We are in some ways in a similar position to you. I'm not tight, but all our money goes towards three things giving the kids great holidays, saving for the kid's Uni/future, and saving to retire A.S.A.P. I do spend money on bikes but not stupid amounts though my main mountain bike is a battered Boardman hardtail and nothing compared to many on here. I drive a Hyundai I10 most of the time, as my self-esteme is not wrapped up in the car I drive.
But I really resent tightness, I've just been on holiday with someone who would spend ages looking for the yellow stickered sandwich and would only eat at Spoons. I took him to the a craft beer bar in Keswick and bought him £7 330ml of beer it blew his mind.
But for me, the worse thing he did was eat his 20p Sausage roll in the beer garden of a remote pub in the lakes. I could see that the folk running this pub weren't doing well, he really took the piss. He also lied about having a SUP board to save £1 on his campsite fees. He's a good friend but I'm never going away with him again.
I am similar to you OP. Not in the same league of spare money but I earn a good wage, own a fairly valuable house, big pension fund etc,. and don't spend anywhere near as much on things as I could. Cycling is my main activity (I ride an £800 bike), photography is another ativity (I have a £300 camera), play guitar a bit mainly in winter (I have a £100 guitar).
The thing is though I am happy riding my £800 bike and a more expensive bike won't make me any happier so I don't buy one. I am in a very lucky position of earning a good wage but I see it as just that, complete luck and whether I spend it all or not doesn't really matter to me.
I can’t reduce in the line of work I do. I’m planning to retire early, but don’t see a huge point in doing so before the kids are at uni, as I couldn’t nip off to another part of the world
You can't think of anything more useful or enjoyable to spend your time on without it involving foreign travel? In that case it's not just your spending habits you need to consider.
Get divorced, that'll fettle it
Edit: still no pm re the 20k?
Op, I went through a public change from materialism to tight right here. I saved a lot of money, can end the mortgage if I want (too tight to pay the penalty to come out of a fixed rate early) and have built up funds for the kids and I’m continuing to do so. With 2/3 our pension funds reduced in value by current events I have re-questioned my approach like you as “dull and pointless”.
The thing to remember is this; that spending money is fun, having “things” is nice but it won’t buy you more proper friends or valued relationships. And, a watch could get stolen, a car get wrecked, shares plummet etc and one day you don’t have as much as you think.
My advice, plan for the future and save but also enjoy a balanced lifestyle. As my cockney gran used to say - and at 50 I’ve just realised the depth of this - “save half, spend half too much of one or the other makes jack a dull boy”
Coming from the leftfield possibly, but I think most would agree your problem is not a practical one at all. You have, however, become aware you relationship with money has become dysfunctional and it is making you a bit anxious. Maybe spend some of it on some of it on some CBT to help you (and others around you ) enjoy the fruits of your hard work and prudence.
A couple of my family members lived very frugal lives and amassed significant savings they never got to enjoy due to Cancer taking them too soon. You don't have to spend it on tat and trinkets, there's a lot to see and experience out there.
Here's the thing.
You see "a takeaway as a waste of money, so we maybe get 4 a year." And in and of itself, you're right. Why pay takeaway prices when you can cook for a fraction of the price? That's madness, right?
But what does that cost your family aside from merely raw ££s? Who's doing all the cooking? What price do you attach to your other half having a night off from standing in the kitchen for two hours? What's the cost of prepping, cooking, washing up, all that time which could be spent doing something nice together instead. Do you have a cleaner? Wash your own car? You see avoidable expenses but consider, what would be your hourly rate to do a chore versus paying someone else?
Your time has a value and it's the most valuable commodity of all. Use it wisely and pay someone else to do all the shit whilst you're still of an age where you can appreciate it. As you appear to be starting to recognise now, all the money in the world isn't going to buy you a quiet night in with your family, a holiday or a night out at the pub when one of you is dead. Well, unless it's a really creepy one.
