[Closed] Loneliness...

Woman up.

Yes, most definitely. As a child we moved often and a couple of times I wasn't able to make friends before we moved again. All I can say is that it was very hard indeed.

I just wanted to put it out there just to see if anyone else has suffered with anything similar...

Yes, but due to different circumstances. Afraid i can't offer any advice beyond the obvious and likely unhelpful "join a club/get out more" which I appreciate is easier said than done. Hopefully someone will be able to offer something more useful but I wanted to post to let you know that you're not the only person dealing with similar feelings.

Yep, happened to me before.

All I can say is that you need to take the lead. Put up on forums that you want to organise a ride etc. I've always found that even going out for the occasional ride with others is the best way of making yourself feel better

IMO, the most important life skill is to be happy and content in one's own company. There are many ways in which to find out how you may be able to do so.

Meditation and mindfulness are two such en vogue paths. Both can help you reduce your yearning for external validation.

[quote=muppetWrangler ]Afraid i can't offer any advice beyond the obvious and likely unhelpful "join a club/get out more" which I appreciate is easier said than done.+1

There's usually lots of folk on here willing to meet up for a chat/ride if you ask. I know that, for some folk, it can be intimidating if it's a large crowd. Other prefer that as they can disappear in it and freak at the idea of meeting 1:1. Also, I think most of us are a bit reticent about riding with strangers as we don't want to get shown up.

If it's not too much to ask, post up roughly where you live and see what offers you get.

Mounty what area are you in? Maybe someone is looking for a riding partner

No one is going to tell to man up, unless they mean it as a joke (see above) 😉 .

It's very easy to get caught out by loneliness, especially if you've had a big life change- and it sounds like you have had several. Yes, I have been through it to. No, it wasn't easy. Yes, it did get better- it took a bit of hard graft though! Without meaning to sound obvious, unfortunately the only way out of it is to put the effort in- much easier said than done, I know. But it can be done. Friendships are something that we take for granted because we can rarely remember how it started- it seems like they were always there, for better or worse lol ;-), and then something changes (like moving house) and they're suddenly not there anymore. But all those friendships did start somewhere, and that's what it sounds like you need to do now 🙂

Mounty - anywhere near south Wales?

How about getting a trail dog to go riding with?
The trouble is with loneliness is that it's not always solved by spending time with other people.
It is for some people and perhaps joining clubs and the like will help you but just trying to put a different spin on it.

When I split with my ex (different situation granted) my dogs where a huge solace. We had many a one-sided conversation, but by god did I feel better. A dog may be extreme, but the advice others have given is spot on, where are you in the UK?

Scotroutes and muppet have it. Somehow you need to break out into a cycle of friends and activity, and that takes bravery and effort.

If you are near Dunblane, drop me an email.

Let us know how it goes.

I had to make some very hard life decisions due to being lonely in an area we moved to.. I know I need friends around me and can't be on my own all day.. if you know the same then I suggest you act on that sooner and find something more social to balance your lifestyle.. I find things easier now but it's hard getting back on your feet after feeling like that

Moose, I was just trying to say that spending time with other people isn't necessarily the answer.
Dogs aren't for everyone either and not everyone is in a position to have one but there are other ways to spend time with dogs other than owning one.
Like I say, just trying to put a different spin on it as loneliness is often caused by many more factors than not having any friends nearby.

Weekly ride with my mates is my saviour. It feels like a hassle rushing home, wolfing tea down, heading out in the dark - but 2 mins into the ride (and pint after) I remember why it's so essential to my sanity.

If you are anywhere near Inverness give me a shout.

What Slackalice said gets my vote for being a healthy step to helping yourself..

Both can help you reduce your yearning for external validation.

...except that bit where he seemed to slip into wafflebollocks 🙂

How old are you? It becomes harder to make friends as you get older.

I moved to a new city at 30 and had to make a real effort to make friends but over a few years I did. ( mainly in the local pub) Now 20 years on those friends have all moved away and I don't see a lot of them.

I find facebook very useful as I chat to both this group of friends and some of the ones I knew from before via it. Its not the same but its better than nowt.

