Hi all
Collecting my little boy from school at 3ish - rather than working I thought I'd try to get some jokes together for his entertainment, so watchoogot?
So you know where to pitch them, when we walked to school we were chuckling at "What's brown and sticky", "What do you call a deer with no eyes", etc, etc.
Thanks! C.
whats brown and sticky? Please tell me you told him the junior version!
I didn't believe my Dad was stealing when he was doing roadworks for the Council but when I got home the signs were everywhere.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A 'fsh'
What do you call a partially-sighted dinosaur?
A doyouthinkhesaurus
Why did the baker have smelly hands?
Because he kneaded a poo!
gs - it's a stick in our version
www - may be a bit over his head, but made me laugh!
what do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
What do you call a fly with no wings?
a walk
Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot
joa - liking the fsh - just started spelling at school too!
A: Knock, Knock!
B: Who's there?
A: Boo
B: Boo who?
A: No need to cry, it's only a joke!
A 'joke' as old by my 5 year old Niece:
"Uncle Simon, do you want to hear a joke?"
"Yes Isobel, I'd love to"
"Where did the dog go?"
"I don't know, where did the dog go?"
"For a poo and a wee!" plus hysterical laughter
Comedy genius 🙂
I thought my nose was bleeding but it'snot
Did you hear about the Magic Tractor
It turned into a field.
What word in the English language is always spelt "wrongly"
Yep you guessed it "wrongly"
Simon - does your niece go to the same school as my boy? I think I've heard that one from him too!
dr - carrot/parrot - pure class, that one's a definate
For several months now, my 5 y-o's favourite joke has been: why are Pirates called Pirates?.
.
.
.
.
They just Arrrrr.
Also, what do penguin have for tea?.
Ice-burgers.
What do you call a cow who munches on your lawn?
A lawn Mooer
What do you call a gorilla with bananas in its ears?
Anything you like, it can't hear you
"What's green and invisible..?"
<open palm>
"This cabbage."
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide
Horse walks into a Bar.
Barman says "Why the long face?"
"What do you call a deer with no eyes", etc
And the sequel...
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea
What's gold and sounds like a Pirate?
Pyrite...
... a bear with no ears?
B
Man walks into a Bar.
"Ow!"
will you still remember me in a hour?
will you still remember me in a day?
will you still remember me in a week?
will you still remember me in a month?
will you still remember me in a year?
Knock Knock
You've forgotten me already
(you can guess the answers to the questions)
This one i have simplifyed as your child is 5.
Are you smart? whats 1+1? 2+2? 4+4? 8+8? (try 16+16 if you think they can manage it) Whats the first thing I asked you?
What do you call a donkey with three legs?
A Wonkey.
Why do Penguins have a thick layer of feathers?
Because it's snow cold....
(as seen on the Penguin bar I am about to scoff....
What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug.
What do you call a man with seagull on his head? Cliff.
What do you call a man without a spade on his head? Douglas.
Tell your 5 year old to 'look at that' pointing to something behind them.
5 year old turns round to look, then you say....
'made you look made you stare made you lose your underwear'
First playground joke my 5 year told me 😉
what animal says "ooo" ........... a cow with no lips
How do you greet a 2 headed monster? Hello, Hello!
knock knock whos there - Boo! Boo Who? Dont cry its only a joke
Hold out 2 clenched fists and say 'whats in my hand - choose one hand and see what's in it' when he taps a hand say 'its a tickle', and give him a good tickling.
Pull my finger...
who's the coolest guy in the hospital? the ultrasound guy
who's the coolest guy in the hospital when the ultrasound guy is on holiday?
the hip replacement guy
What do you get when you cross a catapillar and a parrot????
A Walkie-Talkie!!!
My 4 year old loves this one best...
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting co...MOOOOOOOOO...w who?
What is a crocodile's favorite game?
SNAP
what animal says "ooo" ........... a cow with no lips
LOVL but that will be lost on a 5 yr old surely?
What do you call a man with 50 rabbits up his bum ?
Warren.
What do you call a man with a spade on his head
Dug
My 4 year old loves this one best...Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting co...MOOOOOOOOO...w who? My 4 year old loves this one best...
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting co...MOOOOOOOOO...w who?
If you had to watch re-runs of old Sooty as much I have had to, then its interrupting sheep!
Knock knock
who's there
boo
boo who?
Don't cry its only a joke.
#
What do you call a three legged donkey?
