You can do it.
If I can, anyone can.
It's been a bit of a roller coaster tbh, but I'm slowly getting used to myself again.
Worth it for the good times though.
Everytime I have a wobble I read the latest contributions on here and realise that none of us is ever really alone in this.
We are all in it together and that gives me hope.
Love to all,
Pete.
I don't know how I missed this thread. Thank you to the OP and contributors. It is timely as I just got medically repatriated from a work trip today. This is the second time in 2.5 years, and there will be consequences (summoned to work doc etc). I'm very tired right now and couldn't remember all the details but I'll try to summarise.
- I'm problematic, since childhood. Family therapy from age 7. Sertraline (labelled Lustral!) during my parent's divorce aged 15/16. Called a helpline in my early 20s, and ended up with the counsellor in tears as I described my planned dispatching method (not just to go but to go in terror and agony). At school I had also worked out a rig to secure one of our CCF L86A1s, so I could drop a weight and take a full mag, plus one in the chamber. Back to mid20s, got put on something, I forget what, and ended up getting blue-lighted the next day. I was eventually given a very large and moreish pill, discharged myself and took a flight to HGK...
- More recently, I was properly not managing at work, juggling multiple projects. Intense insomnia ensued come early 2019, 1-2 hours sleep per night for 5-6 weeks, learnt many stars under beautiful clear skies. A crescendo was reached, upset team members and attempted death by motorbike. This lead to medevac #1. I convinced the work doc I was ok and I was back on a plane within 10 days, for a conference in Tokyo and back to SEA. I rattled on through the summer, with a séries of improbable injuries (cat attacks, sectioning my finger with an axe) and I stopped booze. Another work-provoked crisis began in September 2019 and I was put on Sertraline 50s. The dam gates had already burst though and by early October I was found by my wife on the floor and got carted off in the special ambulance. 72 hours of suicide watch and observation. The first night it took three massive doses of sleeping pills (was liquid) to knock me out. Then I was admitted to psychiatric hospital for a month, the first two weeks on some sort of special ward. I was put on Sertraline 200s, plus Prazepam and a sleeping pill I don't remember. This was a very odd time and I don't remember very much, except the realisation that others have it way worse than you (an attempted rape victim was in the next room but with the heavy sound insulation I didn't even hear her slitting her wrists and the ensuing intervention. She just turned up again a couple of weeks later). It was in this place I started running again (barefoot as I had no shoes) and caning the rowing machine in the gym. I got let out of there, flew back to run an overseas project and, most laughably, to collect a prize (I was just looking at the audience thinking, "I bet you can't guess where I was two weeks ago..."). I was hunting down à particular drug in one country, for which I had a prescription, but they just didn't have any. I walked in sandals until my feet were bleeding stumps. I got the drug in the next country but only after the grand entertainment of consulting à local doctor, with the translation done by à student, hurrah!
- Early 2020, psychiatrist told me I was "bizarre" and he put me on anti-psychotics, just the thought of which had me in tears. I can't remember what they were but they knocked me out cold. Change psychiatrist and new one says, "no no no" and I get put on bipolar treatment. I should ask for my records as I cannot remember the names, but these drugs had me absolutely wired, couldn't sleep etc. I was only on them à short time when I went cold turkey (not everything else) and it was pretty brutal. I was with my brother and he was looking at me curled up in the footwell of his van, sweating and heaving. Good times.
- Went back to Asia for fieldwork in March. I was fit as a fiddle having gone from 87 to 78 kg (I'm 188 cm tall). I looked like when I was 17 or 18 but with àn old ugly head. Then Covid happened and, as per many others, my work took à séries of huge hits.
- Forget when but I finally came off Prazepam. Painful.
Last month psychiatrist was seeing insufficient improvement with Sertraline, so began tailing that down from 100mg, to be replaced with Clomipromine. More good times were not had - collapsing on my office floor, or being found with my face smeared across my desk. There was a brief trial of Ritalin too, which also did no good.
Having taken all this sh1t I looked at the withdrawal characteristics of clomipromine, which I discover are 'severe'. So I told my psychologist I needed to find out what I'm really like now, and went cold turkey again...
