[Closed] How to sort this one out?

This is the STW forum. It's inhabited by rambler operated sock puppets, tubby IT managers who puff along at 12mph on burled up all-mountain bikes, and bizarre whippet like Mekons who like to squeeze into lycra hot pants and tube tops

I regularly ride with alot of STW'ers. None of them are what you describe. Maybe down south?

Edit- although the last one you describe does sound like Will who now lives in London.. 😆

PSA For IT Managers - one of your DBA's has escaped...

Stop prevaricating, lay your eggs in her brain and maybe when they hatch in her sleep the larvae can eat the married guy too.

She has thrown a curve ball by telling you [b]she's in love with someone else[/b]. Now if you show any interest at all [b]she knows you are interested and can be led along without ever letting you get anywhere near her. Basically using you to boost her ego[/b].

So why not say to her something like,

"Well, obviously now that you've told me that nothing serious can ever happen. You've made it clear that I'll [b]always be the second choice[/b]. But it doesn't mean we can't hang out and have fun and if anything happens it happens. I definitely can't see us being in an exclusive type relationship though."

Whether you mean that or not is irrelevant. The important thing is to improve your worth and unattainably in her eyes. If she claims to be in love with a married man, I suspect that it's the unattainably that she is really attracted to

wise words.

if she's been sleeping with a married man, she's really not worth the time dude, lets say she 'gets over' the married man and spends more time with you... there's always the worry she'll be off sleeping with the next married man!

not worth it. you're a decent guy, you deserve better and as long as you avoid wimmin like this, you'll find better 🙂

pingu66 - Member
Pop it and move on.

+1. SHTHIMNSHA*

{*Sh@g her; tell her it means nothing. Sh@g her again}

Really time to move on, but let her ruthlessly sleep with you once just to confirm she is the type who will sleep with a married man and some other bloke at the same time.

Or, find out who the wife is and arrange to meet her for a drink ??

I don't mean to be harsh or anything, but (from a woman's perspective) if you like someone a lot, you're never too busy 'going to the gym' to see them.

The beginning of a relationship, getting to know each other, is really exciting and fantastic. And she has decided that she's too busy to see you for a few weeks.

Sorry to say this, but I think that might be a subtle hint on her part.

Satsoma I missed that bit..

Sorry to say this, but I think that might be a subtle hint on her part.

hora - Member
Satsoma I missed that bit..

LOL - it's not actually that subtle... Satsoma hits the nail on the head though... when a girl really is interested it's a lot like having a stalker.

What! 3 pages and not a single MTFU? 😯

http://www.legion-recrute.com/en/

if she's been sleeping with a married man, she's really not worth the time dude,

You can't judge a person's entire worth by a single fact.

Shes been willingly part of a deception though. Only playing the victim when she realises she aint getting him for herself.

Satsoma hits the nail on the head though...

+1

molgrips - Member

if she's been sleeping with a married man, she's really not worth the time dude,

You can't judge a person's entire worth by a single fact.

Good indicator of her moral compass though.

molgrips - Member
if she's been sleeping with a married man, she's really not worth the time dude,
You can't judge a person's entire worth by a single fact.

Agreed. You're only getting one side of the story. haven't read the whole thread - is she sleeping with him, or just in love with him? There's not a necessary relationship between the two...

It also takes two to tango, so to speak. Tricky moral balance / scale as to where you apportion moral wrong where you've got a couple, one of whom is cheating on their wife. Whilst you could argue the bulk of that must lie with the husband, I think there's also a natural reaction that also leads people to make a value judgement on her and her actions as the third party. Without knowing the ins-and-outs (pun intended) it's hard to know where to be on the Daily Mail scale of Moral Indignation (TM); at one end she's a brazen tart breaking up a marriage, or she's a poor, hard-done-by victim of a bastard cheating man...

The former - you'll get messages telling you to steer clear / fill-yer-boots as she's obviously of dubious moral characters, the latter - you'll get posts telling you to be there to support her as a friend / fill-yer-boots as she's obviously up for a rebound and sympathy sh*g.

And why has no-one mentioned the kids 🙂

(personally, sounds like a recipe for disaster from start to finish - declarations of love for someone else doesn't generally make for the basis of a good relationship. It's imbalanced from the outset. As the recipe for some short-term fun, different story. Sounds like it might be hard for you to remain sufficiently detached though)

You can't judge a person's entire worth by a single fact

Given half a chance I bet most of the posters on STW would be tempted with a mistress on the side set up.

Shes been willingly part of a deception though.

He's married, she isn't. It's his moral compass that's in question, not hers. He's the one that's taken vows.

