It is shockingly common but something that people have been quiet about until relatively recently it feels. Well done for sharing though as this thread shows as a group we are learning how to deal with the news that it has happened to someone else. I can't imagine what it feels like but my sympathies are with you both. As others have shared, be there for each other.
Sorry to hear about that Stany 🙁
Our "second" kid miscarried, just one of those things - AFAIK we didn't do anything wrong, no drinking or smoking or whatever, the foetus just didn't develop properly, and it miscarried. Don't beat yourself up about it, don't let your wife beat herself up about it, and when the doctor gives the OK try again.
It wasn't nice at the time but was soon forgotten when the next pregnancy came along - she turned out fine and is currently teaching her panda how to make a banana smoothie in the kitchen 🙂
It's easy, and right, to be there for your other half but don't neglect yourself. It hit me hardest after my wife was "ok" and back at work. Really helped me to find that it actually wasn't that uncommon, maybe selfish, but seeing so many others fine, and with kids, further down the road helped.
Good luck.
It's horribly common, not that it's much consolation. My best friend's first pregnancy miscarried (she later had a daughter), and my sister-in-law had three miscarriages and two ectopic pregnancies - I'm due a nephew at Christmas thanks to IVF though. It's a terrible thing for the mother and father and awkward for people around them - be there for one another, gently let people know what's happened if the pregnancy was announced (so they don't end up asking how it's going next time you see them) and try to appreciate that if people say something jarring or inappropriate (god's plan/you can always try again/at least it happened now and not further own the line) that they're genuinely trying to be comforting.
One here too, earlier this year. Feel for you both, as said before please keep talking... we didn't and I can't tell you how much I regret that. Things do get back to normal, slowly, but you can make it easier by being kind to yourself and each other.
We've got those shoes in this house too , keep a good eye on your missus. The first time mrscarlos really freaked out and ended up on antidepressants , it happened a further twice before our 2nd son was born.Knowing what could happen helped us deal with the 2nd and 3rd time better(although I still sometimes fill up thinking about the daughter we never got to meet)
Just be there for each other it will make you both stronger.
Big hugs to you both.
Been there twice myself, as said above actually very common once you start to talk to people about it. Again, as above, i think best thought of as a natural QA process, something wasn't 100% so the body intervened early. It took us 2 years but there's a happy healthy 1yr old presently causing kaos downstairs. Very tough, and might I just say tougher for the woman, give it time, regroup and carry on with the bouncy bouncy boom boom.
Best wishes to you and pebblebeach. Been there, pebble. Chin up - it does get better.
Thanks again all. So, to those that miscarried but then had success, how long did you wait before trying and how long did it take to concieve?
for us - we waited i think 3 months to start trying again, and she was pregnant again about 4 months after that. Which was a relief - as before the first we'd been trying for 2 years and had just started down the fertility route. [Those investigations had led to my little swimmers being described as 'lacklustre' which is a jolt to anyone's manhood btw]
[i]stany - Member
Thanks again all. So, to those that miscarried but then had success, how long did you wait before trying and how long did it take to concieve?[/i]
The advice we were given was to wait for 3 months before trying. Really sorry to hear of your pain. Not that it's any consolation, but it is believed that between 1 in 5 and 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I.e. it's much more common than people realise but it's difficult to be more accurate with the statistics. We are on our third attempt for a second child. It took about 4 months and then about a year, but it could have been sooner to conceive again. Really depends on lots of factors. All I can say is that once we realised how common miscarriages are, it has made it all the more amazing how little ones get here! Best wishes.
Thanks again all. So, to those that miscarried but then had success, how long did you wait before trying and how long did it take to concieve?
We waited 4 months, as recommended by the doctor, but given we already had daughter #1 it was probably less of a concern than for other couples trying for the first. Second kid came along a few months later (well, a few months + 9 months!).
Not been through your shared tragedy but have used this forum to debate some of the bad stuff that has happened to me and MrsWCA. Mainly because I am rubbish at being sat alone while the wife is in hospital or unwell.
One thing I was surprised to find was that she liked to read these threads. Apparently it gives her support and also let's her see how I am coping.
Not certain it applies but I have found sharing on the forum very beneficial.
Our hearts go out to you.
N&M
Stany, you are not alone. We've been there and I'm amazed at the number of friends who have shared the same experience. Stay strong for each other and until that other person arrives remember that you are the most important people in each others lives.
