[Closed] I feel nothing towards my baby

1. No
2. Yes

3. I can't start to imagine what that must feel like and I pity you because of it. My two boys are the best things ever and fatherhood I think has made me better as a person. Being a dad is absolutely frickin awesome x 1000000000000.

1. Did any of you feel like this and did things improve? or,

You're far from the only one. At this stage it's not wrong to be detached from the baby, you're the outsider as they bond with the mother who feeds and nurses them mostly.

It rekon it took a couple of months with me.

Now, my boy is my world.

Lots of change going on all round for everyone. Talk to your wife.

1. Did any of you feel like this and did things improve? or,

yes, was the same for me,I think its normal for a lot of people, yes, it improves.

2. Am I the worlds biggest bastard?

no, normal, its a big change and you'll get used to it.

Brave post, speak to people including the wife.

Come back in 12 months and tell us you still feel the same.

As a father of 3 girls (inc twins) I can say that I'm not a huge fan of newborns, but just wait..... you'll get it.

It's not unusual for either parent to be unable to relate to their baby shortly after birth. And it doesn't mean that you won't be able to love your daughter.

Talk to your wife +1.

1. No I didn't but I wouldn't beat yourself up over it
2. Biggest bastard? - not yet...

...just to get away...

Good luck with this, children really change things but it is manageable.

Postnatal depression can affect Dads too, a local parenting group might offer some help, or your GP - it's good to talk 🙂

I suspect you won't be the first, or the last parent not to feel anything for their child in the immediate aftermath of their arrival.

Small babies are dull. Fully interactive children are (mostly) great. Your time will come!

+1 talk to your wife.

Also talk to the midwife, doctor or whoever does post-natal visits. The perception of post-natal depression is that it only happens to mums, but dads can have the same problems. They will know this and can put you in touch with a counselor if you want/need to talk it out.

No need for flaming, being a dad is super hard and its completely different for everyone, I found it incredibly hard dealing with my first sons arrival, the biggest issue was that he didn't really "do" anything, and that (from a massively selfish point of view) he was coming into my life and making me change things which I didn't want to change (sleep / work / friends / sports, the list is long and distinguished) This got better as he started to react to faces / places etc and despite being only 4 is now probably my best mate.
I wouldn't want to go back to those early days, my wife carried him for 9 months and it probably took this long for me to get used to him being there. It does get better, but its a compromise from all angles.
So no, you're not the worlds biggest bastard 🙂

EBay?

Not everyone bonds immediately. You've got her for life so plenty of time to get to know her.
Talk to your wife.

Don't be too hard on yourself. I didn't want kids whatsoever. I Gave in cos the wife did. All through the pregnancy I was completely disinterested. When the first one was born it was just a pain in the arse tbh. Didn't feel much of a fatherly bond.

Then they start to interact with you when they are a few months old. That's when everything changes. Trust me.

Now my kids 4&8 and I've pretty much given up my social life and career ambitions. I just love spending time with them. I never would have believed that it'd be like this before they were born.

I'm not a dad, but reading your post makes me think there is other stuff going on in your life which might need sorting out and could be having an impact on your ability to bond with your baby. Plus, as others have said, fathers can feel a bit isolated in the first weeks/months. Some of my friends have experienced this but, for them, it did pass.

Yes
No

I felt like a useless **** when the first was born, and got very stressed out.

Mate, it is the most massive, totally life changing experience you will go through (IMHO), so give it time, talk to your wife, make sure you have one job with the baby that is your job (mine was bathing).

All the best.

The reason I have never had one.
Plus I like large amounts of disposable income, quality freetime & peace & quiet.

Well some parents batter or even kill their kids so try not to do that, if you don't trust yourself leave things to Mum.

As my son had to 'come out through the sun roof' I held him for 30 mins or more before she did, instant bond.

Spend as much time as you can with the baby on your own.

Cuddle her, get to know her.

Even at that age it's not only food, shit and screaming for babies.

Brave post.

I'd say the first year is the hardest and especially the first few months. This baby arrives and totally dominates your world, takes away your freedom, your sleep and your partner.
They do little to contribute to the family too and just constantly take.

Just remember that you're not alone and it does get better. The feelings of love will come. As others have said, I couldn't imagine life without my kids now.

Speak to your wife. Share your emotions. She'll feel like this too at some point.

At least you acknowledge you may be in the wrong here, big step. Was fatherhood something you really wanted or did it just happen.

