[Closed] money at weddings... what's the deal?

so you (the couple) don't end up with a load of tat you don't want or will never use?

Wedding gifts are outdated. They already already live together and own everything they need, don't they?

They might as well offset the £100 a head you're costing them by going.

As you note it a cultural thing and not unusual as is the tradition of the bride and groom collecting the money, I think the Chinese pin it on the bride and groom in the traditional lucky red envelope. Some cultures expect to recoup the whole cost of the wedding and maybe more.

The tough part with money is its clear what the value of the gift is. I imagine the cost per head of the wedding is £100 or more, however it's not "automatic" you have to take that into account. The couple may just want money so they can pool it for a larger purchase, home improvements etc. I appreciate it puts you in a difficult position.

I think Greek tradition involves pinning money to the bride and groom too.

We are asking our guests to make a donation to one of our chosen Charities rather than bring any gifts. I wouldn't dream of asking for money.

They might as well offset the £100 a head you're costing them by going.

And the rest!

Yeah my sister is having a wishing well that you put envelopes in presumably with money in! then you get to make a wish......

i guess it makes it anonymous so its not to embarrass people

I agree, if they wanted to charge people to attend their wedding they should have just sold tickets.

Asking for money would annoy me too, unless its a tradition (like Hindu weddings shagun gifts for example where the money is more symbolic than an actual way of getting hold of funds)

Wedding gifts are outdated.

You haven't seen the socks I've bought him...

This is the bit that gets me.... Offsetting the cost of their (extravagant) wedding. And if they are saving for a house then perhaps spunking 20k isn't the most efficient financial planning.

We'd lived together for 12 years before we go married, a traditional style wedding list just wouldn't have worked other than to fill already full cupboards with stuff we didn't really need\want.

We said if anybody wants to give us a gift then something towards our honeymoon would be amazing. Some people gave us £'s some gave us $'s or other currencies (as we did 20 odd countries) some people booked us day trips or hotels so they felt like they were buying a gift\memory. we got a couple of odd gifts too, some good some still in a box in the loft.

My brother did B&Q vouchers to finish working on their house

I've some irish mates, and over there it's what they do. They get given money but then give the same amount back if the person (who gave it) gets married themselves.

We asked for vouchers when we got married last year. Got loads of new camping gear 😀

Over the years, I've learned not to be at all surprised by just how mercenary folk will get when it comes to what they expect guests to do for their weddings, in terms of stags/hens, presents, staying in hotels, etc etc etc. I just turn a blind eye now and suck it up when all sense of propriety gets thrown out the window. 😐

Disney dollars are clearly the solution here:

[img] [/img]

It's rude to ask for gifts full-stop.

Over the years, I've learned not to be at all surprised by just how mercenary folk will get when it comes to what they expect guests to do for their weddings, in terms of stags/hens, presents, staying in hotels, etc etc etc.

+1

We're providing a coach to/from the wedding venue, so no one need pay for accommodation nor has to drive (unless they want to). The idea being that the cost to the guests, to attend, is absolutely zero (other than their time).

Don't you just get Hello, Grazia, OK and Singletrack Magazines to get into a bidding war to publish the photographs, to cover the wedding costs and leave you the odd million, or two, for the honeymoon?

Awkward.

If we or others who've done the honeymoon, voucher or even cash thing I don't think of it as "asking for a gift" because we expected none and would have still had an amazing day and honeymoon. But if somebody want's to get us a gift I'd rather [u]guide[/u] them to something we want/are going to use no different from a John Lewis style wedding list to be honest really is it? You wouldn't want to be given 100 identical towels\plates or something would you? and the person buying the gift I'm sure would rather know it went to use, not just got put in a box to gather dust

so they are expecting you to fork out for getting to the wedding and have asked for money as a gift? I think people sometimes get incredibly self centred when they get married...I've heard of people not speaking to mates cos they won't fly to Barbados to celebrate with them. FFS.

Just make an excuse, work or something and send them £50 in a card.

Unless you like getting hammered (I don't) and tapping off with brides maids (no longer for me), then other peoples weddings are just a waste of a good weekend.

