[Closed] My wife has left me.

Sorry Mate, but shit happens.

Get out on your bike tomorrow, whatever, and go for a long ride/think.

Sorry to hear that dude.

Sounds like you're finally doing the right thing regarding the alcohol. Maybe proof that you are making some progress on that front will give her a change of heart.

I do have to say though - your unwillingness to "take a day off", even for something like this, makes me wonder if you're really getting your priorities straight. I know that being the breadwinner puts you under pressure to bring home that monthly pay cheque, but sometimes you need to look at the whole family life:work balance and get a bit of perspective.

Jeez that is awful - honestly had a lump in my throat when i read [i]in fact she has left taking my young daughter to her Mothers[/i]

email if you need to speak to someone

she has tired of my drinking, I'm not abusive or violent but I drink too much (at home in the evening) I'm not saying she is wrong in that respect,

Well done Druidh, what a ****!

...whereas, your post is helpful GW?

Not sure what I can say that may help either OP. Keep busy and stay off the booze I guess, talk to her if you think it can be salvaged.

I do have to say though - your unwillingness to "take a day off", even for something like this, makes me wonder if you're really getting your priorities straight. I know that being the breadwinner puts you under pressure to bring home that monthly pay cheque, but sometimes you need to look at the whole family life:work balance and get a bit of perspective.

In all fairness you are not wrong, I haven't had a proper holiday eg. 1 weeks+ for 17 years or so, bank holiday weekends are nice but cost me lost income, but it's all down to me I've worked so hard just to be mediocre, but we have a nice house and cars and my daughter is such a happy soul and tomorrow she won't be there when I wake up.

I'm struggling with this thought.

lives short , we weren't put on this planet just to work , get ur drink problem sorted , tell her u love her and want her back ,, show her u mean it dude !!

Really sorry to hear your terrible news, I can only echo what else has been said here.
Well done with getting some help, try and find something to substitute the drink in the mean time I guess that as your on here you cycle, get out more even if it just for an hour or so after work.
It may be a struggle to get the energy after grafting all day at work but it will be worth it.

Good luck to you, hope you can find the light amongst all the darkness.

Not sure what I can say that may help either OP. Keep busy and stay off the booze I guess, talk to her if you think it can be salvaged.

Having a drink tonight, she even told me to, that said I really should eat. I went to her Mothers house after work and pleaded and pleaded with her told her about the doctors, not interested.

14 years together and it all seems to be gone.

Heart broken doesn't cover it.

My wife left me a couple of years ago citing my job as the issue. The reality was that was an easy excuse. At the time it felt like the end of world, then I got my head together and through all sorts of twists of turns we are now back together. My only advice would be to be true to yourself. Take care.

Having a drink tonight, she even told me to, that said I really should eat. I went to her Mothers house after work and pleaded and pleaded with her told her about the doctors, not interested.

Sorry to hear that, happened to me 6yrs ago my son was 4. If your situation is permenent (hope it's not) things will get better. My thoughts are with you.

Sorry buddy - I'm not trying to be hard on you, just giving you my thoughts rather than simply platitudes. Feel free to tell me to **** off if you'd rather...

While I don't want to dwell on the negatives, separation/divorce isn't going to be a cheap option either, which is why I think that some rebalancing of your life would be the best thing all round. There's no doubt that society pressures us into wanting "more" but sometimes that has a personal cost.

Is there no one who can take over the reins to (a) give you some free time to think things out and (b) give you time to deal with your wife? Maybe she just needs to see that you're willing to change a bit?

Ride

My sympathy you're in such an unhappy place but...
You also know what the problem is and it's 100% in your gift to resolve it...
You have your motivation to solve it (wife and daughter) so go and get some help if you need it, dig in and good luck!

I should add that I do get out and ride a lot, I even race occasionally.

Druidh, you are right but finding the balance isn't easy, nigh on impossible, for instance last night I was on the phone sorting a problem out at 10pm, than at 7am this morning I was on the phone again, my lovely little daughter just wanted to watch peppa pig on my phone, oh christ this is hurting so much.