In answer to your questions, I think that it affects many people in different ways. At least you are big enough to admit that the problem may be with you rather than blaming the rest of the world. If things don't improve it may be worth a visit to the GP.

If you really want flaming, go post the same on mumsnet. 🙂

Brave post. I had a baby girl 2 weeks ago too. (congratulation btw.)

I have to admit, I'm pretty ambivalent at the moment too, but (and it's a big BUT), I know it changes. I have a 3 year old and I know I'll feel the same about her the same way I feel about him.

It's all chemicals, the bonding chemicals kick in in different ways for different people. You can't force it. To get the seratonin and oxycotin going try spending more time with her when she's not crying and your body should start to give you a helping hand.

You're not the worst Dad, you're the only one she's got, you've got a long time to be the best Dad, don't think 2 weeks will shape a lifetime.

'likes' loddricks post

New borns are for mums as they don't do owt but you just wait for those first smiles and laughs and interactions. I challenge any dads heart not to melt.

When mini ws mkII arrived I didn't like him. He'd broken the bubble that was me, my wife and his beautiful big sister. He was a pain, suffering badly with reflux and colic. However babies have little personality for the first few weeks and are a huge drain and upset to simple regimes.
I look back at the first few weeks and they are a distant memory, he's now 9, my best bud, kills me laughing with his stupidity, annoys me with his skill on Xbox a skateboard a bike a scooter, is fearless and I wouldn't be without him for a heartbeat!
It will come, but don't let the feelings overwhelm you, book in with the gp, get some proper advice before your resentment eats away at you and then let the magic of parent/fatherhood happen, you'll never look back!

I felt similar towards my son when born, once you get over the inital euphoria of the birth, you feel a bit of a spare part.
Give it time and as your daughter develops you will love them, especially once they start to develop their own character and begin to interact with you.
Women have already carried their child for 9 months and by feeding etc develop a close bond.
Spend time with her and it'll come.
And don't beat yourself up about it. Its often all about the mother and child, with men very much swept to one side.

New born babies are a bit rubbish, they're not really your responsibility at that stage.

I'd say the best bet is to be there to take her when your Mrs needs a kip, other than that just try and make your other half as comfortable as possible.

Things will start to get back to a new normal soon. let the nipper got to sleep in the carry cot then the two of you can leg it down the local and see the lads.

1. Did any of you feel like this and did things improve? or,
2. Am I the worlds biggest bastard?

1) Yes, and yes. Both me and my wife felt the same. I didn't even feel euphoric as they were born. Let's face it, I knew what was going to happen - a baby comes out. All the things I was looking forward to, and the reasons I wanted kids, were still many years away.
2) No

Let's just clear something up. Babies are inert useless things. The only reason people feel attachment to them is the hormones that flow through their brains and the emotional baggage that gets attached. As they develop into people, that's when you really bond with them.

I was also ambivalent about both our babies, but as kids they are fantastic.

What you are experiencing is quite normal - even our antenatal classes made this very clear.

Oh and do not let this guy make you feel like shit:

I can't start to imagine what that must feel like and I pity you because of it.

It's extremely unhelpful, and stupid - just because you don't bond with a screaming writhing thing doesn't mean you won't love your kids [b]when they eventually appear[/b] and enjoy fatherhood.

Remember that human babies are essentially premature, and are still really foetuses for quite a while after birth.

Not much flaming going on is there?

Lots of useful advice - as ever - well done STW dwellers

My 2p - Little babies are a pain in the backside. Ungrateful, relentless, ungiving.

Slowly, things change. You get smiles back. You have fun. You realise having a Dad is just as important as having a Mum for that bundle of snot and nappies.

Give it time. Talk to your family and friends you trust. Don't bottle it up.

TM

1. Yes.

2. No.

I was woefully underprepared for fatherhood in this respect. At this stage, there is virtually nothing that you can do for your daughter - everything she needs is your wife's to give. Your job for now is to help your wife to make sure that these first few weeks go as smoothly as possible. You'll get virtually nothing in return. But - and it will happen, trust me - before long she'll start to recognise you, and there'll be a glimmer of a smile, or something, and it will all have been worth it. IT WILL BE WORTH IT.

So this isn't meant to be a 'suck it up' post; I went through exactly the same and you have my deepest sympathies. But like climbing that dreadful hill for the sweet descent that's on the other side, for now you have to grit your teeth, keep pedalling, and IT WILL BE WORTH IT.