Fact is, we don't know enough to pass judgement. Has she stalked him and convinced him to (claim to) leave his wife for her; has he made a play for her and spun her a tale about he's going to divorce Real Soon Now; or has she fallen for him without even knowing at first that he was married? Different situations with very different ramifications from a "does she have any morals" compunction. It's very easy to be judgemental from the other side of a keyboard.

Anyway, look on the bright side, you may have just found a girl that fancies you and has no morals. (-:

if shes not in it for a relationship but is happy to indulge you then go for it

go crazy, hit up some fetish clubs, go to some swingers nights etc etc

just remember to keep an emotional distance and not get too hung up!

He's married, she isn't. It's his moral compass that's in question, not hers. He's the one that's taken vows.

Would you sleep with a married woman? Arrange to meet her behind her husbands back? Take the risk that if he found out he may come storming into your office/workplace to confront you?

or just in love with him?

You don't really choose who you fall in love with

Given half a chance I bet most of the posters on STW would be tempted with a mistress on the side set up.

In France it's sort of socially acceptable to have a mistress. It's also becoming socially acceptable to have a boy-toy for women as well.

Take the risk that if he found out he may come storming into your office/workplace to confront you?

IF that's the reason you wouldn't, it's not a moral objection. It's a "Not wanting to get your head kicked in" objection

Good indicator of her moral compass though

Hmm.. as above, you don't really even have one side of the story, you only have a snippet. A long ish conversation AT LEAST is needed before you can really learn anything.

You can't judge a person's entire worth by a single fact.

you can't tell me what to do 😛

the comment was in relation to seeking a good, solid, long-term relationship, not wether she should be allowed to use public transport, access universal healthcare or use the same water-fountain as us!

i'd never cheat on anyone or be a willing participant in somebody cheating on their partner, i'm purely applying my own standards to the situation 🙂 its an opinion, no an instruction innit

again, you deserve better mboy, cos you're betterer 😀

No molgrips - anyone that shags a married person is of dubious moral values.

Morality aside (and none of us is perfect), you'd hope the older one gets the less stupid mistakes one makes, and her investing in a married man indicates deceit, desparation and stupidity IMO.

"some people would use the situation you are in to get some reasonably no strings sex then walk away"

This

She's not had any for what did you say, 6 months?

Stop thinking about it as some big thing and just have a bit of fun.

Not sure what you've got to lose ??

The person that I know who has been in this situation for 4yrs is in limbo with their life. The married man only sees the girl during the week and they both conveniently (for him) work within walking distance of her flat. I imagine weekends is for his family life/wife.

Bonkers. Utter bonkers. I know the girl isn't a slag, shes just stuck in limbo, really likes him (infact loves him) but I imagine when they first started he manipulated her, their illicit affair skewered her sense of reality so it became a case of 'no one would understand us' and its us versus them.

I've called her incredibly naive and one day she will wake up and rue the lost years where she effectively lived in limbo.

This could be the OP's friends in essence. TBH I'm not sure I'd want to go out with either scenario afterwards.

No molgrips - anyone that shags a married person is of dubious moral values

You and Junkyard should start the 'black and white' club.

You and Junkyard should start the 'black and white' club.

I don't see how thats black and white. Its just normal behaviour. You could spend your whole life thinking 'what if I got off with or what if she kissed me' or you could just try to live a just and as honest as possible life.

A friend of mine has theory on this kind of lady:

"women are like monkeys - they don't let go of one branch until they've got hold of another".

If she is happy to have one relationship based on deceit, who's to say she wouldn't be deceitful with you?

"women are like monkeys - they don't let go of one branch until they've got hold of another".

I'll give you mine

"Once a womans head has been turned, only a shovel will turn it back again"..

She sounds completely immature 'putting you against a married man' I would have walked by now. The reason times with her are so enjoyable is perhaps because she is very well versed at messing people around. Can't see her being naive thinking married mans going to leave his wife, seems more like immature attention seeking. I also don't see her as been upfront and honest, again just laying a messy situation she is in on the table to glean some attention out of it.

Walk away, have a mope at the weekend, ride your bike, go and find someone else that's not watched too much Eastenders. Sorry if that all sounded harsh.

molly, have you ever fallen in love/slept with a married man?

no?

then you can't comment on this. back in your basket.

She might be the best person in the world for you. It's worth finding out at least.

Bin her before you waste 16 years of your life with her, only to find out she has been cheating behind your back but see's you as a "go to" when there is nothing else available.

Have as much bedroom fun as you can until you get bored, then move on.

Unfortunately, she'll be thinking about "the married man" throughout...