The way I look at it is, I don't mind paying money for something if it's worth paying for. If it's a good spend of that money. Something costs, say, £100, perhaps it's a little of an extravagance, I'll think "is that the best use of that money or is there something better I could do with that cash?" I'll shop around, I'll agonise over trivial purchases and I hate feeling like I've been taken advantage of, but I don't mind paying a little extra for quality or service. It's the difference between getting a take-away from the local independent, going to Domino's for overpriced shit, and never ordering at all.
You know the price of everything and the value of nothing. That's what you need to address.
IMHO, etc etc.
i’ve not read all the answers, but unless it is damaging your relationships with the people you care about cary on saving/not spending.
if you feel it’s a real issue you could try counselling or perhaps “self medicating” by buying a new bike.
Same with food shopping, there’s plenty of better quality items that aren’t necessarily cheap but the extra expense is worth it so they’re still good value.
Conversely more expensive food is not always worth it. Last night my wife and I had a posh Shepherd's Pie and mixed veggies in garlic butter sauce from a local 'farm foods' type of place - the pie is normally £7.50 and the veggies £2.50. It was all distinctly average (and nowhere near as nice as our own homemade shepherd's pies. Thankfully they came as part of a 'Too Good To Go' magic bag so we only paid around £3 for them (a guess as there was other stuff in the bag). So what I am saying is that spending more money on food doesn't always guarantee results and I find Lidl/Aldi stuff to generally be as good as anything from anywhere else. (the raspberry and lemon roulades we had from Aldi a couple of weeks ago were divine).
In some cases, maybe. Especially the family will be happier – for example, my wife loves a takeaway as a treat, but I see a takeaway as a waste of money, so we maybe get 4 a year. Treating her more often would seem like an easy win, but I’m retissant (sp) to do so
I think you could loosen the purse strings a little with things like this, without straying too far from your, shall we say 'considered' approach to spending.
We all know that spending money on things 'just because' only leads to short term happiness at best. I don't think you need to spend more on stuff just because, but (as others have noted) you're now in a position where if you do need something, you are able to consider its provenance and make sure you support good causes through your purchasing decisions. If this means buying something made in the UK rather than by some nameless factory in Asia even though it's more expensive, then I think that's ok.
Every month you work, means that by saving, that will be three or four you won't need to work. Save it somewhere tax efficient for your kids to own a house. Or give your kids a flying lesson and watch it disappear 😉 . Throw in a boat for good measure (likened to standing in a shower ripping up £50's). BTW Uni will need about 12k per annum for living expenses per child. So that's a year of further work before you pay the fees.
In some cases, maybe. Especially the family will be happier – for example, my wife loves a takeaway as a treat, but I see a takeaway as a waste of money, so we maybe get 4 a year. Treating her more often would seem like an easy win, but I’m retissant (sp) to do so
For flips sake. Where to start with this.
Life is too short and fragile to be such a Rigsby about money. I'll never understand why people are like this.
You seem to be at least self aware enough to know you shouldn't be like this, or to such an extent, yet you can't just loosen up a bit even for your kids and wife? There must be other issues here.
1. You come across as extremely selfish. Holding onto money for no good reason is one thing but to do it to the detriment of your wife and kids can only lead me to this one conclusion. You can basically have both worlds, money and provide your family with a great life. You choose to scrimp for no good reason other than 'thats what I'm like'.
2. You place a higher value on money than anything else. Including your wife and children. If that doesn't turn your head nothing will. That is genuinely incredibly sad.
3. If spending money on something, such as a takeaway, makes your wife happy, how exactly is that a waste of money? Again you are only thinking of yourself here.
4. Are you a Tory by any chance?
Edit: still no pm re the 20k?
🙂
Sounds like you are controlling as well as a tightwad.
That's a point in itself.
I, of course, have no idea about your family life beyond idle speculation. But if you're the sole breadwinner and your partner is a stay-at-home housewife, and you're abusing that power to dictate what she is and isn't permitted to do because you hold all the purse strings so she'll do what the head of the house tells her, what you've got there is not being frugal with money, it is domestic abuse.
If that's the case.
I, of course, have no idea about your family life beyond idle speculation.
Possibly could have stopped the sentence there ....
I've never been a big spender but have found a way that allows me to enjoy buying stuff without feeling anxious about it.