My second was far easier because I didn't expect anything different. i knew how long the hill was, i knew about the descent the other side, you're far better prepared then for the 'suck it up' nature of early fatherhood.

+1 on talk to your wife too. Not in an 'I can't cope' way, but let her know that you're struggling a bit but you're there for her so that she can manage the baby side of things as best as she can.

Sounds like the newborn is the icing on a stressful life cake, and the easiest aspect to focus on as tbe problem.

It's perfectly normal for new dads not to bond straight away, lots of dads talk about it being the first smile or when they grip your hand that it clicks. But it usually does click at sometime, days, weeks or months from now.

And it is really hard to deal with the extra demands on you when you are stressed and sleep deprived. MCJnr couldn't have come into my life at a more inconvenient time, didn't sleep for months, constant crying, both of us exhausted. But he and his sister are my absolute world now. Doesn't matter that my life hasn't gone the way I had planned.

Most important is to talk to your wife, explain how you are struggling, and find a way round it together. Talk to health visitors or your GP as well. The stress and tiredness will explode every fault line in your relationship and personalities, the number of breakups in the first year or two is horrific. Don't become another statistic by refusing to talk and get help.

Well done for posting OP. You're a long way from being alone, it's just one of those things that no one likes to admit to or talk about. Hang in there, don't be ashamed and hide your feelings. Your wife needs to know whats going on, she'll be worried for you right now.

jonm81

1. Did any of you feel like this and did things improve? or,

I wouldn't say I felt the same, I certainly wouldn't have put it in terms like that, but I can empathize with where you are coming from. I think as a man, you can feel like an outsider in the whole process. During all the scans and appointments we went for with our two I think only one midwife spoke to me or even acknowledged my presence.

Then you have the birth, which feels like you're in a scene from a vietnam film. And then the baby is just clamped onto your wife and you're probably hopelessly inexperienced with babies and intimidated or worried by the responsibility. It's a massively emotional, stressful and difficult thing to take on board.

I felt more or less the same ambivalence. My first child got an infection from a needle in hospital when she was born and things were touch and go for a while. I think I deliberately didn't allow myself to get attached in case something happened.

It also took time to really bond when my son was born a few years later.

It did change for me and being a Dad is massively rewarding and my kids are everything to me now.

Don't give yourself a hard time about this just because you are taking time to adjust.

Mine are 13 and 9 still waiting for that bond to form. I don't dislike them massively don't really see the upside.

^^This might not be true^^.

Wasn't into it at first, also I almost lost my wife to the first one so I did the looking after baby for the first few days while she recovered in hospital. I think it's completely normal for a bloke not to be into babies, it's a mum thing IMHO. I had no clue what I was doing, wasn't enjoying it and kept thinking I would break him, I hated it TBH, like keeping a really bad car running.... They do grow on you but you have to understand your life has now unalterably changed you're a dad and both your child and your missus are relying on you to hold fast.

That's the bit I found scary there's no f888ing about now, things matter, you're not a lad anymore! Don't worry though you get used to it and there are times you'll well up because you're so happy.

The reason I have never had one.
Plus I like large amounts of disposable income, quality freetime & peace & quiet.

You are actually my mate Steve & I claim my £5. You forgot to mention your 400K mortgage free house & the 5 renty ones.

I was the same with both my kids, just could not be arsed with them till they were about 3 or 4! I still really do not like kids & am dreading the day my youngest (who's now 28) tells my I'm going to be a grandparent. 😕

To the OP, things will improve but by how much I don't know.

It's perfectly normal for new dads not to bond straight away

And mums.

In a stressed, sleep-deprived state where you have no time to yourself, no freedom, no interaction from your daughter and no obvious function it's tough.

Understanding that it's stressful for dads, it's also stressful, scary and relentless for mums. I found that my job for the first few weeks was basically supporting mum and working as a team to make it as easy as possible for both of us.

Newborn stage isn't much fun, but it doesn't last long.

As others have already said, babies are a massive change and difficult to adjust to, especially when you are incredibly sleep deprived.

So don't beat yourself up, but do please talk about it (carefully - bearing in mind that your missus will be sleep-deprived too, full of hormones and probably a bit edgy).

One thing that helped me bond was plenty of skin-on-skin contact.
A newborn baby sleeping on your chest is a very beautiful thing.