Bin her before you waste 16 years of your life with her, only to find out she has been cheating behind your back but see's you as a "go to" when there is nothing else available.

Or that your Son is named after him 😆

and that aftershave she bought you for christmas, is the one he wears.... along with your new clothes she encouraged you to buy cos 'you look so hot in those!)

even with a magestic penis like horas, she'd still be imagining his

Well one could hope it'd turn into some sort of penile magic wand

You and [s]Junkyard [/s]Lord longford should start the [s]'black and white'[/s]everyone is nice club.

I dont think someone who has an affair is definitely morally bankrupt- might be if they are a politician who preaches family values I suppose but probably just a hypocrite. I would struggle to argue that the Ripper was not bad because he never fiddled his tachograph records or broke the speed limit and as Hitler looked after his dogs he was ok really.

Some issues are just black and white , though the individuals may have done some good at some point the bad is just so bad nothing can redeem it.

I agree that this is not such an example.

anyone that shags a married person is of dubious moral values

She might be the best person in the world for you. It's worth finding out at least.

Have as much bedroom fun as you can until you get bored, then move on.

Sloppy 2nds anyone?

Morality aside (and none of us is perfect), you'd hope the older one gets the less stupid mistakes one makes, and her investing in a married man indicates deceit, desparation and stupidity IMO.

I do think she's young and naive a bit yeah. I don't know the whole story, but from what she tells me, it sounds like they met and she fell for him quite quickly, before knowing he was actually married. She finds out he's married, and tries to regain some control over her life by actively stopping the physical side of things with him. Now I don't know for sure it's 100% like that, but I can at least sympathise a small amount with her. You can't help who you fall for, but you can help who you choose to let walk all over you or not. She told me all the classic lines of "they're going through a rough patch, he keeps telling me he's going to leave her soon" at which I tried not to seem deceitful and laugh at in front of her, but they were all bollox... Classic string alongs which she's been falling for, but at least (in my eyes) she had the self respect to put an end to the physical side, although obviously its not forced his hand as much as she'd have liked.

Oh, and yes she is a bit immature, but so can we all be. She's 27, she's definitely still a bit impressionable. I'm almost 32, this other guy who's married is only 29/30 apparently, and he's not even been married very long, just sounds like one of those who likes to have his cake and eat it...

She's not had any for what did you say, 6 months?

Stop thinking about it as some big thing and just have a bit of fun.

Not sure what you've got to lose ??

Think you've probably hit the nail on the head. Just don't emotionally commit anything until she can perhaps. In the meantime, be there when she's up for a bit of fun...

What gets me though, is I'd find all this very easy if she was really cold towards me when we met up. On Wednesday, after an hour or so, she was all over me! Odd eh...

So why not say to her something like,

"Well, obviously now that you've told me that nothing serious can ever happen. You've made it clear that I'll always be the second choice. But it doesn't mean we can't hang out and have fun and if anything happens it happens. I definitely can't see us being in an exclusive type relationship though."

I don't like playing games, but the man does have a point... Think I need to be Mr. Cool as a Cucumber don't I! Not easy, but I shall give it a try...

TandemJeremy - Member
No molgrips - anyone that shags a married person is of dubious moral values.

I'm pretty sure that there are lots of STW posters shagging married people.

I am sure we have all dont things we would not like to be used as exemplars or our moral values.

We all like to think of ourselves as being upstanding citizens, but we've all wavered from time to time. I was being strung along for a couple of months a few years ago by a girl who assured me that she and her boyfriend had ended things for good. Looking back on that one, I know I was the emotional crutch she felt she needed at the time, and after a couple of months of using me for a bit of support when she felt like it, we parted. Bumped into her maybe 6 months later, in town, with my then new GF (now my ex!) and she was walking along hand in hand with the guy she'd supposedly left... Anyway...

Have also found out that a couple of women I met on nights out before, were married too... Only after a couple of days, and a "coming clean" text message on their part... And of course I walked away. But would it be so easy if you only found out after 2/3 months, and you'd really fallen for the other person? For me, not so difficult, but I guess it might be for some.

satsoma - Member
I don't mean to be harsh or anything, but (from a woman's perspective) if you like someone a lot, you're never too busy 'going to the gym' to see them.

The beginning of a relationship, getting to know each other, is really exciting and fantastic. And she has decided that she's too busy to see you for a few weeks.

How to sort this one out?

take up bestiality?

What gets me though, is I'd find all this very easy if she was really cold towards me when we met up. On Wednesday, after an hour or so, she was all over me! Odd eh...

No, not odd at all - she's an attention seeker, this is what they do.

