Forum menu
So we're nearing the time when my in-laws are going to be requiring assistance on a regular basis (FiL has early onset althziemers/demetia and MiL is not handling the transition or coping as he deteriorates) and the wife is obviously very concerned.
We (the wife and I) have had a brief chat about the possibility of selling both houses and buying somewhere which can fit us all in and has a granny annex.
Has anyone done this, and if so does anyone have any advice other than don't do it!
I'm just about on board with it - but given that I'm an only child who lives 4 hours from my parents I can see the possibility somewhere down the line of having one of my parents moving down to be nearer to us should the other pop their clogs (hopefully a while to go as they have only just retired).
My wife is justifiably very concerned about her parents (she has two sisters, one older who lives over an hour away and one younger who isn't in a position to really assist) and isn't worried about financials as she just wants them to be somewhere she can keep an eye on them and cook clean etc. I can see there being a bit of an issue with regards to us getting a bigger house out of it (despite the fact that we will have to care for two elderly people) from the rest of the family, however no one else seems to be willing or able to step in and help out.
There have been a couple of incidents recently which could have gone horribly wrong had my wife not been popping round (something she does at least every other day) so something will need to be done soon.
The MiL isn't really the sort of person to welcome a carer into their home, as she's in a sate of denial and the FiL is oblivious to any issues, just finds it annoying when MiL moans at him for forgetting to eat/turn stuff off etc.
If anyone has done this - and has any nuggets of wisdom I'd greatly appreciate it.
(not my regular account as I know a few people on here and wife might not want them knowing about the situation, maybe)
We now live in the granny annex my parents built for my grandmother - she died about 10 years ago. She didn't need an awful lot in the way of daily care, though - she was pretty self-sufficient, it was really a matter of helping out a bit with shopping, changing light bulbs, and most importantly being nearby just in case.
I think it'd have been a lot trickier if she'd had dementia, or needed more serious care. Do you and your wife have the time to spare to care for them? Might they maybe get better care in sheltered accommodation?
my FiL has earlyish dementia
I have a feeling that leaving his home of 50+ years to move somewhere new would be bewildering for him and probably stress him, his wife and us A LOT
There may come a time when it's inevitable but I don't know that it'll be much of a success
yeah - it's still quite early but there are signs its speeding up
My concern is that if we're going to do it we need to do it sooner rather than later for the reasons described above.
It would initially be for peace of mind and being able to make them dinner etc - prior to there being a need for more care. My wife currently works p/t and would gladly care for them full time (and while she wouldn't want to, I would insist we take a wage for her from the equity or something - not really thought how or what the implications might be).
The MiL is going to be the issue - as she's quite houseproud (of the rooms anyone's allowed into) despite the upstairs and one room being like one of those hoarder programmes.
It depends a bit of what your normal home-life is - you're FiL's situation will only go one way so needs can only increase - being under the same roof only really helps you the two of you are routinely at home. And in time.... never not being home. You'd need to be prepared for a time when, barring any visiting care/respite, the two of you will not get to leave the house together.
yeah - it's still quite early but there are signs its speeding up
Become an expert... theres stuff that you can be learning and doing now that could stand you all in good stead in future. Theres more to it than keeping an eye out and keeping safe and comfortable, theres skills you'll need that make sharing time with someone with dementia more survivable for all. I produced a [url=
film[/url] recently that was part of a tool kit for dementia carers. Aimed more at the care sector than informal carers - but theres stacks of resources out there - absorb as much of it as you can now.
hadn't thought of that aspect - something to consider that's for sure
If you do go down that route, get some proper advice both medically and financially.
If you MiL is proud, your FiL may be suffering more than you originally know about. Great if your wife can look after him, but specialist care may be better.
If he does need care, and has assets it could get expensive (£800 a week in a care home). How you structure things with regards inheritance tax, join ownership on the property, will be critical for funding and things further down the line.
it's the financial aspect that I'm most concerned about but I have a good friend who has his own accountancy firm so I have someone I can get advice from should we decide to go down this route.
My wife is reading everything she can regarding the symptoms etc, but we can't get the MiL to actually watch or read anything at all. She's just (possibly understandably) totally dismissive, to the point where she actually admonishes him in public if he starts repeating himself or forgets something!
I'll have a watch of that video maccruiskeen when I get home - thanks.