Smell their hair too. (It triggers hormone releases!)

http://www.livescience.com/39858-babys-smell-triggers-brain-reward.html

Having your first baby is like somebody putting your entire life into a blender, then cackling like a maniac as they hit full power. While simultaneously kicking you repeatedly in the plums with a pair of steel toe-capped boots.

You can go to all the nice middle class anti-natal classes in the world. It'll make eff all difference to preparing you for coping with the reality of it. It just turns your life totally upside down. And that takes some serious adjustment

Anyone who says it was all absolutely marvellous right from the off is either insane, or is looking back through very, very, very rose-tinted glasses.

The best advice I could give you is try to smile at all the right prompts, and not to get in the way too much. It will get better, and when it does (as us soppy sods will never cease droning on and on about,), its bloody brill! Me and my daughters have been seeing who could burp the loudest on the school run this morning 😀

Funnily enough, I never really got that newborn baby smell thing. I wonder if not everyone can smell it?

Brave post indeed. Not much to add to what's already been said. Give it time and be honest to your missus about it. Was quite surprised to have some ambivalence towards my daughter when she was born having not experienced it previously with our boy. Took a fair few weeks to pass. I think it's fairly common.

management of expectaions. You thought it was going to be amazing? Let it settle in.
From a Mum's perspective, my poor OH didn't get a look in for months and he was very pissed off about it. Now the girls adore him and I am just a doormat..

Wait until you get a teenager that's when you really start wondering if you can get a refund. Mine is a good lad but still utterly insufferable.

A good friend of mine said watching your first child being born is like watching your favorite pub burn down.

I reckon it felt more like when the Blue Peter garden got vandalised.

Can you talk to your old man? Since he was in your shoes with you once.

Having your first baby is like somebody putting your entire life into a blender, then cackling like a maniac as they hit full power. While simultaneously kicking you repeatedly in the plums with a pair of steel toe-capped boots.

Try it with twins. We walked in the door, put them down, thought 'WTF do we do now?' and then all hell broke loose. For about two years.

This is a tragic post; I feel very sorry for you. Your life has been turned upside-down by the addition of this little person and you desperately need your brain rewired to develop the loving protective instinct that most parents acquire without even trying.

I guess I was lucky that Mrs Gti needed some attention in theatre after our son was born so I was alone with him for an hour in a quiet room, where I was able to hold him and get my head around my new status in life. It was certainly the most emotional time of my life. However I do know that my Dad never managed this with my younger brother and my poor brother went through his young life without any emotional contact (or even less than I had) with a very distant and cold father.

My suggestion is that you take the time to sit quietly with your child, hold her, smell her, see how vulnerable she is and how much she depends on your strength and wisdom and it will certainly come. With regard to sleep, the first three weeks are tough, the next three months are easier and from then on things should improve a lot. The most important thing you can do for a small child is give them ROUTINE. I can't stress this enough; they need the same ritual every evening before bed, the same warmth and love and then bed at the same time, shut the door and walk away. They will demand attention at first but as long as they feel secure and you don't reward wakefulness by giving time and attention they will soon develop the sleep habit.

You did the right thing leaving the baby with your wife when you couldn't settle her. Babies can be very stressful, they're tired but everytime you put them down in their warm bed after rocking them to sleep for 20 minutes they immediately wake up and start crying again because they're tired! But you were just asleep!

Its very important to know when you've reached the point of ultimate frustration, and even if it means putting a crying baby down in a safe place (cot, playpen etc.) and walking away for a few minutes to calm down it is better than ending up losing your temper.

They will demand attention at first but as long as they feel secure and you don't reward wakefulness by giving time and attention they will soon develop the sleep habit.

Not me but a very good friend, after years of trying for a kid and watching friends have theirs and being told how it'd change everything, she spent the first 6 months in her words "regretting everything", not feeling any connection with the baby, and resenting all the changes to her life. But mostly she says she felt bad because people were so relentless about telling her how amazing motherhood was and how she should feel- so she wasn't just distraught about how she felt about motherhood, she felt like everyone was out to criticise her too. So I was the first person she told, after months, just because she knows I'm basically a misanthrope and crap at babies anyway- she was afraid to even breathe a word of it to anyone else. It changed over time in a lot of ways, and she loves the wee man now, though I'll be honest and say she still wishes they'd waited- it's worked out though.

Anyway... Not sure what the point is. It's bad enough feeling bad, don't feel bad about feeling bad, I suppose.

