Forum menu
You will be dead for longer than you'll have been alive and are able to make choices only during the being alive bit. What on earth possesses people to accept drudgery and numbness? I'd rather have a dozen short but largely happy relationships than one or two grim long term ones.
^This.
Since when have relationships ever been straightforward? Some people get together early on in life and stay together forever, others have a series of short term relationships. Some relationships look "perfect" from the outside, but are actually falling apart, other couples appear to be always arguing, but have a very strong partnership. There isn't a clear-cut answer to when 'enough is enough' - when compromise within a relationship shifts to being past the point of acceptability to one person or both. It isn't up to those outside of a relationship to decide for the couple concerned that their partnership / marriage is not worth continuing with.
What is often underestimated is the huge amount of emotional pain and practical chaos that happens when a long term relationship ends. When my partner ended our relationship after 16 years it completely floored me in every possible way - emotionally devastated, self-confidence destroyed, finances overturned, and lost my home and half my belongings. It took over a year to deal with all that, and although I am now happier than when we were together, it is not a process I would ever want to go through again, even though we both worked hard to keep it as amicable as possible (and have remained friends).
As to the OP's original question about why people seperate - there are probably as many reasons as there are relationships! In my case, we both changed as we got older and I guess just grew apart. But I do firmly believe that both people in a relationship are responsible for it - whether it succeeds or ends.
@jools182
My first separation from my now ex-wife left me with all kinds of regrets, what if's, and resolutions. These were not immediately apparent to me in the early period following my departure but took a while to realize.
The best thing I did was decide to give the relationship another go with these lessons on board.
The marriage ultimately failed but at least I had no regrets about what might have been, and I'm sure my ex felt the same.
We both knew it just couldn't work any longer.
I'm happy again but not married but have no regrets about my past. I have no idea what she's up to as we are not amicable.
I only say all this as I hope it helps your closure in some way as it did mine.
There's no harm in giving it another go.
😀 After a 25 year relationship, my wife has decided she wants a divorce. Initially I was shocked, but now I' ve got used to the idea, the loss my children will suffer through no fault of their own, the way they will view relationships for the rest of their lives. I could forgive my wife if she wasn't so adamant that it's ALL my fault and if she would have attended marriage guidance counselling. She just can't bear feeling guilty and won't take criticism of any kind. Nutter! 😆
Relationships are hard work and you have to make compromises. I tried, but reasoning and accountability are not my wife's strong points.
Unfortunately we live in a society where individuals put their personal needs before their responsibilities. It's OK to screw your family up, just so long as you get personal fulfilment eh!?
I blame airey fairy women's magazines for their jaundiced perspective on modern life..married women have never had it so good, yet they are so unhappy. They can earn good money and be independent, so why do they get married? The pressure to conform no doubt. Religious and parental pressures, but children need to be brought up in a secure environment. I like the idea of marriage licences expiring. That would keep people on their toes and provide the wedding businesses a lot of extra trade.
At least I will be able to llive in peace, without a psycho offloading contiually her guilt on to me, the perpetual negative jibes that slowly grind you down, being with someone who deceives you and disrespects you.
I'll be doing as a bloody please, awesome! 😆
Might even sail off into the sunset!
Happier days lay ahead.
I think if you're talking about relationship issues that are clearly derived through communication that you can't address between one another on a public forum, then there's something not right IMO.
Erm I think that's self evident? (Whether directed at me or others)
Interestingly I was at a pal's tonight and got an update on a friend of her's whose hubby had left. On the face of it he's an arse (I'll omit details) and it's easy to blame him...but she blinded herself to that for years and is only now seeing it.
Takes 2.
So grab the bull by the horns and sort it out / face the limelight. You're only putting off the inevitable, and if you get kicked off your horse, you've just get to get back in the saddle.
Soz for the cliche's but they 're based on hard facts,
You are absolutely right, this does concern me but how many children are actually brought up in a family where the parents are still openly lovey-dovey after a decade or two of marriage?
This family here, after nearly 30 years together. Most of the credit is due to Mrs Sandwich as I was an arse in my mid-30's. (Mental illness does strange things to a person).
so life is tolerable. I think it's unrealistic to expect much more than that.
I find that terribly sad. I don't want that for myself, my other half nor anyone else. I don't think everything should be fireworks (of the good kind) every day, although I'm sure that'd be great, but I do think everyone has a right to be happy and an expectation of their other half being made happy too. Having had a close family friend kill himself because he felt like he'd wasted his life in a situation he wasn't happy with I can say I have no intention of reaching the later stages in my life thinking "Well, it was tolerable".
As for there being a "the one", that's pish and tosh too. With 6 Billion people on this planet, you'd have to be incredibly lucky to meet the only person out there that's perfect for you in your short time here!
Well all I can say is that I must have been incredibly lucky, we've been together 26 years and married for 19. We have had shit times (mainly my doing) that have been outnumbered by the good by many a factor.
Gobalti, I wish you the best.
To OP ... for me it hurts until today but it is my own doing. 😥 Maggot I was ...
Globalti,
That made me feel very very sad. I had a little cry for you.so life is tolerable. I think it's unrealistic to expect much more than that.
I have a friend, when he was young the atmosphere in the house between his parents was awful. He hated it. When he got older he asked his mother why they stayed together, she said 'for you children'. They were able to discuss it and he was able to tell her how awful it had been for him.
