[Closed] Kids - Argh!

tragic 🙁
I loved mine to bits, but I suppose they were mostly well behaved

Is his hearing ok? as a lot of boys have small problems with there ears and it cna effect there behavour.
Other than that have a look at this diet and see if there is anything that he eats before he behaves that way.

As his behaviour changes when your wife is around it sounds like an attention thing - I think you need to sit down with your wife and have a proper discussion about her attitude towards him.

Maybe he sees his younger sibling gettign lots of attention due to the whole medical thing and has discovered that the best way to get you to interact with him is to play up?

My suggestions, for what they're worth;

set aside time each day for just dad and son time. he decides what you do.

have clear rules and enforce them consistently. If you and your wife have different rules or don't carry out the consequencs of the rules beign breached then he'll play up knowign there's no consequences for him.

agree with your wife what you'll do in advance - arguing in front of the boy about what he is or is not allowed to do/what the punishment is undermines your authority.

lighten up a bit - he's 4.

I wonder if he dislikes you too?

Perhaps there is also an element of you feeling you are not in control? You are in control of the younger sibling (with hospital visits and the like) and you feel more responsibility towards him, to protect him.

But the older one you just see becoming more independent and you have no 'reason' to need to do anything to protect him.

ha ha, you wait 'till there teenagers, you'll long for the problems you have now, if you think this is bad, you don't stand a chance when they grow up

Have you tried beating him? If not then locking in a cupboard for a few hours is always a good option.

Failing that I'd send him to the workhouse or out sweeping chimneys.
That'll learn 'im.

[size=1]* NB: I don't have children.[/size]

GrahamS.........for your own sanity......DON'T EVER HAVE KIDS

I have wondered if he dislikes me too, but I honestly don't think that is the case. He gets really upset when I get cross with him and he enjoys it a lot when we do stuff together.
We bought him a bike in the summer which he rides without stabilisers (proud dad on that point) and I take him for a ride a couple of evenings a week. I think the problem is somewhere in the differences between my wife and I in how much discipline there should be. She is only interested in distracting him from whatever naughty things he was doing and moving onto something positive meaning that there are no consequences for misbehaving. I tend to think there should be some consequences for behaving badly but then it always escalates into all out war...

My oldest is 5 and is always being naughty, whether deliberately or not. She never listens to anything that we tell or ask her and we have also asked the question of whether she is deaf or not.

It's just a case of her being a normal 5 year old.

Sometimes I like her, sometimes I don't. I always love her regardless.

Recently we have had a similar situation to oddjob -

totally unable to behave himself - he can't sit still and he can't shut up AT ALL. He is not malicious, just overexcited, overactive and dissobendient.

but having asked around at the school, it seems that most of her friends are exactly the same at the moment.

Like everything else to do with kids, it'll change shortly, and then we'll have the younger one going through the same, but we'll have more understanding then.

Sounds fairly normal to me. Kids can be very manipulative, and will pick up quickly on any disagreement between adults, and work with that.
TBH, I'd be more worried if he was just seen and not heard.

double post

Oddjob he'll be fine - hopefully it's only a phase the little 'uns going through.

My advice is to run the bejasus out of him - but I guess you may have tried that one. Outside that you may want to speak to a child psychologist rather than listening to us lot and see if he/she can give an inside line into the kid's thinking or something he's missing out on. They can be infuriating at times - I've been lucky to a point so far and that point appears to be a 15 year old girl with brains to burn who wants to look like 'Jordan' and can't understand why her actions get unwanted attention and hassle and its 'everyone's fault' ya de ya de ya!

Unlike my father who beat seven bells out of us I have never raised my hand to any of my kids (I'm way too scary as it is!) but I could really throttle my daughter at the moment...... 👿

GrahamS.........for your own sanity......DON'T EVER HAVE KIDS

LOL.. too late, me missus is two months pregnant. 😀

ditto @ toomanybikes. Any boisterous behaviour you thought was bad when they were toddlers pales into insignificance when you watch their behaviour as teenagers.

But as people have said above, this to me sounds like either an attention thing with your wife. Possibly because of the dependancy of your youngest but it could also be an attempt to establish a new heirarchy. The kid might be jealous of any attention you get. Just accept it and take up your new position at the bottom of the family food chain, somewhere below the cat but perhaps just slightly above the goldfish.

Congratulations...........

