were reversed?

Didn't do myself any favours, but what the hell am I supposed to do in this situation, how the hell can anyone expect me to be calm, 24 hours ago I had a family, now nothing.

LISTEN to what people are saying. You NEED to back off for a bit, be non confrontational, clean yourself up and become someone that someone else would want a relationship with again.

DO NOT GET ANGRY... Your Missus is only acting in self defence, she's not doing anything to hurt you intentionally at all, she's protecting herself and her child from what she perceives to be the menace right now! You need to see that what you have done, and are doing, is not normal behaviour!

I'd also suggest if she checks her emails regularly, email her a link to this thread. She might never have had any acknowledgment from you that you think you've got a problem, so for her to read that you realise you have and have seen the need to do something about it (though FFS, you're not going about it the right way yet!) could really show her you do care.

That said, don't know your Missus of course, how long has she had to put up with you like this? Might of course be that this was the straw that broke the Camel's back, and you are just too late...

I dont think Druidhs come across as a prat at all.

The OP,S marriage is clearly going down the pan,

By his own admittance he drinks to much, admits he can be moody, works all the time,and hasnt had a family holiday for over 17yrs.

Put your self in his wife's position.

when she does see her husband he,s drunk or moody/tetchy

When he's not at home he's working. or on call 24/7 so doesn't relax.

Not the best foundations for a relationship is it.

She,s called round today and you've had a big kick off and insisted your daughter stays with you overnight.

Imo you should get of the internet, go and take your daughter out for something to eat before you faint, and make sure she has a lovely 24hrs with her dad.

Hand her back tomorrow with a smile on her face, go out on your bike, and forget about your wife.

On monday you've got to go to the doctors and start the first step in sorting your life out.

Get rid of the booze.

Eat some food.

And for gods sake book a HOLIDAY

Regardless of how you feel, now is not the time for anger.

MB

.

She,s called round today and you've had a big kick off and insisted your daughter stays with you overnight.

Junkyard - thanks for the heads up. I'll take your advice and butt out - for both the OPs and my own sake 🙂

Having been there the worst thing is not seeing your children [ resolved now] that tends to get an emotional reaction
I will follow my own advice and also leave

OP if you want to mail me its in profile

That's a horrible situation to be in. I totally understand that you must be living in a whirlwind of emotion right now. I don't think right now is a good time to make demands on your wife.
Remember that she must have built her desire to leave over a long time, day by day adding bricks of negative thought to build the wall that now exists. You won't knock that wall over through force of will, and you will never pursuade your wife to do the same. You must dismantle it brick by brick and hope that she sees your efforts and comes to help you. That will take a long time. Even if she can't help, you will be left with a smaller wall, to the benefit of all 3 of you. I wish you luck.

Spot on MB

...whereas, your post is helpful GW?

Well she's asked to take our daughter back to her parents tonight, given the advice above I've agreed without much fuss, I guess it's a start.

She still is very determined it's over, the brick wall approach in richpenneys post makes a lot of sense.

Good call mate,i bet you are pretty down/angry but being reasonable with help with communication further on down the line.

The anger is subsiding, being with my daughter all afternoon has helped.

I would echo what everyone else has said. I have 2 young girls and I do feel for you, made me sad to read it. I would add though that you have to accept that you are not going to fix this straight away which is your knee jerk reaction. You want things back like they were (or how you thought they were)...No amount of begging or shouting will fix this You have to accept that whatever happens is going to take a bit of time. Im sure it's hard but you need to be on your very best behaviour for so many reasons, show your daughter, wife and everyone else the best man you can be, and stick with it. tall order im sure, good luck.

Good on yer.

Take your daughter back and give the wife some flowers and an apology, then leave and start getting yourself together.

Two things can happen; you can get back together or stay seperated, but either way you have to get your act together, and I hope it goes ok.

Its all very strange, I'm going from positive to negative and back again, pacing round and around the room.

I would try to sit down and write your wife a short letter, and I would say that you are very upset and hurt and that however things work out, you will try your best to be adult and sensible about things.

I would also address the issue of finance; I don't know your situation, but does she have access to money both for her and for your daughter?

