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No really, take up surfing
I can't swim.
But, there's a thing. Maybe I should learn to swim.
I’ve always thought that a holiday feels like that precisely because it’s a holiday, if that was your lifestyle then it would be something completely different and just not the same at all.
I struggle to agree with this entirely (although I can understand the sentiment). However, one of the most enjoyable periods of my life (albeit before getting married, having children etc so I had no responsibilities to concern me) was when I was unemployed for several months in my early 20s. I would go walking around town, sit on a bench and contemplate, go fishing. Everything felt nice and calm and I remember it fondly some 30+ years later. I can honestly say that *if I didn’t need to work to provide for my family* I could happily have a life of pottering around, filling my days with things I enjoy, relearn my artistic side, perhaps do some volunteering.
Agree with most of that reply. I took a long holiday to North Africa when I quit a job many years ago. Planned to do 4 weeks or so, ended up staying for 7 months. Wonderful time pottering about, exploring, diving. Can't imagine getting bored doing it.
At a similar age to the OP we have bought a derelict property in the middle of nowhere. We now spend a lot of time weeding and landscaping grounds and restoring the building. Currently working my way through the 3m high 18 pane windows. Fixing the frames, re-glazing and painting. Its all slow and laborious but very rewarding. No internet, no phone signal, but fantastic mountain biking, wild swimming, and wildlife. Its goes well with me cutting my hours at work.
I relate strongly with this, only another 35 years until I can do what I want to do when I want to do it...
Pretty sure we cant be the only ones that feel like this. You only have 10 more years you can do it! Try and focus on something else that makes you happy, take up a new sport or something.
Yeah there are people with worse issues but clearly it is an issue for us. I don't know if most people are happy with the day to day grind or do they feel like we do?
Couple of thoughts ...
First of all job - I'm lucky as I have a job with distinct projects that begin and end. A job like yours, in sales, where essentially you are on a conveyer belt (my perception, that may not be true) I would find difficult as it's going to appear never ending.... so change roles to something more 'structured'.
Re racing , training, I think the suggestions to jsut go bike packing are laudable, but might not work for you as you may be reminded all the time of how you're missing training, how your fitness is compared to what you want. Alternately, when I quit competitive running, and just ran for fun, I found I could reduce training quite a bit and actually enjoy just running. I kind of quit competitive running as I was running at a high standard, but was getting older, life changes, plus I'd moved (country) and there wasn't a great deal of racing locally, and I didn't want to travel all the time. I got back into climbing, mountaineering instead - maybe surfing isn't a bad suggestion
I think you already have some ideas on how to escape materialisn. You don't need to go and live in a cave, but getting over neighbour envy is a very good thing, and leaves you with a lot of energy to spend on other things
try switching off your electronics for an extended period and see how you get on. We spend far too much of our time staring at screens rather than letting our minds wander. Accepted you need email and web for a lot of modern life but restrict it to only that and put a time limit on it. See how your brain gets on
But, there’s a thing. Maybe I should learn to swim.
Everybody should learn to swim.
Also, go for a walk/ride and sleep outside once in a while. The stars are amazing when you get away from the big cities.
Pretty sure we cant be the only ones that feel like this.
I think you'd have to be extremely lucky not to have felt that way at least once in your life. I'm aware of my privilege to have a job I'm good at and well paid for, but still have days (weeks) where I think WTF am I doing this for.
I don't want to hijack the OPs thread but...
that’s the trouble, at the moment mild depression/anxiety is not necessarily an irrational response to the world.
It's not a recent thing.
No really, take up surfing
I wouldn't recommend this based on what little I've done, and what I know of the OP. He'll be constantly fretting about which beach to go to at what time of day, what board to take and if he can improve things by making some small change to his technique or buying some other piece of kit.
I'd suggest mountain climbing, the kind where you just need boots and a car. For me, that's a far better way to get away from those kinds of thoughts. You're out for 10 hours and it's just you and the hills and you just put one foot in front of the other - one of the most elemental things a human can do. I seriously miss it. One of my best days recently was when I took a day out of our family holiday and walked out of the back of our campsite and straight up the steep side of Cadair Idris as fast as I could.