- The last 2-3 weeks have been a total rollercoaster as I am at the mercy of serotonin levels. I could be having a fantastic time doing what I love one minute, to closely contemplating cliffs and the best mass and pointiness of rock for auto-lapidation the next. Crunch point came yesterday when I saw a puppy run over and I simply could not stop crying. Pulled the éjection handle, work pulled me out, and here I am.
@gaidong that's heavy stuff, thanks for sharing.
I hope you figure it all out soon...
@gaidong, That's really hard to read let alone live through. I really hope that you can hang on in there and make the changes (meds, support, whatever) that will give you the balance that you need.
I've been struggling recently; people sharing on here has helped me feel that we are not alone, and has helped me keep my struggles in perspective.
Me? Major breakdown about 13 years ago. On and off the anti-depressants since then. Currently off them for the last 4 months (following an eight month taper) but on a bit of a rollercoaster right now: feel ok for a couple of days, then spend the next few days feeling sad, angry, emotionless or completely detached and ready to give up.
I work in mental health (Forensic psyc. unit)... not sure if that helps or makes things worse!
Best wishes to all here.
Goodness me!
Thanks, still holding on here. I have GP appt Monday, psychologist Wednesday morning and psychiatrist in the afternoon. I picked up a list of the medicines I've taken, but only for 2021... I decided to stop driving after I collected the past prescriptions, it was only a couple of kilometres but I can't concentrate for more than a few seconds, so a menace to all.
I stayed at home the last two days but tried to work today. I messed up the dates between a car rental for my wife and a flight for a colleague - loss of €930... I did just manage to place an order for some bike parts (a front brake, bottles and cages, and some pads), so let's see what actually turns up next week!
You are not alone.
Keep posting.
...but on a bit of a rollercoaster right now: feel ok for a couple of days, then spend the next few days feeling sad, angry, emotionless or completely detached and ready to give up.
I work in mental health (Forensic psyc. unit)… not sure if that helps or makes things worse!
Best wishes to all here.
Me too 🙂
And I've just started another degree course!
What was I thinking?
FWIW, and I think we've mentioned this, I think it helps, massively.
Being around people with infinitely worse problems than me helps puts things into perspective.
I am about 2 weeks in now to sacking the mirtazapine and so far I feel surprisingly good. The actually giving up was quite accidental and i know you should not just go cold turkey however due to just me being clumsy I forgot to order a repeat prx and by the time I had got round to it, it had been a week or so with no ill effects so I decided just to keep going.
I have a pack in stock if I do start feeling it however I have been sleeping really well and my mood is good and usually if I missed 3 or 4 days I started suffering from insomnia and anxiety.
Note I am not for one minute advocating going cold turkey in general, really you should taper but it is working for me.
One thing I had started taking, coincidentally by the way and not in readiness for coming off the mirtazapine, is cod liver oil. I don't know if that has helped a bit - there is certainly anicdotal evidence it can help.
Good luck to everyone who is going through depression whatever stage you're at and let's keep talking about it and supporting each other best we can 🙂
Saw my GP yesterday. She wrote a reference letter for a colleague in code. I got "+++". I don't know how many "+" there are on the scale. She reminded of the '72 hour' ward, which I really hadn't forgotten. Psychologist tomorrow morning, psychiatrist in the afternoon. Maybe a spot of work in between.
I work in mental health (Forensic psyc. unit)… not sure if that helps or makes things worse!
ohhhh ill go here,
often spends the days looking around and thinking that your own mental health issues are worse that those you look after?
Being around people with infinitely worse problems than me helps puts things into perspective.
problem with in-patient mental health is the bed blockers, those there with NFA, the Ho sections, everything takes so long to get someone discharged, you end up with them relapsing before you even get them out, and its such a vicious circle
I am about 2 weeks in now to sacking the mirtazapine and so far I feel surprisingly good. The actually giving up was quite accidental and i know you should not just go cold turkey however due to just me being clumsy I forgot to order a repeat prx and by the time I had got round to it, it had been a week or so with no ill effects so I decided just to keep going.
are you me?
been through Fluoxetine/Citalopram/Mirtazapine in the last 10 months, miss the pharmacy closing and then a bank holiday meant I was 5/6 days without, I felt no different, picked up the prescription, took it for a couple of days and wondered what I was doing, so decided to bin it off, had a really bad couple of days a week ago where suicical thoughts were creeping in, but having been through the wringer with side effects with the rest, I knew it was just that and would pass
And I’ve just started another degree course!
just starting the 3rd year at 40, we have this!