So - make an effort to make friends where you are now. For every 10 folk I struck up an acquaintance with maybe 1 became a real friend but I did develop a group of friends some of whom will be friends for life. YOu have to be proactive in making friends.

Meet up with folk from here to go riding. I did and whilst I met a load of folk they did not by and large become close friends but are still folk I do meet up with now and then.

Unfortunately I am not a club sort of person at all so that route did not work for me but it could for you.

workplace friendships don't happen for me as the folk I work with are just not into the same sort of things I am,

Decide what you want out of life and go an pursue it. For many of us having a group of friends does enhance our lives.
Good luck

Another thing is to volunteer somewhere at something. Does not have to be the usual sort of thing folk think of - talking to the folk in the local old folks home ( but that can be good) but stuff like national trust properties, preservation societies for various things, that sort of thing.

something yo are interested in.

Definitely a hard situation, but you have taken an important first step in identifying and vocalising the problem. I have found myself in a similar situation in the past - renovating a house in a new area, so every moment is spent at home with my wife. Work colleagues were just that - colleagues. I still don't have a group of close friends, but I have lots of folk I chat to and so forth. I sometimes go out with a local road club - I would ride quicker on my own, but I can chat away with folk.

I think it's am important skill to be able to strike up a conversation with anyone - I did just that at Swinley today, and ended up riding round with another fella chatting the whole way and comparing bike and riding notes. We've planned another ride off the back of that.

If you are anywhere down South, drop me a line and we can do a lap of Swinley or a road / gravel loop and have a pint if you like.

I don't really know anyone around the area of where I live, except the people I work with, most of my spare time is spent on my own.

Sounds familiar that. Moved from the area I grew up in 8 years ago to Cardiff and in all that time I've made one or two friends that I didn't know beforehand. I just don't really fit in with a city lifestyle though, I'm only here as it's where my job is. I did join a few online forums that were related to my hobbies and interests and have met a group of people that I am friends with and we meet up regularly from one and two now friends from another. I'm thinking of getting back into road riding next year to take advantage of the various local clubs, but then I rather like riding on my own on the road so I don't know how that will go. Which brings me on to this point:

IMO, the most important life skill is to be happy and content in one's own company.

I have always gravitated to being on my own a lot of the time all my life, it makes me calm and allows me to quantify other things in my life. Thinking time if you will. This does lead to me neglecting some friendships at times but most of my friends are aware of this trait. It does help that the vast majority of my friends from all parts of my life are the type that we can not see each other for a year or more but just pick up where we left off the last time we saw each other.

The trouble is with loneliness is that it's not always solved by spending time with other people.

This.

I don't like being in awkward social situations so I had to find other ways to 'cure' the loneliness I was feeling at one time. Riding bikes and going for walks really helped. Ironically it;'s while doing these things I am at my most social 😀

I think the key is being content with yourself and what you do have rather than looking at what you don't have, be it friendships, material goods or wealth.

If you are based in the south and want to get out for a ride at some point feel free to reply. Happy to head out whenever

I spoke to a stranger at Swinley today too! As a massive introvert I'd put this down to some kind of anomoly and normal service has now been resumed

I'd be in a similar position as you, OP, if I wasn't part of a Kung Fu school and trained 5 times a week. Being just a bit too busy keeps the walls from closing in, but means I've got no time to date or anything...

If you're anywhere near the shit-tip I now call home (Reading) and fancy a ride or a beer then shout.

Aloneless is a state of being loneliness is a state of mind..said someone or other once!

Rather than loneliness could it be ennui? A bit more than boredom.

milky +lots.

Spot on, eloquent and wise.

I have felt similar in the past and found it lead to too much introspection which can start to spiral. I joined a very active and welcoming climbing club which has made a huge difference to general well being. Clubs are good, but some can feel like hard work to get into if they're cliquey. Not all are. If you fancy an evening ride from Sheffield, drop me a message.

Another one in a similar situation. Moved down south a few years ago and have made aquatences but not really any friends. Have not found anyone to ride with even though been along to a few meets, everyone was nice but about 20 plus years older and many semi retired. It does demotivate my riding and I have not ridden as much as I should have over the last five years.

