[Closed] "lets get divorced quick, just agree you've been unreasonable..." errrrmmmmm??

Go see a solicitor. Not that bad cost wise and it's their area of expertise.

In short she can say anything, you can deny it and still get divorced.

Feel free to PM me. I have very recent experience of these matters!!

When i got divorved we did the same, didn't affect anything either way.

Someone, i believe, just has to be to blame.

If she wants to leave you then surely it's her responsibility to identify the reason rather than apportioning blame. If there is nothing in it for you to be cited as the "unreasonable" one then I don't see why you should. If it achieves a swift and painless divorce that suits you then it might be worth considering the implications/merits.

Sorry to hear your marriage has gone this way, my sister is going through the same and it's so sad to see it happen.

My relationship went 'poOf' a couple of months ago. Like you, no adultery or anything that would create a shitstorm or nasty feeling towards eachother. But it amazes me how quick people go from 'let's spend the rest of our lives together' to 'oh, indeed. You were THAT guy'.

Go to a solicitor. It's bad enough it's over (or maybe not). But don't get hurt financially too.

There is no concept of 'fault' in sorting out financial matters if that's what you are worried about.

Check out mumsnet for lots of real world experience (maybe just lurk...)

Get binding arbitration. Do the solicitors out of their pound of flesh

http://www.sfla.co.uk/shouldiarbitrate.htm

[s]Snakes with tits, or so I have been told, and given the ass that is the legal system in this country, she could have been boffing the entire street whilst you worked two jobs to keep her in lacy knickers and heroin and she'd still be entitled to half your current worth and half your future earnings.[/s]

I'd go and have a word with a solicitor.

EDIT. That's rather unfair of me. Don't know what came over me. I'd still see a solicitor though, given it's a civil matter. If you're the "at fault" party in the divorce then I can't see it going in your favour.

I swear there was a post by Loddrik here a minute ago.

Edit: [url= http://www.singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/lets-get-divorced-quick-just-agree-youve-been-unreasonable-errrrmmmmm-1#post-2432950 ]Ahh I see.[/url]

Flip side you can go biking/spend money on biking(assuming she's left you with any)any time you want with out the guilt trip being layed on you every time you buy a new frame/shifters/wheelset,etc etc

If she agrees you haven't been unreasonable, switch it around as it appears that she has! File for the same document which she has to sign, not you: If she really thinks there is nothing to admit too then she shouldn't be averse to signing it herself.

Hope it goes well, sounds like a right pain in the padded shorts.

Getting a fault can sometimes help with dividing stuff.
Maybe suggest that if she agrees for a no fault divorce, then you'll not contest it.

I used these: http://www.divorce-online.co.uk/ and had no issues whatsoever with their service. Although I did use a local Solicitor who drew up a final and incontestable financial agreement for £200, as I didn't want her coming after my pension in 30 years time!

Has she actually filed the petition in court stating unreasonable behaviour?

One of the reasons I moved to Scotland.

Gat a Solicitor now, shes got one so its going to get messy, expensive and if you dont you will get fleeced.
My mates wife (now ex) was having an affair and divorced him for unreasonable behaviour, because he got a good solicitor he kept the house and has 'main carer' status with the children. Be warned it will get ugly.

From what you said, that's her only option? Commiserations, hope you move forwards.

The five grounds:

Adultery. Your spouse has committed adultery and you find it intolerable to live together.

Unreasonable Behaviour. Your spouse has behaved in such a way that you cannot reasonably be expected to live together.

Two-Year Separation With Consent. You have been separated for 2 years and your spouse agrees to divorce.

Five-Year Separation. You have been separated for 5 years.

Desertion. Your spouse deserted you more than 2 years ago. We strongly recommend that desertion is avoided. If you want to base your divorce on desertion you may require a managed divorce

You've split amicably, now you've received an unsolicited solicitor's letter saying "it's all your fault."

From this, I'd assume that if you do nothing, you're in for a dry bumming from an elephant.

Go directly to a solicitor, do not pass Go, you might well need £200.

..uh, where my post gone?

what was wrong with it?

admin nazis?

Actually, I take that back.

In your situation, my first step would be a phone call to her going "WTF?!"