When something is coming up that I know will be expensive, such as a holiday, I mentally set myself a generous budget quite a long time ahead. The budget isn't intended to constrain how much I spend, but instead is a kind of license to myself to spend that much without worrying about it. That means when I'm away I'm not adding up the cost of all those meals out because I've already given myself permission to spend it.
I'm also much happier spending money from my personal account rather the joint account, even though most if it comes from me anyway. So I'll choose to buy things for 'us' from my money instead of feeling like I'm being wasteful with 'our' money. It probably doesn't make sense, but it works for me.
3. If spending money on something, such as a takeaway, makes your wife happy, how exactly is that a waste of money?
That's a neat succinct somethingion of what I was whatabouting around.
Do you do Christmas? Birthdays? Come home with a bunch of flowers for no reason at all? What you're buying here isn't already-dead flora, it's putting a smile on a loved one's face.
Possibly could have stopped the sentence there ….
There was no delicate way to word it, but I thought it was worth posting because if that is the case then the poster might genuinely not have realised.
Now at this stage as the thread is taking off I would suggest "Hob-Nob anyone", but that would be spendthrift of me - so, value Digestive anyone!?...
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For a start this sounds pretty standard for most people I know who are earning very large numbers. While a few might blow it on cars, or whatever , most don't - bloke down my road is on a 1/2 million a year plus bonus a year and drives an A3. Bike seems a sensible price - the issue here is that bikes now AREN't sensible prices and plenty of people are blowing cash on a very rapidly depreciating asset/fashion item
Given that you're not into material things I'd start on something more satisfying and decide to spend money on holidays, trips, experiences for a better turn of phrase, for you and your family.
interesting that the takeaway example is the one everyone picked up on.
FWIW my wife works 2 days a week as a teacher. She has her own income she can do what she likes with, but theres a very significant imbalance in the money we pull in. This causes some friction to start with - we've tried pooling our money, and talked about giving her an "allowance", but both make her feel awkward about leeching (for want of a better term).
I've definitely got a plan to save for the kids. They'll have their uni paid for and a chunky house deposit, but I can do all that and not be tight with cash.
For what reason do you save? Surely you should either be looking to retire earlier or set it aside for your children.
I save for both these things, but I can do all of that and afford takeaways.
Coming from the leftfield possibly, but I think most would agree your problem is not a practical one at all. You have, however, become aware you relationship with money has become dysfunctional and it is making you a bit anxious. Maybe spend some of it on some of it on some CBT to help you (and others around you ) enjoy the fruits of your hard work and prudence.
I think this maybe hits the nail on the head. I'll look into CBT a bit.
1. You come across as extremely selfish. Holding onto money for no good reason is one thing but to do it to the detriment of your wife and kids can only lead me to this one conclusion. You can basically have both worlds, money and provide your family with a great life. You choose to scrimp for no good reason other than ‘thats what I’m like’.
2. You place a higher value on money than anything else. Including your wife and children. If that doesn’t turn your head nothing will. That is genuinely incredibly sad.
3. If spending money on something, such as a takeaway, makes your wife happy, how exactly is that a waste of money? Again you are only thinking of yourself here.
4. Are you a Tory by any chance?
I don't disagree with these points, which is why I'm here asking for help. I'm not here saying I want to stay this way forever. I do not have any political leaning, and tend not to vote.
You’ve given a couple of examples of being ‘tight’, but are you really like that throughout?
I tend to be tight where I can, clothes I wear out before I throw out, shopping is all over (p.s, Waitrose do some of the best mark down deals!) and so on, but our daughter has all she needs, holidays are bargains, but always make sure she does any activities she wants and so on.
Basically, are you being tight to the detriment of your family, something that could cause friction in years to come, or is it more perceived cheapness?
regarding early retirement, i had 2 friends who had this as their aim. one a bit frugal the other very frugal and made big life decisions where he put his job with his employer above everything else.
one died in his 40’s from a blood clot getting to his heart the other got made redundant.
i know i said “cary on”, but if you are deferring pleasure be aware that it may never happen.
Now at this stage as the thread is taking off I would suggest “Hob-Nob anyone”,
Stop that, you cheeky scamp.
