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At a very dull parents evening at my son's high school, the careers bloke attempted "more opportunities than you could shake a stick at" which transmogrified into "more opportunities than you could take a shit at". It livened up the evening no end!
Sat in the canteen at work one day, one of my colleagues asks another about his family moving from India to Africa. When the other colleague responded with 'they travelled by ship' in his African accent, the original colleague looked a bit strangely across the table and said 'but aren't sheep a bit small to ride?'
I often make them on purpose for my own childish amusement. A favourite being 'flavour' as substitute for type, category, subject etc. However, one genuine mis-speak (copyright Bill Clinton 😉 ) was when describing an excellent and very thorough diligent colleague who also has a lazy eye: I said "ooh, don't worry about her doing that report for you, she will dot the t's and cross the i's." 😳
I know someone who frequently uses the word "salubrious" to mean a place that's a seedy dump!
Up a gum tree without a paddle
Lets not shoot the horse until the gates been bolted
He's not the sharpest fish in the book.
Not a big fan of Peter Kay but I did like his 'Oy! Talk to the organ, not the monkey grinder"
I know someone who frequently uses the word "salubrious" to mean a place that's a seedy dump!
I know someone who doesn't seem to realise that 'inflammable' is not the opposite of 'flammable' and makes this error repeatedly, in writing, on risk assessments.
My mum once said she'd "reached the zenith of lowness"!
A friend of my wife... 'You're about as much use as a teapot'
And while I'm at it... soldiers [u]deliberately[/u] shot themselves in the foot to get off the front line.
whatnobeer - MemberI've been know to ask if the Pope shits in the woods after a few beers.
Is the bear Catholic?
Sometimes, if I can't sleep, I like to make some up.
The other night I was quite pleased with:
'He was sweating like a paedophile chewing a wasp.'
It doesn't seem so funny now I've typed it out.
An old favourite:
'Does the Pope shit in the woods.'
Edit, didn't read that one. /\
My wife isn't British and therefore comes up with some classics. Non of which I can remember right now.
I like to throw in 'the world is your lobster' to see if anyone is listening.
An ex - girlfriend's mother once told us that she'd gone for a bar lunch and had a wonderful lass-ag-knee.My ex tried to correct her but she said she'd had lasagne before but this was definitely lass-ag-knee!
And another old friend of mine always used to say "Let's make like a banana and curl."
I love this thread 😀
I've encountered many people who, having mislaid something, will pledge to go over everything with 'a fine tooth comb', said in a way that suggests combing your teeth is normal.
My family member used to refer to Al Pacino as Al Pa-see-no
My mum calls houmus/hummus, 'hoo-muss'
Mum and both sisters call falafel, 'phall-a-fell'
Luckily I turned out worldly-wise....ahem.
My mum calls houmus/hummus, 'hoo-muss'
Very strangely, so does Delia Smith.
I had a French girlfriend that used to say "blow off the candle" instead of blow out. Never corrected her on that one.
My current gf after mishearing a friend say crack of sparrows to mean getting up early, repeated it regularly at work as crack of spanners.
A friend's mother pronounced after flouncing slightly after having knocked back a stiff snifter, "this kicktail has a c0ck like a donkey."
I used to work with a woman who would oppose something "venomently".
Best one ever:
Mates mum, with a thick Northern Irish accent.
'I'll have a wee cup of chino'
(Cappuccino)
I am forever putting the cat amongst the apple carts!
Mrs LJ, after a couple of red wines last night, stated that she couldn't see what the fuss was over same sex marriage. "Gay couples should be treated exactly the same as etch-a-sketchual couples."
A colleague once likened an impossible task to "flogging a wet donkey"
I'm not sure that staking your credibility on the correct pronunciation of foreign words is a good idea - there seems to be some debate about this one:
https://groups.google.com/forum/#!topic/alt.usage.english/rs4pWgEp8hA
One of my colleagues refers to "empty gaps".
Malapropisms are spreading like wildflower!
Popular one at work is the word 'myzuld' aka misled
Also father instead of further and the word 'ironic' used as a superlative
CDO is just OCD but with all the letters in the order THEY SHOULD BE.
😀
Another one often heard uttered by my customers:
"Without a joke of a lie..." Whilst trying to protest their innocence.
Colleague at work was describing as fight she saw in an A+E ward and said "all of a sudden there was a huge falafel".
She meant 'kerfuffle'
On a mildly related note, she once overheard a discussion about Tolstoy (I know, sorry, but I work in publishing...), who she'd never heard of, so presumed we were talking about Toy Story.
I know two people that misheard the lyrics to Gala- Freed from desire.
1, Thought the line- "My love has got no money, he's got his strong belief's" was about smoking weed, "he's got his stronger leafs"
2, Same line but different guy, though it said "his trombalise" but didn't ask what a trombalise was to not look stupid.
Misheard Lyrics needs its own thread, maybe...!
Malapropisms are spreading like wildflower!
Actual LOL at that, thanks. (-:
I could care less... FFS
mrs deadly used to work with a guy who would come out with so many of these that the studio manager kept a notebook with them all written down. Unfortunately this has been long lost but we've just tried to remember a few between us...
"I'll mustard up some work."
"Water under a duck's bridge." (I shit you not)
"I'll take my hand off to you."
A lad I worked with use to say "Don't piss in my bucket and tell me its raining"
He took some persuading it was "pocket".