What you need is an auntie.
Would you be able to take three teenagers this weekend?
OP don't take it to heart, you did ask !
FWIW I think you are doing quite well really. Lifes a bit shit sometimes and support can be taken for granted. Make the most of what you have and save some pennies and get a babysitter for a night a month, take your Mrs for a walk or a drink or something and enjoy life.
New user with no posting history.....maybe existing user hiding identity.....
I'm going with this being the ol' switcheroo - a grandparent checking out what others think of their offspring's expectations.
Or is this about Brexit......we haven't had one of those threads for a while. Anyone remember the Israel/ Gaza strip garden allotment thread?
What you need is an auntie.
Would you be able to take three teenagers this weekend?
Can I add a baby and a five year old? I’d love to go out for a meal and to the cinema.
Questions of poster authenticity aside, is there a term for these instances where the OP seeks validation over a complaint of some sort, but instead gets absolutely ploughed?
Grievance Bukake?
In this instance, I feel we ought to resist the urge to bury the OP in derision. With a 4-year-old at home, there's every possibility that he's terminally sleep-deprived, which is basically the same as trying to function with a brain injury.
Yes you are being unreasonable to be fair. In fact suck it up you only have one kid. Why have a kid and a dog if your gonna whinge about grandparents not babysitting enough!? Employ a nanny or pay a babysitter if you need to.
Your wife is right.
Enjoy the time with your kid now as when he is a teenager he will do his own stuff by then.
You are lucky you've had any help. Both our parents live local. My mum and dad not interested, and my wife's parents too old/ill for toddlers. We didn't get out much at all, only now mine are 18/16, have we been getting out for last couple of years.
My Grandad reminds me regularly every single day to be the vest i can be.
And i miss him every single day too...
My parents are amazing for looking after my nephews.
I think i'm missing the window myself though.
My Grandad reminds me regularly every single day to be the vest i can be.
Is that why you’re hanging out on Singlet Rack World?
Boom!!!
Oh bravo!
My grandparents did not teach me proof reading.
Gits.
Well, that’s been interesting so far - sorry, was out at work - I maybe didn’t explain myself well in the first post. A large part of the frustration is that the boy loves them dearly, and loves going there - so I find myself constantly trying to one up with read why we can’t go over there when he asks. You know:
Me: “what would you like to do today?”
Him: “Can we go to nanny and grandads?”
Me: “erm...”
Just remember this.
If your parents bring up your children they will turn out the same as you (to a point)
that can't be good? Can it?
My parents sorted this by both dying within a year of my firsts birth.
My wife tried to beat this with her mum dying 10 years earlier.
Her Dad doesn't acknowledge any of his grandchildren
not much sympathy here!
I think the op is just a sh1t stirrer tbh
I'm pleased I'm not the only one who thinks the OP is expecting too much. We very rarely look after Mrs Egf's granddaughter (not mine, nowt to do with me) cos basically we can't be arsed & as I've said before, if my lad has kids I'll be doing absolutely no babysitting at all! I'm too busy enjoying myself for all that crap.
( I wouldn't get a look in anyway, his MIL is more than desperate to be a grandparent, which means more time & money for me & Mrs Egf. 🙂 )
My in laws and parents are brilliant with the kids doing school runs 3 days a week between them, but I wouldn't dream of asking them to baby sit once a week. They have their own lives.
We probably have them sit 4 or 5 times a year.
Expectations on both sides vary massively. I’ve known grandparents that are practically running a full-time childcare service between multiple grandchildren while the parents work. For lower earners paid childcare can be unaffordable, and some grandparents would rather step in than see them sent off to nursery or childminders.
Mine are 30 miles away, they do the odd evening babysitting (every other month or so), but I don’t like to ask too much. They’re busy in their retirements, have a dog and need enough notice. We use paid babysitters usually. They’re having both kids overnight for the first time next month so we can go to a wedding. Once eldest starts school later in the year we’ll have a lot of school holiday to cover and I’ll probably be asking them to help a bit with that.
In-laws are on the other side of the world so no help!
Weekly free babysitting sounds like a good deal to me tbh.
Issue you had argument with wife. Green eyed minster jealously of grandparents time and interests. When you become a parent you are the parent. As a grandad of 2 y, it is fun. We will have her often, and will inform daughter if she freeloads onto us. Problem is often of new parents adjusting to be responsible.
