Two cats on a sloping roof, which one falls off first?
The one with the lower mew.
What does a dyslexic sysadmin eat at the same every morning?
Cronflakes.
A font walks into a bar and says "give me a ****ing pint of lager you tosser," to which the barman says "you're bold."
A philosophy warning label (Epistemological Denotation):
The consumer must understand that due to the a-priori impossibility of assuring a shared denotation amongst independent agents, none of the advertising material, product literature, instructions, or safety
warnings (including this one), associated with this product may contain what the consumer perceives to be factual information.
/* Halley */
(Halley's comment.)
Benoît B. Mandelbrot's middle initial stands for Benoît B. Mandelbrot.
A font walks into a bar and says to the barman, "look at me, I'm huge," so the barman says, "what's your point?"
Echo and the Bunnymen
"and the Bunnymen"
If you're not part of the solution...
... you're part of the precipitate.
How can you spot an outgoing mathematician?
He stares at *your* shoes while talking to you.
A man walks into an optician's.
"Doctor", he says (for they are all much of a muchness), "I'm having real trouble using my computer. Unless I'm looking right at my keyboard, mouse or printer, I just can't see any of them."
"Ah", said the optician, "I know what's the matter here. You've got a problem with your peripheral vision."
Cougar that one is awful 😆
Good one Pyro 😀
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TBH, we should just WebWhack the entire XKCD website into here and then close the thread. (-:
I prefer SMBC to xkcd at the moment, maybe because xkcd is a bit depressing with all the cancer things. Still love some of the old ones though
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Hehe.. this is the best joke thread ever on STW.
Dunno about 95% tho, even I had to google Banach Tarski and I'm a bloody genius.
%57%68%79%20%64%69%64%20%74%68%65%20%63%68%69%63%6b%65%6e%20%63%72%6f%73%73%20%74%68%65%20%72%6f%61%64%3f%20%54%6f%20%67%65%74%20%74%6f%20%74%68%65%20%6f%74%68%65%72%20%73%69%64%65%2e
4e696365206f6e652073616d757269
😉
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He replies "No, I'm travelling light!"
Know any good jokes about sodium? Na.
My favourite XKCD...
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A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a street café watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street.
First they see two people entering the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people leaving the house.
The physicist says, "The measurement wasn't accurate."
The biologist says, "They must have reproduced."
The mathematician says, "If one more person enters the house then it will be empty."
A superconductor walks into a bar.
The barman says "Get out, we don't serve your sort here"
The superconductor leaves without putting up any resistance.
Actully LOL at the goon one, brilliant
Programmer 1 - "Have you heard about the object-oriented way to become wealthy?"
Programmer 2 - "No..."
Programmer 1 - "Inheritance."
(LISP programmer's bumper sticker: "My other CAR is a CDR".)
reading this I'm surprised I'm married 😆
As nerdy as this thread is, its the first one to make me actually lol on STW.
Good work!
Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said, "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9." The disciples looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, "What on earth does Jesus mean - the Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9? Peter said, "Don't worry. It's just another one of his parabolas."
Mathematic puns are the first sine of madness.
Ah a pun about parabolas - this must be the comic section.
Ho ho ho 🙂
"Doctor, doctor, I'm addicted to Twitter."
"Stop wasting my time."
😕
I don't understand any of these.
I don't understand any of these.
That's why you're so cool. 🙂
Thanks Deadly, your lush 8)
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Ah a pun about parabolas - this must be the comic section.
Shook my head when I read that.
Did you know that recursion contains the word recursion?
I don't understand any of these.
Neither do they.
Still not quite got it yet..
The idea of nearly getting something doesn't exist, it's a state verb. You get it or you don't get it. 😆
"Doctor, doctor, I'm addicted to Twitter."
"Stop wasting my time."
The punchline there should be, "I don't follow you."
Did you know that recursion contains the word recursion?
Have you ever googled it?
The punchline there should be, "I don't follow you."
Not after you've seen that version tweeted for the 1000th time 🙂
A chemist, a phyicist and an economist are shipwrecked and marooned a desert island whith no food.
Just as they are begining to give up hope and come to terms with starving to death some tins of food are washed ashore from the shipwreck.
They debate how best to open them.
The chemist says "There appears to be a small sulphur content in the rocks on this island. We could use this and the seawater to make a form of sulphuric acid which we can use to speed up the corrosion of the tins and effectively burn our way inot them."
The physicist says "That's far too complicated. All we need is a sharp piece of flint and a sturdy stick and we can make a lever or axe and smash them open."
The economist says "If we can assume for a moment that we have a tin-opener the rational thing to do...."
Never Twice the Same Colour.
The bartender says, we don't serve your kind here. Then a tachyon walked into the bar.
A photon walks into two bars.
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek. Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them. Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to a side. Einstein says "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says "No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Q: What do you get when you cross a mountain climber and a mosquito?
A: Nothing; you can't cross a scaler and a vector.
The physicist says "That's far too complicated. All we need is a sharp piece of flint and a sturdy stick and we can make a lever or axe and smash them open."
And the Geologist said "There's zero chance of finding a flint on a desert island".
Why can't you tell jokes in base 8? because 7 10 11.
"Were you planning on that healing by secondary intention?"
Andy
Why can't you tell jokes in base 8? because 7 10 11
That's pretty flippin cryptic.