I find the best policy is to aways check the post for anything that looks like an invitation and bin it before the Mrs gets home so you don’t miss another weekend due to a ****ing christening in Hemel Hempstead.

[i]The GF and I have a wedding to go to next week.

Longstanding friends of ours that aren't short of a bob (or should that be euro?) or two. He's a lawyer, ffs.
[/i]

Funny world now. If my 'longstanding friends' were doing the same thing I'd have either:

1 asked them how much, or
2 told them they were having a laugh

Not:

3 posted it on to the Internet

Bad taste. 😐

depends if there is bike stuff you need that is reasonable cost.

Otherwise ask for money so you can buy big stuff (carbon frame, forks, wheels etc)

😀

I have major issues with the whole idea of wedding lists /presents. In the past they were meant to help the couple who had never lived together to set up home. Now they're primarily about greed. Don't even get me started on just giving money.....

When Mrs Tinman and myself tied the knot six months ago we'd already lived together for over six years and had bought and furnished a house. Without bragging we also probably earn more money than most of our friends. There was no way we were going to make a list of things we didn't really need and then asking people to fork out for them. It just grated on us.

We set up a Just Giving page for a local charity and just asked if people wanted to give us something to make a small donation to the charity. We raised nearly £2500.

You're getting married, isn't that enough? Why the hell should I buy you a present?

Rant over

It's bad form to ask/expect gifts.
In the unlikely event I have one 🙂 I would request no gifts at all, just the pleasure of them attending. Just my thoughts.

29erKeith has it. We tried to tell family that all we wanted for them to attend and enjoy it but they were having none of it and insisted so we asked for a few things and they were much happier. We got stuff we wanted, they got to buy us a gift, which they wanted to do, everyone was happy. We still put on the invite that we didn't want anything. Close friends and family still bought us something, other people didn't. If the cash is a tradition thing then I'd just go along with it. It's part of the fun. Use an envelope if you like.

For a bit of balance, me and my other half are getting married this summer, and as we already have a flat full of stuff and a small child and all the clobber that comes with that we sent out a card with the invite that basically said we weren't having a wedding list and we didn't need any gifts, but if people want to give us a gift then a contribution to our honeymoon would be much appreciated. We did this because in our experience a lot of people (our friends and family) are very generous and actually want to give something, so this way they can if they want to and if not, no bother just come and have a fun day out.

Are we mercenary? i don't think so, we are getting married in some woods and everyone is camping to keep the costs down.

Iain

traditionally most couples dont pay for the wedding, or not all of it, the bill is usually settled by parents, so the gift you give is to the bride and groom and isnt usually anything very much to do with the event.

The gift is uaully towards the couple to help them get started in life, thus the wedding lists used to have toasters etc... the idea was you helped them set up home... these days many couple have lived in sin for some time so such items are already in the house, so now they ask for cash to help towards something else. One couple I know needed a new central heating system, so they said this on the invite and people put miney into a fund to pay for it.

I had a Greek wedding and we did the money dance, frankly it is a fantastic idea and I commend it to the world!

EDIT: We didnt get much choice and they might not, we said to our parents we dont want a big do, we're not asking for a big do, they slapped it down and wanted a grand huge wedding, it was Greek tradition.

OP MTFU and do the right thing 😉

My parents got married very Catholically in [s]France[/s] the motherland in the early 70's, and there was a bit in the reception when the guests tucked money into mum's garter. 😆

Don't see a problem myself: think of it as a lucky dip wedding list in multiple unknown shops.

the guests tucked money into[s] mum[/s] the stripper's garter

Sure you're not confusing the wedding with the stag do?

If it's not a UK wedding, why view it through the prism of UK wedding culture? It sounds like it's the done thing in Romanian culture, and TBH, it saves you the bother of choosing a present, and will be probably appreciated more than a set of John Lewis ladles (especially if he's a lawyer..)

Give them what you would have spent, and enjoy the day.

[b]cinnamon_girl[/b] - Member
Bad taste.

A traditional UK wedding the bride's family pay for the wedding and the gift list is designed to give the couple a head start for life together including things they probably couldn't afford.