Very nice gestures from everyone around the country so far, although non of us have tracked you down yet.
I will add chester area for you.

Its good to share a problem

Indeed, Leeds until the end of Jan, then Salisbury.

If you're near Derby I can lend an ear.

I found finding someone else to ride with turned my world back around. Previously I'd been a gym bunny, but riding gives you the time and space to interact with people and learn about an area. The group I ride with has changed over the years as life has evolved for all of us, but there is that revolving pattern of people to ride with, chat with, have a beer with

I also found volunteering got me more interested in what was around me - I help the Scout group and have started helping with the Forestry Commission. Both are so far outside my normal day job they have opened my eyes up to what opportunities there are, and introduced me to another group of people with shared interests.

What about volunteering? I moved at the start of the year and volunteer fixing bikes for a local cycling charity. It's a great way to meet people and do something good at the same time.

(rather ironically) you are not alone in feeling like this, its more common that
people thing.

http://www.coop.co.uk/our-ethics/charity-partnership/our-2015-shortlist/tackling-loneliness/
http://www.redcross.org.uk/Get-involved/Corporate-support/Corporate-partners/Co-op

maybe have a chat with the redcross

pacef8 - Member
Very nice gestures from everyone around the country so far, although non of us have tracked you down yet.

Go on - tell us where you live a huge posse of us will turn up and be cheerful! Just what you need 🙂

With a set of hope hoops and a giro helmet if your lucky

I'd also recommend volunteering. I started helping trailbuilding at Glentress years ago, also helped out with the original kids club there. I made some very good friends doing that, it also led to work opportunities.

I can completely understand how you feel, been in the same place myself for the past couple of months. Recently moved back to Manchester from Durham after my marriage broke down, and although I'm now back around family and so on (one of the reasons for moving back) and enjoying that, I realised I'm still lonely. School friends have all moved on and have their own lives, and whilst there is the odd get together with some it's an infrequent thing. I was doing parkrun, but all I would do is rock up 5 minutes before the start, do my run, and then leave, without really talking to anyone. So the past few weeks I've been volunteering there instead, as it means I'm there for longer, and end up talking to people whilst I am there, which is helping. Slowly getting to know a few people. Going to drag myself along to the local tri club swim sessions too in a bid to meet some more people. Just accepting the fact it's going to take a while to get to know folk, but hopefully I'll find a few like minded souls to spend time with.

I think milky has it spot on.

" loneliness is a crowded room " think it was Roxy Music who sang that.

Point I'm making is if you don't feel a connection with anyone, you can be surrounded by people and still feel on your own. I'm a loner, I've a couple of really good mates, two who I see regular, but I love being on my own. Just keep going with my dreams in my head and I'm happy.

I wouldn't want to be without my mates, but I'd rather have those two who I can say anything to than loads of people around me who I don't connect to.

If it helps I feel similar and I have a young family. Zero time for any personal enjoyment just an ever speaking treadmill of stuff to make others happy.

That said just bought a new place a big project and looking forward to enjoying sorting it and enjoying it with others. If you are near southampton drop me a mail. A spin on the bikes, diy or just a beer.

I know how you feel. Moved away from my home in West Yorkshire to Macclesfield 10 years ago. I've made a couple of friends down here, but now have a 3 year old and very little time. Work, wash up, sleep repeat is my life. Even the wife and I find very little time to communicate at the moment. If you're anywhere near me let me know, can arrange a ride or meet for a pint.

Meet up can be good, if you want to broaden beyond biking.

Nothing to add but the advice sounds reasonable and good to know I'm not alone (SWIDT?)

My partner before I knew him moved to SE from Belfast for a new job. He didn't really know anyone here and family all in Northern Ireland or Scotland. The first proper friend he made was from posting up on here asking if anyone could show him the local trails (Surrey hills). That person became a good friend and had other lovely friends and since I met my partner they are some of my favourite people who we go on riding holidays with etc.

I also used to feel a bit lacking in a social scene before I met my partner and really got into riding. I joined my local mtb group and have loads of friends through that and have the opposite problem now of juggling all the potential events/invites. Weekly rides, dig days, weekend trips to Wales and pub meet ups to sit around and talk about bikes and riding. My non bikie friends tend to suffer a bit as it does take over rather.