Stay strong friends, and thanks again for sharing.
This thread has helped a lot of people!!!
a little late to the party but cracking thread gents, I doff my cap in all of your general directions.
After two years on 50mgs, my gp upped me to 100mg, as she thought my ongoing fatigue was stress related. Seven weeks in, I’m not sure it’s made much difference, maybe slightly improved, but the side effects are worse. Teeth grinding in my sleep and the most vivid dreams every night. I’d like to drop back down to 50mg but I’m starting a new job in two weeks and don’t want to risk withdrawal symptoms while I’m trying to settle in.
Has anyone tapered from this dose with minimal side effects? Obviously I’m going to speak to the gp before I decide if/when to taper.
I'm really struggling right now. I'm on 200mg daily and I still have the biggest mood swings and really bad down periods. Been finding it hard to get over COVID then the other nasty virus, kids have been off sick too including my profoundly autistic 9 year old step daughter who also hates being stuck inside.
Heading into winter and I'm already exhausted and massively unfit. Had massive rows with my partner, felt suicidal at times. Looks like we are heading towards more COVID problems with school closures or lockdown potentially. Currently sat in a carpark in the woods because I can't be at home without fighting again. Really not sure I can make it through another winter of all this.
Still waiting to see someone re potential ADD diagnosis which I think is the cause of a lot of my issues, but I'm totally convinced I have it and my doctor agrees
Urgh
Is there any way you can figure out how not to fight? I mean, when my wife rips my head off I just don't say anything. It does hurt like hell especially when I know I'm right, but I just need to avoid a fight.
Battling on here. Well over a month with the mirtazapine and it's been err... interesting. Good days, bad days, a nagging pressure in my head that builds for a while then goes. But, I am just trying to do something every day, even if it is just something small.
Walk the dogs, cut that bush down in the garden I've been meaning to tackle for ages, go flying. Whatever, just something so I do not regress into the pit of darkness and despair and end up not doing anything for days on end.
I am lucky that my job is essentially stress free and I enjoy it. That helps enormously as it is one less thing to have to fight. I've gone through this stage when I was in a job I didn't enjoy and it proved impossible.
I’m on 200mg daily and I still have the biggest mood swings and really bad down periods
One of the things I have found interesting is that, outwardly at least, I am calmer and can modulate my temper better without the ADs. With the mirtazapine it was all or nothing. I was either calm and 'happy' or then I lost it completely with very little middle ground. Internal mental battles aside when dealing with challenging situations I have a wider range of emotion so to speak it seems. It is one of the reasons I am really trying staying off it.
Also if whichever anti-depressant isn't doing it for you instead of going on increasingly higher doses ask to try something else. Fluoxetine and sertraline didn't work for me and it wasn't until I hit the mirtazapine that I felt the benefits.
Davros, I alternated 100/50/100/50 for about 3 weeks. I was a bit angry in that period. If doing it again I'd snap pills and do 100/75/50
Oh heck, that's awful Grum! Feel for you! Maybe speak to the doc before it gets any harder?
Thanks Neil, I'm going to see stick with it for a few more weeks then decide whether it's a good idea. Maybe the side effects will have settled down by then 🤞
Ah bollocks, looks like I've had a tiny bit of a breakdown. 😐
Doctor phoning me this afternoon.
It's not good.
I've pretty much had enough, can't cope with this anxiety any more.
Looks like I'll be back on the Sertraline for a while.
Thank you.
Ah bollocks, looks like I’ve had a tiny bit of a breakdown. 😐
Doctor phoning me this afternoon.
It’s not good.I’ve pretty much had enough, can’t cope with this anxiety any more.
Looks like I’ll be back on the Sertraline for a while.
Sorry to hear that. Like Duncan said, hang on in there. I know when I'm bad it can seem never-ending, but it always does.
As for me, I'm 7 weeks into Citalopram now, thankfully the side-effects have passed, I won't look forward to doing that again.