He could have many, many things causing it too, like ADD, ADHD, Aspergers, Dyslexia or a whole host of things that manifest themself's as bad behaviour, might be time for you to do some gooling and find out about these things.

OH AND KIDS ARE DEMANDING, IT MIGHT JUST BE YOU!!

just accept it and take up your new position at the bottom of the family food chain, somewhere below the cat but perhaps just slightly above the goldfish.

Your household must be ruled with an iron hand if you're above the goldfish..

Tinsy.....the kids normal, no need to pigeon hole them as being on the spectrum somewhere......

I suspect the real reason is that his Mum is Danish. The Danish and English sense of humour don't mix so he's developing a split personality.

Or could it be that with Winter coming he knows that pickled herring is likely to be on the menu and isn't looking forward to it :wink:.

what vinneyh said, I aspire to be above the goldfish in my house.

No need, but it might help the OP understand... I guess you dont like it as your are definately way up there toomanybikes!!! 🙂

I'm thinking of getting a goldfish. In the short term it will just be more work, feeding and changing water etc. but at some point in the future, when it floats on its back and just before he gets flushed down the toliet.

AT THAT POINT I'LL FEEL LIKE AN EQUAL

Minor issue, no doubt but I am assuming he is getting a balanced diet??

He is actually OK when it is just him and me together, but when my wife is around (most of the time of course) he is a pain.

With your spine Tinsy you'd never fit in a pigeon hole

[u][b]KILL HIM ![/b][/u]

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But I may be on there somewhere

toomanybikes, I think you may have pidgeon holed me into a category that doesnt fit into a pidgeon hole... Nice one.. 🙂

Yes.........The Bartrel

Any boisterous behaviour you thought was bad when they were toddlers pales into insignificance when you watch their behaviour as teenagers.

if you want obedience, buy a dog and train it, and you can also legally kill it if you don't like it. My kids are unquestionably the best thing I ever did, but they have their own ideas about how to live their lives.

I wished i was perfect

sounds like he is playing you off against each other i.e. he knows if he acts up for mum that he will get 'rewarded'. You need a good chat with the missus and deal with it as a team or it will just escalate.

Precisely Simon, just watch and laugh for the most part.

I am prepared to accept that it is perfectly normal for a 4 year old. I think his diet is OK and he gets a lot of exercise - if he doesn't then it is absolute hell so we make sure he is running around outside as much as possible.
He seems to be fine with having a little brother as well so maybe I just need to shut up and get on with it.
Being a parent is a pain in the ar$e, it seems to be deeply unacceptable to say it, but to be honest, at the moment I regret it more than I enjoy it.

Back to the therapist for me then...

For the record, I have a 4 year old son who I adore but who does get very whiney sometimes which I find difficult.

If you and your wife have different rules, surely it's no wonder he is confused and not behaving as you'd like. Sort that out as priority.

I'm also finding Steve Biddulph's book "The Secrets of Happy Children" helpful.

And the point about hearing is a good one. My son turned out to have reduced hearing, common at this age apparently.

Good luck.

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His hearing is fine - selective, but functioning well (it has been checked)
I'll have a look at the book but I think he is happy, it's just me that's struggling 🙂

I think the problem is somewhere in the differences between my wife and I in how much discipline there should be. She is only interested in distracting him from whatever naughty things he was doing and moving onto something positive meaning that there are no consequences for misbehaving. I tend to think there should be some consequences for behaving badly but then it always escalates into all out war...

I think this is the core of the problem. He has spotted the different styles of your parenting and is exploiting them. Children need firm boundaries and consistency.

Distraction works up to a point, but I think you're right, that at a certain age, there should be consequences for bad/unwanted behaviour. It needs to be explained what is and isn't acceptable and be clear and consistent about what the consequences are for these behaviours. He also needs alternative ways of behaving offered, so your wife needs to tell him what you don't want him to do, but also tell him what you do want him to do. The 'supernanny' type programmes illustrate the basic techniques quite well (whatever people think of their merits).

From experience and from a good bit of study for my professional training, I believe that we need to be firm but loving with our children, the laissaiz faire style of 'lets be friends with our children' is a failure, in my opinion. Giving children too much of a free rein and too much choice is not kind and loving, it is setting them up for a life of frustration, self centeredness and disappointment when they learn that one can't have one's own way all the time.