If she is 27 play her this video it may help 😆

druidh - Member

"TandemJeremy - Member
No molgrips - anyone that shags a married person [i][b]that they are not married to[/b][/i] is of dubious moral values."

You might want to reconsider that statement.

I'm pretty sure that there are lots of STW posters shagging married people.

😆 pendant

lots of STW posters shagging married people

Were those posters free in the mag? I bet they were sponsored by Knog

pendant

She told me all the classic lines

You need to remind her that these are classic lines. She is likely in denial...

Well, obviously now that you've told me that nothing serious can ever happen

Don't actually say this, it'll cause problems later.

How about this radical idea:

Two people like each other, two people hang out, have sex, are open and honest, and have a good time.

i hope mrsgrips isnt reading this! it comes across like if you met someone you liked, as long as you were honest with them it'd be fine to cheat on mrsgrips.

me no likey.

bad molly, back in your basket.

Switching relationships isn't bad unless you are married or have other strong commitments. Which I do.

Neither mboy or little perky redhead (LPR for short) are, afaik.

what did i say about staying in your basket?!?!?!?!

and its wrong to objectify wimmin with phrases like 'little perky redhead' i call mysogymathingy on you and report you to TJ.

for the record, i still think mboy deserves beterrer. if a wimmin turned round to me and said they were in love with another man, married or not, then thats a pretty big slap in the underbeard that its time to move on and find someone who isn't already in love with somebody else.

and its wrong to objectify wimmin with phrases like 'little perky redhead'

Using adjectives is not objectification. All we know about her physically is that she's small, she's perky, and she's a redhead.

if a wimmin turned round to me and said they were in love with another man, married or not, then thats a pretty big slap in the underbeard that its time to move on and find someone who isn't already in love with somebody else.

Read between the lines!

i am reading between the lines, she's telling mboy she's in love with another man. you're the one encouraging him to go for it 😛

for the record, and i'm pretty sure i can talk for ALL wimmin around the world on this one having once shared a train carriage with a wimmin.... when a wimming tells you she's in love with another man, its not a challenge to fight for her, its her saying she's in love with another man. if it is a challenge then she's playing games with you and she's not worth chasing after. so basically, either way, its a "GET OF MY TRAIN YOU WHORE!" situation

How about a picture of a red squirrel licking a sap?

[img] [/img]

Phil - I look at married women, lesbians and women that tell me to "f' off you creepy weirdo" all in the same way... it's only a matter of time before they wake up to the fact that they want me.

i am reading between the lines, she's telling mboy she's in love with another man.

You are reading the lines, not between them!

Mrs Grips said she was in love with another man when she met me - should I have let it go?

should I have let it go?

So many answers, so little time...

Mrs Grips said she was in love with another man when she met me - should I have let it go?

😕 Is he dead now?

No, he's getting on with his life in the same town Mrs Grips is from. We have yet to bump into him...

[b]We [/b]have yet to bump into him...

Yes, we, because whenever we go back there I am with Mrs Grips. Plus I don't know what he looks like.

Neither mboy or little perky redhead (LPR for short) are, afaik.

Loving the acronym. Sums her up pretty well! I think she'd like it anyway... 😉

Phil - I look at married women, lesbians and women that tell me to "f' off you creepy weirdo" all in the same way... it's only a matter of time before they wake up to the fact that they want me.

The problem here is I don't have the same level of denial that you posses! Shame, cos it sounds truly blissful on your planet... 😉

If she is 27 play her this video it may help

V funny but quite true... I know quite a few women that have felt, or do feel like that. One of my longest friends is 32, she's been single a year or so now for the first time since she was about 17, and apparently her parents keep giving her grief about when's she going to find someone, get married, give them grandchildren etc... Bit unfair IMO!

for the record, i still think mboy deserves beterrer. if a wimmin turned round to me and said they were in love with another man, married or not, then thats a pretty big slap in the underbeard that its time to move on and find someone who isn't already in love with somebody else.

Maybe I do, maybe I don't. Maybe she deserves massively better than the prick who's been leading her on at arms length for ages. I think in her own mind she knows that if any of her mates found out about the married bloke, they'd give her a real roasting. That and though I don't really know them that well yet, I live with one of her best mates and have met a few of the others, and from what I've been told the feedback was good.

How about this radical idea:

Two people like each other, two people hang out, have sex, are open and honest, and have a good time.

I totally agree. Not exactly radical, but would be perfect if it just worked. Am 99.9% sure it won't just work though if the married guy is still texting her with false promises like "I'll be out soon, just give me a couple more months, it'll all be done and I'm yours forever then" or the like, as she'll be thinking about him.

molgrips - Member
Two people like each other, two people hang out, have sex, are open and honest, and have a good time.