Our group of friends has had a good approach to this. We've always pooled all the cash gifts and kept it anonymous. That way people can give as much or as little as they can afford at the time and no obligation to give anything. The couple get a big wodge of notes (traditionally we tried to do it all in fivers in a miniature leather bag) that's actually enough to do something with - custom has been to say what the intention is. One couple put it towards a camper van....

I like the people who ask for a charity donation if they already have everything they need.

Sounds like a tradition in Germany; such as getting married in May. A similar thing happened at German wedding we went to years ago, only DM not Euros, we did not know adn so gave British tradional stuff, Worcester China!
When we saw this some DM notes had been gifted in different ways, such as using paper notes to make fans or origami, so over to you to be inventive!

found on t'internet "[i]Often immediately after the wedding, the best man will steal the bride. While he can hide her wherever he wants, often he takes her to a pub and they drink champagne together until the groom finds them. Fortunately for the bride and best man, the groom has to pay for all the drinks they ordered[/i]."
So maybe the money is for ransom!

Enjoy the party:)

Ask them if they take Amex.

In some cultures giving money is expected as it's good luck.

Chinese will give ung pao (little red envelopes)...we got red envelopes from my Wife's aunts and uncles in exchange for a cup of tea during the tea ceremony. It seemed like a good deal to me.

We then had to give money to the children at the wedding.

My older brother was a bit peeved as he had to give us money, which we then gave to my younger brother. It was quite comical seeing my 29 yr old 6'+ 15st younger brother sat in a line with a bunch of 6 year olds waiting for their red envelopes.

I agree, if they wanted to charge people to attend their wedding they should have just sold tickets.

And if they are saving for a house then perhaps spunking 20k isn't the most efficient financial planning.

As you note it a cultural thing and not unusual as is the tradition of the bride and groom collecting the money

The world would be a much more peaceful place without "cultural things", so bollocks to that I say

Not sure you understand the OP's dilemma. They want to go to their friends' wedding but would prefer to give a gift rather than money that the couple have "demanded" but don't need. Doesn't sound like "if you don't like it, don't go" is an option.

It absolutely [i]is [/i]an option.

As it is we'll be at one of Munich's most exclusive venues...the money is to be collected in person by the bride and groom (think it is some sort of Romanian thing). I'm sure they'll do ok as half the people there drive BMWs, Mercs etc and are there to impress.

2) for lots of people, the wedding is one of a handful of events not just for those directly involved but the whole family and can affect their social standing for life. if you'd prefer to be at a beer hall instead - don't go.

3) putting on weddings is expensive. you should aim to give roughly as much as your plate costs at the venue. if you don't like it - don't go.

4) they don't want your John Lewis toaster or your tat hanging around the house only to be binned, unused, three years later. you've been told what the couple want as a gift. if you don't want to give it - don't go.

I very much doubt the OP's friend have "demanded" anything

OP go to your friends wedding, if you don't want to give a gift at all then don't, if you'd rather give a present instead of cash then do that.

Wish your friends well and enjoy their day with them

Yep if young/poor then have a wedding list, otherwise no gifts IMO. We didn't ask for anything at our wedding but some still gave gifts which was nice. Wife is Chinese and when we went to China to visit her relatives some gave us red envelopes of cash - quickly snatched from me by my (wealthy) MiL! She reckoned that as we weren't living in China we would be giving anyone else any red envelopes so didn't deserve to keep them.

We asked for people to make a donation to their chosen charity and if they wanted give little explanation in the cards. Got some wonderful and heartwarming stories and interesting charities that we had never heard of.

..OP go to your friends wedding, if you don't want to give a gift at all then don't

....the money is to be collected in person by the bride and groom

It will be a lovely memory for them, all their friends in line, handing over wedding cash and telling the bride she looks lovely. And then the OP gets to the front of the line and says

"We didn't bring any cash, we were told it was a free bar. Anyway, congratulations etc ......"

😀

We asked for people to make a donation to their chosen charity and if they wanted give little explanation in the cards. Got some wonderful and heartwarming stories and interesting charities that we had never heard of

Now that is a brilliant idea.

OP go to your friends wedding, if you don't want to give a gift at all then don't, if you'd rather give a present instead of cash then do that.

Wish your friends well and enjoy their day with them

This seals up the thread nicely imo.

