[Closed] make me laugh, it has been a long day...

In Dubai they don't like the Flintstones, but those in Abu Dhabi do.

What is pink, wobbles and flies?

A jellycopter

What's black and sails round the world?
Bin bag the sailor!

Read the picolax thread.

You are traveling at a constant speed. Directly in front of you is another car. Close behind you is a helicopter. Directly to your right is a winged unicorn and to your left is a vertical drop. What do you do?

Get off the children's roundabout you drunken fool!

You're in a boat lost at sea and see a ship on three horizon. You need to make a fire in order to grab it's attention. All you have is a packet of cigarettes, a life jacket and three tins of beans. What do you do?

Open the cigarettes and throw one overboard making the boat a cigarette lighter.

Ahem. Listens to the wind. I'll get my coat

What is everyone using to scrape ice off their windscreen?

This morning I used a discount card from my wallet, but it was no good. I only got 20% off...

Teacher to group of school kids
"Give me a sentence with the word Contagious in it...."
Little Johnny says " me and my dad were walking down the road, and we saw an old lady drop her shopping everywhere. My dad said it will take that contagious to pick all that stuff up"

Janet Street Porter walks into a bar and says "Could I have a large aperitif?"

"I doubt it love" replies the barman.

Captain squat, liking it! And cheers all, opening a bottle of beer now 🙂

I went to a pub for lunch today and had a shepherds pie. He was pretty angry about it.

On a driving lesson years ago the instructor gave me the following warning about a car in front "careful, he might be pulling off" the rest of the lesson was a disaster of giggles.

Insomnia sufferers, look on the bright side. Only three more sleeps until Christmas.

There are two wind turbines standing in a field.

One says to the other "What's your favourite type of music?"
The other says "Well, I'm a big metal fan..."

If Spider-man didn't have all that web stuff going on he'd just be Peter Parkour.

I drove through some American first nations fog today.

Patchy.

Some bloke keeps calling me up and shouting "Stand and Deliver" down the phone.

I told him he's got the wrong number but he's adamant.

Why the did the hipster burn his mouth while eating pizza?

Because he ate it before it was cool.

Sean Connery has been hit by a stack of falling books. He was heard to say, "I can only blame myself"

An SEO expert walks into a bar, pub, public house, Irish, bartender,
drinks, beer, wine, liquor...

My pal thought that working in the town planning dept. would be a dead-end, career wise.
He's making some in-roads now.

The missus told me that she met some broke called 'Stephen" at a local barn-dance and they're going to drive off into the sunset on his combine harvester.

I asked her to reconsider while we both sit down to coffee.

Now she can't decide between the former and the latte.

Morecashthandash wins.
That is excellent!

Last week, the wife told me to get our ginger kid ready for school

I went into the kitchen, punched him on the nose and stole his dinner money....

I took the trump 2+2 thing and made a bike version...

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me, and they ask me. They say, 'what’s a protect bike lane'? And I tell them, look, we know what a protected bike lane is. We've had almost eight years, eighty years even, of the worst kind of bike lanes you can imagine. Oh, my God, I can't believe it. The bike facilities you’re using now are just terrible. It's just terrible. Look, if you want to know what good bike infrastructure is, do you want to know what good bike infrastructure is? I'll tell you. First of all, the bikes, by the way, I love bikes. It's probably my favorite mode of transportation, no it is my favorite mode of transportation, except for my private plane, did I tell you I had a private plane? You know what, it's probably more a mode of transportation for poor people. If I'm being honest, I mean, if I'm being honest. I like poor people. As long as they don’t hold me up when I’m trying to make a right turn, it’s those people I don’t like. Though, I probably shouldn't say that. Cyclists are nice people too, but they’re like, give me protected bike lanes, on and on, like that. You know what I mean? I don't know. I mean, you know. So, we have all these cyclists, and we can let them share our roads or we can build separate space for them. You know what we’ll do? We’ll make them pay for the bike lanes. Did you know that? We can make them pay! They pay taxes already, but we can make them pay more, they don't tell you that, and I'll tell you, no one is better at making people pay for things. You wouldn't believe it. So, we're gonna make the best protected bike lanes in the world."

One armed butlers. They can take it but they can't dish it out!

Venison.
It's dear isn't it.

Dead dear.

8 legs of venison for £50. That's too dear.

My missus doesn't reckon i'm capable of fixing our electric shower. Well she's in for a shock in the morning I can tell you.

People say my hobby of filling farm animals up with helium is morally reprehensible.
But I say, whatever floats your goat.

Spent a couple of hours at my wife's grave this evening....
Bless her. She thinks i'm digging a pond

Why do farmers always put their gates in the muddiest part of the field?

Two cops knocked on my door this evening and asked if I had a recent photo of my wife. I showed them a pic on my iPhone.
One of them said "we're sorry, but it looks like she's been involved in an accident."
"I know it does" I said, " but she's good with the kids."

Sean Connery gets a call from his agent telling him about a role he should audition for, Connery likes the sound of it and asks what time he should arrive.
'Oh, be there for ten-ish' the agent says

'Ten-ish?' Replies Connery, 'But I don't have a racquet?'

How do you make a bull sweat?

Give it a tight jersey

I went to the zoo the other day, but it was deserted. The only thing there was a small dog.
It was a shitzu.

arnold schwarzenegger is being questioned by a reporter about his favourite holiday season. He replies,'christmas is ok, but i still love easter baby'

[url= http://www.rotherhambugle.com/2016/11/07/tattoo-terror-lands-rotherham-pair-in-hospital/ ]Rotherham Bugle[/url]

Love the Rotheram bugle- sounds like she sounded it loud and clear !!!

I got my Viagra mixed up with my sleeping tablets last night

I enjoyed a quiet forty ****s

not usually one for lists but this is special;
[url= https://www.buzzfeed.com/robinedds/100-tweets-that-made-british-people-piss-themselves-in-2016?utm_term=.xiE4M4Q5ej#.ms5x9x8XRo ]https://www.buzzfeed.com/robinedds/100-tweets-that-made-british-people-piss-themselves-in-2016?utm_term=.xiE4M4Q5ej#.ms5x9x8XRo[/url]
[i]
- how was ur first day at school son?

- honestly? not great.[/i]

[img] [/img]

That cows only got one udder!

langylad - Member
arnold schwarzenegger is being questioned by a reporter about his favourite holiday season. He replies,'christmas is ok, but i still love easter baby'

Please, somehow for the sake of my frazzled mind, link that to "hasta la vista baby". 😕

Welshfarmer gets it for me. Marvellous.

A magical tractor was driving along when suddenly it turned into a field.

Crime in multi storey car parks... wrong on so many levels.

Please, somehow for the sake of my frazzled mind, link that to "hasta la vista baby".

What's the difference between a rhino and an orchestra?

A rhino's got horns at the front and the arseh0le's at the back

(School band horn section humour)

How do you make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles.

An associate of mine is an aspiring artist.
He showed me one of his most recent works, his depiction of the 'last supper'.
I couldn't help but notice that one of the apostles was missing from the picture, and in his place there was a six-pack of lager and a bottle of jack Daniels.

Pointing this out, I asked "Whats the meaning of this?"

"Oh, that's Judas's carry-out"