[Closed] My wife has left me.

I'm hoping the counseling (should it be prescribed) will help with that.

It will and it will also take months to work. In the meantime if your doctor suggests a pharmacological approach I suggest you listen to him. It may be of real value if you find yourself really low, where it can be hard even to motivate yourself to undertake CBT. The latter taking effort on your part as well as the psychologist.

You need to tell your doctor EXACTLY how you've been feeling, you'll probably be given a questionnaire at the end of your appointment which you should fill out truthfully as opposed to "manning up" and pretending things are okay out of pride.

Here are probably the two main treatment options you are going to come into contact with:

CBT - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy

In regards to SSRI's see -

(in particular table 2) and http://www.webmd.com/depression/ssris-myths-and-facts-about-antidepressants

As a final thought - you may want to go private if you have the money and find a really good psychologist, especially if you want to move things on as quickly as possible.

FFS....you don't need counselling, you need to pull yourself together, rather than rely on others to do that for you.

When you wake in the middle of the night and the reality of the situation invades your brain and you feel desperate......there won't be any counsellors around to ease your mind. Those are the worst times and you need to deal with it.

Things will improve slowly, but having friends around you to talk to are always better than counsellors. As bad as any situation seems, it will always get better as you adapt your thinking to cope.

Not sure that is entirely helpful or, more importantly, correct Rockape

(FFS)

Rockape - One of the great myths about depression is that you just need to MTFU. A friend of mine has a FAR better life since he STOPPED trying to MTFU about his issue and started taking medication. In time he'll come off it but attempts to do without or stop cold have been nearly fatal to him.

When you wake in the middle of the night and the reality of the situation invades your brain and you feel desperate......there won't be any counsellors around to ease your mind

Not good advice, Rockape.

Well I left the office to go and see my daughter as I new she would be with my wife at home and she was, which was lovely I had a chat with my wife and we spoke about the email, I suddenly realised that I was starting to badger her again so backed off, she is still bringing so much up form the past and adding it to our current problems and insisted she is never coming back, so there and then I let her go, although I said there was still a glimmer we could get back together inside me, but if she insists it's over then for the sake of my Daughter I have to go with her decision.

The papers are being drawn up and I believe her, she isn't saber rattling, in all honesty I don't think me being sober will even change her mind, if it does then great, but most importantly I'm going to be sober for my daughter anyway and my wife has promised me that as long as I sober up then access within reason will be unlimited.

We have now talked about the equity in the house etc, so it's moving on not in the direction I wanted but it's got to move on for everyone's sanity, I actually started to feel quite upbeat maybe it has clicked in my head that it's over, maybe deep down all I was mourning was the loss of my child and full time fatherhood, while this is true as long as I don't drop off the wagon, I will still see a lot of her, maybe, just maybe I don't love my wife as much as I thought I did, it's all very confusing.

I expect my mood to come crashing down again soon, I will add there is a lot more to the circumstances with my wife that I can't divulge as it will give away who I am, needless to say it is far from straightforward but could work out for the best.

God I feel drained after typing all that.

I'm concerned at the amount of relationships on here going down the crapper. Mine too is on extremely rocky soil at the mo. Have all the women gone batshit crazy? (present company excepted) or are we all just being more honest on forums like these?

I dunno what the answer is but I know it's not simple. Trying harder seems to be slowing the rot for me. Ride the wave long enough and you'll come out the other side.....

......(or get smashed on the rocks)

take care

Try and be cool and don't do/say anything that could spoil your chances of joint custody.....

I can't emphasise enough (from having worked in this area) that one thing that WILL affect your chances of joint custody is a track record of heavy drinking. Particularly if you are male. It's very wrong, but the stereotypical image of a heavy drinking male is someone who has the potential to become aggressive/violent, can be a bully, is bad tempered, puts the drinking first and therefore unsuited to caring for the needs of small children. Heavy drinking females are not that much different, but unfortunately the system has a tendency to see heavy drinking/alcoholism in women as a "cry for help" or symptom of stress/mental illness than an inherent personality defect, as it is seen in men. Like I say, it's a completely wrong way to view it, as drink affects women worse if anything because of their reduced alcohol tolerance compared to men, and an alcoholic mother is every bit as awful as an alcoholic father. I'm just warning you because I know the ins and outs of this stuff through previous work.

You MUST show that you are dealing with any drink problem that your wife may cite as a reason for restricting access or going for sole residency, whether that is evidence of seeing your GP, being on meds, attending counselling/AA etc.

You seem to not think there is any way out re your job and the demanding-ness of clients, but if you want decent access arrangements for your daughter, you need to sort it - sorry bud that's the truth, if you can't sort out an appropriate schedule where you can be there for your kid at certain times and not be called out with work (who would mind her if you were called out in the middle of the night?)then you won't even get overnights - frankly, because it wouldn't be in the child's best interests at the age she is now. If you want anything near to joint residency you need to fix both the drinking and the excessive working and show you can step up and cope with the demands of being a dad on your own.

sorry if I'm butt-kicking a bit, but I've worked in this sphere as I said and I know how this stuff works, and the system is stacked against even the most decent and devoted dads who have never put a foot wrong from the word go.

where you can be there for your kid at certain times and not be called out with work (who would mind her if you were called out in the middle of the night?)