If not, you need to set up some form of paying her, and do set it up, don't say 'I'll give you some', make sure she has access to it.

Things will be raw and painful for a while, this gives you lots of time to think.

Time to think can be bad as well as good...

Don't get to the point where you think the best thing to do is attempt to harm yourself; it doesn't solve anything.

Don't get pissed.
Don't sit and stew.
Do try to be productive or failing that go out for a long walk and let the anger and stress subside a bit.

Again; it all takes time to settle, so get your head around using the time to be a better person.

From bitter experience if she is already controlling your access to your daughter, refusing mediation being generous with money wont make any difference.

She will expect you to pay for sure [ she will be aware of your responsibilities towards her and the child but not necessarily hers towards you and the child]. Being over generous at the start helped me not one bit tbh in terms of seeing my kids which was all that mattered to me.

There are on line CSA calculators to work out what you should pay..they are based on overnight contact though.

Oi - junkyard!!!

Junkyard - Member
I will follow my own advice and also leave

Junkyard, I feel like we are representing different sides of the same coin; the best advice probably lies somewhere inbetween us.

I see that at the moment, all is not lost. Maybe that's too optimistic.

And there is no alcohol in the house now.

Well done, and as much as some of the advice on here may appear to be from 'Internet randoms', much of it appears worth reading and is worth listening to

I also can't imagine what I would do in this situation but I can also see from the point of view of your wife, she has taken a decision to split her family that must have been incredibly difficult and painful and may have taken years to come to. She is unlikely to just reverse that decision in an instant so it may be worth not asking her to quite yet.

I think I'm a bit more crikey than junkyard but I've never been through it so don't know

Its all very strange, I'm going from positive to negative and back again, pacing round and around the room.

Ok, that will be the Denial bit, that's only the first stage

Possibly I have no idea re getting back together but that is down to the OP/her.

However what gives a woman the right to walk out and then stop him having overnight stops with his child?
in what way is this reasonable ?

How would she react if he took the child to his mums and told her she could not have her overnight in the family home...oh yes she would call the police.

Its hard to be reasonable when someone is being unreasonable OP but good luck

Just a hug from me. That sounds horrible.

Please stop drinking. There are some people who just turn into something else on alcohol. My ex used to drink, get grumpy then nasty and then would behave as though nothing had happened in the morning. Even if you know (or hope) they don't mean it it gets you down eventually. And telling me that it was because we were close that he'd lash out was not (as I realised after years of feeling crushed) a compliment. It just made me miserable.

Everyone is different but if you're 'moody' when you drink, it's best avoided because you lose perspective on yourself and maybe don't realise how you come across.

Lots of people have said what to do on here. You've got to find a load of strength to do it. All the best.

Very sad situation for all concerned.

If the OP has been drinking a lot is a complete stop a good idea?

I think you've done really well to agree without much fuss. Remember as well that at this moment in time she will be absolutely determined that it's over. She has to be, because it could be the biggest decision of her life. Good news is that her feelings are not set in stone so don't treat them as much. I would see this as a massive wake up call, see where you can make improvements in your life and get help towards those aims.

The wife has picked our daughter up, I was calm and polite no snide remarks, I think I may have smiled but I'm not sure, I asked her was it just the drinking or had she gone off me, she said the drinking and a couple of broken promises I had made, but she didn't say she had gone off me, although yesterday she was saying I don't love you in the right way anymore, but yesterday we both said a lot of things.

I told her that I wanted to prove to her that I can be sober but didn't make any mention of trying to get back with her, as per the above advice I'm going to play the long game, she's coming back in the morning so I can have my daughter for half the day, hopefully I may find it in me to have a ride in the afternoon.

Anyway pizza ready to go in the oven and a bottle of bitter lemon chilling in the fridge, here's to the first night of sobriety for a while.

I'm not looking forward to going to bed though.

Think why you are doing it and nothing will be harder than the first night
Good luck and MTFU [ said in a nice supportive STW way]

Anyway pizza ready to go in the oven and a bottle of bitter lemon chilling in the fridge, here's to the first night of sobriety for a while.