A Wonkey donkey
Plays the piano?
plinky plonky wonky donkey
Piano and guitar?
honkey tonkey plinky plonky wonky donkey.
#
What do you call a blind deer?
No eyed deer.
With no legs?
Still no eyed deer.
By the road?
Still no eyed deer by the way.
Deaf as well, By the road in a european country?
Still deaf in Italy no eyed deer by the way.
And on fire?
Still flaming deaf in Italy no eyed deer by the way...
#
*takes his bow*
Q: Why do elephants wear shoes with yellow soles?
A: So you don't see them when they float upside down in a bowl of custard.
Q: Have you ever seen an elephant floating upside down in a bowl of custard?
A: No, of course not.
I didn't believe my Dad was stealing when he was doing roadworks for the Council but when I got home [s]the signs were everywhere[/s] all the signs were there.
It sounds better this way.
What do you call a man trapped in a paper bag? Russell.
What's green and hairy? A gooseberry.
What's green and hairy and goes up and down? A gooseberry in a lift.
What do you call a man with four planks on his head Edward Woodward.
Why don't ducks fly upside down.
Because they'd quack up. Boom boom!
what do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What do you call a man wearing a raincoat? mac
What do you call a man wearing tworaincoats? MAx
What do you call a man wearing two rain coats in a cemetry? Max Bygraves (May well be lost on anyone under the age of thirty!)
What do you call a man with tomato plants on his head? Pete
Man with no grass in garden look, "forlorn"
Q. Why was 6 scared of 7?
A. Because 7 ate 9.
Q. How do you kill a circus?
A. Go for the juggler.
What goes "Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark!"?
A dog with a hair lip.
What's yellow and dangerous?
Shark infested custard.
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
How do you get an elephant down out of a cherry tree?
Stand it on a leaf and wait for Autumn.
How can you tell if there's an elephant under your bed?
You nose touches the ceiling.
How can you tell if there's an elephant in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter.
How do you get two elephants in a Mini?
One in the front, one in the back.
(How do you get two whales in a Mini?
Down the M6 to Liverpool and turn right.)
How do you know when two elephants are coming to your house?
A Mini stops outside and two elephants get out.
Why was the mushroom so popular at parties?
Because he was a fungi.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
Because he had no body to go with.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Why did the sheep cross the road?
It was following the chicken
What do you call two rows of cabbages? A dual cabbageway.
What do you call a lady with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen.
What do you call a lady on top of a house? Ruth.
What do get from a nervous cow?
Milkshake.
2 goldfish in a bowl, one says to the other 'how d'you drive this thing'?
Why did the apple kiss the banana?
Because it had a-peal.
What's the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can't tuna fish.
I'll get my coat
Good work everyone -
The carrott/parrott one was 'stupid' apparently - although it made me laugh.
The elephant ones will run and run...
Cheers,
C.
They generally do. Elephants, that is. Only if you scare 'em, though.
Surely it's 2 fish in a tank? Or is that the surreal version?
Two teddies in an airing cupboard, which one is in the Army?
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.
.
The one on the tank!
Current favourite in our house:
"Daddy, do you know me?"
"Yes, or course I know you"
"Knock, knock"
"Who's there?
" I thought you said you knew me?"
It was funny the first three million times......
And of course.....
"My dog's got no nose."
"How does he smell?"
"TERRIBLE!!"
Well it gets me every time......
knock knock
who's there
ieep
ieep who
urghhh you don't do you
"toab"
2 goldfish in a (bowl)tank, one says to the other 'how d'you drive this thing'?
doctor doctor the invisible man is here
tell him I cant see him
doctor doctor have you got anything for wind
yes a kite
What do you call a man with a hotel on his head?
Norman Tebbit
Dad - Bad news son, your mum's left us. She went out for a pint of milk and she never came back.
Son - Whaaaaa! How will we cope?
Dad - It's OK, we can use that powdered stuff.
What do you call an egyptian taxi driver?
Tootancomeoot
how do you know if there is an elephant in bed with you?
He has a big E on is pyjamas
How do you know if you've passed an elephant?
the toilet won't flush properly
and my sons fave at the moment
What's invisible and smells of bananas?
monkey guff!
what's a pirate's favourite cheese
cheddaaarrgghhh!!
Knock knock
Who's there?
Pile up
(hilarity ensues)
What do you call a donkey with three legs and only one eye?
A winkey wonkey..