I've worked so hard just to be mediocre, but we have a nice house and cars and my daughter is such a happy soul and tomorrow she won't be there when I wake up.

Take the weekend off mate!

Spend time (Sober) on your bike, clear your head.

Go see your missus and daughter after you've had time to clear your head and re-focus the important things in your life.

If you really want it to work with her, you will make it work. I can understand why your priorities have become what they are (work hard to put bread on the table at the cost of everything else), but I would bet all my bikes and lots more that your Missus and Child would happily make do with a lesser house and cars, but that you (sober) feature heavily in their lives and you spend some quality time with them!

As humans, we live to our means. I can confidently say that is true, in the last 5 years I've had times of plenty and times of none. In times of plenty, I just spent it all... You spend it cos you can, and cos it eases the pain of the hard work you put in to make it. Get the balance right, bring home enough to get by, and spend the rest of the time with the ones you love!

LIFE IS TOO SHORT...

I hope it's not too late for you mate, and that this is just the slap in the chops you need to wake up and sort it out!

And FFS go cold Turkey on the booze. Even if it just drains you financially, it's not helping at all. I suspect it does have quite an effect on your moods though, and I think you probably need to spend some time sober to realise just how it does affect you first. YOU DO NOT NEED IT! It just dulls the pain...

What Mboy said, I would have written exactly the same thing.

Thats a rough thing to happen, all the advice above is sound - you at least have been given an indication of where to start putting things right.

I went to her Mothers house after work and pleaded and pleaded with her told her about the doctors, not interested.

That might not be the case - your wife may say she is not interested (in you seeking help) just to emphasise how serious she is at the moment. Maybe she is worried that without a strong display you might only pay lip service to addressing your drinking. Like others have said, look at ways you can cut down on drink and work, don't give up on trying to win them back. don't forget to keep talking to people, even if its just on STW. Good luck fella.

Get yourself over to the Olympic Ceremony thread.
It wont make you feel any better
but some of the one liners are priceless
Unklehomered is on fire tonight

Having a drink tonight, she even told me to, that said I really should eat. I went to her Mothers house after work and pleaded and pleaded with her told her about the doctors, not interested.

Just because she told you to have a drink isn't necessarily the right thing to do. She may know that what you do is drink and so tells you to go have a drink because it is what you do. But if drink is the problem how does it help, it just reinforces her opinion that you drink too much.

does that make sense?

Having a drink tonight, she even told me to, that said I really should eat. I went to her Mothers house after work and pleaded and pleaded with her told her about the doctors, not interested.

Actions speak louder than words

Can guarantee you her telling you to have a drink is just her trying to distance herself from you cos she wants to ease the emotional pain. If she thinks of you drinking, then cos she doesn't like it, it's easier for her to put emotional distance there.

GET SOBER

NOW

No half measures, no ifs/buts. Just ****ing quit!

The only way you're going to resolve this is by turning everything around. She's got to the point where she feels she can't talk, that action was needed. So you need to act yourself!

Also, start to rationalise things yourself. You'll realise you can afford to live much more frugally than you do currently, which will then ease the burden for you to bring the bread home so to speak. I can tell you when I earnt the best part of £3k a month (after tax), I still spent the bloody lot. I'm on the dole right now, and have been for a while, and it's obviously MUCH harder but I still survive. Everyone I know in a similar work situation to yourself does the same thing, works all hours under the sun, rationalising to themselves that they can't not work all the time cos they need the money. They all drive very nice cars, live in nice houses, have expensive hobbies, are very wasteful, and aren't generally very healthy. They all drink a lot too (and I suspect several hit the Coke a bit too).

Remove the wasteful, expensive existence, and suddenly you can survive on a very meagre living... And your wife gets her husband back, and your daughter a husband!

Oh, and in case it ever came to it, not that it will... Bankruptcy is nowhere near as bad an outcome as losing your family... I know many people who have gone through bankruptcy and bounced back, they still survived, it's a bit of a social stigma for a bit but that's all.

Yes it makes perfect sense, but I'm struggling, I came home to find my daughters toys on the floor where she left them this morning, quite frankly I'm in bits my eyes look like piss holes in the sand as I have been crying so much.

