[Closed] MTFU etc...

Ouch.

Is she taking any steps to deal with it? Its the thing I find hardest about people with depression - those that deny its happening and won't seek help.

Its a really tough row to hoe for you. Are you prepared to do it?

Encourage her to seek help and then support her in her decisions. find out more about depressive illness yourself to help you with insight into it. Remember tho - you are her partner not her therapist.

At some point you need to look after yourself as well. Only you will know when that point has been reached.

There is a nasty and manipulative side to depressive illness - don't fall into the trap of being manipulated.

Have you considered dumping her and getting on with your life. Sure the forum is all warm and loving towards the depressed at the moment, but sometimes you just need to get out for the sake of your own sanity.

step back a bit

go out on yer bike

sound daft I know but riding my bike helped me in er darker times

This is the first time I've even talked about it and frankly when presented with having to confront it I just don't know what to say, I'm completely drained. Regardless of whether I can deal with it in the long run I want to try and help, when so 'drops' she loses a grip on everything, she needs to stop that happening if she want's to archive the things that motivate her.

Youre spot on saladdodger, she lives in an unnamed north-west city, if you spot a blue Klien ridden by someone in a baseball cap and a tracksuit let the police know...

PS. A genuine thanks for the above comments, it's all taken on board and sometimes a little closer to the reality than I'd like to admit.

Getting her to face up to it is the thing.

Not easy I know but the first step.

First thing I would do is get her to recognise and come to terms with the fact that she has a problem, then once she has done that get her to look at options for improving her health. Very often people dont realise they have a problem as they may simply think it's part of their character and who they are.

Feel free to email me if you want to discuss it. I have the seen is from both sides.

zuluseverywhere@live.com

Does she need to reach rock bottom before she realises that she has to deal with it?

Can you speak to her parents or her closest friend so share your concerns? Do they also see the problems or issues that you do? Can you tackle the problem together?

As others have said you can only help those who want to be helped and to do that they must begin to recognize that they have a problem in the first place.

Waiting to hit rock bottom is sure to do the trick (not that CG is suggesting that), but the devastation that can result along the way can be irreparable (lost friends, lost jobs, self harm and abuse), and rock bottom is not a good place to start from. From my own experiences the only way from rock bottom is not up, you always seem able to sink a lot lower before there is any sign of recovery.

You have chosen to use some strong words in your OP (self destruction, aggression etc), perhaps your SO would benefit from some professional help, but you must prepare yourself for the fact that there are unlikely to be any quick fixes on offer here and you need to be prepared to play the long game.

I would "urge" your SO to go and speak with her GP, but I am unable to offer any real advice on how best to achieve that.

My ex was a manic depresant, or whatever the medical term is these days. She was in complete denial, and refused to seek help for it - so step one is getting them to acknowledge they have a 'problem'. She never did, so I called it a day (people don't appreciate how draining it is on you as a person)

After I ended, months went past until she made contact again - but by then, I was happily with Mrs. Xiphon. She would not leave us alone, to the point of obsession. The harassment level got to the point of involving the police.... she genuinely was damaged goods, way beyond repair. 4 years with her, 3 years to get rid of her afterwards.

My advice, as soon as their depression starts to drag *you* down, it's time to call it quits... as you have just proven to yourself you're not emotionally strong enough to deal with her medical condition.

As cruel as it may sound, I look back on the years with her and say to myself - you were mentally unwell, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

I think I understand where the OP is coming from, Mrs MFL has had depressive tendencies since having severe post natal depression after birth of MFL Junior, her mental state has taken a severe beating over the last 18 months due to my diagnosis of a brain tumour.

Advice that I'll give is encourage her to seek support & advice, and if needed get support & advice yourself. I'm hesitant to say get her to seek out a pharmaceutical solution, as Mrs MFL found the side effects of anti-depresssants quite unpleasant & debilitating.

Sounds crass, if you love her, stand by her.

I wasn't sure from your initial post if she's had/having treatment for depression - if she's not, then getting her to go to the GP would be a pretty high priority.

I've had to tackle a number of students over the years who have been struggling along, refusing to admit they had the symptoms of depression, often because they were reluctant to be labelled with the stigma of mental illness. I don't know if it's any help to you in this situation, but I made a point of emphasising to my students that what they were suffering from was a chemical imbalance in their body over which they had no control and, as such, was no different to a student with diabetes. Both conditions could be helped with medication and lifestyle changes, and in neither case would me or my staff be making judgements about their character based on their physiology. Don't know if that's any help to you, but you have my sympathies - my father in law has mental health problems and I know it can be a real grind when he's going through one of his bad times. However this goes, don't forget to be good to yourself and take care of your own well-being as well. It might not be a bad idea to contact one of the support services yourself and see if they can give you some assistance.

My advice, as soon as their depression starts to drag *you* down, it's time to call it quits

Harsh. If the OP cares about her he won't want to leave her to the wolves.

Mrs Grips gets down at times, not so much lately but at first it was worse. Given that she is who she is, I have to let her get on with it and do the best I can. I stand back, love her as best I can and it all comes out okay after a short period. Mrs Grips is easily worth the effort. Sounds like your girl is too.

Just take the punches, learn to deal with it and don't take it overly personally. Depressed people often see the world through a kind of filter that makes everything the sh*ttest possible interpretation of events.

For a crude example:

Normal person: Hey, you stood on my foot! Watch where you're going!

Depressed person: Ow.. I can't even keep my feet out of people's way, God I'm so useless and now my foot hurts too.

Sometimes there's nothing you can do, and sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. As long as it doesn't deteriorate into anything really harmful.

@ molgrips

Harsh perhaps, but true IMHO. At the time, I did love her, but I could see that staying with her for the rest of my life would have been very difficult. Perhaps I'm just not strong enough emotionally, so I took the easy option?

Being with that type of person is not everyone's cup of tea, and it might takes years to actually realise it. As selfish as it may sound, it depends on what you want out of life - and I opted to spent it with someone who sees life in a positive manner, not a manic depressant who refused to acknowledge their condition and wanted to constantly self destruct.

It may have been appropriate in your situation, but you gave it as 'advice' to the OP, which to be fair is harsh if his situation is salvageable as it seems to be.

Out of interest, how old is the OP's girl?

The only person who can truly help your SO is herself, and she can only do that when she is ready to do so. Personally I found that being told by my significant other firmly but fairly that I was drinking at the last chance saloon was what motivated me to take real steps to deal with my issues. That was a life changing bollocking and one I’m eternally grateful for, so don’t think that being direct or blunt is automatically a bad thing.

I am not of the MTFU persuasion when it comes to mental health issues, but one last thought for you is that you can’t be of any use to her if you also end up being ****ed up by what is going on. Only you can gauge how you feel, how much commitment you are prepared to make and what the toll of that will be on you. So follow your instincts and do what you think is right for all concerned, and ultimately if you have to bail you have to bail. But and it’s a big but, all credit to you for thinking it through and being prepared to do something other than simply quit.

Good luck whatever you do.