A fat bird served me food in McDonald’s at lunch time; she said "sorry about the wait".
I said "don't worry fatso, you'll lose it eventually".
I was at the supermarket and the checkout girl was scanning my shopping: A Fray Bentos pie, a small tin of beans, a portion of microwave chips and a half pint of milk.
"Let me guess" she says "I bet you're single"
"How can you tell" I reply
"Because you're ugly and you stink"
"I'm fed up of my dog chasing anyone on a bike!"
"What are you going to do? Have him put down?"
"No. I'm going to take his bike away!"
I took my dog to the vets because he was crosseyed.
The vet picked him up, looked him straight in the eyes, then said to me "I'm afraid I'm going to have to put your dog down."
"What, because he's cross-eyed?" I asked?
"No, because he's f£$%ing heavy."
How can you tell ET is a feminist?
Because he looks like one.
[Gets coat]
Got asked "Do you drink your whiskey neat?"
.
.
.
I said " No sometimes with my shirt hanging out!" 😆
I bought a dog of my local blacksmith, but when I took him home he made a bolt for the door.
Apparently a lot of farmers are doing heroin nowadays. But looking for the evidence is like trying to find a needle in a haystack.