At the moment I need crutch, it's not right but at right now I have nothing left.

Phone a friend?

(and I suspect several hit the Coke a bit too).

Yes, been there done that, a long time ago but suddenly today it all comes back to haunt me.

At the moment I need crutch, it's not right but at right now I have nothing left.

Problem is if you start looking at alcohol as a crutch how do you stop? You must not look at it as a crutch, not now not ever. However hard it might be now, it is a road you have to be very careful of.

Rubbish

Think of it as a horrible wake up call, I've been there and been a heavy drinker and was very lucky that my wife stayed with me through it, I have a daughter and I could not
Imagine losing her. At the end if the day you know deep down what you need to do, show them the real you, kick the drink, don't hassle her or become overbearing, just probe to her you are the person that she originally met and wanted to be a family with

Good luck buddy

Your family have left you. Personally if I were in your situation this would give me some serious motivation to get my ass in gear, stop drinking, and start re prioritizing. Not tomorrow, not next week, now!

Whatever you decide to do you must get off the drink.
Take this as your first step and then as the days go on and your head becomes clearer the wife may see a change.

There is hope, however as said above, you must change, with or without your family you cannot carry on like this.

Be honest with the doctor. At least you've taken this hard step.

Good luck.

. I went to her Mothers house after work and pleaded and pleaded with her

Sometimes needy ain't cool and can cause further distancing.
Sometimes people need space.
Sometimes good consistant clear communication is what is needed.
Sometimes alcohol clouds things.
Sometimes people get back together...

(i am a bit drunk and probably not your best advisor)

I wish you well.

Phone a friend?

I don't really have an currently, I've lived a varied life the people I were freinds with when I was younger joined the armed forces, a couple are deadbeats although I supported them giving them employment, but they are not the people to turn to in this situation and I don't actively seek freinds, work, home and family are what are important to me, a big chunk of that has gone.

Arse, that must be terrible especially with a child involved.

Reconciliation possible if you get help with the booze ?

And PLEASE do something about the "I'm on call 24/7 365 days", that is no way to live a life.

Hope you get things on track.

___________
Pies.

At the moment I need crutch, it's not right but at right now I have nothing left.

You may be the busiest man alive, but I'm sure you still have at least one friend, or parents, or at least somebody close who gives a shit about you enough to pick the phone up if you call them?

In the absence of the above, give yourself a big hard slap round the face from me, and I suspect everyone else on this thread (and your missus!) and man up... This is a test! You NEED to man up to pass it... Your lifestyle, dictated by the booze and the work is the cause of the issue, whereas for a long time you've used them as your crutch.

2 hard days of contemplation, that's what I prescribe. You need that "moment of clarity" as it gets talked about, which will only come through absence of alcohol and other substances!

Sorry, but it's all in your hands...

Tomorrow re-read this tread and take the advice given, your head will be clearer then.

Grim news, Mate.
The time has come for you to climb out of the rut you find yourself in. It'll not be easy and may take time but [b]it will be worth it[/b].
Go for it, fella, and good luck! 😐

You may be the busiest man alive, but I'm sure you still have at least one friend, or parents, or at least somebody close who gives a shit about you enough to pick the phone up if you call them?

My mum has been great as is has my sister, but I don't want to burden then as my mums heart isn't so great and my sister has MS.

I have been quite negative of this forum in the past but the words of advice and comfort have been very welcome.

Thanks.

Live to work or work to live ..

Feeeck it change jobs

Ease up on the grog
And listen to your family ..
Have a break
Were here for a short time

Rember your not alone

Rubbish

I'm divorced and don't get to see as much of my kids as I should. I am also self employed too so can see where you are coming from, and to be honest your wife, although I was the instigator in my split probably.

If it helps I am in a far better place and my kids seem to be doing great too. My business has been better too, so you have lots to look forward too, but you owe it to yourself to try everything you can to save your relationship if you believe it to be worth saving, and I don't mean for your daughter, but for all in the family.