I've got two kids and they are by no means perfect, but I can see the effects of changes in my life circumstances and consequent parenting abilities in how each of the children are in their behaviour and personalities. The younger one, who benefitted from me having the strength and patience to be more of the parent I've described (loving, consistent but firm and in charge) is far 'better behaved' than her older brother.
In my opinion is essential that you and your wife are coming from the same perspective though, so in that respect, you are going to have a hard time either way. Good luck with it though.

Sounds like he's playing you off against each other. When he starts off get him on the naughty step. Each kid is different so there won't be a an easy answer.

edit: and ditto what jojoA1 said

Keep him busy and teach him useful stuff. I bought my 3 year old an MGB and last weekend I taught him how to mig weld. When he's finished the bodywork, I'll teach him how to strip and rebuild the twin SU carbs and the overdrive.

He's the only 3 year old in his nursery who can start a car with a manual choke!

oddjob

we have one that was a bit like that, suspected mild asbergers.
He is just 7 now & calming down, we have used EyeQ (omega oils) which seamed to help a lot at that sort of 4//5/6 age range.

I think that I read somewhere that some kids (mainly boys) are naturally over excited at the younger age but roughly at the age of 7 hormones kick in that slow down the heart rate & them down. Don't know if it's true but our lad is just 7 & he is slowing down.
Stick with, it's well worth it.

IME bringing up boys is like having dogs - if they don't get enough exercise they'll destroy the house. At 5 years old I was quite structured with them so they knew where they are. Up with them, breakfast and a bit of telly / video (if that's his bag). By 10a.m. (at the latest) out of the house with them and take him down to the Park / Swimming / feed the Ducks etc...(used to work with my 3) as much as you can:
1) It gets him (and you) out of the house into fresh air.
2) One on one time - when you make the rules
3) Good bonding playing together

But also he could well still be miffed about having to share his parents.... My eldest is almost 16 and still wishes he was an only child most of the time.

sounnds to me (as the naughty kid) like a combination of getting the rules between mummy and daddy straightened out, and praps hyperactivity.

i got "diagnosed" with AttentionDeficitHyperativityDisorder" when i was young, but personally i think its bull, you cant have it or not have it. ALL people have a certain degree, but some people, like me, have metabolisms where if i dont have plenty of exercise, im bouncing off the walls, or in a massive crash and depressed.
also cant concentrate on anything either..... (OOOO SOMETHING SHINEY)
....
does the wee tyke have a focus?

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get the wee bugger tearing around the garden to knacker him out?
or get a young dog, then they can knacker each other out?

dangriff, some jobs on them MG's only a kid will be able to manage, both physically and mentally, the octaganol MG badge is the insignia of the octobstad man who has 8 arms & each hand with 8 fingers that can each do a nut up to 80 ft lb's that designed the things.

Back on topic.
I inherited my lad at 7, he was and still is a bit wild, but 2 years on things are loads better, but don't be frightened of the pigeon holing thing, he might well have some small problems as I mentioned earlier, and if you don't go the pigeon hole route you wont get the help & support he needs when he is at school. Its well worth reading up on these things, that said you don't treat them any different, but its easier for you to understand why.

I'll have a look at the book but I think he is happy, it's just me that's struggling

The book is helpful in that it helps you understand why he does what he does. I am getting much less wound up since reading (some of) it.

if all else fails....

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(For you, not him - that would be irresponsible). It doesn't stop him misbehaving in anyway but it doesn't really matter any more.

Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got till its gone... 😕

so true it hurts 🙁

Have you asked yourself what Casar Millan would do?

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This has echoes of my family dynamic, although we've mostly (we think) got it cracked.

As has been said, its a difference in parenting styles. I'm rules based with consequences and the wife is more permissive. One on one with both my kids is fine, good as gold, well behaved and well mannered, put my wife into the equation and they push, push, push. They do it because they get what they want from her if they act up, but they don't from me.

Since I've been full-time carer and the wife is out to work, the 'balance of power' is more with me, with mummy left to do bedtime.

They run her ragged at bedtime - It often takes 2 hours to settle my eldest.

TBH, I've told her till I'm blue in the face, but she feels like she's being mean to them if she moves to a more rules based style.

She can make the rod for her own back, I'm out of it. Since we don't really have to opportunity for shared parenting, its not much of a problem.

Your solution IMO is get your children's mum to honestly assess what she's doing and move away from it. Good luck with that!