Take it all one step at a time, you sound like you're doing the right things, in the right way, which is impressive enough given what you're going through.

You're right to take a longer term view because the situation hasn't just sprung up, so it will take time to fix.

Even if the worst happens, if she decides that she can't live with you, it's important that you maintain your sense of self, that you stay calm and focussed and above all adult.

Your daughter will learn from this event, and if I were you, I'd want my daughter to learn that I was able to recognise that I wasn't perfect but I would do my best to be.

I hope things get better which ever way it turns out; I've been there and things worked out ok for me.

You drink to much,

you think you have to work to much to pay bills for stuff you dont need,

you have a token wife and daughter, you dont spare time and effort to share with.

Relax, chill, slow the drinking, drink coke orrange, talk to your wife, and book a holiday mow, for all of you, and say bugger work for a while.

I don't have a lot to say, however after reading your thread, my wife left me in my dream last night... i too was very sad.

Big manly hugs mate.

If the OP has been drinking a lot is a complete stop a good idea?

The obvious suggestion would be to wait until he has seen his GP and had the importunity to discuss whether he needs medical support to prevent seizures/complications.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19670554

Surely every addict to a drug seem to strongly and only think that it is not intrusive upon a friendship/relationship.

If you genuinely are not drinking to excess and causing upset then it's her that maybe has the issues and maybe you should regain strength and take your daughter away froom the troubled mother.

I only read the 1st post and couldn't be assed with all the chin up, go for a ride, and the rest of that garbage as worse has happened but you never know, it may turn out the other way in a few weeks time once she knows your aware of your drink problem.

😐

Quit the booze for 2 weeks completely at least, you'll gain a fresh head and a lot clearer perspective on things for starters. Do it even just to see if you can. 2 bottles of wine/night every night is 140 units a week. This could be the rock bottom/wake up call you need. Or you could of course keep getting pissed and depressed and go further down the hole, you'd be surprised how deep it goes! Pull yourself out now, only you can do it and I suspect you know what needs to be done.

onceinalifetime..shit advice mate, and if you cant be bothered to read the thread, dont bother commenting...

Rubbish this must eb so tough mate and fairly easy for most of us to offer advice. Tougher on soem I guess as they've been in similar positions.
What I'd say is get focussed on using your clearly intense love for your daughter to make yourself a better man. I'd leave your wife to one side for now mate, get off the ale, do the right things by your little girl, see her when you can, give her back when you have to, don't use her as a tool and make the most of your time together. Be polite to all involved and be grateful you're been given time with her. Start getting arsey and angry and you might just find your ex makes it much more difficult to see her. Whilst you're doing good things mate she probably won't make it hard for you.
I reckon if you sort yourself out and prove yourself to be a good father your wife might wonder what she's done. And if she doesn't - move on - but keep your little girl your lifes priority and prove yourself to all involved mate.
I've got a 2 year old boy and a 5 year old girl and they mean everything to me. For them not to be around me every day would hurt like hell but take stock mate and keep sensible.
Good luck mate.

I reckon if you sort yourself out and prove yourself to be a good father your wife might wonder what she's done. And if she doesn't - move on - but keep your little girl your lifes priority and prove yourself to all involved mate.

Yep, I'm trying to be positive as I said above she is determined its over so we shall see.

Nice to have clear head, bit strange but it seems to be helping with the positive thoughts.

Rubbish
I made myself very sick due to consistent heavy drinking, about 60 pints of lager a week, I dried out with medical help.
That was five years ago, after about 12 months of being dry my mrs said that just before I was sick she was seriously thinking about leaving me and taking the kids.
I have fully recovered from the illness and can honestly say I have not missed the beer. My 'new' life is far better than my previous, I was very lucky and I am grateful to the superb medical staff and my GP.
You have got to stop the booze mate, and you will need medical help. Once the medical help is withdraw,n you will be on your own, it's hard but achievable. Treat it as a challenge. You have to repair yourself before a you can repair anything else
When you are dry I can guarantee your outlook will change, life will become good again and hopefully your family will get back together.
Didn't really want to reveal this on a bike forum but if helps you it's worth it.

Good luck, get help!

Thanks for your honesty cheekyboy.