Yeah, like that's ever going to catch on!

I've had and have friends on both sides of the fence in this situation. No matter what you do, her head will be facing in his direction.

It's not often I agree with Hora....

I've got 'a friend*' with pretty good first hand experience on this front. He'd been seeing a married woman for 3 years who had constantly threatened to leave her husband but never did. It pretty much did for him, depression, suicide attempts - the lot. He left his long term partner to be with her, moved out of his home and basically turned his life upside down to be with her to no avail. Many times he tried to break it off with her and find someone else, but all he ended up doing was going back to the married woman and at the same time, causing massive upset to anyone else he saw. Being in love with her meant that as soon as she showed him some interest, he'd drop whatever and whoever and run back to her. He even started going out with other people to see if he could have a relationship like he wanted with her - a test if you like - and when he realised he couldn't he dropped them like a stone and went back to the MW. A truly horrible way to treat someone, something he's not proud of.

Regardless of the married man's morals (or lack of), she's sleeping with someone else's husband and thus as guilty as he is. She puts little value in the whole marriage thing, and probably the value of having just the one relationship. Additionally she'll probably have enormously low self-confidence as a result of being second best all the time, something you'll be lumbered with addressing if you decide to go ahead.

My advice to you would be to avoid like the plague. If she's in love with him as she says she is, that flame will never be extinguished. By entertaining her, you're lining yourself up for a world of hurt - she WILL cheat on you and she will go back to him, whether he leaves his wife or not. What she's doing is thoroughly destructive to all involved, including you if you decide to carry on with this.

No good will come of this.

*Make of that what you will

Sorry but I haven't read the whole thread.

The reason this girl hasn't told her friends about the married chap, is that they would all tell her to stop being so stupid, that he won't leave his wife and she should forget him. All sage advice from friends who care for her.
However it's like alcoholism, she can only do this by herself.

I would be honest with her and hope that she comes to her senses.

Good luck mboy. If we meet i will buy you a cheering up pint 🙂

You deserve better. Not all women like bastards to treat them mean..

Oh and MTFU

The problem here is I don't have the same level of denial that you posses! Shame, cos it sounds truly blissful on your planet... 😉

I'm going to take it from the wink that you can at least tell when some people are taking the piss...

I'm going to take it from the wink that you can at least tell when some people are taking the piss...

You do put a smile on my face from time to time TSY, for that I give thanks... 😆

Good luck mboy. If we meet i will buy you a cheering up pint

You deserve better. Not all women like bastards to treat them mean..

Maybe, just not the ones I meet. Well, not quite all of em. For one or two, there was just nothing I could do good enough, so I was always the bastard! 😕

Oh and MTFU

I'm not sat moping, don't worry... Off out for a bit with a couple of mates later on, guys who know me very well. Gonna run this one past the both of them, see what they say too...

Regardless of the married man's morals (or lack of), she's sleeping with someone else's husband and thus as guilty as he is

No, she had slept with him, and may or may not have known he was married at the time.

Am 99.9% sure it won't just work though if the married guy is still texting her with false promises like "I'll be out soon, just give me a couple more months, it'll all be done and I'm yours forever then" or the like, as she'll be thinking about him.

Not necessarily - because if you are more awesome she'll forget about him.

Not necessarily - because if you are more awesome she'll forget about him.

You got any Awesome you can lend me molly? 😉

Sadly I'm probably a little mediocre these days, though at least my age (and the fact I look a lot younger than I am) acts in my favour these days...

There is another possibility. She's tactfully giving you the bums rush.

Having chatted to her about your relationship issues, she now feels she can't back out of seeing you without hurting your feelings. So - she invents another relationship (which is why none of her friends know about it) and is "too busy" to see you. Far from being the harlot some have painted her as, she is actually trying to be kind.

How's that for trading between the lines?

women are like cats, evil geniuses....with no heart. They'll catch a mouse, play with it, fk it up and then leave it somewhere so they can always go back and play with it a bit more if they get bored mangling the latest one they've got their claws into.

the only way though this mboy is to live a sad and lonely life with only a collection of bikes company.......

How to sort this one out?

Flash grenades ....shock and awe

mboy it's my new 'tough love' methodology... the next stage involves sandpaper.

On this thread I feel love is being confused with lust, addiction, emotional dependance, dispair, loneliness... .

If she expresses doubt, don't bother. Unless the lust, addiction, emotional dependance, dispair and loneliness are stronger than your powers of reason.

Edukator - there's a thread down there with your name written all over it!