[Closed] Jokes that 95% of people won't get

Loving the revival, and lol.

Know any good sodium jokes? Na.

Not hard to get, but quite hard to tell, especially after a pint of Guinness or six...

Q How do you titillate an ocelot?

A: Oscillate it's tits a lot.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

Know any good sodium jokes? Na.

😀

This is one of my favourites but nobody else seems to like it. It came from Kurt Vonnegut:

Q: What is the white stuff in bird shit?
A: That's bird shit too.

Unbeknown to most people, Pavlov's first experiment was to ring a bell and make his dog attack Schrodinger's cat.

Oh, and a Freudian Slip is saying one thing and meaning your mother.

Did Schrodinger's cat survive this experience Pyro? Have you had a look to see?

Oh, and a Freudian Slip is saying one thing and meaning your mother.

Liked this one 😀

Q: What is the white stuff in bird shit?
A: That's bird shit too.

Is that even a joke..? 😕

edit: Is it a deeply political ironic joke that's completely impossible to understand by anyone who doesn't have a real in depth knowledge of some commentary some guy did on something that sounds a little boring?

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Loads of the bloody things at [url= http://icanhascheezburger.com/2011/07/26/funny-pictures-chemistry-cat-science-puns/ ]Chemistry Cat.[/url]

Laughed at that ^

Which Strictly Come Dancing contestant knows how many partners they can dance with this year?

Holly Valence

Mr & Mrs Bennett-Not-Another-Thread-Resurection and their son....
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Go on, finish it off, you know you want to!

Gordon!

I was going to tell you all a joke about UDP, but I don't know if you'll get it.

if this is the same thread, the Acorbat PDF joke is the best.....

Why did the architect have his house maid/made backwards?

So he could watch television.

Only two things smell of fish.

(Nerds won't get that one)

I was going to tell you all a joke about UDP, but I don't know if you'll get it.

Now that's geeky.

The barman says "We don't server tachyons in here".

A tachyon walks into a bar.

F. Zappa's version of Sparkyspice's joke:

There are three things that smell of fish
One of them is fish
The other two...
...are growing on you

Went for a job as a farrier.
Potential boss asked: -have you ever shoed a horse?
-No, but I told a goat to **** off one time

edit: didn't realise this forum excised the **** word. The joke doesn't work without it.

I'll get my cont.

Liked that one nisbend 😀

A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to a western country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.

He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!"

The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple pole in a complex plane."

Whats the difference of a duck?

One of its legs is both the same.

Once a great man said, "I would try to write a critique of pure reason, but I. Kant."

I used to like Massey Fergusons but I've gone off them recently.
I'm an ex-tractor fan.

Einstein's girlfriend walked up to him and exclaimed
''I need two things from you, time and space.''

He looked at her inquiringly and asked ''What's the second thing?''

I went to see an exhibition about Mandlebrot at the museum. I had a good look round the first room and then left, once you've seen that you've seen it all really.

Found some of these hilarious..

http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Proof

Proof by Faulty Logic

Math professors and logicians sometimes rely on their own intuition to prove important mathematical theorems. The following is an especially important theorem which opened up the multi-disciplinary field of YouTube.

Let k and l be the two infinities: mainly, the negative infinity and the positive infinity. Then, there exists a real number c, such that k and l cease to exist. Such a s is zero. We conclude that the zero infinity exists and is in between the postive and negative infinities. This theorem opens up many important ideas. For example, primitive logic would dictate that the square root of infinity, r, is a number less than r.

"I proved, therefore I am proof." – Isaac Newton, 1678, American Idol.

😆

Pie is on offer at my local corner shop, 3.1 for 2

Heard this today and thought of this thread
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Did you hear that Mr. Solfege had a dog?
His name was feedo.

What's a ratchet??
Like a mouse sh*t only bigger

LOL, keep em coming!

Used, but very very good condition, don't think they have any marks or real signs of wear on them anywhere.
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What's pink and fluffy?

Pink fluff!

What's the difference between an apple and an orange?

You can't wash your windows with a Mars bar.

I was going to tell you all a joke about UDP, but I don't know if you'll get it.

well, at least I don't have to acknowledge that

(credit to my colleague for that one...)

Where do you get Mercury from?

H G Wells.

(Just thought I'd wake this thread up as it's great:) )

This is a) my favourite thread on STW ever and b) a worthy resurrection. Loving your work.

A man walks into an optician's.

"Doctor", he says, "I'm having real trouble using my computer. Unless I'm looking right at my keyboard, mouse or printer, I just can't see any of them."

"Ah", said the optician, "I know what's the matter here. You've got a problem with your peripheral vision."

Appologies for resurecting an old thread, but I did quite like it.
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I heard a joke ages ago about a base-9 number system to which the punchline was 'get thee to a nonnery' but I can't remeber the joke, anyone here know what might be?

Most of the jokes on Mlehworld, I have to say I have very little idea what they're on about most of the time.

where's that thing I lost..?
Have a look under the sofa.. ouch, OUCH!

hilarious in certain circles.. more of a joke that 99.9999999994% of people won't get though perhaps..

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The duck is perplexed as one of its back legs are the same, but which one ?

The letter G walks into a hexadecimal bar,

The bar man says, "Why the wrong base?"

A recent study has found a direct link between a man's penis size and his mathematical ability.