1. Did any of you feel like this and did things improve? or,
2. Am I the worlds biggest bastard?

No but I can understand that they are not that interesting for the first 3 months.

Not for admitting you feel like this, but I think it was lousy to run off to work at 3am leaving your wife to it. You don't need to even do stuff with the baby but help your wife out around the house, give her a wee rest etc It takes them a long time to recover and like it or not the baby is a shared responsibility.

Forgot to say:

Some friends came to see us/him not long after MCJnr was born. They already had 3 of their own.

I remember Pete looking me in the eye after the initial greetings and "can I hold him?"s and he said "How is dad getting on? Cos no bugger ever cares about us". And he was right.

This is a tragic post; I feel very sorry for you. Your life has been turned upside-down by the addition of this little person and you desperately need your brain rewired to develop the loving protective instinct that most parents acquire without even trying.

That's pretty damaging. The guy's wondering if there's something wrong with him and you're putting the boot in by telling him there really is. How's that going to make him feel at a vulnerable point?

But mostly she says she felt bad because people were so relentless about telling her how amazing motherhood was and how she should feel

Exactly.

I think it was lousy to run off to work at 3am leaving your wife to it.

We both did some desperate shit in the first three months. Don't worry about it, as long as you keep trying.

They don't do much at that age and it can be really frustrating knowing what to do. Feed, cry, change, sleep, repeat.

I took 3 months off (only went to work last week) after our second was born. Assuming your wife is breastfeeding, can she express and you feed her? Ours does not like the bottle, the midwife gave us a feeding tube and this allowed me to feed her by holding the tube on my finger and her going for it like it was a nipple.

It is hard, and sometimes when they cry you feel useless as you can't seem to help. You will bond but as others have said it's a total upheaval and change in the home dynamic.

Perhaps if you did things for the wife - fluff the cushions, run the hoover round, stick a load of washing on, just little things that mean she's not worrying about silly house chores that take five mins.

I feel for ya, but you'll get through it.

1. Did any of you feel like this and did things improve? or,
2. Am I the worlds biggest bastard?

1. A little. My wife coped really well with the first one, and I wasn't really sure what to do. Never fails to surprise me that after a day or so in hospital, they give you this bundle of flesh and blood, and expect you to know exactly what do with it. For our second, my wife had to go to theatre with a fairly major bleed, so was left holding him and worrying whether my wife would come back. Bonded pretty well then. They're now teenagers and can be summed up as challenging (in the usual teenage way) but fantastic.

2. Not at all

If you look at research into incidence of depression among new fathers - and that's full blown seeing your doctor-type depression - you'll see that plenty suffer from it.

eg: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20819960

So your feelings of detachment are most definitely not unusual, and may be pretty common, judging by many of the comments on this thread.

There is a preconception that birth is this wonderful moment for dads and mums, and that bonding is instantaneous and powerful. It clearly isn't, so go easy on yourself, and give it time.

Perhaps if you did things for the wife - fluff the cushions, run the hoover round, stick a load of washing on, just little things

Or maybe some BIG stuff like all the cleaning and cooking.. FFS! I doubt she gives a shit about fluffly cushions tbh.

Deffinitely didnt feel nothing toward our newborns but

it is an incredibly stressful time lack of sleep, worrying about wife family, work, and a huge change in lifestyle, Stress can be a powerful and subtle thing!

but things settle down, you get into a routine and most importantly they (kids) just keep getting better
my wife loved them as newborns but for me it gets really special when they can interact with you, their first steps, words, bike ride and persoanlly I love the questions...
whats under the ground
where does my voice come from
whats inside me
tell me about the sun
mummy wheres your willy gone??!

all that sort of stuff

This is more common than you may imagine OP - because people don't talk about it as honestly as you have. As said earlier go and have a chat with your GP as post-natal depression can affect men too. If he doesn't listen ask to speak to someone else at the practice or another one.

Babies are a huge shock to the system and your way of life and the expectation that is pushed on us by society to love our children instantly can put you under additional pressure. This can then become a bit of a cycle...

I think you might need to try and give yourself a bit of a break. Don't be so hard on yourself. Your feelings are then likely to develop naturally with time and space.

The only thing you need to be careful of is that you make sure your current feelings don't interfere with the quality of care you are providing. You don't need to be emotionally involved to look after a baby.

My boys were born early and spent quite a few weeks in hospital. It took me some time to bond fully with them because I hadn't had much time or opportunity to care for them. So, no you are not alone.