And I get the impression he spends a fair bit more on bike stuff anyway.
😉
Better to live a modest life and be happy than get into the consumer mindset. What you have is **** off money i.e. if you Invest it wisely you can **** off.
Don't tell your kids they have loads coming to them but give them opertunity so they don't have to be a wage slave. I..e have the money to be able to start a. Small sensible business not to be a bum.
She has her own income she can do what she likes with, but there's a very significant imbalance in the money we pull in. This causes some friction to start with – we’ve tried pooling our money, and talked about giving her an “allowance”, but both make her feel awkward about leeching (for want of a better term).
Maybe you should both go and see someone to help the pair of you talk about money, your attitudes towards it, and it's place in your relationship. It's not uncommon that people, and couples, find it a difficult subject to broach, because from a very early age we're told not to talk about it, and it brings notions of dependence etc.
Your time has a value and it’s the most valuable commodity of all
This, especially with take aways. I LOVE cooking and take great pleasure from it and have rarely had a takeaway that is anything like as nice as we can make at home but it's worth doing just so that at least one night a week we can all have that evening off. It look me a loooong time to learn that lesson but it's partly from where I grew up and how much we had to spend. It's the same with cleaning the house - sure it doesn't take long and I am well capable of doing it but at a certain point it is worth giving money to someone to do (if that is an option) it because it's time you will never get back. As far as I can see from my children they remember the times that we interacted with each other in stupid ways rather than the fancy holidays. Time is irreplaceable
I don’t disagree with these points, which is why I’m here asking for help. I’m not here saying I want to stay this way forever. I do not have any political leaning, and tend not to vote.
Point 4 was somewhat tongue in cheek. Although your post could easily be a truthful Tory political broadcast.
I'm not really sure what help you expect on here to be honest. But try this.
Think of one thing that your wife would love, whether its jewellery, a holiday to somewhere she'd like to go or whatever it may be and buy it. Then when you hand it over very carefully soak up her reaction as I assume it'll be wholly positive (but she may pass out so be on guard for that too). I assume her happiness will result in you being happy. Do the same with your kids, you don't have to go nuts and be silly about it but you can afford a little luxury so why not spread some joy to your nearest and dearest?
Who would come on and brag of 5k disposable income a month when we are in a cost of living crisis
I wholeheartedly agree with this. Very insensitive.
When I was a kid, there was so much I wanted to do. I mean we did plenty, but everything was low budget, my parents put everything they could into giving us time and experiences but with more money we could have done so much more. Things that cost money for clubs and sporting equipment, but also materials. I was into electronics for a while, I had to scavenge parts from old broken bits of electronic gear. At one point I opened up everything electrical I had looking for large blobs of solder so I could scavenge it, as I had no pocket money to buy my own or even the facilities to do so (pre-internet). So my suggestion is invest in your kids' hobbies, ask them what they want.
WIW my wife works 2 days a week as a teacher. She has her own income she can do what she likes with, but theres a very significant imbalance in the money we pull in. This causes some friction to start with – we’ve tried pooling our money, and talked about giving her an “allowance”, but both make her feel awkward about leeching (for want of a better term).
there is a significant imbalance in income in our household. always has been and at present I earn ~90% of the household income but I don't see it as my money and her money. everything goes into one pot and then distributed to savings, mortage, bills, kids stuff etc. we each then pay ourselves the same amount each a month as personal spending money to spend on whatever we like. seems to work pretty well and means there isn't much argument about money.
When I was a kid, there was so much I wanted to do. I mean we did plenty, but everything was low budget, my parents put everything they could into giving us time and experiences but with more money we could have done so much more.
This, ohh so much this. I had next to no chance of anything expensive as a kid, didn't get to holiday abroad until my late teens, never got to go on school ski trips etc. Now we try as much as possible to let our two girls have all the opportunities they can - music, dance, singing, horse riding etc etc and have done since they were really young. It's great to see them now flourish and enjoy the things they love.
Better to be a tightwod than to spaff away loads of money on the latest and greatest ****, or does the £5k surplus come after the white range rover and gucci clothes?