At about the 4 to 5 week point I thought "I've got this cracked, I'm sorted here" and got cocky with it, major relapse and intense paranoia / anxiety, then it was good again for a bit.
Today was supposed to be a good day, I had my first counselling session booked for midday. But there was a bit of confusion about times and I'd had to rebook for Thursday, and I have the usual mixed feelings of disappointment to not have gotten started, relief I can continue to bottle stuff up for a bit, and anxiety that I've still got to do it on Thursday.
For anyone who's feeling "it" at the moment, even if you've never had any problems with mental health before, or even like me a few years ago didn't know what Anxiety or depression felt like and you assumed everyone felt like this. There's possibly a good reason.
I was chatting with whoever answered the phone at Mind UK who'll be helping me. it seems they're flat out at the moment. As above, this time of year is hard for a lot of us. Today will be the first day a lot of us will commute home in the dark for the first time, but more than that, Covid ending has caused a huge spike in mental health issues for people. Those of us who carry a lot of Anxiety, despite moaning about the lack of freedom / fearing what would happen to others, and ourselves and all the other usual feelings about a deadly pandemic, actually found some peace in Covid, I know a lot of people with Social Anxiety have been quite vocal about it, but that's not the only kind. A lot of our usual problems with Anxiety became a lot simpler, we had something practical to focus our fears at and we were forced to think far shorter term than we usually do.
I'd avoid, like the ****ing plague, most online 'advise' around mental health, lest you find yourself on the likes of Buzzfeed telling yourself your Bi-Polar because you like blue food colouring or other such nonsense, but if you're that one person who thinks they may be suffering, but like me can't really describe who depression or anxiety feels, because it feels normal so you're here to read what nutter like me are saying. Try this
Yeah, also worth bearing in mind that you might not realise it til later - and also these things manifest differently in different people.
Best of luck to all who are suffering. It will pass, hang on in there and give the meds or therapies a chance. As others havevsaid, the clocks changing and loss of daylight hours doesn't help.
(Says the guy who has been awake since 4am dreading going back to work after a week off, and wondering if a little Citalopram to take the edge off again would be a good idea)
Good luck rustyspanner🤞
So I'm just over a week into withdrawal of sertraline. I'm transitioning over onto Mirtazapine due to side effects with the sertraline, and I'm in the crap middle ground where the new one is only low dose.
Have had vertigo for a week with the withdrawal, but that's now going.
My anxiety isn't here and I'm sleeping well, so the new stuff is doing something right.
What's come back is the anger. I'm just so pissed off
I'd forgotten what this was like and I don't miss it at all
I have been on Sertraline for 5 and a half years now.
Various doses from 150mg at first, down to 25mg before the start of the pandemic (I was even considering trying to come off them in summer 2020) and now I am on 50mg daily.
My worse "withdrawal" symptoms I had was going from 100mg to 50mg. It made me feel quite ill.
I have found that it is a very effective medicine for me. It keeps me on the straight and narrow. At times I almost feel like I am not taking anything. Prior to Sertraline I took Prozac and that made me feel like a robot. It stopped the lows, but also stopped the highs.
The main "side effect" I have noticed with it is that I now struggle to read books or newspapers. I just skim read things. I was not a big reader before, so it is a price worth paying for the good side of the drug.
Good luck to all of you struggling with your mental health problems and those of you who are trying to come off any ADs.
I'm dont think I'm liking the sound of this stuff.
got a prescription sitting around waiting for me to pull the trigger, might sit on it a while longer and see how I get on.
It's a tough decision Mrchrispy, I was very apprehensive, initially refused medication but months later decided to try it. Then bottled it after a few days as I was anxious about side effects etc. But things got worse and I tried again. Ultimately for me, it has had the desired effect but not without downsides. I considered it a last resort and it sounds like you are too. Only you can decide whether it's worth the potential benefits. Good luck whatever you decide.
After another crisis of losing my temper and getting very angry/shouty with my family then feeling terrible I made the slightly maverick decision to stop taking Sertraline. It just doesn't seem to be working the way it should.
I stopped cold turkey 4 days ago and I feel a lot better. I wouldn't want to encourage anyone to do what I did as it's not recommended, and Sertraline has definitely helped me in the past, but I don't think long term use has much evidence to support it. Seeing a doctor next week but my plan is to try and manage my mental health with meditation, exercise, creative activities etc which I've been totally unable to manage recently.
