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A good friend of mine said watching your first child being born is like watching your favorite pub burn down.
I reckon it felt more like when the Blue Peter garden got vandalised.
Can you talk to your old man? Since he was in your shoes with you once.
Having your first baby is like somebody putting your entire life into a blender, then cackling like a maniac as they hit full power. While simultaneously kicking you repeatedly in the plums with a pair of steel toe-capped boots.
Try it with twins. We walked in the door, put them down, thought 'WTF do we do now?' and then all hell broke loose. For about two years.
This is a tragic post; I feel very sorry for you. Your life has been turned upside-down by the addition of this little person and you desperately need your brain rewired to develop the loving protective instinct that most parents acquire without even trying.
I guess I was lucky that Mrs Gti needed some attention in theatre after our son was born so I was alone with him for an hour in a quiet room, where I was able to hold him and get my head around my new status in life. It was certainly the most emotional time of my life. However I do know that my Dad never managed this with my younger brother and my poor brother went through his young life without any emotional contact (or even less than I had) with a very distant and cold father.
My suggestion is that you take the time to sit quietly with your child, hold her, smell her, see how vulnerable she is and how much she depends on your strength and wisdom and it will certainly come. With regard to sleep, the first three weeks are tough, the next three months are easier and from then on things should improve a lot. The most important thing you can do for a small child is give them ROUTINE. I can't stress this enough; they need the same ritual every evening before bed, the same warmth and love and then bed at the same time, shut the door and walk away. They will demand attention at first but as long as they feel secure and you don't reward wakefulness by giving time and attention they will soon develop the sleep habit.
You did the right thing leaving the baby with your wife when you couldn't settle her. Babies can be very stressful, they're tired but everytime you put them down in their warm bed after rocking them to sleep for 20 minutes they immediately wake up and start crying again because they're tired! But you were just asleep!
Its very important to know when you've reached the point of ultimate frustration, and even if it means putting a crying baby down in a safe place (cot, playpen etc.) and walking away for a few minutes to calm down it is better than ending up losing your temper.
They will demand attention at first but as long as they feel secure and you don't reward wakefulness by giving time and attention they will soon develop the sleep habit.
One step at a time, eh?
Not me but a very good friend, after years of trying for a kid and watching friends have theirs and being told how it'd change everything, she spent the first 6 months in her words "regretting everything", not feeling any connection with the baby, and resenting all the changes to her life. But mostly she says she felt bad because people were so relentless about telling her how amazing motherhood was and how she should feel- so she wasn't just distraught about how she felt about motherhood, she felt like everyone was out to criticise her too. So I was the first person she told, after months, just because she knows I'm basically a misanthrope and crap at babies anyway- she was afraid to even breathe a word of it to anyone else. It changed over time in a lot of ways, and she loves the wee man now, though I'll be honest and say she still wishes they'd waited- it's worked out though.
Anyway... Not sure what the point is. It's bad enough feeling bad, don't feel bad about feeling bad, I suppose.
1. Did any of you feel like this and did things improve? or,
2. Am I the worlds biggest bastard?
No but I can understand that they are not that interesting for the first 3 months.
Not for admitting you feel like this, but I think it was lousy to run off to work at 3am leaving your wife to it. You don't need to even do stuff with the baby but help your wife out around the house, give her a wee rest etc It takes them a long time to recover and like it or not the baby is a shared responsibility.
Forgot to say:
Some friends came to see us/him not long after MCJnr was born. They already had 3 of their own.
I remember Pete looking me in the eye after the initial greetings and "can I hold him?"s and he said "How is dad getting on? Cos no bugger ever cares about us". And he was right.
This is a tragic post; I feel very sorry for you. Your life has been turned upside-down by the addition of this little person and you desperately need your brain rewired to develop the loving protective instinct that most parents acquire without even trying.
That's pretty damaging. The guy's wondering if there's something wrong with him and you're putting the boot in by telling him there really is. How's that going to make him feel at a vulnerable point?
But mostly she says she felt bad because people were so relentless about telling her how amazing motherhood was and how she should feel
Exactly.
I think it was lousy to run off to work at 3am leaving your wife to it.
We both did some desperate shit in the first three months. Don't worry about it, as long as you keep trying.
They don't do much at that age and it can be really frustrating knowing what to do. Feed, cry, change, sleep, repeat.
I took 3 months off (only went to work last week) after our second was born. Assuming your wife is breastfeeding, can she express and you feed her? Ours does not like the bottle, the midwife gave us a feeding tube and this allowed me to feed her by holding the tube on my finger and her going for it like it was a nipple.
It is hard, and sometimes when they cry you feel useless as you can't seem to help. You will bond but as others have said it's a total upheaval and change in the home dynamic.