STOP right there

As soon as you start responding to solicitors letters via a solicitor you can both wave good bye to alot of money

Talk to her, write a letter be adult about it ( believe me it is hard )

2 years down the road call it a simple breakdown in communication and go your seperate ways

DO NOT LINE SOLICITORS POCKETS THEY WILL BE THE ONLY WINNERS

Here, here Saladdodger 🙂

What saladdodger says. Avoid solicitors. Keep communication lines open.

After two years of separation you can divorce BUT other party has to agree. I didn't realise that until I was about to serve the papers - ex is making me wait five years out of pure nastiness. 👿

very close friends split (fairly) amicably..
the quickest and cleanest and cheapest divorce was for one of them to admit to something..
so one of them did..
the solicitors made sure it stayed clean and fair financially and the job was done in no time..

EDIT: the couple made it very clear to the solicitors how things were going to go and the suits just did all the official paperwork..

Its always best to come to amicable solution when separating rather involving courts and solicitors if possible as it will only cost both of you money.
Is there a property to negotiate over?

i managed divorce without solicitors, and part of the process involved me agreeing that i'd been unreasonable. if the relationship is over, is it any big deal why, or what is used to drive the nail into the coffin?

Sorry if I'm being thick here but why should one confess to 'unreasonable behaviour' if one hasn't? To me that amounts to lying, if it isn't true obviously.

In a normal world Saladdodger is right, what you have to ask is why has she gone to a solicitor???? if you try reason and play at 'amateur law' with a solicitor you will get screwed!
You can try to talk to her but I'm guessing it wont work she wont listen to you she is now listening to her solicitor.
Its going to cost you either way, damage limitation is now the name of your game.

I would get in touch and say that fundamentally you have no issue dissolving the marriage however you would like her to accept the 'blame' by agreeing she was unreasonable. Bearing in mind it has come out of the blue, and not wanting to get all Mumsnet on you - she is knobbing someone else. Sorry.
EDIT: And damage limitation is absolutely spot on. I had to do quite a lot of that and even a few years down the line every now and then i get random demands for 'stuff' which is always a fun conversation.

why not get her to say she was the one being "unreasonable" if it will make no difference?

C_G, it's all about perception. If I didn't think I was unreasonable, is that the truth or just my version of my truth? Frankly I was past caring. It got things moving quickly.

Just as an aside my mrs has just said, No do not agree you have been unreasonable, dont agree to anything, go see a solicitor otherwise you will lose all rights (if you have any children) and all full claim to anything you own including pensions.
You must seek solicitors advice now.
£500 is a small amount to pay if you look what could happen long term.
Do not give her the satisfaction especially if you havent done anything wrong.
She has got another bloke.
Mrs oxboy's words not mine!

In my situation when my first marrage fell apart after 13 years it did get a bit bitter and I did recieve a few solicitors letters but I posted back to the solicitor that I wished for no dealings with a third party and the hint was taken.

then we talked like adults not kids and sorted the mess out and moved on

Life is too short to get into messy situations, if it is over then it is over just both of you let it ride 2 years and then it is done and dusted

For the record I have had no contact with my ex since the divorce, I do hope she is ok and happy. Because I am 😀

if she has another bloke she's comitting adultery maybe..?

job done.. If she wants a quick divorce just get her to admit to that..

OK, there's no kids involved. Surely it's cheaper for both of you to wait two years so that legal involvement is minimal?

I do however appreciate that for a woman who has taken her husband's name, one wants to get rid of pdq. I changed my name by Deed Poll, didn't want to revert to my maiden name. New start new name, as it were (bling new bike too).

It's a horrible time.

Ill stick to the facts fairly clinically if i can and try and be unbiased

Weve been together for 12 years

Married for two

I gave up my career to look after her full time when her already bad health deteriorated 5 years ago

The carer thing killed our sex life.

However she has got better over the last 6 months( not totally but quite an improvement)

Our marriage did not magically improve tho

We are on a 2 month break no communication, after she askedme to leave our rented home and all its contents which i did.

I have since gone bankrupt (£30k debt which was all in my name as i kept us afloat while she was poorly by working and living on credit cards before i gave up work)

So tbh i think i have been fairly reasonable so far

We are more like friends and have been for a while.

