I know it's been a while since I've been on here and I apologise for that, I have been lurking from time to time though so have sort of kept up to date. If I'm honest, the reason for the disappearance {or avoidance rather) is for many reasons. One is I don't want to keep posting doom and gloom, I assume no one wants to read it as it's the same sort of stuff over and over. Not sure where's best to start so I'll just ramble on as normal.
Firstly I guess is the kids, Phoenix is now 17, Liberty will be 13 on Xmas day and Shelby is 10 and they're all generally doing ok.
Phoenix has received his provisional license so will have to start thinking about a car for him next year.
Liberty is struggling with hormones and school etc, she does talk to me but I'm sure she'd prefer to have a female contribution and understanding for some things.
Shelby is his usual self. He's not long won a kindness in action award with Scouts which is amazing, but is still pretty oblivious to the dangers around him.
They have their moments of ups and downs and smiles and tears, more so around times of celebration. But they also bicker and argue like most siblings do and. They're all looking forward to Xmas although it will be slightly different this year as Shelby knows what happens at Xmas. Their lists are relatively conservative thankfully, although it is mainly lego so not all cheap.
And me, not so great. For nearly 2 years I've been suffering with constant sciatica and the associated pains that come with it. It's also affected my right leg with numbness in my thigh to my knee which at times is worse than the pain itself. I've had an mri scan so I do know it is this, unfortunately nothing has worked so far to help ease it. This is now on top of everything else that's happened previously and still ongoing.
With it my depression has got a lot worse too. And also being stuck at home bored and not able to do much, I've piled on the weight by snacking too much. I'm now in a vicious circle, weight isn't helping and need to lose some but the pain limits it so can't. I'm currently undergoing fortnightly blood tests and have to take my blood pressure twice a day while they're reviewing my medication and seeing what the best way forward would be. Physiotherapy and the NERS programme have been mentioned but they want to make sure everything else is good first.
Does anyone know anything about statins? They suggested that as a possibility but said it's my choice and to have a think about it in the meantime.
And I've just been in hospital to have a biopsy to see if a lesion on my tongue is cancerous or not. It's been there since earlier this year and is very sore and can be quite painful. A referral was made back then but it's taken time to get to the hospital stage. Although the consultation to biopsy was very quick, almost urgent. Kids don't know about this, just I've got a scar on my tongue from a sharp filling that needs sorting and that's why I had to go to the hospital. Just a waiting game for the results now I guess......
And a few months ago my Dad was diagnosed with alzheimers and is struggling a lot with that. We've suspected it for a while as he's gradually been declining since mum passed away 4 years ago. Myself, my brother and my sister are having to sort everything out for him and are doing what we can to help. We're also doing the running around to appointments etc as well as he's been banned from driving because of it. It's really hard seeing someone you love slowly fade away but is completely unaware there's anything wrong.
Honesty time......
It's hard to be cheery when you're actually struggling, especially at this time of year. Don't think I've felt as low as I have this year for a while and I've completely lost all motivation for everything. It's also really hard not showing any of it in front of the kids, they're worried enough with the way my back is without adding anything extra to that. Thankfully a smile and a laugh can hide a multitude of things which tends to get me through most things.
I feel like a crappy person for not replying to the few messages I've received too. No matter how much I've wanted to, I just freeze and clam up, which seems stupid now I'm writing it down. But then as the time passes, I feel guilty for not replying sooner which sets my anxiety off and makes things worse and then it all spirals out of control. Think I'm just completely burnt out and exhausted. Even writing this has taken weeks between adding ad removing things and before it was at a legible state, then more days of debating posting it.
I'm sure there have been a few good bits during this time, can't remember what or when though as it's all been overshadowed by everything else. After all this time I don't want to feel I've let anyone down who believed in me, or even acknowledge falling apart internally after trying to hold it together all these years. Everything has been slowly building and is really taking its toll, maybe more than I care to admit. Again I'm sorry this update is the same and more, but it's been a while so felt I owed you all this after what you've done for me
TL/DR I'm slowly falling apart but still here
I still think about you from time to time pal and wonder how you are doing. I'm glad to see you are still able to post on here even if it's not with the greatest news. And don't worry about about other people not getting a reply, I'm sure they would tell you the same, it's not rude to prioritise your own life.
And all that news about your kids - sounds quite normal! Reckon you're doing a solid there.
Thanks for checking in.
A random thought, you say the good times get drowned out / forgotten. Start a Positivity Diary? Something cool happens (Phoenix is learning to drive!), even if it's small, write it down. Stick photos in. Then when things are shit you can flick back through it.
Something that's far easier to say than do: "they know what happens at Christmas" so... change that. What will happen at Christmas is within your powers, the part you cannot control is what happened at Christmas. "It'll be shit because it always is" is just an excuse, break the cycle.
That sounds like you're doing a great job with the kids and they're doing normal kid things.
You have been dealt a tough hand and you are doing an awful lot better than many would in your situation. You don't need to worry about not replying to people, they will understand that you're just getting on with you life.
Good to hear from you mate, I was just on the verge of sending you an email, but feel free to send me one. Pleased the children are doing well, there’s some money still stuck in a PayPal account for them somewhere! XXX
Talk whenever you want, when you feel you can. Good to have you back!