Perhaps if you did things for the wife - fluff the cushions, run the hoover round, stick a load of washing on, just little things that mean she's not worrying about silly house chores that take five mins.
I feel for ya, but you'll get through it.
1. Did any of you feel like this and did things improve? or,
2. Am I the worlds biggest bastard?
1. A little. My wife coped really well with the first one, and I wasn't really sure what to do. Never fails to surprise me that after a day or so in hospital, they give you this bundle of flesh and blood, and expect you to know exactly what do with it. For our second, my wife had to go to theatre with a fairly major bleed, so was left holding him and worrying whether my wife would come back. Bonded pretty well then. They're now teenagers and can be summed up as challenging (in the usual teenage way) but fantastic.
2. Not at all
If you look at research into incidence of depression among new fathers - and that's full blown seeing your doctor-type depression - you'll see that plenty suffer from it.
eg: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20819960
So your feelings of detachment are most definitely not unusual, and may be pretty common, judging by many of the comments on this thread.
There is a preconception that birth is this wonderful moment for dads and mums, and that bonding is instantaneous and powerful. It clearly isn't, so go easy on yourself, and give it time.
Perhaps if you did things for the wife - fluff the cushions, run the hoover round, stick a load of washing on, just little things
Or maybe some BIG stuff like all the cleaning and cooking.. FFS! I doubt she gives a shit about fluffly cushions tbh.
Deffinitely didnt feel nothing toward our newborns but
it is an incredibly stressful time lack of sleep, worrying about wife family, work, and a huge change in lifestyle, Stress can be a powerful and subtle thing!
but things settle down, you get into a routine and most importantly they (kids) just keep getting better
my wife loved them as newborns but for me it gets really special when they can interact with you, their first steps, words, bike ride and persoanlly I love the questions...
whats under the ground
where does my voice come from
whats inside me
tell me about the sun
mummy wheres your willy gone??!
all that sort of stuff
This is more common than you may imagine OP - because people don't talk about it as honestly as you have. As said earlier go and have a chat with your GP as post-natal depression can affect men too. If he doesn't listen ask to speak to someone else at the practice or another one.
Babies are a huge shock to the system and your way of life and the expectation that is pushed on us by society to love our children instantly can put you under additional pressure. This can then become a bit of a cycle...
I think you might need to try and give yourself a bit of a break. Don't be so hard on yourself. Your feelings are then likely to develop naturally with time and space.
The only thing you need to be careful of is that you make sure your current feelings don't interfere with the quality of care you are providing. You don't need to be emotionally involved to look after a baby.
My boys were born early and spent quite a few weeks in hospital. It took me some time to bond fully with them because I hadn't had much time or opportunity to care for them. So, no you are not alone.
Try it with twins
I wonder if it is easier having twins because you just don't have time to stop and reflect. Mine are 15 months now and I sometimes feel like I have no memory of my life before.
mummy wheres your willy gone??!
One of my daughters favourites! She also was concerned because she couldn't find her own...
like keeping a really bad car running....
Oh how true is this?!
We both did some desperate shit in the first three months. Don't worry about it, as long as you keep trying.
Yep!
You're not alone at all mate. Call your wife now, try to explain (you won't, but it'll be appreciated). My son bloody hated me for the first 6+ months, and I had pretty bad feelings the other way. We're getting on well now, as they get older, there's so much more you'll want to be involved in.
The first 6 months are shite for any parent in reality. Bugger all sleep, frayed nerves, and a total life change that really happened in 24hrs...
[i]It's not unusual for either parent to be unable to relate to their baby shortly after birth. And it doesn't mean that you won't be able to love your daughter.[/i]
Too true, I was a rotten dad in the early days of my kid's life.
Later, I even gave up mountain biking on weekends for him.. (can you imagine such love?! 😀 )
I wonder if it is easier having twins because you just don't have time to stop and reflect. Mine are 15 months now and I sometimes feel like I have no memory of my life before.
Don't tell anyone that. Other people with young babies look at you like you're superhuman and I'd like to hold on to that illusion. 🙂
I wonder if it is easier having twins because you just don't have time to stop and reflect. Mine are 15 months now and I sometimes feel like I have no memory of my life before.
Not in my experience. We had a daughter of 2 and twin new borns. Was bloody hard work both times!
I can sympathise with the OP.
I was overwhelmed by the arrival of my wee boy but it certainly wasn't all beer and skittles. I felt a bit of "this is the best thing in the world, why is my heart not bursting from my chest every time I look at him?" The older he gets, the more we connect, the more I love him.
IMO the bond between parent and child forms over time. Yes you are feeling it very tough and you're distant right now but unless you give that bond a chance things will never change.
It's the most emotional thing you, your partner and the relationship between you two will have experienced - no wonder things get heated!
My experience in parenthood is that you need to [b]grow up [/b]for it to work. Child comes first. If you and your partner work together, communicate, tackle issues, you'll make progress.