I think asking for money is taking the piss, just like creating a wedding list at a retailer with hardly any items less than £50 is also taking the piss.

The wife and I decided to ask people not to give us anything but their best wishes.... however my three aunties still couldn't be doing with that, and despite not even being invited to the wedding (v.v.small bash) clubbed in for a good old fashioned cutlery set 🙂

*Edit - I may sound slightly cantankerous after seeing my brother and (now ex) sister in law extract the urine to the nth degree by having an engagement party and asking for presents because they were going to get married abroad... then getting married in the UK and still accepting 2nd presents from people who attended both. Needless to say, they only got an 'engagement present' from me!

I frequently go "off-list" for wedding presents. Most wedding lists are full of tat, and if you don't move fast all that is left is the side plates for £20 each.

The correct procedure for being given gifts is to say thank you and be grateful. That is universal in all cultures. If giving money doesn't sit right with you culturally then don't !

Buy them something cool, that costs about the same as the dinner they are buying you. Or perhaps a bit less if they have insisted on a s****y place.

Then wait to see if you get a thank you letter. Then it's judgement time.

(I gave somebody a lava lamp once. The look from the parents was worth it, but they loved it !)

Get a nice, crisp, fresh note. Iron it, and use starch if you have some. Present it in a really nice heavy cream-coloured envelope. This will increase the value of the gift by up to 30% over the face value of the note.

This works best with fifties, but it does wonders for a twenty.

If you can afford a fancy wedding you don't need money.

The correct procedure for being given gifts is to say thank you and be grateful. That is universal in all cultures. If giving money doesn't sit right with you culturally then don't !

OP is like someone showing up to a traditional English wedding at a church and saying "yeah, I know in your culture it's traditional for the audience to keep quiet during the vows, but that doesn't sit right with me because we usually bang cymbals, so thanks for inviting me and everything but I'm just going to sit in the second row and start mashing away with the Zildjians, yeah?"

Stock some lottery tickets in the card and wish them luck

No Konabunny that would be rude and offensive and is nothing even remotely near the same thing as giving the gift that you think is right.

The clue is in the word: Gift. Not duty, right, obligation, but gift.

But asking for Gifts, means it's not a Gift but an obligation...

When I got married, I was absolutely set against a wedding list, as was my (now) wife.

Leading up to the wedding, we had loads of nagging from people as to what we wanted as a gift, and no amount of persuasion would convince them against buying us *something*... so we relented, and made a John Lewis list of stuff that we would like (note, we didn't *need* anything) and stressed in the invitations that we wanted people to come along - presence not presents etc., but if they did want to buy something, then buy something off this list so we'll actually use it.

Our wedding was very rural, with everyone staying over for the whole weekend. We paid for half the accommodation cost, gave loads of wine with the meal, and paid for half the bar bill in the evening.

Hopefully no-one thought we were fleecing them on what was the absolute best day of my life so far.

That said, I would have felt very uncomfortable asking for money, and could never have gone face to face with my guests requesting their cash 😯

Dave

Just don't go if it bothers you so much, it's their wedding, they have stated a preference, you don't have to go, simple.

@ footflaps... That's kind my thinking.

I'm definitely going. I've bought the groom some proper funky socks; he's got tiny lady feet so won't be any good for me. probably more memorable than money, too.

Oh, he's German, she's from Romania and has lived here since she was small.

Like the envelope idea. I found some lira the other week, could put that in there.

@ konabunny..... Don't you worry. I'm going to skip the church bit. Can't be doing with another 90 minute catholic service.

I frequently go "off-list" for wedding presents. [B]Most wedding lists are full of tat[/b]

Presumably full of "tat" that the people getting married have chosen and actually want ?

Presumably full of "tat" that the people getting married have chosen and actually want ?

😆

And she chose to give them a lava lamp.

😆

Not read all of the thread.

Conti Verts 🙂

.....on a more relevant note, we got married nearly two years ago-we'd lived together for 5 years so needed nothing for the house and nearly every guest asked us for a present list....we just said that we'd prefer money to spend on the honeymoon..,..we were bleeding skint after saving for the wedding and thus the thousand quid that we got in gifts really came in handy during 10 days honeymoon in Rhodes!