Swimming lessons sounds a good idea. I try to go swimming once a week, i find i can't physically think about anything else whilst doing it, so its great to switch off.
Re biking: I miss road racing, but find with a family and work etc i can't ride/train 5 days a week, so stopped doing it; its taken me 15 years to accept this ( i do the occasional sprint triathlon though). I have, however, started playing tennis again after a 25 year break and am loving it. Played my 2nd doubles match last night, we lost but still enjoyed it.
I also find gardening helps me too. We have 1/2 an allotment now. Have you tried growing your own food/flowers? Go mental and plant the verge up outside the house. That'll sort the neighbour envy out....
Try something new. Mix up your training. Do some new events/ routes. Pick up a new hobby. You're not on your own.
I find running useful. I don't enjoy it but it is satisfying when it's done.
It's the nearest I ever get to a meditative state. No music, just the breathing and the foot strikes. Run down the canal until the noise of life isn't in my head anymore, then run back.
Spending a day in aimless limbo with nothing to do apart from be in a certain place at a certain time – then solving some customer problem then retire to a quiet hotel room to watch tv or surf or do something on my own, with a run or a bike ride. I loved that
@molgrips - that sounds a lot like third space - not home, not work. It's really important. After all this time WFH and not having a structured plan for getting out of the house once a day at least, I'm starting to realise how a commute actually was a chance to zonk out a bit and process things mentally. I didn't travel much for work over the last few years, but the joy of being on the move to somewhere and not having to do structured work while doing it is something I miss. Most of my good written work (and that's my line of work) is / was done on the hoof.
Yes that sounds like it. Of course it helped significantly that I was generally surrounded by cafes and restaurants that I didn't have to pay for 🙂
I'm very often late for everything except flights for which I was always very early so that I could just sit around for hours doing nothing.
Learning to swim as a route to open water swimming sounds like a great idea. You can get enjoyment from improving your technique but I also find it incredibly meditative when swimming in a lake or sea.
Or perhaps trail running. A bit of a risk on this as with swimming that you get drawn in to competing but I tend to do most of my running as a means of getting out in the hills, not as any kind of training.
“If happiness wasn’t in comfort, was it somehow to be found in being uncomfortable? Was there some need for those of us with no suffering in our lives, to find some?”
a quote that sticks with me.
I always feel better about my day to day life when i have done something that entails being outside my day to day life "enduring" something that i find hard* to appreciate how good life actually is.
admittedly that has been quite tough to do recently for obvious and not so obvious reasons but when i do manage it i always feel better about being at my desk.
*i dont mean going out for a bike ride or doing a bike race - those are part of your normal life currently it seems.
My belief is that you are looking externally for your happiness, but, happiness primarily
comes from within.
Daosim is a good place to start if you want to find inner peace and happiness.
Small print: Daosim plays a big part in my life 🙂
Your OP reads like this to me:
"I'm doing things I'm not enjoying and that makes me sad. I'm not doing things I want to be enjoying which will make me happy."
You are, to be frank, in a rut. You're training and racing because it's what you do, not because it's what you want to do. Yes, it's a shame to sack off a couple of years of training, but if you're not enjoying it and it's just a chore then what's the point? Take up Lego or basketball or synchronised dance or yogurt-knitting or something. Read a book, rent an allotment, listen to loud music with the lights off.
You want solitude? Take it. Get a lightweight tent, sling it on your back and go up a hill, or on your bike, and just **** off somewhere for an overnighter. The world will still turn if you take a night off for a micro-adventure. Back when I was a carer for someone, it took the caree to tell me "if you fall over then you're no use to me." I spent a night next to a lake in the Langdales and I came back recharged.
Yet, I’d love to have a few beers and scoff a kebab at a whim without restriction at times.
Do that, then. Everything in moderation, including moderation.