Apparently 70% of men compensate for their small penises by excelling at maths, while the remaining 45% make up for their lack of mathematical skills with their 12 inch penises.

This thread is the reason why my girlfriend funds STW very odd and I bloody live the place. Top stuff folks.

My wife acused me of being a nerd when I chuckled at someone wearing this t-shirt...

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Pablo Picasso disturbed a burglar at his house and was able to give the Police a description.
They are now looking for 2 squares and a triangle.

Where do Martians get their mercury from?

H G Wells.

I heard a joke ages ago about a base-9 number system to which the punchline was 'get thee to a nonnery' but I can't remeber the joke, anyone here know what might be?

I don't know the joke, but base 9 is "nonary" which might help with your googling.

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Where do Martians get their mercury from?

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Do you know about the Antipodean prophet who absorbed the ten commandments?

His name was Oz-Moses

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Stolen from LFGSS.

Muke 😀

A bit of recycling is acceptable as this is a long thread but that one was only a dozen or so posts ago AND you responded to it

Sorry - should've checked back. In my defence, it was months ago.

The 'attempted murder' is superb.

I don't want to be pedantic but those are ravens, not crows.

Although I'm just reading back through the thread.
The UDP one is beautiful.

the Kurt Vonnegut bird one..
Funnest thing I've heard in a very very long time. Thanks.

Two parrots are sat on a perch, and one says to the other "can you smell fish?"

I don't want to be pedantic but those are ravens, not crows.

Joke works on more than one level then 😉

Nevermore.

Where's that quoth from Cougar?

(-:

I always thought, if I owned a raven, I'd name it Quoth.

I don't want to be pedantic but those are ravens, not crows

A higgs boson walks into a church.
the vicar says "you're not welcome here!"
To which the higgs boson replies "ah, but without me you can't have mass!"

A higgs boson walks into a church.
the vicar says "you're not welcome here!"
To which the higgs boson replies "ah, but without me you can't have mass!"

I was rubbish at sql dates but I'm all right now

29

I'll get my coat 😛

Ding Dong ding ding ding Dong Dong Dong
Not going to ask who's there as you didn't Knock

i'm so sorry I disappointed you by not having time to read every joke in the thread 😳

George was an entomologist at a state university. He had applied for a promotion this year and with the promotion would come tenure. But there was a problem.

It wasn't that he couldn't teach - in fact, two years ago he'd been honored by undergraduates naming him as their favorite teacher. No, his problem was research: he hadn't had a successful research project in several years, and in this day of "Publish or Perish", this was not a good situation.

So one spring day, feeling depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning lecture was over to go work in his garden. He had always found this relaxing in the past. But to his chagrin, he found most of his roses were dying, and on further examination found they were infested with a parasite.

But what were these insects? They appeared to belong to the order Phthiraptera. That was strange -- Phthiraptera infect mammals, not plants. He examined them more closely.
Small. Wingless. They looked somewhat like a species of Heterodoxus, but one he had never seen before. He gathered up several specimens, and rushed to his lab, full of excitement -- and after examining them closely, was able to write the fastest paper of his life, detailing a brand new and unexpected species!

Well, I'm sure you know result. The article was immediately accepted by the American Journal of Entomology. His job was saved and he received that most coveted prize, tenure. And he received a sizeable grant to study this new species.

You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf.

*

A recursive function walks into a bar. It sits down and tells the bartender "A recursive function walks into a bar. It sits down and tells the bartender "A recursive function walks into a bar...

*

A Nihilist walks into a bar during closing time. The bartender tells him, "Sorry buddy, we're all out. We've got nothing now." The nihilist replies, "Good, I'll have 3 of those please."

*

A biologist couple had twins. The first one was named Bob. The other was named Control.

*

René Descartes walks into a bar. He's had a tough day, so he orders a double gin and tonic. The bartender brings it and he downs it. "Another!" he shouts. The bartender obliges and Descartes downs it just like the first. "Another!" he shouts. The bartender brings it, he drinks it in one go. Descartes takes a deep breath and stares off into space for a second. "Would you like another one, Mr. Descartes," the bartender asks. Descartes ponders than for a second and says, "No, I think not." *Poof!* Descartes vanishes.

*

A group of logicians walks into a bar. "Do you all want a beer?" asks the barman. The logicians avert a potentially confusing situation by taking the question as it was intended, and each of them in turn says "yes please." The barman, of course, pours them all a beer, and everyone is happy.

*

Your mama's so fat, when she stands in front of the TV I can still see the picture. (I think I understand this one...).

I love my new tandem.
I'm stoked every time I ride it.

Werner Heisenberg is driving home from the lab the next night and he gets pulled over by a policeman, who asks him "Sir, do you realise you were doing 57 mph?". "Oh crap", replies Heisenberg, "how am I supposed to get home now?".

the is no place like 127.0.0.1

Three logicians sitting in a bar. The barman asks “Does everybody want a drink?”

The first replies “I am not sure”.

The second replies “I am not sure”.

The third replies “Yes”.

works better said than written:

Q: Why did the architect have his house made* backwards?

A: So he could watch television at the same time.

*maid

You've got a problem with your peripheral vision

You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf.

liking the UDP one.

still not getting others 🙁

The trouble with using hyperbole is that there's always someone who takes it literally.

Greybeard - Member
I don't want to be pedantic but those are ravens, not crows
You're just being unkind