We shall see. Things looking brighter though. If anyone is at KMF this weekend I will be wandering around with a camera trying to look professional. 🙂
Good luck Grum 👍
After a particularly down couple of weeks I had a very long conversation with a GP that has resulted in a suggestion of counselling and prescription for 50mg Sertraline. When I told my wife I broke down and felt shit all evening and I barely slept last night. My wife is an eternal optimist and sometimes her support doesn’t hit the spot but she was really upset that I talked to the GP without telling her, even though it was a spur of the moment decision to do so.
As my weight is part of the problem, I’m concerned with the comments about weight gain on Sertraline. Is it a specific side effect caused by simply taking it or a result of the altered mood, a bit like alcohol dropping inhibitions, meaning people are less bothered by the over eating?
After a particularly down couple of weeks I had a very long conversation with a GP that has resulted in a suggestion of counselling and prescription for 50mg Sertraline. When I told my wife I broke down and felt shit all evening and I barely slept last night. My wife is an eternal optimist and sometimes her support doesn’t hit the spot but she was really upset that I talked to the GP without telling her, even though it was a spur of the moment decision to do so.
As my weight is part of the problem, I’m concerned with the comments about weight gain on Sertraline. Is it a specific side effect caused by simply taking it or a result of the altered mood, a bit like alcohol dropping inhibitions, meaning people are less bothered by the over eating?
I'm by no means an expert, but I suspect that weight gain can't be caused by people being 'less fussed' about things, but it's by no means a given.
Personally, being free of my Anxiety / Depression has given me the energy to really embrace my fitness / eating plan, although during the first few weeks when my system was getting used to it, I did lose a lot of enthusiasm for it, but that said, I often do when the nights draw in, it may have not been a factor.
I'm a few months into it now and I'm not brave enough to say this is permanent or just an up-swing, but I haven't been this happy for years, and better still, rather than it making me complacent, I'm more determined to resolve the core issues of my mental health and the secondary issues that caused the 'breakdown'. I really didn't want the pills to just paper the crack and make it easier to handle an unhappy situation, I wouldn't have taken that with both hands a few months ago, but I've got a clear plan now.
Saw this thread was back again.
After a particularly grim few weeks in and out of work with my anxiety sky rocketing I've finally stopped putting it off this morning and I've got an appointment booked with the GP in 2 weeks time. It's mostly the anxiety rather than depression this time,so that's "better".
The prospect of being comfortably numb for a while is increasingly looking like the least worst option.
I put on a lot of weight when I first started taking Sertraline.
I am trying to think why it happened.
I think that my appetite really increased and I was not aware of how quickly the weight was piling on. I think that if I had been aware of this side effect, I could have made a conscious effort to try and curb some of the excess eating.
My son and daughter are on Sertraline as well.
My daughter is on it for anxiety and intrusive thoughts. She has been on it since the summer and it has helped with her anxiety levels.
My son is on it for society anxiety and obsessively analysing his thoughts. He has been on it for a few weeks and he has told me that he has started to feel slightly better. He is also going to receive some counselling through his university.
Our brains and bodies evolved, they weren't designed and sometimes they need help to get back to normal.
Fwiw, my main reason for not wanting to try meds when I was last having issues was due to the worry of the weight gain - I'm a bit chunky anyway, eating is my coping mechanism, I could see it going badly wrong.
Luckily my GP at the time was great, took my concerns seriously, gave me time to realise that nothing was improving without the meds, and put me on a low dose of Citalopram partly to minimise the risk of weight gain. Presumably took longer for the meds to kick in at the lower dose (5-6 weeks)
Anyone worried about side effects needs to discuss it with their GP - see if there's an alternative to minimise the chances.
I’m a bit chunky anyway, eating is my coping mechanism, I could see it going badly wrong.
I'm the same. I've just gone back on Keto because it's the only thing that has worked for me so I'm hoping that will keep me on the straight and narrow.
YMMV i didn't gain weight on sertraline, but i have since i went on to mirtazapine, but that was also at a time of major stress for me and not much physical activity (writing a masters thesis whilst working full time and going through a break-up)
It's not a given that you will get any if the side-effects mentioned on this thread. My main side-effect from sertraline was night-sweats and shivering.
