[Closed] Mistresses or lovers. Can it work?

Much better to just get on with it. Good luck. Be nice to your wife, for everyones sake.
Roll with the punches if you want to keep things good for the kids. Take
Some time to introduce your lover to the kids.

Good luck again!

Have a hard long think ... is it just sex or do you want a more intimate relationship?

In my own experience, honesty is the best policy, you have a long a rocky road ahead of you. You could argue that your marriage has ended (before your affair), as sex is (to some) a vital part of a loving partnership ... sort of cements you together ... and denying sex is a form of rejection.

Sadly this is an age old problem, and ultimately you and your family will be unhappy regardless of either lie you choose to live ... keeping quiet or staying in a loveless marriage.

I feel in love with someone else ... we are still together nearly four years on ... my Son knows I love him (he is ten as well) ... and he is doing 'better' now his parents are split than if we stayed together.

I'm not saying things are going to be easy at all or what the outcome will be ... but your 'journey' sounds like it started many years ago.

Take care.

Have a hard long **nk

its de rigeur with the french, the saucy gits.

Decent troll, 8/10 for effort.

Troll or not it's certainly brought in a myriad of opinions and statements, some funny, some serious, some potentially helpful. If you take a look at the majority of the posts the highest proportion say the same things, which on here is enlightening.
So I’d say deffo 8/10 for a decent post.
Now where’s the flamethrower and blinkers when you need em’ hahaha
Good Luck.

have a ****

I would love to know more about the real 'Desperategit' I have a feeling this persona may not even be a man. But if it is a woman, which one 'wife' or 'other' 😕

Seriously I don't think people can say too much unless they have been in the same position. It is difficult and all of us put up with bad situations at times.
People are right in saying life is too short and you should enjoy it because you really don't know when it will end.
The children are the ones that will find this the most difficult but if you can try to sort things out amicably then that will help, if they are going to see argumant after argument then they will suffer.
And I don't think they will won't too be involved with the new partner for quite a while. I would say tell your wife your not happy its over she may feel the same way, and then you can move on before it becomes public.
I don't expect you went out looking for this situation, it propably just kind of happened, and if your not happy at the time it is hard to walk away as you think you have found happiness. But if your not happy at home having this new partner may not be the answer but just a distraction.
I hope this makes sense. Don't feel bad because this happens to loads and loads of poeple, your not on your own at all.

I don't expect you went out looking for this situation, it propably just kind of happened

Nicky, I think you are right, best not to be judgemental as you never know - just because you have never been in this situation doesn't mean you never will be!

There are all kinds of relationships in the world, many work, many don't, regardless of their composition.

My only harsh thoughts are - why air it on here? do you realy need the input of online strangers to solve your emotional issues? If so maybe there are things besides this relationship you need to sort out.

now, will the real desperategit please stand up 😉

wow - this one still going...

Yes I am a bloke. Not a troll. Thanks for all the thoughts.

Supertramp - good question - because when I started the thread there was no one I could discuss this with - and I thought I could do with some other perspectives. I have seen some helpful and well thought responses to other relationship questions on here before, more than on any other forum I have seen. And that happened here too. Thanks

desperategit, read my older posts I beleive your situation could work. Maybe not forever, but then what does? it is better to have loved and lost and all that. Go for it and be happy 🙂

Yeah-you have to get on and be happy. Life can be too short and in sort of job I do it is a real eye opener-you just never know whats round the corner. People who find everlasting love are very fortunate it doesn't happen for everyone, for some it just plain difficult. There is someone out there for everyone just hard work finding them.
Just go be happy and main thing look after the children.
Hi Supertramp. How did you get that bit I wrote up on your bit?
Bit new to all this! Thanks

desperategit, now it is all resolved do we get to see who you are?

Nicky, i just hit the quote button at the top of the reply box, cut and pasted your quote, then hit the button again. Might not be the correct method, but i'm very new to all this too. Love you profile pic by the way 😉

Are men such selfish bars. though? How often do you refuse to something your spouse requests. "I need the car tonight, dear". I dutifully push the car out, put the battery on charge, wash the dust off etc.. Going back a few years "I think his nappy needs changing", I washed his arse and fitted a new nappy. "The sink's blocked (with my hair) again, dear", with not a hint of protest I start dismantling the thing.

Is it so unreasonable then for a man to say "if you don't fancy a shag (because I've looked at the calendar) I'd appreciate a massage and hand job"? I don't expect passion or even simulated passion every day but is providing a minimum service really any more arduous for a woman than ironing a few shirts, something I never asked my wife to do but you get the idea. Anyhow it works for us.