A random thought, you say the good times get drowned out / forgotten. Start a Positivity Diary? Something cool happens (Phoenix is learning to drive!), even if it's small, write it down.
We had a mental health day at work and one of the speakers suggested to reframe the normal, "how has your day been?" Question with "what have you done today that's been a success?" Makes you consider the answer more and think about a positive moment. I'm trying to get on the habit of this. Including asking myself in the evening.
Might help me or others, might not but it certainly can't hurt.
Great to hear from you, that's a positive in itself.
Kids are sounding like they are doing ok and being typical kids, which is a good thing. Sounds like you are doing a great job with them.
Hope the medical things are resolved with no problems
I always keep an eye out for a gnusmas post. If we're honest we are all falling apart to some degree. You just seem to have more to deal with than most.
Hopefully this forum provides some support and escape.
Its always heartening to see a Gnusmas post - they always start with an apology and then the next few paragraphs are a sort of masterclass in letting others into your life and thoughts. We all grow when they happen.
It's funny how you slowly over the years on this forum you develop a sort of overlay in your mind of the map thats populated with voices from the forum. And although there are lengthy spells where you don't post often my map of 'vaguely the north of Wales I think' has 'here be Dragons, Giants and Gnusmus' written across it.
More South Wales than North I think!
There’s always the STW Positivity Thread on here to help keep spirits up…
Somewhere…
More South Wales than North I think!
its written in pretty big letters to cover a bit more map, just in case
More South Wales than North I think!
its written in pretty big letters to cover a bit more map, just in case
..with the Welsh version underneath.
Good to hear from you Gnusmas.
Good to see you posting again - as others have said, that's a positive in itself.
I know this is slightly different, but my Mom passed away on my Birthday in 2017 - it sucked, massively...
For a few years I just ignored my Birthday and didn't really bother celebrating at all - my wife & daughter would get upset, but I explained that it was my way of dealing with it - in truth I wasn't dealing with it I was ignoring it.....
Anyway, two mental 'breaks' (both more work related, but also unresolved grief etc.) and 8 years later this year I finally though - f'k it, I'll try and take my day back, it was my Birthday long before any of the crap happened (oh and I got made redundant on my Birthday 5 years ago too - so it really wasn't great lol).
This year I went to the crem with my Dad in the morning as usual, and then made the effort to go out with my wife & daughter - we went into Birmingham to the Ozzy Osbourne exhibition, had some food and then went home and watched a couple of Star Wars movies.
It was one of the best Birthdays I'd had in years - and it actually felt like my Birthday.
Sorry - lots of waffle, what I'm trying to say (and I know it's easier said than done) is don't let the past define what can still be a special day/time - yes there is a place and time for remembering, but Christmas is Christmas which ever way you slice it - get the kids to nominate movies to watch in the run up & over the holidays, as others have said think of all the positives and write them down, film the kids opening their presents and re-watch it etc.
As @cougar said - you need to try and break the cycle.
Good luck and keep us posted as and when you feel like able too.
For nearly 2 years I've been suffering with constant sciatica and the associated pains that come with it.
sorry to hear this, I know too how debilitating and draining this sort of pain is 🙁 Mine is a constant pain in my left leg, also now for two years with no satisfactory diagnosis (after MRIs etc), sciatica was one explanation given to me--the latest medical thinking on mine is because of a B12 deficiency (or poor absorption), which if it is an issue can explain all sorts, not just pain and muscle weakness but including lethargy and tiredness, have you had a blood test to check on this?
Sciatica is a bitch, and it is so easy to get depressed about the constant pain and worry about what the future looks like so don't feel bad for feeling down, it's normal. I feel lucky mine went after 'only' 6 months but there were some dark days in that time. Don't know why mine got better, could have just been time, that's part of the frustration - not knowing what to do to make improvements. I did the McKenzie stretches which may or may not have helped but they made me feel like I was doing something is so important to feel partially in control of your own destiny.
I wish you the best, you're doing your kids proud.
Once again Im ****ing AMAZED by your resilliance and ability to juggle all the things you have going on with the kids etc
I second the suggestion of mobility exercises to try and deal with the sciatica, even if all you can manage is a small fraction of the stretch it helps over time even as Stevet says abpve at least you feel like youre doing something
You can come on here and vent as much as you want but dont feel obliged!
..with the Welsh version underneath.
Good to hear from you Gnusmas.
Oh no no no - Welsh First (an out of office reply in welsh of course)
aye, good to hear from you and have you back mate. i often think of you and how you might be doing so its good to get an update, and as others have said, your kids are a credit to you, they seem perfectly normal.
i hope the physical side of things improves, it sounds tough so fingers crossed for you.
all the best, and please keep us updated.
I've not forgotten u
Waves.
Cougar's advice is spot on. Write down any positives. Also when you climb into bed at night think of the one thing in the day that was something to be grateful for, no matter how tiny, there will be one.
Come on here anytime. You know we're like a faraway family that cares.
Bunnyhop x
A dozen or so people - some of whom have never even met you - care enough to think about you and your family, and to write to you whenever you post here. People care and understand more than you might think.
Keep going gnusmas, a little at a time.
Good to hear from you Gnusmas. Don't worry about posting depressing stuff, those that don't want to read it wont. The rest of us however appreciate the updates and if that allows you to unburden a little then thats all good.