[Closed] Joke for the plane buffs in here.

did he do it on a conveyor belt?

An aeroplane* full of passengers suddenly starts to experience some heavy turbulence. The pilot's voice comes over the tannoy to warn the passengers and staff to return to their seats and fasten their seat belts.
There then follows many anxious minutes as the plane moves erratically up and down and from side to side. Everyone is clearly frightened and are starting to panic.
But after 10 minutes, the plane is back on course and everyone breathes a sigh of relief. The pilot, not realising his microphone was still on, can be heard saying to his co-pilot "Thank god that' s over; do you know, I could really do with a cup of coffee and a bl0w job right now!"
Immediately the air-stewardess rushes up the plane towards the cockpit to turn off the microphone; and a passenger calls out "Don't forget the coffee!"

*plane buffs can insert plane type prone to instability in turbulence here...

he he love the fat albert joke...

There's a plane flying over the Atlantic and the captain comes over the tannoy...

"Sorry ladies and gentlemen but one of our engines has failed and we're going to be delayed landing at JFK by 30 minutes"

A short while later he's back on saying another engine has failed and this is going to delay arrival by another hour.

Finally he pipes up a short while later to inform everyone that a third engine out of four has failed and their arrival is going to be delayed by another hour at which point Paddy (sorry) shouts.

"Well the other one better not fail otherwise we'll be up here all night!"

Oh, and 'Snakes on a plane', what a joke that was.

Onzadog - that is nearer the truth than a joke.

Many years ago, I remember me and a mate asking an airforce pilot why he preferred to fly Transalls (which are basically the franco-german equivalent of the C130) than to have the adrenalin rush of flying a fighter plane. He responded by saying that whilst flying a fighter plane might well be initially more exciting, the novelty soon wore off, and being stuck on the same air base all the time became very boring. As Transall pilot he was able to fly all over the world, and to constantly changing destinations, something which he said he would never tire of.

Old one & more of an anecdote but .......

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot.
They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land.

I liked this one I copied from a website about memories of an SR71 pilot

[url= http://imnotthealien.com/other/?page_id=122 ]Linky[/url]

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave maintenance crews to fix before the next flight.

(P) = Problem
(S) = Solution

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

(P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) #2 propeller seepage normal - #1, #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on the ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.

(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles FUNNY.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious.

(P) Target radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.

GeeJay, nice read, thanks!

My pleasure 🙂

Lots more odd things [url= http://area51specialprojects.com/ ]Here[/url]

1842knts just ticking over!

Tower: TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.
Pilot: Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?
Tower: Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little
fokker in sight."

Found these on an old email: have removed those posted above....

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

- How do you know when there is a Harrier pilot in the bar?

- Don't worry, he'll let you know.