Yeah thanks. Got the glasses on to hide the face! Yours is cool to!!!!
That was taken when I led a ride out from home for the club. Good ride to lots of hills, I made them suffer! Have been asked to put it on again because the scenery was gorgeous. So couldn't have been that bad. Didn't know that was being taken and that helps to.
Thanks though 😛

I didn't notice the scenery 😉

[quoteI didn't notice the scenery 😉
You can't beat the stunning Dorset scenery. Its fabulous. 😉
Think I did the quote thing right-although doesn't look quite the same as the others. Time for a black coffee one thinks. Shaftesbury Cycle Revival tomorrow if I can get in. Up Gold Hill where they did the Hovis bread adverts-should be fun apart from the weather!

Nicky, your either missing my point, or are very shrewd 😀 I think it is the later 😉

I am shrewd :-)What ever that means. Really got to go to sleep. Too much wine tut tut. Family here from Eire, christening tomorrow and race if I get there. Apparently a years supply of Hovis bread for the winner! Can't miss it! Good old Dorset hills. No I am not Irish.
Dorset girl through and through. OMG my spelling is awfull.
I am missing the point-missing alot of things really!!
TTFN
😯

Sex is good but you can't beat the real thing!

So Nicky, did you win the bread? if so any chance of popping round for a slice of toast? 😀

Get a room, you two!*

*Under the name Mr & Mrs Smith, obviously.

Not yet have been to brothers daughters christening this morning. Off up there shortly, my event not until 4.30. Its chucking it down with rain and the cobbles will be well slippy. This is a new thing for me normally do enduro hype things, but I love going up hills not sure about flat out. Will be fun and cold. Will let you know.
Hey there are some strange remarks on here.
Its a way to come for a slice of toast!!!!! 😀

Nicky - all the best with the race, do i count that as an invite? 😀

Great day despite the foul weather, got up the hill and didn't get out the saddle. A lot didn't make it. Wasn't very quick and only one in my age group anyway. Legs were like jelly after a bottle of hobgobblin put that right. It was a day for the road lads really. Prove to be quite popular. Should google Gold Hill-it's steep and very pretty. Should be some pics up soon on website.
No bread-no toast. Think your a bit of a cheeky monkey!!!!!!! 😆

Well done for doing as well as you did, you can't win them all! yes i suppose i am a bit cheeky. My email address is in my profile if you would like to hear more 🙂

Yeh you really are very cheeky. Think mines on my profile to?
Think I am too old to be winning, thats for the young ones! It was fun and thats what counts. 😉
Time for bed zebedee-boing

Nicky - YGM 😉

YGM = virtual room???

Glad to see Supertramp is taking your [url= http://www.singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/how-do-you-mend-a-broken-heart ]advice[/url] seriously 😆

YGM
I haven't a clue what it stands for??? And whats a vitual room??? Not too good at all this shortened stuff! A lot of the comments don't make any sense at all to me 😯

YGM - you got mail ie the person saying it has emailed you
Get a room - don't have a private chat on a public forum.

supertramp - Member
...........

My only harsh thoughts are - why air it on here? do you realy need the input of online strangers to solve your emotional issues? If so maybe there are things besides this relationship you need to sort out.

I think it is often very useful to get other peoples perspectives to your problems. you have no need to take their advice but it often crystallises your own thoughts or gives you new ideas / a bit more perspective. with issues like this its hard to discuss it will people you know in the real world. Just take your large pinch of salt when listen to folks on here.

Yeah. Some of us are just a little bit new to this sort of thing and haven't really done it before. So please forgive. But it is hardly like some of the cruder stuff that appears on here and there is a lot.
But thanks for the telling all the same 😳

nicky - don't worry about it.

YGM - you got mail ie the person saying it has emailed you
Get a room - don't have a private chat on a public forum

dont have a private chat - rhat sounds quite ironic considering the subject matter of the topic 😆

So desperategit, can we have an update, what is the current wife/lover situation?

I am not saying anything. Don't want to get into more trouble for private chatting!!!!!!Ha ha.
Yeah would be nice to know what happens. Whatever it won't be easy.
Then life isn't easy full stop.......

I guess we will never know who that masked man ( I still think woman) really is 😕

Edukator - Member

Are men such selfish bars. though? How often do you refuse to something your spouse requests. "I need the car tonight, dear". I dutifully push the car out, put the battery on charge, wash the dust off etc.. Going back a few years "I think his nappy needs changing", I washed his arse and fitted a new nappy. "The sink's blocked (with my hair) again, dear", with not a hint of protest I start dismantling the thing.

Is it so unreasonable then for a man to say "if you don't fancy a shag (because I've looked at the calendar) I'd appreciate a massage and hand job"? I don't expect passion or even simulated passion every day but is providing a minimum service really any more arduous for a woman than ironing a few shirts, something I never asked my wife to do but you get the idea. Anyhow it works for us.