One other thing I recently had quite a bit of spare time in the week to fill and was feeling a bit lost and aimless so started volunteering at the local rspca. Lots of nice people to chat to there and loads of lovely dogs to walk and cats to stroke. I come back feeling great from my weekly visit there.

We have moved alot in the last 6 years, also no kids. Various Greek islands and now Italy and next year France. Get on the Forums, your local pub and get involved. Chat to everyone, you'll meet all the muppets as well. Join some clubs etc and you'll soon make friends.

We found we needed to put the effort to be accepted but soon made friends.

Just put the effort in

Niall

[quote=DT78]If it helps I feel similar and I have a young family. Zero time for any personal enjoyment just an ever speaking treadmill of stuff to make others happy.
Sounds familiar. There are moments in there though that make it worthwhile, got to keep seeking them out.

DT78 » If it helps I feel similar and I have a young family. Zero time for any personal enjoyment just an ever speaking treadmill of stuff to make others happy.

Underlying issue behind a lot of current issues with isolation, depression, stress and anxiety I reckon. Took me quite a bit of counselling and medication before I could even admit that my wonderful wife and kids were part of the problem. Riding and volunteering give me some time to do stuff I enjoy, for myself.

Another one here - and milky's comments are also ringing bells for me, it's when surrounded by other people none of whom I'm connecting with (and feel unable to connect with) that I feel most lonely. I've had counselling for depression/anxiety the last few months, and one of the things it's encouraged me to do is to get out doing things with other groups of people - in my case it's mostly been things which I've never done before (and I'm in my mid 40s), but activities I'm actually really into so connecting with other people has felt really easy. Having been in the position of feeling I don't really have any friends at all - at least not anybody who I've connected with other than on FB within the last year - I think I might have actually found some (though it's early days yet).

edit: and if the OP does get back on and is in the West Mids as suggested, then I'm up for a ride.

WOW, lots of replies, I wasnt sure what to expect from the post...but thank you all.

I live in Shrewsbury, Shropshire, 43 years old, sounds more like online dating. 😉 but I think it gets harder to meet new people as you get older, IMO.

I seem to ride the tarmac more these days as its easier to just ride from the house, rather than load up the car etc as time can be limited.

I also do as much walking & camping as possible, which I dont mind doing on my own, but sometimes feel it would be nice to share it with other people...plus I'm not a great fan of large crowds and small places...

I have done volunteering in the past, IT and as a school pupil mentor, but now I am back into a IT job 9-5, its more difficult.

My partner has lots of friends and a busy social life and quite often I am around people, but it doesnt help, I cant quite explain it??! I also think its more difficult for men, women seem to make it more natural with conversation and making friends...

Its really difficult to open up to stuff like this and say 'Will you be my friend? LOL 🙂

If you ever want to meet up over cannock give me a shout and we can have a bimble. Emails in profile. I'm near dudley way so not a million miles away

+1 for all the suggestions for volunteering. Loads of different things you could do and although people running volunteer organisations *can* be as cliquey as the rest, mostly they are very welcoming. It can be hard work but you get the satisfaction that comes from 'doing your bit' and you get to know a different circle of people.

Many volunteering opportunities are flexible - I help in Scouting, the organisation is very aware that we have busy lives and is very flexible on how much time and commitment you give.

+1 on this, we moved halfway round the world and between work and home it's been tough to meet people. Especially as a early forties man, maybe it's just me.
My new years resolution is to try harder. My wife has managed to do it but I am determined to make it work for me even though I am always feeling like I compromise something.

shrewsbury is my home town. Good biking!

Been a while since I lived there but I used to go out with the Mid Shropshire Wheelers. They do regular rides and training sessions, and there are some really good people involved. Find them online or just pop into to Dave Mellor's shop and they'll be able to point you in the right direction. One thing I really enjoyed was helping out at some of the races. They were always after volunteers to marshal or mark out courses - found it very enjoyable, a nice way to be involved in a fun scene even if you don't fancy actually racing 🙂