I don't get called out as such, it's all telephone based I can do it from the comfort of my bed!

ahh I see - we cross posted there I think, good to hear she won't restrict access as long as you maintain sobriety. Better if you can work it out between yourselves, the family judicial system sucks for all involved.

She is aware of that, the only legal issue is the property, we will work out access etc between us.

Better if you can work it out between yourselves, the family judicial system sucks for all involved.

Rubbish, it sounds like you're doing ok given the circumstances. I've been following this from the first post and the change in you is very positive. Keep going buddy.

And if your clients won't cut you some slack then **** 'em. They ain't worth your daughter and your sanity.

we will work out access etc between us.

Wrong idea mate, get EVERTHING in black and white on the consent order.

Rubbish, Hope your mood is still upbeat and hasn't changed - you are doing really well! it sounds like you are accepting that certain things are final (re: your wife not changing her mind). This might be the case, but maybe not - all you can do is keep communicating with your wife and both of you keep your daughters interests at heart.
Keep drinking water/tea, eat regularly and stay positive.

Wow she must have been thinking this/planning for a while now. This isnt a bitter post but an observation.

Keep strong mate, we are all rooting for you. You have your priorities right; Daughter first and keeping on fair terms with your wife. Good luck fella.

Wow she must have been thinking this/planning for a while now. This isnt a bitter post but an observation.

How on earth do you come to that conclusion?

Hora - please for the sake of the op stay off this thread.

I hate cliche - but others words are betterer than mine:

If - you find yourself going through hell. Keep going.

It is always darkest just before dawn.

And best of all, for matters involving your daughter and confidence you must have in your choices:

Love is the answer and you know that for sure.

Well something happened tonight re the suspicion of her having an affair, I won't go into details as it doesn't put either of us in a good light, nothing to worry about though.

Roses lime juice and soda tonight, sober night number 3.

Still eating crap though.

Been following this from the first and rooting for you fella.

As for the possibility of your wife having an affair, may i recount my own experience - it may have some relevance or it may not, i don't know.

4yrs ago my fiancee walked out saying she didn't love me any more. I fought like crazy and eventually she came back to try again. Unfortunately for us it didn't work and she left again a year later.
Now, prior to the original split she had found some new friends due to her interest in Dr Who (i kid you not!) and had started to go to conventions etc with them. I was fine with this as she'd always had trouble making friends easily.
Anyway, after she left the 2nd time i found out she was seeing someone, although she claimed she wasn't seeing him at the time we split. Of course, i had my suspicions and they later turned out to be verified, but you know what - [i]It didn't matter![/i]

The hurt we did to each other was prior to that, and an affair is only a symptom, not a cause. If there is to be a future for you then the cause is important - not the symptom.

Hope i'm making sense here.

And remember, relationships can come and go but your daughter will always remain your daughter, nothing anyone can ever do can take that away from you so just remember that, going forward, there are two important people in your life- your daughter and you.

**** the rest of them, they don't really matter.

Well I have nothing of note to add, but in all the years of STW, and GoFar before it, I have never seen such unity & a culmination of good will toward the OP, well bar Horak's comments obviously (some things don't change).

Well done STW & good luck to the OP.

Cheers.

Well I have nothing of note to add, but in all the years of STW, and GoFar before it, I have never seen such unity & a culmination of good will toward the OP,

It is quite overwhelming, thanks to all for your support it has been fantastic, I still have a long road to travel though.

It is quite overwhelming, thanks to all for your support it has been fantastic, I still have a long road to travel though.

Indeed, & by the things you have hinted at & that you won't expand on (not that that's a bad thing) It's saying you are getting a grip on the situation, best of luck to you, it won't be easy so stay focused.

Having said I'd leave the thread alone......

rubbish - you've not let on where you are based (I can understand why). A couple of folk have already said they're be happy to meet up for a ride and I'd like to also offer some riding company should you desire it. I'm just outside Edinburgh and do both road and mountain biking. Email is in my profile.

Despite everything that is going on, it seems like you are making good progress and handling it pretty well. Well done mate. No MTFU needed for you 🙂

Thanks Druid a little far from me though, it's either MTFU or fall to pieces I guess.

I've kept away from this thread thus far as I've nothing constructive to add. Just wanted to say, I'm sorry for what's happened, sounds really crappy. Chin up, dude.

Roses lime juice and soda tonight, sober night number 3.

Still eating crap though.

I wouldn't worry too much about the latter. We all handle change in our own way, and IME you're doing just great if you make inroads in cutting down on the booze followed by improving your everyday diet over the coming weeks. We're not all designed to hit everything at the same time - some of us create change (even permanent change) over time.

Keep at it fella.

Roses lime juice and soda tonight, sober night number 3

GREAT news... Keep it like that!

Still eating crap though.