Try it with twins

I wonder if it is easier having twins because you just don't have time to stop and reflect. Mine are 15 months now and I sometimes feel like I have no memory of my life before.

mummy wheres your willy gone??!

One of my daughters favourites! She also was concerned because she couldn't find her own...

like keeping a really bad car running....

Oh how true is this?!

We both did some desperate shit in the first three months. Don't worry about it, as long as you keep trying.

Yep!

You're not alone at all mate. Call your wife now, try to explain (you won't, but it'll be appreciated). My son bloody hated me for the first 6+ months, and I had pretty bad feelings the other way. We're getting on well now, as they get older, there's so much more you'll want to be involved in.

The first 6 months are shite for any parent in reality. Bugger all sleep, frayed nerves, and a total life change that really happened in 24hrs...

[i]It's not unusual for either parent to be unable to relate to their baby shortly after birth. And it doesn't mean that you won't be able to love your daughter.[/i]

Too true, I was a rotten dad in the early days of my kid's life.
Later, I even gave up mountain biking on weekends for him.. (can you imagine such love?! 😀 )

I wonder if it is easier having twins because you just don't have time to stop and reflect. Mine are 15 months now and I sometimes feel like I have no memory of my life before.

Don't tell anyone that. Other people with young babies look at you like you're superhuman and I'd like to hold on to that illusion. 🙂

I wonder if it is easier having twins because you just don't have time to stop and reflect. Mine are 15 months now and I sometimes feel like I have no memory of my life before.

Not in my experience. We had a daughter of 2 and twin new borns. Was bloody hard work both times!

I can sympathise with the OP.

I was overwhelmed by the arrival of my wee boy but it certainly wasn't all beer and skittles. I felt a bit of "this is the best thing in the world, why is my heart not bursting from my chest every time I look at him?" The older he gets, the more we connect, the more I love him.

IMO the bond between parent and child forms over time. Yes you are feeling it very tough and you're distant right now but unless you give that bond a chance things will never change.

It's the most emotional thing you, your partner and the relationship between you two will have experienced - no wonder things get heated!

My experience in parenthood is that you need to [b]grow up [/b]for it to work. Child comes first. If you and your partner work together, communicate, tackle issues, you'll make progress.

Your post is a good step to fixing the situation. Communicate.

Hollywood has a lot to answer for!

Anyway... Not sure what the point is. It's bad enough feeling bad, don't feel bad about feeling bad, I suppose.

This.

I remember Pete looking me in the eye after the initial greetings and "can I hold him?"s and he said "How is dad getting on? Cos no bugger ever cares about us". And he was right.

And unfortunately this...

I think what the OP is feeling is perfectly normal. You can't have a genuine feeling for somebody you don't know yet. Especially somebody who is stealing all the attention from the woman you love.

It will come; don't worry.

As a father of 3 and a grandad of 1, you soon develop an unconditional love for them. It doesn't mean you have to like them though 8)

If anything being honest about how you are feeling is better than bottling it up and eventually exploding.

I'm a big soft git who loved my kids from the second they were born, but I don't think your a bastard OP, you are simply wired differently from me...

I know Dad's who've just not taken to their kids during the baby phase and TBH once you get past the Cuteness thing (if such things bother you at all) they are pretty dull and rather high maintenance, They're not all that interesting until they start doing stuff and communicating properly...

These days any Women who report feeling as you do OP are listened to, helped and not treated like pariahs, it is of course expected that men, lacking the unstable hormone profile, and silly social expectations that women have drummed into them, will unconditionally Swoon over their kids, I'd like to see the same sort of support extended to Dad's who find they don't simply take to fartherhood...

Don't sweat it, talk to someone (professional, not us lot on the Internetz, We're not actually qualified)... but your certainly not a bastard...

You need to accept that your old life is over. A new era has begun and it brings more reward than any amount of disposable income or any possessions. Don't fight it and help your wife out as much as possible. Your time will come. I have twins who were born 2 months early that was a right trip but you come through it. Good luck.

Babies are frankly dull and neither of us felt an instant bond. They're 6 and 8 now and the most fun ever.

A word of warning though, watch out for post natal-depression in your other half. It crept up on both of us and lead to a tough old time. The best description that helped to explain it to me was that a woman is full of hormones after birth that she is new to and sometimes too vulnerable to deal with. Make sure you give her some time completely away from the nipper and take the fact you're just as tired on the chin -ther's a reason we blokes are supposed to be the head of the household.
Good luck.