I think my wife has the capability as she currently works with SEN children (not comparing directly obv) but I'm not sure how it would work out with someone she obviously cares immensely about.
I'm sort of resigned to losing our life for a while when things get bad (not resentful though) but know/hope we'll be ok and get through it
In Italy this is a common situation, the town houses tend to be on 3 floors with elderlies in the ground floor.
Have in-laws made a will? If you are going to do this and pool resources then sooner rather than later before legal issues about power of attorney kick in or the practical issues of moving a dependent parent become insolvable.
Obviously, good luck I hope it works ok in the end
When my dad was quite unwell 10/11 years ago, I was out of work already and so we moved to be closer to my folks, as it happens Anne-Marie's folks moved here some time after. It was a boon being closer - 1/2 mile away - and made it easier for both my dad and my mum. Dad died 8 years ago and mum is now in very sheltered housing (... is that another option...) and so we're not going anywhere fast.
It is an awkward period when you feel torn with many options, none of them easy - again, is it possible that they could moved to even sheltered accommodation in the immediate future?
power of attorney kick
if the inlays have not done this already........ GET IT DONE!!!!!!!
I think my wife has the capability as she currently works with SEN children (not comparing directly obv) but I'm not sure how it would work out with someone she obviously cares immensely about.
If she has the ability then it will be the most rewarding thing she will ever do. Yes there will be some hard times, but those little special moments will be priceless.
if the inlays have not done this already........ GET IT DONE!!!!!!!
the subject has been mentioned - however MiL is not at the point where she 'thinks' it necessary
I know that by that time it will be too late but we're currently working with what we've got. Just getting her to think about the prospect of living with us was a massive step.
I think once the penny starts to drop it will fall fast and realisation will set in (as she is an otherwise very bright person, but emotions tend to mess with that a bit).
We have a plan to discuss over xmas with the other sisters/family when we are all together (I'm staying out of most of it, as both BiL's don't have an issue with any of the financial aspects and just want the worry taken away so once sisters have come to an agreement/argument we can hopefully push things along.
however MiL is not at the point where she 'thinks' it necessary
As you say when you think its time its too late. The consequences of not doing it are pretty profound - there are plenty of thornier issues than half an hour in the solicitors to grasp in the month/years to come. But if this one isn't grasped promptly then all the rest of those thorns are going to be thornier.
yeah - we're not blind to the situation - but we're trying to do this with as little fuss
I think we will push through in the new year - regardless of who we piss off in the process
I'll second get the power of attorney done ASAP preferably while he still has mental capacity, I've been through this with my father, it is a horrible disease, the other thing I would recommend is to get the book Contended Dementia and get all family members to read it.
Look at care homes and get on the wait list the good ones are always full, don't wait until its required if only for respite care for a week it will be tough on your MIL if she is caring for him full time and she will need a break, regarding the granny annex putting him in new surroundings may not help the condition as familiarity of surroundings will comfort him long term.
My parents have given me power of attorney already and they are both still reasonably fit. I would also suggest getting it sorted ASAP as IME health issues don't happen gradually as people get older.
Tagging this as we're in the same discussions about inlaws and buying a piece of land and building 2 small houses and a man cave/garage.
Become an expert... theres stuff that you can be learning and doing now that could stand you all in good stead in future. Theres more to it than keeping an eye out and keeping safe and comfortable, theres skills you'll need that make sharing time with someone with dementia more survivable for all. I produced a wee film recently that was part of a tool kit for dementia carers. Aimed more at the care sector than informal carers - but theres stacks of resources out there - absorb as much of it as you can now.
This x1000
Mrs JAMJ is a specialist in dementia and also training professionals and family carers in the skills to assist in managing interactions with people with dementia. This is key in maintaining not only your FiL but yourselves too.
Short version.
My folks approached us about 5 years ago saying that they couldn't manage their place (old converted mill, a few stone outbuildings and some gardens/land. Decision was made for us to sell up, take it over and convert an outbuilding into a granny annex.
Current, my Dad is actually now in a home (dementia) and Mum is in the annex (still drives etc, plays golf) - both are happy and coping well. So are we.
Key to all this, was the pooling of (financial) resources and an acceptance on our part that we'd now got 'responsibility'. The properties are in our name (see a decent solicitor) and Mum contributes (with her pensions).