ignoring the lack of punctuation etc
2 points of background info...
A. she has been off work for just over a year with CFS and Fibromyalgia
B. her 95 year old grandad died on Thursday
here you go:
"mojo where for art thou!! So basically i am an empty jar and i need to find my own mojo again and my starting point is the motivation to eat i am managing the breathing.
So i have always kept everything in and not talked about how i am feeling - my dad used to say you dont have to tell your mother everything you know ( obviously protecting her) shame he did not say but you can tell me, oh well YOU HAVE TO LAUGH!- so i did not tell anyone. So because i did not feel my feelings were worth while i thought it was the norm to put everyone else before me (seeing my mum and how she is - so selfless and giving, by the way she was asked at 15 by her dying mother to look after her dad and she took that abit to the extreme at the cost to some extent of her own health, grandad lasted so long because he was so well cared for) it only dawned on me when my mum said she could not go on she was exhausted that she might not be able to be with him that the penny dropped and self preservation was more important than everyone else.
So i am lucky that i get to start a fresh and find me and my motivation in life not pleasing other people, or doing something beacause it is expected. I have been emotionally abusing Poppy - i did not know this until now ( exerting control over her because i did not have control of me !) I get to stop this cycle and at some point i will forgive myself for that at some point in the future i hope. So i know why i am like i am but i am changing i am saying this is how i feel this is what i want i think it is going to be a long journey but my motivation needs to come from me i don't know when and if that will happen i have no control over that. I know i am lucky to be at this point in my life many people carry on and a cycle of behaviour continues. So here's to a new start, i have come so far just by being able to communicate all of this. i know that nobody can change the way i feel but sharing how i feel is my starting point to getting me back .( i am still a caring, bossy person tho so beware!)
I am lucky to have people around me that care Pxx hope i can talk to a proffesional soon to help with the way forward then you don't have to read this! ( see doing it again thinking of others - need to change my bhaviour patterns!) Life hay you have to laugh xxx"