Grandparents can be wise, can be nice. But sometimes you have to but out, to let your kids to grow into parents, rather than suffocate them. Or be seen as slaves. We take longer to recover. Not everyone copes with young kids.
Overall, never compare families. Disaster looming
Unreasonable yup, little couch is 6 and we’ve never had a night away from her as no one to have her, wife’s parents both dead, my dad too old but my mum does a bit, will babysit once every couple of months and do a school pick up once a fortnight or month, also has her one day in half term if asked but she does find it hard at 70. Dunno why you’d need a babysitter once a week if times are hard, can’t be for going out. We both work part time as it’s the only way both of us can work and sort the child care without paying for it. I guess it’s a case of suck it up.
Do you also complain about them spending your inheritance?
Wow, they only babysit once a week?
How do you cope?
I remember overhearing a conversation between two grandmothers on the school run
Granny 1: I pick them up from school every day, give them their tea and then they get picked up about 6.
Granny 2: I'm only here as the childminder is ill today. I'm a granny, not a childminder, the roles are very different.
I wasn't sure whether she was being mean or profoundly wise.
I think it's very hard to get the balance right with grandparents but probably important to have a conversation with them about what involvement they really want. I still don't think we've got it right with my parents yet after 6 yrs.
On the one hand they really want to be involved, and insist on school pickup once a week as they think it helps and means they get to see him. On the other, they go on holiday about 20wks a year at short notice leaving us struggling to make alternative arrangements, but get offended if we don't find time to see them when they are in the country.
There's also the fact that they don't always agree with how we choose to raise our son-they can't comprehend the world has moved on from how they did things, along with the jealousy of other grandparents spending time with him.
I'm honestly grateful for the support they give us, but I'd be lying if I said my life wouldn't be easier if they were 200 miles away.
It sounds like the OP is a bit annoyed they do not want to more involved rather than the amount of time they give (which i think is reasonable).
It is odd they way some families just don't bother with each other apart from weddings, xmas etc. I guess if you don't really have much in common, apart from being related then why would you bother?
What plans are you making to be able to look after any/all of your kid's grandparents when they become too infirm to look after themselves?
They/it are not their kids and subsequently not their responsibility. Think yourself lucky you still have your parents around, not babysitters!
Mine do literally nothing, but I'm sure that's only because they're all too dead.
The oP should consider hisself lucky he’s actually got grandparents, all mine were dead before I even got into my teens.
I would love to be in the position of the op. My mum has severe MS (final stage so movement wise sadly can only move her head) and my dad has a host of issues. He is her full time carer too, they both wish they were in a better position to help me out. Lyanda's side of the family are all near London, a bit far from Carmarthen to help. I am now literally on my own with 4 kids.
I can count on one hand how many nights off I have had over the past 18 years or so because of having children. Only now am I having any time off from kids, that is only during school times because the youngest has started school full time. Youngest has just turned 4 so a fair while to go before evenings are a reality too.
I'm not after sympathy, the children were our choice to have. I never thought this is the way our lives would be, but still have to do the everyday things regardless. If anyone wants some kids anytime please let me know. They are good for reminding you how peaceful your time is, and also good as a contraceptive.
sarawak
Member
Leave the guy alone. He’s a millennial so he’s been brought up under the Blair/Brown philosophy that he can have anything he wants. All he has to do is shout loud enough and he will be given it.It doesn’t matter that it’s his responsibility: we are all equal and entitled to what we want, when we want it.
Bore off. I'm a millenial as is my wife. Does that make me self entitled?
Anyways;
My parents: Dad lives in UAE and forgets my kids birthdays, never asks after them. Not great. Lame Dad anyway (or just me being an ungrateful millenial)
Mother lives 30 mins away. Has had our eldest once overnight in 5 years. Never looked after my two year old ever. Works part time. Her and my stepdad have a fab social life and in their words; "it's your choice to have kids" I don't expect anything from them. Hurts more than anything, my kids aren't interested in them and won't seek comfort or attention from them when they are present. The bond isn't there, they don't need them. They never want to do anything as a family such as a day out together, they just live their own lives. Their loss.
In laws. They live 70 miles away. Both our kids are there tonight as I'm at work on nights and the wife is working tomorrow. It's half term so child care costs are next level so they offered to help. My kids love them, the my engage with them and never switch the TV on. The don't do it weekly, maybe once every few months as it's such a distance for all parties. But hey, they are there if needed if it's work/childcare related.