The benefits of being on these drugs far outweigh the negatives when I wasn't on them.
If you do get side effects or they aren't quite hitting the mark then speak to your doctors. Mine have been brilliant, adjusting where needed to get it right for me.
I'm now on 30mg mirtazapine daily and not feeling any side effects from that, i would suspect at my next review in two weeks i'll need to bump up to 45mg daily, but i'm feeling a lot better having finsihed my withdrawl from sertraline and gotten used to the new one.
Supposedly it's Blue Monday today (marketing bullshit) how's everyone doing? Hope everyone's doing well.
I'm dead pleased to report, after completing my counselling with Mind UK just before Christmas, I started to taper off the ADs. We starts couple counselling on Friday, which sounds like it'll be a barrel of laughs, but hey ho, I'm sure it'll be worth it.
Also completed a professional qualification I've been putting off for months, and I've completed the first draft of my first CV in two decades, I still can't write about myself very positively, but I'll get there.
Am I fixing the symptoms of my mental health issue, or the cause? If anyone knows, answers on a postcard please, but I'm, feeling positive, looking forward to spring, and a list of other stuff I've got lined up, just in case I ever feel like I've got nothing to look forward to again.
I was just thinking about this thread myself and checking in with people. For me, so far so good coming off the mirtazapine. I have bad days. weeks even however I have reached a point where I can accept that and just ride those times out.
The plus side is I can concentrate better, sleep better most of the time and modulate my moods much better. With the mirtazapine I was either up (most of the time) or down and angry. I couldn't really hit any point in between.
Feel there's a way to go yet though and I may relapse however I can just about see light at the end of the tunnel also.
Been up and down in the last few weeks. MrsMC has agreed I can look for a less pressured job at a lower pay, so kind of looking for an easier life.
I've always felt these drugs are an artificial fix and dont address the core issues that are causing depression in the first place. It's cause and effect really, and you can end up in a state of worry about how you would feel were this crutch to be removed.
As such I reckon the likes of CBT and other therapies do more good than chemical interventions, which always have their own side effects to deal with.
Hiya. Hope it's found well for Grum, I missed the stuff a month ago. Hope everyone else is okay too. Lifes good here. If it wasn't blue Monday in a world pandemic with the chance of 2 young kids having to be home schooled again for a bit I'd be sacking it off. As it is, I've put a repeat prescription request in but feel good and will try coming off in a month I reckon.
Pretty sure I can't blame it for my weight gain.... Baby number 3 (now 19mo) and WFH have caused it for me!
Cheers neilnevill and everyone else. I am doing ok. An update:
I have generally found being off the sertraline better, but it's not been plain sailing. Out of the three scenarios of low dose of sertraline not really doing much any more, high dose of sertraline but feeling out of it and lots of side effects, and no sertraline - no sertraline is the best one for me at the moment by some distance. I am finding winter tough though and starting to find depressive thinking coming back a little. I am feeling less brain-fogged and more able to actually get on with some stuff though - also managing a bit more exercise.
I'm strongly considering trying out microdosing psilocybin instead however!
I went through the whole rigmarole of a referral for potential ADHD diagnosis which came back as negative which has taken up a lot of time/energy and left me feeling rather drained and like I may have been on a big wild goose chase that I have involved friends/family in too. I was trying not to make assumptions but was pretty convinced I had it and was very hopeful it might be a key to unlocking some kind progress with chronic depression which years of pills and therapy hasn't really shifted much at all. The NHS (well actually 'Psychiatry UK' subcontracted by the NHS) consider the issues I have identified as being potentially part of ADHD as purely depression/mood related, not ADHD.
I have some issues with the NHS diagnostic method (you have to have had at least some of the symptoms since childhood but my memory of childhood is very poor and children are often very good at masking) but I don't know whether to try and pursue it further. My feeling is that I probably do have ADHD to some degree and for people like me who are generally struggling with life but just about managing the NHS don't really have the resources to help and the threshold is very high to qualify for treatment.
Anyway, sorry for the essay! Hope everyone else is doing as well as possible. Longer, brighter days are coming at least 🙂