Sounds like i'm in the early stages of a similar situation. Unsure how to proceed to be honest. Have talked it through quite a few times, with only short-lived improvements to the relationship.

Thing is we genuinely do get on very well, enjoy each other's company etc. It just seems that she has very little sex-drive. The frustration and resentment on my part only serves to make this worse by causing tension between us.

Cheeseburger - professional help! ie counselling

TandemJeremy - Member

Cheeseburger - professional help! ie counselling

Yes, I think you're right. Just need to MTFU, get over my worries and sort it out. It's just that niggling feeling that it could ruin the relationship. Then again, do I want to be in a sexless relationship? But I do love her ... argh!!

its not a MTFU situation - it can and could poison your relationship and professional help could help you sort out ways to deal with the situation.

I'm not so sure about this councelling lark. If you both really get things off your chest it's going to result in a lot of emotion which will be expressed with tears, harsh words, saucy suggestions and a passionate shag to conclude the deal you work out. Not the sort of things I feel comfortable with in front of a third party. I find physical contact when we're discussing things useful, even if it's only holding hands.

Its never easy what ever your going to do. If your not in happy relationship and this other wonderful person comes along and you think wow I am really happy, your kind of blinded in away. Happiness masks being unhappy but doesn't necessarily make it right. This situations don't always work out long term. If your unhappy at home it is best I think to sort it and make it work or leave and then when your settled start again with a clear head. Hard I know. 🙂

Its never easy what ever your going to do. If your not in happy relationship and this other wonderful person comes along and you think wow I am really happy, your kind of blinded in away. Happiness masks being unhappy but doesn't necessarily make it right. This situations don't always work out long term. If your unhappy at home it is best I think to sort it and make it work or leave and then when your settled start again with a clear head. Hard I know.

the most balanced view so far!

So Desperategit how did this all work out?It would be interesting to know who you are with now, or even if you are alone.

ouch.....

Well. Update.

Under the tension of the situation the GF and I started over analysing everything we said to each other. Time spent together not in bed was not working well, things started cracking between us and between me and wife at home. Then about 6 months ago, wife found out, and gave me a choice. I chose her. And things worked very well for a few weeks, more effort on both our parts, and it sometimes seemed as though she was enjoying the intimate side of things. But then it all stopped again. No sex, few hugs, a boring passionless life. And huge pain to the GF which she did not deserve.

So now I have to think about what to do next, as I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this.

Time to move out and have a "trial separation" ? How do you say this to someone in a kind way?

Nothing other than abuse expected here. Just thought I'd update the story.

Why "trial"? You're not happy at home (physical side of things is obviously an issue). Just leave and let both of you get on with your lives.

Remember this line?

I now have a lover with whom I am much more physically compatible. [b]And I love her.[/b]

Get out, give yourself some space and find someone you really are happy to share the rest of your life with.

Ta for the update. Tried counselling? Its worth a shot as you obviously still feel something for your wife.

My 2 p - don't bugger about - stay and give it your all or go.

So now I have to think about what to do next, as I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this.

Tried counselling? Its worth a shot

Why "trial"? You're not happy at home (physical side of things is obviously an issue). Just leave and let both of you get on with your lives.

+1 sorry it has to be said, you [u]know[/u] it won't work so move on, you're only delaying the inevitable if you stay.

no need DS not a joking subject
Try counselling and hope it works - she obviously loves you or she does not want you to leave

Tried counselling? Its worth a shot

+1. In fact, I think I (along with plenty of others!) suggested it several months ago. Still reckon it's the way forward.

+1 again. Really.

no need DS not a joking subject

Nice one DS! Masturbating comment made me smile anyway...

DS I think that is pretty fair. The relationship with my wife is potentially back on track, but like masturbation, I won't be getting much affection. Just like before the GF came on the scene. The GF and I didn't work beyond the sex and being friends. We were tearing each other apart. But I feel really really bad about the effects on her. So yes. Selfish. And probably better on my own.

I think Druidh is right

Masturbate. At least you'll only be damaging youself, you sound a bit selfish anyway.

Can you get counselling for self-obsession.

Agree with DS on this one.

dg - I know what it's like to be in that sort of marriage. Comments like "just masturbate" are obviously from those who see women as no more than a container for their spaff and who don't appreciate that sexual intimacy with another person is about more than tossing off like some frustrated teenager.

dg - I know what it's like to be in that sort of marriage. Comments like "just masturbate" are obviously from those who see women as no more than a container for their spaff and who don't appreciate that sexual intimacy with another person is about more than tossing off like some frustrated teenager.

Some unpleasant words being spouted above.

Sounds as though the marriage has run its course so you would be better off moving out and starting a new life. Don't know your wife's reasons for giving you a choice but perhaps they're different to what you think they are?

FWIW I stayed in a miserable marriage for far too long and regret not leaving sooner. You only come this way once.