Your post is a good step to fixing the situation. Communicate.
Hollywood has a lot to answer for!
Anyway... Not sure what the point is. It's bad enough feeling bad, don't feel bad about feeling bad, I suppose.
This.
I remember Pete looking me in the eye after the initial greetings and "can I hold him?"s and he said "How is dad getting on? Cos no bugger ever cares about us". And he was right.
And unfortunately this...
I think what the OP is feeling is perfectly normal. You can't have a genuine feeling for somebody you don't know yet. Especially somebody who is stealing all the attention from the woman you love.
It will come; don't worry.
As a father of 3 and a grandad of 1, you soon develop an unconditional love for them. It doesn't mean you have to like them though 8)
If anything being honest about how you are feeling is better than bottling it up and eventually exploding.
I'm a big soft git who loved my kids from the second they were born, but I don't think your a bastard OP, you are simply wired differently from me...
I know Dad's who've just not taken to their kids during the baby phase and TBH once you get past the Cuteness thing (if such things bother you at all) they are pretty dull and rather high maintenance, They're not all that interesting until they start doing stuff and communicating properly...
These days any Women who report feeling as you do OP are listened to, helped and not treated like pariahs, it is of course expected that men, lacking the unstable hormone profile, and silly social expectations that women have drummed into them, will unconditionally Swoon over their kids, I'd like to see the same sort of support extended to Dad's who find they don't simply take to fartherhood...
Don't sweat it, talk to someone (professional, not us lot on the Internetz, We're not actually qualified)... but your certainly not a bastard...
You need to accept that your old life is over. A new era has begun and it brings more reward than any amount of disposable income or any possessions. Don't fight it and help your wife out as much as possible. Your time will come. I have twins who were born 2 months early that was a right trip but you come through it. Good luck.
Babies are frankly dull and neither of us felt an instant bond. They're 6 and 8 now and the most fun ever.
A word of warning though, watch out for post natal-depression in your other half. It crept up on both of us and lead to a tough old time. The best description that helped to explain it to me was that a woman is full of hormones after birth that she is new to and sometimes too vulnerable to deal with. Make sure you give her some time completely away from the nipper and take the fact you're just as tired on the chin -ther's a reason we blokes are supposed to be the head of the household.
Good luck.
IMO the bond between parent and child forms over time.
Yes, and it keeps evolving as they reinvent themselves over and over again.
First you get a screaming newborn, then you get the cute sitting up playing baby, then the amiable toddler, then the angry one, then the early talking one then it's a little kid talking, then it turns into the 'Why?' one.. then a bit later you realise you're having real conversations and they are telling you their bonkers stories.
They change hugely. There's only minimal connection between who my daughter was at 2 and who she is now at 5.
1) Yes -- to some extent all new dads feel this
2) dunno only you can tell
The mum spends 9 months coming to terms with it whilst a father only has the stark realisation its actually happening when the baby pops out and theres not refund and return policy. Hey you knew it was coming but no one gave us the handbook.
Dont be fooled into thinking one size fits all, every kid is different and each parent has to deal with their own kids 24/7 ( see above posts re relentless) . After all, who else is there at feeding times and 3am when they wont sleep! ( I dont see any of those armchair know it all parents giving a hand!).
We all find our own way with our kids and they will build a relationship with you with the time you spend with them whether its alot or a little.
What I will say is dont cave into the other peoples way to bring up your child, eg do it like this and do it like that. Or take the short cut and say its easier if someone else to do it. You learn via your own experience and hence will be rewarded for it accordingly even if it involves a few wrong turns along the way. Dont let other people judge you or make you feel inferior because of it!
Dont worry too much as I reckon most dads feel like a spare part in the early weeks. Bear in mind its also a learning adventure for the mum to so why not agree to do it together. Ask questions , enjoy the tough times cos they pass all too quickly even though it doesn't seem like it at the time. Good luck and enjoy!
dont be hard on yourself OP.
thing wills get better.
mrs gonzy got pregnant 3 months after we got married. at the same time my mum died and i was going through a rough patch. when gonzy mk1 finally arrived i actually cried whilst holding him...but for some reason in the following months i was a bit distant with him as i was trying to make mental readjustments to everything. mrs gonzy spotted this straight away and would always question whether i felt anything toward gonzy mk1. after about 4 months it finally clicked with me and the little git became the centre of my universe...i felt bad about how i was distant with him for the first 4 months and we decided we would not try for another for as long as we could simply so that i could enjoy him and spoil him rotten.