The fact that she decided to break the silence before the two month break was even halfway through with a solicitor letter has left me rather wounded tbh

Yep I can see why and I would stick to my original post that there is most likely an outside influence.

If you can live with accepting the fact that you agreed to be being unreasonable then it will immediately let you move on with your life. If you fight it then you may find yourself becoming, angry bitter and damaging yourself with second guessing.

I know you present your side of the story but I remeber other threads you posted and to me the way you have been treated is on the south side of poor. If your marriage is not reconcilable then you need to make sure you get from it what you want - freedom, money, your ego intact - whatever your requirements are. Quite honestly I'd just say "Yeah ok" then send her a lovely letter that states how you actually feel, she might read it, she might burn it who knows but I always think that it is better to have said it than not. If you can recover any $ from the situation then you need to see a solicitor.

I'm not going to wish you luck because it isn't luck you need, what you need is purpose and desire to push on and make your life better. You have clearly sacrificed a number of your desires to try and build that relationship and now you can reset yourself and achieve your goals. Feel free to email me if you want to unload.

Kia Kaha.

My sympathies, Tim.
It's 30 odd years ago since my papers slapped on the floor.
I was taken aback, reading in black and white legalese, at just how evil I had been.
I had made more than adequate voluntary provision, years earlier, but felt constrained to fight my corner. So I engaged a solicitor to fight on my behalf. I never heard another thing!
Nine years later, when I wanted to remarry, I had to go to the courthouse and confirm if I had actually been divorced.
I had, but best of all, there had been no solicitors fee to pay for the privilege!
Best wishes in these troubled times.
T.

Best wishes Tim. The most difficult thing is finding out what someone can really be like when you thought that you knew them.

The odd thing here which you touch on is that she has broken the 2 month "silence" agreement and enagaged solicitors with an accusation without even talking to you. She's either not thinking straight or there's another influence behind it.

Given that behaviour, I think one further attempt by you to discuss the real reasons behind the behaviour then you do need the protetcion of a solicitor. It looks like you've taken all the burden for the last few years, about time that was recognised.

Good luck. You're not on your own.

As she's broken the silence, it's entirely appropriate for you to contact her. Find out what she's after, what's behind her behaviour.

Unreasonable behaviour means nothing; it's simply the case that under English law you have to have a reason for a quick divorce. No reason that she can't be the one named as unreaonable, but then you have to serve the papers on her. She can't serve them on herself, I don't think. As she's the one putting the effort in on the divorce and footing the bills, and given your financial circumstances, perhaps this is no bad thing.

If you've no kids to fight over or assets to share, the actual divorce would appear to be last thing to worry over, unless you think there's a chance of getting back together.

If its on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour there has to be 7 reasons given of which a Judge has to approve 4 to grant a divorce.

(From colleague going through this at the moment).

Personally I'd say to your wife if you wish to do it this why not her who has the unreasonable behaviour? It could be seen as a matter of principle.

My own concern would be take legal advice - could this have any impact on you in the future? i.e. could she lay claim in 10-20yrs to a portion of your own pension?

Take legal advice.

slightly different to your situation in that kids and property are involved in my case

but we agreed a financial (and childcare) agreement between us - and got a "Deed Of Sepration" (which outlines what we have agreed) drawn up for a couple of hundred quid.

When two years have passed I intyend to attempt a DIY divorce. I understand the cruical part is getting a document which ties up all the financial stuff completely - and leaves no room for eigher party to come back and ask for more after the divorce. I won't consider myslef divorced until this has happened.

I went to see a regular solicitor first - who advised divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. TBH her attitude terrified me - I just saw a long future of stress, fighting, upset children and huge amounts of money going to solicitors.

I decided to just suck it up - make her a (probably way over) generous offer (so she wouldn't have to sell the house, and the kids wouldn't be disrupted too much), and move on. Its only money after all, and my kids and my happiness are worth more than that.

If after talking to her though - if she won't get rid of her lawyer, you have no choice but to get your own

OP of course we dont know both sides of the story (thats not an accusation in any form) but from the situation you come across as having stood by your partner for richer, for poorer and in circumstances where others would have let the relationship detoriate upto 5yrs ago as a convenient way out.

Hold your head high, keep it amicable and move on. Someone new out there will benefit from having you around with them one day.

It does read patronising but no intent to sound that way at all.