I always feel better about my day to day life when i have done something that entails being outside my day to day life “enduring” something that i find hard* to appreciate how good life actually is.
Yes. I bike all the time, so it's just routine as you say. So I look for something really hard to do, which is why I did a couple of long ITTs. They were hard physically and mentally but I need a challenge to overcome, and sometimes having to dig really really deep, in a way that you don't do in 90 mins in XC, for me is rewarding.
“I’m doing things I’m not enjoying and that makes me sad. I’m not doing things I want to be enjoying which will make me happy.”
Not quite. More:
“I’m doing things now which restrict my enjoyment on some levels in order to reach a goal. Some of these - work - are no different to other people but I need to be able to manage it. Assuming a status quo, the thought of that for the future is draining my enthusiasm. I'm uncertain how to conduct the next period of my life to increase my happiness.”
Btw I did have a Peroni with Salami and cheese last night which prompted this thread. I do appreciate the rest of your post btw.
You might die tomorrow, do more of what you enjoy. Everyone will have forgotten you in 150 years, who cares about a goal or purpose other than not destroying the planet, whilst enjoying the very fleeting existence we have on it.
Hope that helps!
Have an affair?
He jokes, but it doesn’t half have the potential to change your life!
But what he means is that having an affair can half the potential of your life....
This for me pretty much sums up the op and many other's situation.
“I’m doing things now which restrict my enjoyment on some levels in order to reach a goal.
Fair enough. Point stands though. Is the reward from achieving that goal - assuming you do reach it, which is a whole other argument - sufficiently offsetting your restricted enjoyment? Are you coming out the other side going "well, that was a lot of work, but it was worth it"? Are you coming out the other side at all, even?
Honestly mate, I don't know you from a hole in the ground but based purely on what you've said here it sounds to me like you need to take a breath and take stock of what you're doing. It's totally cool to take a hit for a net gain, but if there isn't a net gain and you're sat there wondering "what's the point" then, well, what is the point? Do something else.
As Randall Graves once said, "shit or get off the pot."
That film (excellent) was followed up by an advert for cars.
That film (excellent) was followed up by an advert for cars.
Perfect for the op then.... More aspirational crap for him to buy.
Wonder if there were some designer sunglasses to match the car?
Before we get too unpleasant here, I want to clear something up.
Take nice cars for example. On the one hand, yes, they are aspirational purchases for some, no doubt about that. Perhaps even many. But you can't deny that they are actually nice in themselves. You might want a car that is quiet, comfortable and fun to drive purely for those reasons, if you have to drive a lot. Suggesting that people who buy nice stuff only do it to impress others is a bit lazy and not necessarily true.
Take nice cars for example. On the one hand, yes, they are aspirational purchases for some, no doubt about that. Perhaps even many. But you can’t deny that they are actually nice in themselves. You might want a car that is quiet, comfortable and fun to drive purely for those reasons, if you have to drive a lot. Suggesting that people who buy nice stuff only do it to impress others is a bit lazy and not necessarily true.
Agreed, there are some things that are nice to use/be in/on whatever.
Theres pleasure to be found in using a bread maker rather than 50p supermarket white, or any car nicer than the base model Korean econobox, or a nice watch that keeps the same time as a £9 casio, or a bike that is (nearly) the same as a pro athlete uses.
It might not be the cheapest option, but if it has the potential to make you happy and you can afford it...
That film is excellent!
But, take up something new. I have to admit I do wander between hobbies over the years. But learning something new from scratch really is wonderful. I was quite an accomplished local time trialist. I gave that up when I realised it really didn't matter, and I was missing out on lots of precious time with my young family. I still ride, but the amount I do is really very little now - I do get pangs of guilt about that, having spent so long getting good at it, and all the money spent on it.
I've recently embarked on the coach to 5K. I really love running! The post run thing, wow!
I've also bought myself a paddle board, which now after 5 or 6 sessions and working out things I'm really loving.