5 years later gonzy mk2 arrived and my bond with her was instant....i love her to bits but then she is daddys little princess!!
gonzy mk3 turned up 5 months ago and again for about a month i was a bit distant with him but this was simply because we were both trying to cope with having 3.
having said all that i love them all to bits and wouldnt change anything for the world.
thing will change and the way you feel about your daughter will improve as time goes by...just speak to your wife about how you feel
i got home last night form work absolutely pissed wet through...mk1 ran downstairs to greet me...mk2 ran from the kitchen to give me a hug and kiss and mk3 was sat on the sofa...as soon as he saw me his face lit up, he started kicking his hands and feet and he started babbling and making noises like as if he was trying to say something to me....moments like this are yet to come for you OP and when they do, you will realise that it was worth it.
molgrips - Member
Perhaps if you did things for the wife - fluff the cushions, run the hoover round, stick a load of washing on, just little things
Or maybe some BIG stuff like all the cleaning and cooking.. FFS! I doubt she gives a shit about fluffly cushions tbh.
Then you probably haven't squeezed out a 4.5kg baby that was posterior and had a constantly hungry child that needed more breastmilk than you knew how to cope with, got mastitis and also a bad back from giving birth to said 4.5kg baby. She needed cushions fluffing.
I took 3 months off, and we have a 3 y/o. I'm not going to list the whole task list. Don't be so ****en pedantic.
She needed cushions fluffing.
Of course, but you made it sound like a token gesture, and that she could still crack on with all the other woman's work as normal... Quite an important issue, not pedantry at all.
What the OP describes is pretty common. I threw myself into the parenting lark 100% - I found that doing the baths and lots of cuddles really helped me to bond with her. You're then better able to cope with the endless crying, pooing, screaming and non-sleeping that goes with every new-born. It does get easier, I promise.
Like many others have said, when your baby is a few months old, starts waving and smiling back at you, you'll absolutely love it. Our second is 11 months now, and crawls over to me as soon as I get in from work, screaming "da da". It's pretty cool.
I was a bit gutted when my daughter came out and she couldn't walk or talk. Then after a month or so she stated smiling so I forgave her.
You need to accept that your old life is over.
Not sure I agree with that. Obviously it's changed, but it's never over. You just have to try harder to do the things you did before the sprogs appeared. In fact in some respects I think it's more important than ever to continue to do the things you did pre-kids as otherwise you can end up resenting them which will result in no end of trouble.
OP, this sounds flippant, but get out on the bike and don't feel guilty about it, or go have a few pints with some mates. The normality of life previous to the baby, however fleeting, might make you feel a bit better.
Hopefully this is all helping out in some way OP. I think the upshot is do all the housework but in a manly way, support the missus but don't be cloying, man up but don't be too macho, take responsibility but don't cut out your partner, look after the baby as required but don't hog the limelight, talk and communicate but don't talk too much, be selfless but strong,
and a partridge in a pear tree.
- Welcome to fatherhood you poor bastard! You'll do ok, you seem to want to get it right and that's enough I reckon.
Well done STW. 3 pages of advice in just over an hour.
Not much to add that hasn't already been said.
The first few months are tough for a dad, you give, give, give and all you get is shit, vomit and screaming in return.
It does get better, once they can move they are great fun but newborns still do nothing for me.
My way of dealing with it was to go to work - I worked shit-loads of overtime in the first year. This actually really helped my wife, as the extra money took the pressure off her to go back to work. My little lad never got palmed off on all and sundry as a result and settled really well at home.
He's now officially awesome!
Stick with it.
haven't read the whole thread so apologies if going over old ground, but yes I felt similar, not exactly the same, but similar. You are made to feel guilty if you don't feel the love bombs going off immediately, but don't sweat it, it will come in time.
No, you read it as a token gesture. Big difference.
House work is "little things" and when you start seeing things like running the hoover round and putting the washing on/out as a big thing then it turns into a big thing.
Cups of tea, fluffy cushions (:p) run the bath, wearing the sling and carrying bub round for an hour while she chills...
Those times when you can lie on the sofa and the bub is lying on your chest are great bonding moments. Especially when they sleep on you.
First child, he will click eventually and things will sort themselves.
@dazh I didn't say his life was over but his old life is or should be. Family should now come first and yes you still have your own little life but it has to fit in. I've no time at all for selfish fathers who want to carry on as if nothing has happened.
Oh yeah Gina Ford - Her techniques saved us so much hassle and got us sleeping again.
OP, if my friends' experiences are anything to go by, your feelings are common. When my best friend gave birth, she didn't really feel anything for her daughter for six months. She went through the motions, took good care of her, but was terrified that she didn't feel a massive bond straight away. She thought something was wrong with her. Then suddenly - click. A chap at work was similar, it wasn't until several months later that he started to 'feel like a dad'.
It's not universal though - I know both fathers and mothers who have been blissfully happy from the second they popped out a sprog. I don't know how much 'detachment' is caused by depression, or the shock of the change, or being a bit ambivalent about wanting kids in the first place.