But yeah, haven't had a meal out, cinema etc since early last year. Don't get on my bike anywhere near as much as I'd like. But then we've learnt to socialise with kids present. Choices you make.
Do get the odd tinge of jealously from friends who have doting/put on parents. My mate moaned that he was tired of his kids. Him and his wife are divorced. Both have 50/50 of the kids. Both send the kids to their parents at the earliest opportunity. Both have awesome social lives. The kids get naff all quality parent time.
Other friends work full time and have no child care bill because the parents do all the child care. They then wonder why you can't afford to eat out again.
So I would like more free childcare at nice times like the weekend, who wouldn't? I may get a decent bike ride in. But I'd never ask and I know it's something that shouldn't be expected despite being 35 and millenial.
Yes, I think you're being unreasonable although it must cut a bit when one set of grandparents do more than the other.
As a side note in my experience the mothers mother is always more involved than the father's mother. Nature innit.
what is more important, your relationship with your wife or the behaviour of her parents?
Ultimately they will miss out on forming relations ships with your kids.
I spent a lot of my early childhood living with my grandparents as apparently my mum couldn't cope with two kids in the house... I enjoyed it though.
I don't have kids myself but your MIL's grandparents seem to be quite generous with their time OP, I certainly wouldn't want to be looking after young kids on a regular basis once at retirement age.
Jeepers you lot didn't half give the OP a kicking
He did ask"Am I being unreasonable here? It’s definitely driving a wedge between us, as my wife thinks this is normal. So, do most grandparents help out more than this if they live nearby, or are there a lot who are barely involved?"
so he was looking for some perspective not validation he was right
Am I being unreasonable here?
In the past, anyone who asks this question on here, the answer is pretty much always yes, this occasion seems no different.
I have a similar situation to Perchy, my 'mother' is an arse, but my wife's is a gem of a woman, who comes over one day a week to get the wee one from school. Tbh the wee one is old enough now to not need her, but I wouldn't dream of telling her that as they're like best buddies.
She'd come over 7 days a week if I asked, but she's our daughter and our responsibility, not grannies.
Each family is different. I personally wouldn’t be happy either with the arrangement, in my experience grandparents are always excited to take care of grandchildren, then again I wasn’t brought up in the uk.....
MIL (25 minutes drive away) does regular Monday babysitting for youngest and has for a few years. Personally I think we get a tremendous amount of help out of her. My OH thinks she should also turn up on the Tuesdays when Monday is a BH. I disagree. FIL helps out sometimes with the lads, has also helped with many DIY jobs on our house. I think we get a really good deal from them. They've also stepped in at last minute to help out with the lads on a number of ocassions.
My parents are 81 & 83, and live further away (3+ hours drive for them). They turn up a couple of times a year, rent a local cottage, take us for a couple of days out, take us out for some food, and in between give us money to take the kids out or help out with a family holiday. They've frequently offered to rent larger cottages when going on proper holidays, so we can have a "free holiday" and they can see us/grandkids. Personally, I think we get a good deal from them too, it just doesn't include any childcare.
Enjoy what help you do get. It's a bonus.
As a step grandparent, with a mortgage paid off ... and with a job that means I travel the world, this thread is bringing much enjoyment....
Massively unreasonable. If you couldn't be arsed to look after them you shouldn't have had kids. Going out once a week? In the first 8 years we had our three we went out on our own maybe 3 or 4 times a year, and that was weddings/funerals etc.
Not wanting to stick the boot in OP but you have it pretty good.
My folks (separated) live 18,000km back in the UK and the wife's parents are on the South Island so an hour flight plus travel either end. They visit maybe once every 6 weeks but they're in their 70s and have their own life to live.
My Mum back in Wales has 2 foster kid on her own and has my brother's kids 3 times a week and his MIL has them the other days so they can get to work or go to rugby/gigs/weekends away to Europe etc.
I'm massively missing my folks, both from them being able to see my 1 year old grow up but also just having a break and being able to have some time together as a couple. Don't take for granted how lucky you are!
aaaand another thing.
dad works but they are both pretty comfortably off with no mortgage
What on earth has their financial position got to do with anything?
Haven't had any since I was about 3 so bugger all really.
OP - if your parents see you a couple of times each year because of the distance, which is understandable, are they more willing to do things with your kids because they don't see them that often? After a long journey to where you live their time is dedicated to you all, that is the reason they make the trip.
If they saw them regularly, would they behave more like your wife's parents? Maybe they wouldn't do as much all of the time because they too would be doing their own things.
