At 39 I was single, doing a job I wasn't into. Arranged my own 40th birthday (a trip to BPW) & was generally not happy with life.
Fast forward 5yrs I met someone (we're now married) changed jobs, then career, then got promoted to my current role & am loving life.
You never quite know what's round the corner, but sometimes you have to take a chance. It's not easy it's scary but it's worth while betting on yourself.
I would like some advice on getting a mortgage for the first time at the tender age of almost 40. My partner has had a mortgage now for over 10 years, on her second home which she now shares with me. We have very similar wages, secure enough jobs. Now I went through 8-10 years of a lot of debt, had no savings etc, but never got into any difficulties. Never missed a payments, clean history in that sense. This was all cleared about 2 years ago now and I’m saving now and more comfortable than I ever thought I would be (relatively speaking). Do lenders look that far back and will it influence the outcome? The mortgage will be about 30-40% LTV and we wont be paying out much more than we currently are. I don’t want to start getting exited and then we get knocked back because of my history.
Speak to a mortgage advisor - we got approved for our first home at 41 & 36, again with debt (but always well maintained)
Thanks. We're 39 & 34 here. We have an appointment booked with a mortgage advisor on Wednesday so will see how that goes.
Thanks. We’re 39 & 34 here. We have an appointment booked with a mortgage advisor on Wednesday so will see how that goes.
I wouldn't stress about this; it sounds like you're in a good place financially now.
Surely if anything, a history of taking out credit with reliable repayments and no defaults will help make you low risk in the eyes of a mortgage supplier?
You'd think, eh?
Without getting ahead of myself it's probably more the stress of selling the current house that will be the difficult part. Thankfully where we are is still really popular. Fingers crossed for first time buyers!
It's often situations like this that I struggle with. I get into a spiral about whether or not I deserve it, or if I can do it etc. I know there will be lots of hurdles ahead but moving away from this area would really help me I believe.
Well I thought I would update this for anyone interested in how it's going. Which is pretty poor. Been in the new house now almost 4 months. Do like it here, but I have major imposter syndrome. Don't feel like I deserve it.
After the arthritis diagnosis on my left knee, it continues to cause problems. I know have a similar pain developing in my right knee, similar to what I started feeling in my left knee a few years ago. I also get tendon pain in my left knee. Even walking can be sore now. Cycling, well it seems okay but I'm sure it is actually not causing further pain after.
I feel like it is all slipping away.
My dad had a cancer scare end of last year and whilst he has been given the all clear, it has left me feeling anxious. My mum is doing okay in here home now, been there over a year. Thankfully I got to see her over Christmas but it breaks my heart to see her. I think she still knows who I am at this stage, but she can't verbalise it to me.
Yes, I'm aware that all of these things are fairly common. But, just because you might be able to deal with it, doesn't mean I can.
Yes, I’m aware that all of these things are fairly common. But, just because you might be able to deal with it, doesn’t mean I can.
Sounds like an awful lot of stuff on your plate and I'm pretty sure most people would find it tough to cope with it all.
Don't beat yourself up over it!
Have you thought about seeing someone to talk about all this? Might help you manage it.
Yes, I’m aware that all of these things are fairly common. But, just because you might be able to deal with it, doesn’t mean I can.
This might sound trite, but you can deal with it. It's just ****ing hard and can seem like a mountain to climb to do it. But you can find a way to cope.
We have a few things in common, both 40, arthritic joints, cancer scares in parents, dementia to deal with.
I had a terrible time a few years back, became incredibly depressed and got to a point where I wished harm to myself. Didn't feel like i deserved nice things and wondered why my friends and loved ones even bothered with me.
When you're brain is telling you these things it can feel like you're down a big hole and there's no way back out of it.
I'm out the hole now. It took counselling, a huge reckoning with what i want from life, anti-depressants, being honest with my friends and family about how i was doing, and frankly a desire to still be here.
Myself and a few friends who suffer from various mental illnesses (it is an illness) meet up regularly and will talk if we're struggling. Sometimes even the act of saying out loud that you're feeling shit can have a positive effect on you
tl;dr - talk to someone about it. Go for a pint with a friend, or go find a group like Andys Man Club. But just talk out loud about it, you can then go on from there and it will get better
"Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end"
Thanks for the replies. I haven't made any efforts to talk to anyone. My experiences with that over the last 15-20 years has not been very positive. And I genuinely think the NHS has enough on its plate. If I can scrape by without throwing myself under a bus then it's one less burden for them.
I don't have any friends here in England. I have a couple of close ties from home, but even those friendships are less than what they used to be. It's so hard to make new friends in your 30s/40s. I have my girlfriend, but I keep it from here as much as possible. She already has her parents to deal with.
I'm trying to hang on to the hope of Spring and thinking of longer brighter days. These winter days are hard going.
If I can scrape by without throwing myself under a bus then it’s one less burden for them.
You are not a burden to them. You have a genuine illness and need some help. It is what they are there for.
Didn't you move to Derbyshire?
I'm sure there are loads of people who wouldn't mind you tagging along on a ride.
Yea I'm done in Congleton. I've been out with the local MTB club and road cycling club a couple of times. I know I need to make it more regular and maybe that will help build a friendship or two.
@stcolin speak to your partner about it. It's better for her to know what's going on and she will be able to cope. She most likely knows already that somethings wrong.
Even when i was in a bad place i was still able to be there for friends going through their own issues, she may even feel better if she can help you
Yeah - regular is the key. No point popping along every few months.
If they have committees volunteer help with any events too.
I'm 54 and have few close friends and we moved house in April. I've taken the conscious decision to go to the village pub at least once a fortnight. Our faces are getting known now and we're being included in the bar banter. IME it takes a while to make friends as you get older, it's not like kids playground were you walk up to someone and ask if they want to be your friend! 🙂
You have a genuine illness and need some help
This. At the very least talk to your GP. Best thing I ever did was not cancel the 3rd appt I'd made. I broke down. Took up way more than an appt time. In tears. If I wanted to be self-critical which I'm brilliant at BTW, I could view that moment as being pathetic, but even though I still have my struggles, I actually view that moment as one of strength. And I'm really not good at being kind to myself. Please talk to someone - partner, GP, anyone.
I’m trying to hang on to the hope of Spring and thinking of longer brighter days. These winter days are hard going.
Me too mate. It's the only thing I'm clinging onto.