If you are SE based and what to chat mail me at timATj-twren.eclipse.co.uk.

And try to moderate your drinking for yourself if nothing else.

Chin up mate; your daughter loves you tonight just like she did this morning 🙂 and your wife is sick of a situation not necessarily you.

Don't call first thing, however hard it is, speak to her Mum first, then your daughter, then her. Accept she wants space and ask to see your daughter and her Mum together; as sad as it is you are going to have to play by her rules in the short term so think of your daughter and separate your relationship with her from that with your wife.

Good luck and God bless

Make the drink in your hand the last until you dictate the booze intake; it takes a lot of effort to knock it on the head and learn to moderate it.

However as others and you yourself have pointed out the reasons to do this is are at your mother in laws.

Go and beat yourself up on the bike, I did this last night to work a couple of issues through, it beats the booze hands down.

You're not alone and I wish you the very best in pulling it around.

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

(sorry the opening ceremony is getting to me 🙂 )

rubbish - you're on a biking website, so I presume you have a bike and use it occasionally. Is there no one you go riding with that you could meet up with and blow off some cobwebs and chat for a while?

Rubbish, this is going to be tough for a little while - however I am sure that you will soon be in a better position. Chin up and remember your daughter loves and needs you.

You know what to do - lose the booze and ease up on work, even if that means changing your job. Both of these are hard but you have a great motivation - the best motivation in fact. Give your wife some space and let her see how you are doing the right things with great commitment.

Take care and keep posting here, this community can be amazingly supportive.

J

Blimey, not a good situation to be in. 🙁 It won't be easy but your wife and daughter need to know that they are more important than your work. Perhaps work has become your escapism, rather than dealing with your relationship?

Get all that right and the need to drink will diminish.

Good luck. 🙂

Your sitting there on your own tonight what's more important work or family. You know the answer sort it work to live not live to work.

It does sound like this is a wake up call. What you do with it is up to you. If you work and drink all the time, you need to change that. Both preferably. You can change jobs and stop drinking but you'll never have that time with your daughter again.

Hope it all works out fella. Nobody ever looked back and wished they'd worked more or drank more.

You need to ask for councelling - not just about the booze but about life and communication and obsession over work.

I am sad things are rough for you - but I suspect they have been even rougher for your wife and child for a very long time.

It seems very improbable that your wife would have left you with no prior warnings, no prior discussions, no indication she was struggling herself. Which makes me wonder if you ever took her seriously or listened to her, if you ignored her or dismissed her views. However well you meant in trying to have a good income it still looks like you put yourself first in choices and in booze, or at least have become a workaholic with no awareness of his self destructiveness or its affect on others.

You say something like 'there is no impact other than financial' well clearly that's not true. No one just ups and leaves on a moments whim with no backstory. Also just how bad is the financial impact you imply is trivial? She seems to say you are moody (which implies unpleasant to deal with) - why would she lie?

You say there has been no holiday for, what was it, 17 years? (not going to trace back to look). So no holiday for her then? Or for your loved child?

You were a lucky man - she really loved you to stick it out for this long.

I hope it sorts. I hope you all feel better. I hope you stop putting yourself first, using the excuse of work is more important than people or love. Sorry to be harsh, but its the only way of helping really. If this relationship is permanently down the pan, at least learn from it so the next one goes better.

All the best. I lost everything a long time ago. I know how shit some stuff can be. Sometimes horrible experiences end up saving you.

Rubbish - how much do you actually drink??

2 bottles of wine a night.

2 bottles of wine a night.

in between.

Yeah, ok, you need to cut down on that. I'll get shit faced with you for a bit tonight though. Wake up feeling like crap tomorrow and then review things.

Where you based? Someone on here is bound to be up for a ride... it's one of the things this place is for.

Oh, and buy wine boxes...

rubbish - Member
2 bottles of wine a night.

TSY - GAG and shut up!

rubbish - cut it down, may be easier than cutting out completely? Is that every night?

in between.

I know a fair few people on here for rides in my area, pretty sure I can arrange a ride with them if I want to, but I'm a bit of a loner ridewise.