Its really strange and sometimes it doesnt feel quite right reading about others mis fortunes or problems on a bike forum.
But even stranger is the ability of all of us to listen, offer advice and banter, and just basicly to listen and help.
Perhaps this forum should be available on the NHS.
Oh and to the original op best wishes to you both for the future.
Its really strange and sometimes it doesnt feel quite right reading about others mis fortunes or problems on a bike forum.But even stranger is the ability of all of us to listen, offer advice and banter, and just basicly to listen and help.
Possibly strange looking at it from the outside, but one of the things I like about STW is that this thread is entirely typical of the forum.
I'm single, and I've never been in the heartbreaking position that so many others have been in, with a partner losing a baby, but I lost my mum earlier this year, and found a long-lost friend, who also had been through the same, along with a divorce, and it helped a huge amount having someone close to talk to, and to cry with. Talking, and I mean really [i]talking[/i], is the most important thing you can do for each other. Not doing so can break you apart, as I've found to my cost in the past. I've been reading the responses to your post, stany, and I'm crying inside for you; this forum is at its very, very best when people need help, and it's shown it again for you. All the best for the future for you and your lady.
If you do get in conversation on a thread like this, don't judge people by their normal postings. Serious stuff makes people less stupid some how.
Ok been here and know others that have so...
As hard it is, its worse for you partner, when this happed to us the builders were in the house and had no privacy. Give her time and support not a stoppy moody partner (yes your sad but both being a wreck will do no good)
Dont do the whole shrine memorial thing, it will make getting over it harder, guest uncomfortable and potentaly alienate your future children. Maun and move on not replace.
This is all subjective and can seem a bit harsh. Not intended that way at all, best wishes to you both.
Stany.
My wife and I went through multiple miscarriages. Eventually, when we were on the brink of being 'diagnosed' with unexplained infertility, we found out what the problem was - something genetic and potentially very nasty.
At the time it felt like our world was being ripped out from the inside. It was worst when we had our first miscarriage and we didn't know what the hell was going on. Finding out about our predicament was also a low, but after that we at least knew what the situation was.
Fast forward seven years (from the first miscarriage) and we have two lovely children - although one of them is a carrier for the proble we had. I'm not sure how we're going to have that chat with them when it looks like they might have families of their own, but that's a long way down the line.
My advice (especially if you do not have children yet) is to press for a proper diagnosis (not aggressively, but you really do need to know what you are dealing with before you can make any decisions). For example, we knew that we would have to have an 'amnio' with both of our children - with the attendant risk of provoking a miscarriage of a healthy child. Not great, but it at least meant we couldn't get our hopes up before 20 weeks was out.
The other thing is to be flexible in your emotions for your partner - I know it is terrible for you, but it will be worse for her.
On Christmas day 2005, I spent a lot of the morning in tears - we all know Christmas is about children, and it was a few months after our first miscarriage.
When I look back now, it still feels raw - those were dark months - I nearly punched one of my mates when he (unknowing) made a remark during one of those stupid blokey "I've had your missus" banter sessions on a stag do. I felt even crappier as a result.
Just helping your partner along will strengthen your relationship and make you feel better in the process.
Good luck - get the facts, form a plan, be adaptible and don't let it blind you both to the reason you are together in the first place.
At least 3 months is the advice I believe, though basically you have to leave it until your lady is ready, no matter how long that is. It's heartbreaking for you but you need to put your lady first, be the man she needs. Iirc the NHS will only start to investigate underlying causes if you've had 3. It's actually not as harsh as it sounds as its so common 2 probably doesn't mean anything.
I concur with Daveh.
I simply accept it's happend, accept the consequences and move on. I've been seen many times as being a heartless bast*** bt i'm honestly not, i'm just exceptionally pragmatic and accept things are how they are, nothing is going to change how they are, so come to terms with them and move onto the next step.
FWIW myself and Mrs Weeksy also had a miscarriage (probably caused by flying/stress) on holiday, but was only 4-6 weeks into the pregnancy. We still have 'myrtle' the turtle which we bought the day we found out she was pregnant, (4 days before she lost it). Myrtle is a small reminder of this time, our son still occasionally plays with Myrtle, but he's not aware of the significance of it.
dude, just hug until you feel right to face the world again!