I read about a study where participants were given a not insignificant (in terms of a test sum) of money.
Half had to give the money away to a good cause of their choice
The other half were allowed to pocket it.
The half that were allowed to pocket the money rolled it into their existing mone and it was quickly forgotten about, where as the half who gave it away felt they had contributed, and done something useful with the money, and felt happier as a result.
There are loads of studies and im not saying you should give it to chartity, cause i can understand that that isnt for everyone (myself included), but could you do something useful with it?
Support a small business or enterprise that is close to you or you believe would benefit from it. "invest" in something you can see and feel the benefit from, rather than just signing away a regular amount to needy dogs in istanbul or something.
or get a pricey hobby?
Buy a boat, i hear they are great for eating all your spare cash.
Mountain biking is my passion. I treated myself to a new trail bike last year, at a cost of £2100.
Rookie numbers. You can do better than that if bikes are your passion.
our family car cost £4000
I dont like cars, im not a car guy. our car barely moves cause we cycle eveywhere.
I would however, appreciate a Grand Tourer/fast estate) for jollies to the alps though.
We balance out pretty evenly over here (although I earn a modicum more) and we both pay in the same amount to the joint account for family expenditure. We also then do the 'pay ourselves personal spending money' thing.
The second child is due in a few months though which will adjust that. What we did last time (and what I imagine we'll do again) is drop her contribution and up my contribution to the joint account to keep everything running. If we need to reduce personal spending money, we'll reduce if for both of us to keep things on an even keel.
Do you suffer from anxiety? I'm like this and think it comes from fear of the future or some disaster in my life and being left skint, so I just keep skrimping and saving. Meantime life passes by.
Do you suffer from anxiety? I’m like this and think it comes from fear of the future or some disaster in my life and being left skint, so I just keep skrimping and saving. Meantime life passes by.
Me.
She has her own income she can do what she likes with...
You are married so she can do what she likes with your collective money and even blow so much in a casino you'd spend the rest of your life in paying off the debt. And if you object she can divorce and do what she wants with nearly all of it. Unless of course you have a prenuptial contract which would be the ultimate proof you're tootight. 😉
A couple I know are in the throes of divorce, after years of having the pennies minded for her the teacher half of the couple cracked and is now windsurfing, SUPing, skiing... with her mates whilst rich oil sector man is sitting in a flash house worrying about money. She'd be having even more fun with his money but for a prenuptial.
I haven't worked from the age of 42. Debate about how I spend her hard earned hasn't got beyond "OK if I buy another Telecaster" - "fine, what colour is it?". We do take it in turns on the final word big ticket items such as cars, and she spends what she wants on junior without consultation.
It's easy for someone with no money worries to stop worrying about money, not so easy for those with money worries. So don't worry, leave huge sums floating int he current account
there is a significant imbalance in income in our household. always has been and at present I earn ~90% of the household income but I don’t see it as my money and her money. everything goes into one pot and then distributed to savings, mortage, bills, kids stuff etc
Yeah, this works for me and my wife. TBH she does all the financial stuff, which I'm glad of because I'm hopeless at it. Oh, and the occasional takeaway curry isn't going to kill you.
Interesting read this. I do wonder if the OP is actually just posing a hypothetical to generate a discussion/responses.
Be happy with who you are even if it means you are tight because that's you.
If you force yourself to change too much you might be stressed, because that's not who you are by nature.
I have a colleague who has huge inheritance yet remain tight but he is happy being tight.
If you really want to spend the money give some to your children for their future. Help them out a bit but Whether they deserve it or not is another story.
Remember all the money you have cannot be used in the afterlife ...
If you force yourself to change too much you might be stressed, because that’s not who you are by nature.
Its a good point, go and watch a Simon Sinek video OP.
Keep up the good work.
Only skim read the thread, but does this stem from your childhood i.e. money was tight, had to be frugal etc?
IMHO just do whatever brings you and your family the most happiness in the long term - if money's not an option and you can cut back a few hours at work, then do so and ride every day.
Interesting read this. I do wonder if the OP is actually just posing a hypothetical to generate a discussion/responses.
... or is the "non-tight" one in the relationship looking for ammo