IMO the bond between parent and child forms over time.

Yes, and it keeps evolving as they reinvent themselves over and over again.

First you get a screaming newborn, then you get the cute sitting up playing baby, then the amiable toddler, then the angry one, then the early talking one then it's a little kid talking, then it turns into the 'Why?' one.. then a bit later you realise you're having real conversations and they are telling you their bonkers stories.

They change hugely. There's only minimal connection between who my daughter was at 2 and who she is now at 5.

1) Yes -- to some extent all new dads feel this
2) dunno only you can tell

The mum spends 9 months coming to terms with it whilst a father only has the stark realisation its actually happening when the baby pops out and theres not refund and return policy. Hey you knew it was coming but no one gave us the handbook.
Dont be fooled into thinking one size fits all, every kid is different and each parent has to deal with their own kids 24/7 ( see above posts re relentless) . After all, who else is there at feeding times and 3am when they wont sleep! ( I dont see any of those armchair know it all parents giving a hand!).

We all find our own way with our kids and they will build a relationship with you with the time you spend with them whether its alot or a little.
What I will say is dont cave into the other peoples way to bring up your child, eg do it like this and do it like that. Or take the short cut and say its easier if someone else to do it. You learn via your own experience and hence will be rewarded for it accordingly even if it involves a few wrong turns along the way. Dont let other people judge you or make you feel inferior because of it!

Dont worry too much as I reckon most dads feel like a spare part in the early weeks. Bear in mind its also a learning adventure for the mum to so why not agree to do it together. Ask questions , enjoy the tough times cos they pass all too quickly even though it doesn't seem like it at the time. Good luck and enjoy!

dont be hard on yourself OP.
thing wills get better.
mrs gonzy got pregnant 3 months after we got married. at the same time my mum died and i was going through a rough patch. when gonzy mk1 finally arrived i actually cried whilst holding him...but for some reason in the following months i was a bit distant with him as i was trying to make mental readjustments to everything. mrs gonzy spotted this straight away and would always question whether i felt anything toward gonzy mk1. after about 4 months it finally clicked with me and the little git became the centre of my universe...i felt bad about how i was distant with him for the first 4 months and we decided we would not try for another for as long as we could simply so that i could enjoy him and spoil him rotten.
5 years later gonzy mk2 arrived and my bond with her was instant....i love her to bits but then she is daddys little princess!!
gonzy mk3 turned up 5 months ago and again for about a month i was a bit distant with him but this was simply because we were both trying to cope with having 3.
having said all that i love them all to bits and wouldnt change anything for the world.
thing will change and the way you feel about your daughter will improve as time goes by...just speak to your wife about how you feel

i got home last night form work absolutely pissed wet through...mk1 ran downstairs to greet me...mk2 ran from the kitchen to give me a hug and kiss and mk3 was sat on the sofa...as soon as he saw me his face lit up, he started kicking his hands and feet and he started babbling and making noises like as if he was trying to say something to me....moments like this are yet to come for you OP and when they do, you will realise that it was worth it.

molgrips - Member
Perhaps if you did things for the wife - fluff the cushions, run the hoover round, stick a load of washing on, just little things
Or maybe some BIG stuff like all the cleaning and cooking.. FFS! I doubt she gives a shit about fluffly cushions tbh.

Then you probably haven't squeezed out a 4.5kg baby that was posterior and had a constantly hungry child that needed more breastmilk than you knew how to cope with, got mastitis and also a bad back from giving birth to said 4.5kg baby. She needed cushions fluffing.

I took 3 months off, and we have a 3 y/o. I'm not going to list the whole task list. Don't be so ****en pedantic.

She needed cushions fluffing.

Of course, but you made it sound like a token gesture, and that she could still crack on with all the other woman's work as normal... Quite an important issue, not pedantry at all.

What the OP describes is pretty common. I threw myself into the parenting lark 100% - I found that doing the baths and lots of cuddles really helped me to bond with her. You're then better able to cope with the endless crying, pooing, screaming and non-sleeping that goes with every new-born. It does get easier, I promise.

Like many others have said, when your baby is a few months old, starts waving and smiling back at you, you'll absolutely love it. Our second is 11 months now, and crawls over to me as soon as I get in from work, screaming "da da". It's pretty cool.