One step at a time mate... Nobody's gonna give you grief for that yet! You've got to focus on priorities, which it seems you're doing, your diet will get better as you become a bit more balanced I'm sure.

As for your wife, again I shall remind you, actions speak louder than words. Work on staying sober first, but if you do still want her back, you've got a few years of lack of romance to make up for!

I've kept away from this thread thus far as I've nothing constructive to add. Just wanted to say, I'm sorry for what's happened, sounds really crappy. Chin up, dude.

Me too and me neither but just want to echo Cougar's sentiments. Hope this works out ok for you. Sounds a bit of a shitstorm of a few days but things will get better eventually.

Rubbish, it's a tough road but it seems you are trying really hard. Keep up the good work - some days will be easier than others, but I am sure you will get there in the end. Don't worry about the crap food yet - one battle at a time and you seem to be fighting the good fight against the booze.

Take care dude,

J

Cougar and DD +1. All I would add is that it's well worth necking a vit-C pill with iron once a day to keep yourself in reasonable shape. The iron stops the vitamin from passing straight through you... Best of British.

Damn, lots of work stress and angst this morning as a direct result of some piss poor planning on Friday thanks to the bombshell that was dropped on me, I really all pent up with frustration, all of a sudden I feel there are loads of unanswered questions I want to shout at my wife, this is probably not a good state of mind as I will se her on work related issues today.

Oh and just so you all know, she is reading the thread.

[b]Oh and just so you all know, she is reading the thread...[/b]

Hmmm...thats probably not a good thing, although she at least knows that your intentions are good. I'd suggest dropping the thread now though...you've only got to write something like 'I want to shout at my wife'and she'll have it in writing for posterity.

Oh, you already did! 🙁

Nah she knows I'm not happy this morning, I'm trying to calm down by the time I see her, but there are a couple of questions that need to be answered, people are getting involved in this that really shouldn't and I don't understand why.

But that really isn't the root of my angst, I need to calm down.

Nothing wrong in wanting to 'shout at my wife'. It isn't exactly something that could be held against him and understandable in the circumstances.

Oh and just so you all know, she is reading the thread.

I was going to ask that last night because if she knows you're a STWer then you'd have to be pretty damn shrewd to cover what's going on in a post like this. That is, if you want to cover anything more than your username of course. Maybe you'll feel it's partially a weight off your shoulders now that she can see what you're airing/venting ...?

This is not going to end well...

Did you tell her about the thread or did she find it?

Does MrsRubbish have a login? This could turn into mumsnet.

Should you be airing your dirty washing in public so to speak, bizarre especially if your wife is reading this.

Yep she's reading it, so is her boyfriend, I played the long game and caught her.

She is cheating on me, using my problem as an excuse to get out and I have the proof.

Mods please feel free to lock this now.

sorry to here this man, keep your chin up, it will get better

I've been following this since the beginning as I am not far off a similar scenario. Nothing to add that hasn't already been said. All the best.

Oh and bigrich 🙄 nice one, well done.

Also been following this since the start. Really sorry to hear this development. Make sure you get out for that ride fella.

indeed. It's one of the best break-up albums ever written.

At least you know now and can move on.

But seriously make sure you have a legally binding contract regarding your access arrangements. A mate of mine has been screwed over recently as his ex has just announced she is taking their son 200 miles south. No matter what she says its just not going to be the same for him.

rubbish - Member
Yep she's reading it, so is her boyfriend, I played the long game and caught her.

She is cheating on me, using my problem as an excuse to get out and I have the proof.

What a bitch, not bad enough that she is cheating, but also want's you to take all the guilt for it as well. Chin up fella, at least it can only get better from here on in.

Best of luck to you.

Sui - 1, Doesn't help. 2, Whilst we would all dearly love to cast aspersions on all kinds of people, the issue is between the OP and his Mrs. SHE is the married one, not her boyfriend (well, he might be but you get the idea).

Its a familiar tale, I'm afraid. As I suggested earlier, its usually something like that that creates the split.

Years down the line from a similar situation, its difficult to blame one person or another.....its usually the result of deep rooted unhappiness in a relationship, rather than the actual affair thats the issue.

All you can do now is remain in control of your emotions and ensure you get access to your Child. Anger and frustration is obviously boiling up in you, but you'll be playing into her hands if you allow it to come out.

Rubbish, sorry to hear the latest developments. I've been lurking since the start and kept thinking that something wasn't ringing true. Hold your temper and do everything in writing from now on.

ABORT ABORT ABORT

This is too personal on a public forum and really wont end well.

Thread should be closed before any lasting damage is done.

Seems a shame as a lot of good advice being given but you need to be careful.

Why in the name of Christ himself did you show her this thread?! 😯

Very sad thread--- but if its any consolation thousand of others have been through it, you have chosen to use this forum to do it publicly, good intentions i'm sure , but for your own sanity take some time out----your daughter will be feeling very confused-- you must be there for her, she is the constant in your life-- oh and don't mistake causes and symptoms as some seem to be urging--- good luck fella