My parents had a rubbish relationship. From when I was very young I was the go between. I have written here about how controlling my parents were - because they did not want me to grow up and then have to face each other and their relationship. They made my life hell. If anyone had asked them, they would have said they were great parents.
At some point in my late teens I asked them to divorce as they were so utterly unhappy and my life was still that of a ping pong ball. One of the posters earlier said that he was waiting for his child to be independent, that the child would then cope. It does not work like that. People become more inflexible as they get older. Younger kids adapt and cope better and I wish my parents had split up when I was young. When they did eventually divorce it was my sister who could not handle the break up - my sister, quite a bit older than me being 35ish, married since she was 20 and mother of 2 kids. She went to pieces. During discussions about our parents breaking up, we both discovered we had been told by our mother that is was 'your fault I had to stay with your father' and our fault her life had been miserable. Don't wish this stuff on your kid - stay together by all means, but take your children aside, ask their view of their life and what they see as a good course of action - don't assume you know how they feel or what they want. They could be living in hell for all most parents know... and its pretty miserable if that's where you feel you are and your parents are too bound up in themselves and what they think is 'right' to even bother to care or ask how it is for you as the child. It makes you feel worthless and of no consequence.
My long term relationships have been problematic and not successful. I put at least some of that down to not seeing a relationship with successful negotiation in it as a child and having been taught that to suffer and be miserable is appropriate and that change is 'bad'.
Revolutionary Road is on BBC2 now 10pm
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0959337/
seems appropriate to this thread.
I think this is a difficult issue to comment on. It is easy to say, 'don't stick together for the sake of the kids' but you will always be tied by them if you have them, unless you walk out and abandon them and never look back - but could you live with yourself for the rest of your life after doing that?
If you are single and you dump successive partners for not measuring up it can become habitual and you end up being a lonely middle aged (or approching old aged) forum poster with no life outside work - trying to feel fulfilled by pets and hobbies.
Hard to find a happy medium (I know) but that, IMHO, is what it is all about!
i got married 4 years ago, a matter of weeks after we got married my new wife decided that due to being in a mood it was okay to punch me in the face.
she also felt that shouting and screaming at me when we were together and ignoring me at all other times was acceptable too (no reply too phone calls/texts etc).
i put up with it for a few months, then i snapped and told her point blank that if i didnt see a massive change THAT DAY i would be outta there.
i must give her her due though, there was a massive change in attitude, and we get on much better now.
One thing a certain bad, but slightly addictive, American TV show about lawyers taught me is....
You don't always know when someone is the right one, BUT you do always know when they're not
ask1974 - Member
It's a bit lame sounding, but my father gave me some advice when I was in my 20's. "Ali" he said, "if you're going to get married, make sure you marry a friend".Stuck with me that did and so far has turned out to be very good advice. My wife and I are great friends and whilst we get grumpy from time to time we get through. Secret is to TALK to each other, it's when you stop talking the trouble starts. Irritations become niggling doubts and sh*t just escalates if you don't stop it. Been there and got knocked sideways. I thought all was OK but I was an arragent sod and had no idea just how much of a PITA I had become. She fell out of Love and I was replaced... Blimey that hurt. Took about two years to sort my head out.
Lesson learnt the hard way.
If you actually like your other half then keep them 'in the loop' so to speak. Otherwise might as well just end it now...
I tend to agree with you, ask1974. I've been married for 18 years, and have tried to live by something my grandmother once said about not going to sleep angry.
@mooman:
I'm sorry to hear about your mother-in-law. Best to all of you.
Good on yer Martymac
I think I've resolved my issues enough for now but I suspect they will come up again.
Firstly, anything I say on this subject should be viewed as suspect as I have such a terrible history with relationships, but here goes anyway....
OP - I agree that generally it is very rarely just the fault of one party. However, if one party does decide to be abusive for whatever reason, it is easy for the other other to fall in with it (rationalising it as something minor until it's accepted behaviour) and not stand up to it, I know I did. I got on tolerably with my first wife, but she could be a real demon and was certainly abusive in putting me doewn in front of others and with rages and occasional violence etc. She went away for a "weekend" with the office sleaze when I was away at a pre-agreed stag do, and reacted in fury to my somewhat indignant questioning when I found out where she'd been. I was too feeble however to issue ultimatums or whatever though at the time, and stupidly "let it go". I do however still feel tremendously guilty as I was the one who ended it, although I still feel it was the right thing to do. Second one was a rebound, but she seemed (initially at least) to be a good friend and much better adjusted than the first one (if she kept off the sauce, sadly that was rare). How wrong could I be though.....she was off to have someone else's kid within a few years and I now see just how manipulative she was. I was totally devastated when she left without warning after telling me it had been going on behind my back for a while and I pretty much gave up for a while.
I then resolved not to marry. Had a good time and basically learnt that everyone has faults, don't put them on a pedestal, adjust to their flaws or walk away if you can't etc. Then I met Mrs Ononeorange, and was so knocked over that I ignored my rule on non-marriage. I know now what a relationship founded on equality and mutual respect is really like, and couldn't be happier.
I rationalise the above as me having learnt the hard way what most people learn when they're in their teens, but I suppose the "moral" of this shameful story is the bit about mutual respect. I also realise that not having had any kids makes the decisions etc much easier.