AND we have jsut taken on a full size allotment! We have no idea what we're doing - which is the best bit! So many fantastic things out there, outside of cycling.
Honestly, nothing better in life than embarking on new things.
I'm caring for a 27yr old severely autistic son, your troubles seem a mere bagatelle in comparison.
Until Tinnitus came calling I used to ride off-road m/cycles on the weekend as a coping mechanism, hours out the garage of an evening fiddling with the things listening to Radcliffe and Maloney whilst supping a few also helped.
So,I would recommend some quality time out the mancave or failing that, learn to be satisfied with a certain level of dissatisfaction.
“I’m doing things now which restrict my enjoyment on some levels in order to reach a goal. Some of these – work – are no different to other people but I need to be able to manage it.
This sounds like you just need to work out what your priorities are.
You are doing certain things to reach a goal that causes compromise in other aspects of your life.
If the value of the goal is less than the pain of the compromise then it sounds like a re-prioritisation is in order.
A few years back I was modestly overpaying the mortgage. Doing this meant we had less spare cash available for home improvements and so this was causing frustration.
I realised that overpaying the mortgage a few years early at the expense of not being able to improve our home environment in the present time was a pointless exercise. So we stopped overpaying the mortgage to free up cash.
While this is a financial example, it needn't be.
I get the impression that you are in a reasonably good position financially - although I could be wrong. Would it be possible and feasible to drop to a 4 day week, and take the financial hit but gain an extra day to focus on the things that you would like to do?
Oh, and fwiw, the holiday lifestyle you think you’re aspiring too sounds unbelievably dull and unfulfilling. What you may actually want is a holiday / break / to take up meditation rather than a lifestyle change that you can’t actually realistically have.
Might seem dull and unfullfilling to some but I'd love that lifestyle too. Not being tired all the time and having time to do things is as fulfilling as it gets I my eyes. Then, I don't get bored and don't need things to do. I hate having too many plans and not being able to wake up thinking " what shall I do today". That feeling of freedom is amazing.
Work to me is dull and unfullfilling. It gets in the way of doing what I want to do. Not interested in any other jobs or working for a living. I'd retire now if I could afford to.
OP, don't let others tell you what you want. Only you know what you want, so try to do that now while you still can. If you can retire early to do that then go for it.
Have you considered that you might be overtraining? I speak from personal experience . I have been in your shoes and it turned out to be overtraining. Not the physical , but the mental exertion of constantly aiming for that lofty goal can twist you a bit. I think I have read research where overtraining leads to reduction in testosterone, which can lead to melancholy. Dont ask for links, Im working off memory here.
Also, if you are serious about changing your life to the extent you mention, go into the process mentally expecting to fail. I have two failed attempts at emigration behind me, neither of which I had any control over as freak occurences ended both those dreams, and the ensuing depression claimed 18 months of my life. Sometimes its good to try but also to be happy with what youve got. If a new bathroom is the extent of your worries, feel blessed that it is only temporary and well within reasonable expectation to remedy, if not now then one day.
Do you do things which challenge you, or are you only trying to improve at something you are already good at? Maybe start a new hobby or sport as a raw newbie, maybe something at which you will be uttterly dominated , unless you are that 1% who are naturally gifted. Im thinking boxing, judo, jiu jitsu, etc. Getting manhandled by someone half your size can do wonders for your perspective, and also light a fire under your arse again in your drive to get better than last session. You sound like a competitive person, so this might be right up your street, mental as well as physical stimulation.
FWIW this is about choosing a new car, watch or sunglasses.
Honestly mate, I don’t know you from a hole in the ground but based purely on what you’ve said here it sounds to me like you need to take a breath and take stock of what you’re doing. It’s totally cool to take a hit for a net gain, but if there isn’t a net gain and you’re sat there wondering “what’s the point” then, well, what is the point?
Indeed, this is something I need to think about, I'm not very good at admitting defeat/stepping backwards.