TSY - GAG and shut up!

{EDITED BY TEH MODS}

yes and yes to Druidh and CG,

Hmmm, may be worth talking to your GP?

yep as above, in motion.

What difference does it make if its cheap or dear? - he is still drunk and from his recall of his wifes comments, not pleasant to be around.

"she has tired of my drinking, I'm not abusive or violent but I drink too much (at home in the evening) I'm not saying she is wrong in that respect, but IMO it is not intrusive into our lives other than the financial aspect, she says I'm in a bad mood a lot of the time"

In the first post (now quoted above), there is no responsibility taken for his choice of behavior, no acceptance he is part of or a cause of the problem. He might just as well say its all in his wife's pretty little head "IMO it is not intrusive into our lives other than the financial aspect".

I know this is harsh, but denial is what has got him here. He needs to get real about his role in the problem - or admit that rather than take responsibility for any of this and change himself, he would actually prefer to loose his child and wife.

Tough love on here tonight fella. I hope you can take it all in the helpful and supportive spirit in which it's intended.

Have you considered that you might be more [i]efficient[/i] at your job without that amount of alcohol sloshing around your body on a regular basis (let alone the fact that you'll likely be driving above the legal limit too)?

Call up some of your riding buddies tomorrow - and try not to finish the ride at a pub 😉

What difference does it make if its cheap or dear?

ough love on here tonight fella. I hope you can take it all in the helpful and supportive spirit in which it's intended.

Have you considered that you might be more efficient at your job without that amount of alcohol sloshing around your body on a regular basis (let alone the fat that you'll likely be driving above the legal limit too)?

Yep, I need to change.

To choose to change is a brave act. It is also an act of love for your child. Good luck. I wish you all the best.

And Don Simon, do you really think people are more pleasant to deal with when drunk if they have spent even more on the bottles?

And Don Simon, do you really think people are more pleasant to deal with when drunk if they have spent even more on the bottles?

Tennent's drunks are my personal fav.

And Don Simon, do you really think people are more pleasant to deal with when drunk if they have spent even more on the bottles?

have to say I am missing your point also, DS.

have to say I am missing your point also, DS.

I can't believe you girls are fighting amongst yourselves when one of your friends is imploding, poor show guys.

no fight from me, just a question for Mr Cryptic.

Rubbish, I have nothing to add but your never alone!
LiddiardATymailDOTcom if you ever need a chat.

have to say I am missing your point also, DS.

Me too.

I'll let you stew on it and see if you have the ability to come up with an answer. It's not that difficult.

go you.

Good luck, i hope it all turns round for you.

To OP,

Sorry to hear that as I cannot even think how painful that is.

This is what you can do:

1. Let her cool down for few days but keep in touch by speaking to her mother as she will listen to her mother. The mother will soften her stance if you speak nicely to the mother.

2. In the meantime kick your habit, easier said then done, by seeking help to show her that you really mean it. If she does not want to know it does not matter because you really need to kick that habits to think straight.

3. Do not try too hard to think of what you have done or should have done. That's the past and you need to look to the future to salvage your relationship, so try to remain as level headed as possible. Again, Do Not touch anything with alcohol or illegal drugs.

4. Try to recall the time both of you were happy and remind her that you are still happy with her except things have taken for nasty turn recently or few years whatever ...

5. Tell her you need her help and by working together you should be able to pull through return to the happier times.

6. You got to speak sincerely from your heart otherwise she will be gone.

It is a test of your determination now ...

OK IVE READ ALL THESE POSTS AND AM A CYNICAL GIT .

First seek help admit you have a problem ,an old mate who drank to much said the first step is admitting to yourself .Hopefully getting off the booze will improve your mood and your bank balance .Dont get mad with the missus keep calm .Good luck and please dont drown your sorrows and go round her mums bolloxed pleading with her ,cos that wont do any good .Take it steady with a clear head .Good luck

All the moral cockfags on hear make me sick. I say get waisted and hire a hooker. Then go riding in the Alps for a week. The wife can go find some dullard while you be a happy alcoholic with someone more happy go lucky.