Have you considered that you might be overtraining? I speak from personal experience... ...Not the physical , but the mental exertion of constantly aiming for that lofty goal can twist you a bit
Yes, and thanks for re-iterating this. I have my October break to come and I need to think about this and the earlier Nino context, and perhaps dilute my training to make room for some enjoyment rather than losing 5 days of "other" time to the bike.
Getting manhandled by someone half your size can do wonders for your perspective
C&H?
I’m not very good at admitting defeat/stepping backwards.
And that right there is the problem. That perception of defeat.
In hitting this head-on you're not stepping backwards. You're stepping forwards. You want to better yourself, creating this thread is a win in itself.
So in light of you admitting that you are bad at admitting defeat, take up something where the admitting is taken out of your hands, and you are actively beaten with no doubt. It will do wonders for your perspective.
Sack it off then? Or at least re evaluate if it’s actually worth it.
sacking off the training will free up time and your ability to do other things that impact training without feeling guilty.
aspiring to an unobtainable life is not going to help. it is about as far as you can get from zen or what have you.
sounds like you’re burning out. have a holiday. perhaps have a holiday alone. or a long weekend.
i know lots of folk love their lives and it is a mindset thing. personally i feel bored the majority of the time. however on saturday i’m going to ride 800 vertical meters in one go and not a berm in sight. that will hold me for a few days.
something that struck me the other day is that i never really understood the meaning of the phrase, be thankful for small mercies. i always assumed it was an irritating thing that middle aged people said.
best of luck
It's not easy for me either but it really helps to get into activities where you enjoy the process and don't get too hung on the results. Gardening is very good for this imo - obviously I'm chuffed when something grows well but I'm quite accepting when it doesn't.
I get the impression that you are in a reasonably good position financially – although I could be wrong. Would it be possible and feasible to drop to a 4 day week, and take the financial hit but gain an extra day to focus on the things that you would like to do?
If you can afford to, do it. Better to have an extra day a week to do stuff now, rather than collapse of a stress induced heart attack the week before you retire in 15 years time.
I have my October break to come and I need to think about this and the earlier Nino context, and perhaps dilute my training to make room for some enjoyment rather than losing 5 days of “other” time to the bike.
5 days training and you are wondering why life has lost enjoyment? I wouldn't call that finally finding out really.
You are running on empty, achieving what you already know you can achieve by just doing it over and over, go back and think about how you felt at the beginning, if that is not there its time for a new challenge.
Option 1/ make the most of what you have now. Tinker around the edges to increase the time you spend doing things you like rather than dislike. Divide your energies between family and personal time. Help them to achieve what they want and try to work towards some realistic personal goals yourself - if you must, personal objectives aren't obligatory.
Option 2/ Do something radical. This means your whole family doing something radical. Are they fans of radical? Are you a fan of radical? I think not.
I took option 2 a couple of times in my life, on one occasion it didn't affect anyone but me, the second time Madame was on board - both worked out fine. They both worked out because what looked like madness was thought through and had a reasonable chance of success. If you decide to take the plunge make sure you check how deep the water is and learn to swim first.
I honestly get where your coming from. I was at the same job for over 15 years, money was ok for very easy work.
I recently got a new job to finally shake things up! I'm too busy to even spend money now. What I mean by that is I was just sat at a desk browsing the internet for things to blow all my wage on.
I'm married but we don't have kids, so all the bills get paid and I was just blowing through my disposable every month (no savings etc).
Now I'm driving 100s of miles a day working on my own and get to mix with people from all walks of life, from the mega rich to unemployed people in council houses. The experience has really opened my eyes and allowed me to take stock of what's important to me.
Have a think, try something new etc. Taper your training down and take time to enjoy other things too. Echoing what some others have said, it sounds like your mentally exhausted from trying to maintain a professional amount of training. You can still keep fit, but you don't have to be world class 🙂
There's an old saying that goes something like " The foolish man seeks happiness in the future , the wise man surrounds himself with it " .
Also, first ever thread about life/happiness/stress where Nobody has said “get out and ride your bike more”
Now that’s an achievement.